Right Thing To Do But I Feel Sooo Bad...help!

Lounge By CakeForte Updated 24 Jan 2009 , 1:15am by Deb_

CakeForte Posted 23 Jan 2009 , 5:55pm
post #1 of 10

This has been bothering me for awhile.... icon_sad.gif

So I dated this guy briefly for 4 months close to a year ago. He broke up with me abruptly and sort of left me hanging without any real answers. Things move a little and we were spending a lot of time together...but at the same time it felt natural. i have never felt the way I did with him with any other guy I dated. When it ended I was overly heartbroken because I really liked him and felt like it could have grown into love. Part of the problem was that he was moving 10 hours away. Since he ended it...I refused to chase him or contact him.

8 months went by when last month he contacts me. He didn't like the area and moved back. ...Says he made the biggest mistake ever, regrets what he did and how he treated me, apologized and that he wants to try again and thinks he can treat me better and wants to build something new.

Well we talked (more like I let him have it) then finally got to talking on the phone and have identified the key problems as to what went wrong. This has happened over the course of a month.... We finally had a coffee/dinner "hang out" last week. It had been almost 9 months since I last saw him.

Since we had talked for a month at the phone, everything was actually really good and fun and light. However we had always been able to talk about everything (which is why the breakup threw me off) I had a great time....it was like before things went bad. We also talked about our possible future.

Here is the "BUT". I called him a week later to tell him I'm open to rebuilding and going slow (meaning not putting a title on it or seeing him too often)...but I will NOT "be just his friend" b/c the feelings are too strong and I am NOT going into a situation where its this limbo of "he dates me, but also dates others". Basically I said he needed to decide to give this a try 100% or move on.

Anyway....He wasn't too keen on what I said...but he also said he wasn't going to decide right then and there. Which to me translates as "no". although he didn't say it outright. However, I know I did the right thing for my heart...but I still feel really bad like I am getting the raw end of the deal (again).

Although we were just getting to know each other when it ended...I've dated people for years longer and never felt even a fraction of what I do with him. I've also met several people since him as well...but not anything to where I want to invest more than a couple of dates.

thanks for listening.

9 replies
sarahpierce Posted 23 Jan 2009 , 6:07pm
post #2 of 10

Keep your guard up and tread lightly. Don't let him hurt you again. If he doesn't know what he wants than wait. Otherwise, you will start to have feelings again, and he may just be wanting to have "fun". Hell have no fury. IMO you need to be the ruler of your emotions. You are a strong confident independant women. Just remember that. If you want to- go into the relationship with the thought of this is fun for now. That way if it doesn't work out it won't hurt so bad. Good luck with what ever you decide.

krysoco Posted 23 Jan 2009 , 6:19pm
post #3 of 10

It sounds like your radar has gone up since the break up w/this guy. I'd be cautious. You didn't get a raw deal by any means especially if he can't commit. It's okay if he doesn't know what he wants but its not okay for your feelings to get hurt b/c of it. Keep your mind occupied in the mean time. Just know that you did do the right thing. Things happen for reason. GL

KHalstead Posted 23 Jan 2009 , 6:47pm
post #4 of 10

definitely red flags............reminds me of that guy....you know the one that's on Opray soemtimes that always says..."he's jut not that into you"......not that this guy isn't into you....but it almost sounds like he really likes you but kinda wants to keep you on the backburner in case something better comes along!! Definitely not healthy for YOU! You did the right thing.

michellenj Posted 23 Jan 2009 , 7:50pm
post #5 of 10
Quote:
Originally Posted by CakeForte


Here is the "BUT". I called him a week later to tell him I'm open to rebuilding and going slow (meaning not putting a title on it or seeing him too often)...but I will NOT "be just his friend" b/c the feelings are too strong and I am NOT going into a situation where its this limbo of "he dates me, but also dates others". Basically I said he needed to decide to give this a try 100% or move on.

Anyway....He wasn't too keen on what I said...but he also said he wasn't going to decide right then and there. Which to me translates as "no". although he didn't say it outright. However, I know I did the right thing for my heart...but I still feel really bad like I am getting the raw end of the deal (again).






I would just let it go. You reached out to him and said you'd be willing to give it a go, and he needed to think about it. It's a bad sign to me that he needed to think about it. He kind of sounds like he enjoys the chase.

-K8memphis Posted 23 Jan 2009 , 8:14pm
post #6 of 10

Just from what you said you did the right thing for yourself although painful for sure. He seems out to make things nice for himself--he obviously is not looking into making life better for you or with you.

He was wrong to treat you that way when he moved and he doesn't want to be who you need him to be.

Tough decison but you did the right thing for CakeForte Good For You!!!!

TexasSugar Posted 23 Jan 2009 , 8:51pm
post #7 of 10
Quote:
Quote:

Here is the "BUT". I called him a week later to tell him I'm open to rebuilding and going slow (meaning not putting a title on it or seeing him too often)...but I will NOT "be just his friend" b/c the feelings are too strong and I am NOT going into a situation where its this limbo of "he dates me, but also dates others". Basically I said he needed to decide to give this a try 100% or move on.




In my opinion you were giving him mixed messages here. You said I want to go slow and not put a title on things, then you tell him that he can't date other people.

You really can't have it both ways. If you want to take it slow and get to know each other again, then you have to take all that comes with that, which is the chance of him meeting other people. I don't think it is fair to ask for all (100%) from him when you aren't willing to 'label' what the two of you have or even see him 'too often'.

I would hope that if he is into you and really wants things to work that he wouldn't be dating other people. But I know from my point of view if a guy told me what you said I too would want time to think about it. I would need to decide if I wanted to take 'things slow' on his time scale and 'when' and 'how' he wanted it, with out having the title of a relationship in return. I don't feel you can put terms on something when you won't even label what that something is.

I'm not a big fan of dating (in the loose sense of the word) two (or more) different people, because I'm always afraid I'll get myself mixed up in a situation where I will like both people and have to choose and hurt some one in return. But I also know that while that is how I feel, if I don't want to label what I have with someone as a relationship, then I can't dictate how they feel about dating other people.

Been there done that. I told a guy I wasn't ready to label what we had, and he in turn went and slept with someone else, because he heard what I said as "I don't want to date you".

You need to really decide if you want to give him a chance or not. You are asking for all or nothing from him, are you willing to give him the same in return?

Sometimes we do need to step out of our comfort zones and just dive right in. No one wants to get hurt, but if you try to protect yourself from hurt you also run the risk of pushing people away because you won't let them in.

-K8memphis Posted 23 Jan 2009 , 11:53pm
post #8 of 10
Quote:
Originally Posted by TexasSugar

...

Sometimes we do need to step out of our comfort zones and just dive right in. No one wants to get hurt, but if you try to protect yourself from hurt you also run the risk of pushing people away because you won't let them in.





I see what you mean but he left her abruptly once. This is a clear disregard for her feelings. Why should she put herself through this again if he doesn't want to play by her rules. Her rules that are in place because of his past behavior and the pain caused.

I think she hit the nail on the head with the non-ultimatum ultimatum. I think it was brilliant. Exposed him for his intent of less than tender regard for her.

(God I hope I'm not hurting your feelings, CF. So sorry if I am. My daughter was recently divorced and she is doing the dating thing somewhat awkwardly and I would tell her in a skinny minute to ditch this guy yesterday.)

(((big hug)))

(Never easy is it)

CakeForte Posted 24 Jan 2009 , 12:56am
post #9 of 10

Thank you for every response..Really. I have read each one several times and all are the same conclusions that I have come to with my friends.

And yes, the final ultimatum is because it was his choice to leave in the first place..I knew he was moving when I met.....so a breakup was probably going to happen anyway...but it would have been on friendly terms...and not just sort of hanging like what the heck?? It probably would have been easier to maintain a friendship if it happened that way.

So now that he is back....I called him out on his motives (not in a harsh way....just conversational tone) and said yes we can try again...but I'm not going to be "a yo-yo girl" or "whenever he wants me around" girl....especially since it is a year later. He knows that what we had was off to a really good start....the breakup was the first problem we ever had...which is also why I want to try again. I also want to try again because he was man enough to actually say the words "I was wrong, I messed up, let's talk." Plus the feelings are still there.

So over the course of a month...we have been talking about everything that went wrong and everything that was right. And really...it was 80% good...on both ends.

I still care for him enough to want to see where this new route goes..and to forgive, move on from the pain, work on the issue, and give a second chance...but not if he's not going to be all wishy-washy.

(Like someone mentioned earlier, I actually prefer to date one person at a time...and have never dated more than one person at a time. That opportunity has never presented itself to me...lol)

Deb_ Posted 24 Jan 2009 , 1:15am
post #10 of 10

I think you should follow your heart but lead with your head so you don't get hurt again.

It sounds like if he hadn't moved you two would still be together. Maybe he held back from getting too serious because he knew he was leaving. Maybe he came back because he missed you.

Think about how you feel when you're with him, and how you feel when you're not. Take it slow and see what happens. It seems that you really like this guy a lot, I think it's worth a second chance.

I think if you don't give the relationship another try, this will be the one you'll always be wondering about in years to come.

I wish you the best, I really hope it works out for you. It will......if it's meant to be! icon_wink.gif

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