Need Advice . . . Am I Overreacting??

Lounge By prue23 Updated 28 Jan 2009 , 10:14pm by prue23

prue23 Posted 28 Jan 2009 , 12:04am
post #1 of 14

I'll start by writing about what happened . . .
Last week I had 60 cookies, 40 cupcakes and a cake to do for sat and sun. the cookies and cupcakes were for sat for my nephews birthday and the cake was for my cousins baptism. About 3 weeks before that I had asked a cousin of mine if she could help me and she told me yes of course so I told her to come over on friday. on friday at about 10ish she calls to leave a message and says she can't come over b/c a couple of her friends wanted to go over to her house. she didn't even apologize or said anything to show she felt bad. I saw her at the party on sat and I felt I had to tell her that I felt very betrayed for what she did b/c I felt like she chose her friends ( which she just met 4 months ago) over me and that I think from now on I can't count on her to be there for me for anything else and that things aren't going to be the same between us anymore. We were extremely close and I feel bad about what happened, so my question is did I overreact or did I do the right thing with telling her how I felt?

13 replies
summernoelle Posted 28 Jan 2009 , 12:15am
post #2 of 14

Betrayed? That sure is a strong word. Telling her how you felt is fine-that you don't like being stood up or under appreciated. But you were kind of a drama queen...Sorry.

michellenj Posted 28 Jan 2009 , 12:16am
post #3 of 14

Did she apologize after you told her that she let you down and messed you up? Maybe she didn't think helping was such a huge deal, ad didn't think you'd mind if she blew it off.

Not that I'm making excuses for her.

I think you did the right thing by talking to her about what she did, don't know if I'd take it to the level of things not ever being the same again, but I know how you feel.

prue23 Posted 28 Jan 2009 , 12:54am
post #4 of 14

summernoelle, it's ok, thats how I'm feeling now I think I spoke too soon and should have thought about what I was going to say first but everything just came out at once.
michellenj, no she didn't and the only thing she said was that she didn't think there was anything wrong with what happened and thats what made me feel bad. I think the least she could do was say i'm sorry for not helping, i worked from 8 to 4 in the morning finishing everything and i was depending on her help and she knew that. I'm so confused . . .

indydebi Posted 28 Jan 2009 , 3:10am
post #5 of 14

I think working until 4 in the morning clouded your judgment. You were very very tired AND you had to do all the work yourself, when you planned having two of you there. (Do you also have a day-job? Only asking because you state she called at 10:00 a.m. but you didn't get started until 8:00 p.m. If so, you must have been just dead on your feet!)

prue23 Posted 28 Jan 2009 , 3:17am
post #6 of 14

It was actually from 8 in the morning, luckily I didn't have to work friday and was able to get everything done. I was very tired, decorating 30 spongebobs and 30 patricks was the worst

summernoelle Posted 28 Jan 2009 , 3:26am
post #7 of 14

You know, reading your second post, it just sounds like you were very, very hurt. It also sounds like this person has made a habit of perhaps taking you for granted, and that you just didn't want to "take" it from her. It is a hard situation, because after what you said, she didn't even seem to care. Which of course makes you feel lousy because you need and want the people close to you to care when they have hurt you.
Anyway, I'm not really sure what advice to give, except for that you have every right to stand up for yourself, but you need to make sure you do it in the right way. And I would also be a little careful around her-don't put too many eggs in one basket, so to speak.

krysoco Posted 28 Jan 2009 , 3:27am
post #8 of 14
Originally Posted by prue23

i was depending on her help and she knew that. .

And there you go! Those are the key words. You were depending on her. She had a responsibility to keep and she let you down. I can't say if you overreacted or not. You felt how you felt and that's it. Feelings are not right or wrong.
Here's the deal. If I was in that situation, a friend lets me down on a very important responsibility then I can't trust her anymore. If you can't trust your friend then yeah maybe that equals betrayal to some ppl.
You did the right thing by talking to her. And to say that yalls relationship wont be the same in the future. Sure as hell not, you now know that you can't depend on her. I'd say that sure changes things. The reason why she didn't think it was a big deal was b/c it sounds like it didn't matter to her. Maybe you could've handled the situation better if you weren't tired, angry, whatever, but its history now. Just know in the future that you cant trust her or her word. Her promises mean nothing. And it seems as though she wasn't really worried about letting you down.
Its prolly not a big deal in the long run considering this is over cupcakes but if this your business then its a lot!

indydebi Posted 28 Jan 2009 , 3:42am
post #9 of 14
Originally Posted by prue23

It was actually from 8 in the morning, luckily I didn't have to work friday and was able to get everything done. I was very tired, decorating 30 spongebobs and 30 patricks was the worst

icon_surprised.gif 20 hours straight!??? Holy Footrub, Batman! icon_surprised.gif I'm surprised you still had any energy at ALL!!!

Yeah, I'd probably write her off for anything in the future.

ceshell Posted 28 Jan 2009 , 7:19am
post #10 of 14

I'm sorry for your cousin's attitude, that definitely is awful when you depend on someone and they flake out on you just to socialize with someone else icon_confused.gif . However I do think the situation might have been helped when she called you to tell you she wasn't coming: 10am on Friday was the time to say "What? OH NO! I have 60 cookies, 40 cupcakes and a cake, I was totally depending on your help to get this all done. What time CAN you come over?? I don't think I can do this all by myself!"

-->Oops, wait, if I am understanding correctly, you said she left a message. Did you call her back to express how much you needed her? I just mean, if you didn't say that on Friday, then of course she figured that having flaked on you was no big deal. (I personally still would have apologized even IF I thought my flaking was no big deal.)

BTW I am not implying at ALL that you were in the wrong. SHE flaked and you have every right to be upset about that. But if she was that desperately needed (20 hours, I'd say she WAS), the ball was in your court to remind her of the importance of her commitment.

p.s. I'm not into babysitting people so I too would write her off as any kind of person I could rely on.

prue23 Posted 28 Jan 2009 , 12:04pm
post #11 of 14

I think I won't be asking for her help anytime soon or at all . . . I thought about calling her but I was so into the work I was doing that I just let it go and decided to talk to her the next day. But like it was said it is history now and its a great lesson to learn for the future.
I don't even know how I was able to stay awake . . . it might have been a combination of the fact that it was for my nephew and lil cousin who I looooooove and would do anything for them mixed in with lots and lots of very strong coffee lol
Thanks for your comments everyone, they have helped a lot icon_smile.gif

funcakes Posted 28 Jan 2009 , 6:16pm
post #12 of 14

Since you asked for advice, I'll put in my 2 cents.

Now that you have had some sleep, you may want to reflect on the "our friendship will never be the same" relationships never stay the same. I have friends and relatives that over time I depend on more and more, and others I have found I don't count on them, I just rejoice when they actually come through. Every one is like this. Sometimes life comes at you fast and you end up disappointing people. Everyone has disappointed some one at some time. The friends that I can't always count on are still in my life, loved, appreciated for who they are. Maybe they don't roll up their sleeves and do stuff for me, but they are there giving in their own way: laughter, jokes, fun, listening to me-something. Please don't just write her off. We have lots of friends, because no one can be everything. I think that everyone has had someone not show up when they were expected, but if you think about it, these are also the ones that show up when you don't expect them, but just when you need somebody.

You did not tell us if she has helped in the past. friends that haven't done cakes don't know what time consuming stuff it is, so they might think, no big deal. Maybe she felt underappreciated herself-helping someone for so many hours, you didn't tell us what was in it for her. (I'm not just talking money, but everybody will probably give you all the credit for the beautiful baked items) I am NOT trying to find ways that you could be wrong in this, I'm just trying to think of the way others think that then make them choose a behavior. In fact, maybe she is just one of those chicks that have random behaviors.

In the end forgiveness is a gift that you can give and still have the best part of it. So forgive (but don't forget when you have another 100 hours of baking to do)

teswade Posted 28 Jan 2009 , 9:42pm
post #13 of 14

I personally think you did a good thing by telling her. If you can't count on your own family, who can you count on. Maybe she just needed a wake up call and next time she promises to do something, she will keep her promise. I really do think a person's word is everything.

prue23 Posted 28 Jan 2009 , 10:14pm
post #14 of 14

I feel the same way about a person's word. When someone asks me for a favor/help and I say I'm going to be there then I am, I won't blow someone off unless a biiiiiggg emergency came up (I don't count having friends over and not being able to tell them to come back some other time an emergency).
She has helped me before as I have helped her, she also bakes. We don't get paid for the things we do we do it mostly for family and friends as gifts and its a hobby we both share. But you are right funcakes . . . forgiveness is very important and I will forgive her but I won't count on her for anything, relationships change as well as people and this is a point where we'll both change I think.

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