Need Help With Dh

Lounge By iceit4me Updated 16 Jan 2009 , 6:27am by fidos_mom

iceit4me Posted 15 Jan 2009 , 6:46pm
post #1 of 6

I really nede some good advise on what to do about my husband. I love him very much and I am very concerned about him. He literally built the house we are living in by himself. What I should say is the house is built and we are living in it, BUT NOTHING is finished. I mean we have some siding on the house, none of our bathrooms are finished. WE have heat but it is only a temp set up. Everything is a temp set up. The house is way to large for our needs I told him so when we were looking at blue prints. But, he always gets his way and he decided to build this "dream house" anyway. Some day if it ever gets finished it will be gorgeous! The problem is my DH works an hour and a half from here, own his own bussiness. He leaves the house at 7AM and gets home anywhere from 6-8 o"clock at night. I help with his plumbing bussiness as I am the secretary. When he gets home he barely has time to eat, shower, go over messages with me or work on the house. Weekends he sometimes works for his bussiness both days. Usually he works Saturdays and then works here in the house on Sundays. He is sooooo frustrated. To top this off he is having Carpal Tunnel surgery on the 22nd for the second time on both hands. He also has type #2 Diabete, but eats like he doesn't have it. He is constantly mad about his lack of time, and feeling like everyone is taking advantage of him. I am afraid he is going to have a nervous breakdown or a heartattack. His temper is getting worse. He got mad that a hose was wrapped his garden tractor and then pulled on it really hard. Because he did that the end of the hose came back and smacked him on the side of his face and left a huge bump. I don't know what to do . Sadly, this is only the tip of the iceberg. I don't know whether to go to a counsler or not. He would probably be upset about that. We have NO time for ourselves. Like maybe 10 minutes befor e he falls asleep. He is that exhausted. Someone please help me!!!![/b]

5 replies
-Tubbs Posted 15 Jan 2009 , 7:34pm
post #2 of 6

I'm so sorry to hear about this - your concern and frustration really comes over. I'm afraid I have no answers for you. Your dh is clearly a workaholic, but with his health problems, I think you're probably right that he will one day have a nasty wake-up call.

Our situation is similar: for the past 2 years we have been working on building a vacation cabin - we got carried away with the plans and it ended up too big, too expensive, too far away (2 hours) to go back and forth every weekend, neglected kids etc.

Dh and I work really well together and enjoy it, so my way of helping has been to learn everything I can to take on some of the burden. Hence I can now use most serious power tools, install siding, drywall and spray ceilings, tile etc. It might help if you talked to your husband and expressed your frustration, but make it both of you's problem, rather than you nagging him to get something finished. Ask him to show you how to do something and I'm sure he'll be delighted that you can do something without him. (one less thing for him to do)

We realised a few months into our project that we were in way over our heads, but what do you do? We have to finish - we're now 97% done. We will then be in too much debt and may need to sell, but that's how it goes.

BTW through all of this, dh was in a very stressful job that he hated. At one point I thought he would have a nervous breakdown, he wasn't sleeping, was angry all the time etc. I told him if he carried on this way he'd have a heart attack within 5 years, and he realised it was true. He has recently changed jobs and it has helped a lot with his stress levels. Could your dh take on less work? Have either of you spoken to his doctor, because improperly managed diabetes is a disaster waiting to happen.

Sorry not to be of much help. I do sympathize with you.

iceit4me Posted 15 Jan 2009 , 11:02pm
post #3 of 6

I have talked to his doctor about the stress he has and even he has told him repetedly that he needs to slow down. Friends and family have all tried to interviene. No success. I have learned to paint and put up wallpaper borders. Forget about trying to help with any thing else. He always wants to do everything himself. I have asked over and over again if we can hire someone to come in and do some of the work for him. But, he has a certain way he wants things done and if they aren't done his way he gets really upset. So he won't except help. If I ask again he will be upset because he hears that as his being unable to provide. Pride.

trumpetmidget Posted 16 Jan 2009 , 1:41am
post #4 of 6

I don't know how to help you, as I too am dealing with DH problems. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. Talking to a counselor may help things. DH and I are going to be going to one. It sounds like he is in over his head and has taken on too much. We don't have a lot finished in our house, but that is because DH is lazy - he has time. I can't imagine your husband having much time or energy. But, maybe you could both sit down and set out a plan so that it doesn't seem so overwhelming. One simple project a night or week. One room a month. Something like that. It may help destress. Then, he doesn't have to get the help he doesn't want, but he doesn't feel like he has to be super man and get it done right away. Maybe plan the house to be done in a year or two years. Maybe you could use the surgery as an excuse to get help. "Hey, honey, since you will be out of commission for 2 weeks, Uncle Joe offered to put down the tile in the bathroom." He won't be viewed as lazy or uncapable of taking care of things - he needs that time to recoup and the stuff still needs to be done. Good luck and my thoughts are with you.

iceit4me Posted 16 Jan 2009 , 3:18am
post #5 of 6

Thank you for your help. I will take the advice of both of you and I am sorry that you both seem to be in the same "boat" that I am in. We all need someone to lean on. If you want to keep in touch I would really like that! God bless, Grace (iceit4me).

fidos_mom Posted 16 Jan 2009 , 6:27am
post #6 of 6

((( Sorry it is long. I got started and couldn't stop! )))

I think one of the most frustrating things about being a wife or mother is stepping away OR pushing the other person aside. My continual question has always been am I doing enough or doing too much? And since all of life is a balance that question ECHOES through my head daily.

And our mates are the leaders of our family for the simple reason that they do have that testosterone that makes them the Alpha male. We love that about them. At the same time it can also be their downfall.

Having said that, my hubby was doing too much and being angry with everyone and everything. He had a lot of personal demons raise up at the same time as a big birthday and health problems. It was like he was hitting a brick wall whichever way he turned. As there are no coincendences... I told him I loved him one night and his reply was "at least someone does." I stopped him, put my hands on his chest, looked him square in the eyes and said "Yes I do. And I always will. No matter if you are a prince or an ogre. (He loves Shrek.) I am here for you. (pause) Now how about letting me help with some of this stuff before I become a widow."

With a manly tear in his eye, we actually were able to sit down and have a conversation about it. No nagging. No pointing out problems. Just us saying wow this is overwhelming and we need to see where a starting point is to get it under control. It remineded him that we are a team and together we are supposed to handle life.

It is now 5 months later and there are still plenty of "layers" left to deal with but we are making progress. I bought him trains and slot cars for Christmas. And he has loved them. And work is still pressing but it is not all consuming anymore.

As they say, there is light at the end of the tunnel. And I like to say that that light is from the Word. Remember that the light of the Word will always give you answers. All you have to do is ask.

God bless and good luck with this. You will make it through. thumbs_up.gif
Lisa

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