I am bored and depressed...I know I can always come here for a good laugh.
So lets see Melvira, Toodles, Summernoelle, Cakemaker, Indydebi, Jammjenks, Tita9499 and all the others....where are all you funny ladies??? I need you! Tomorrow is Monday and will only be worse, need to wake up to some of your wacky, crazy, hilarious, stories and puns!
O.K. I am none of the above, I'm not bored, but I am depressed and can't sleep. So the 1st. thing in my head is to tell you this story.
Back in the early 90's I worked in my best friends restaurant. I work the day shift and worked it by my self. Every morning I was to get there around 6:30 am. I would have to turn all the lights on, get the deep fryers and grills going. Start the coffee up, get everything ready for the salad bar, make homemade gravy, biscuits, and fried apples and what ever was going to be the lunch/dinner special for that day.
Now somewhere in between all this, I would have people coming in to get breakfast or other things to eat, and I would have to put the custard machine together for milk shakes, custards and so on. Now when putting this one together, you had to get everything just right, and right were it was to go. I get it put together and get going.
So I go to work on some of my other things, while it's making the custard. I'm just working away, then turn around, and to my . Custard is everywhere . All over the floor, all over the machine...in piles that looked like snow cover mountains. I run over (trying not to step in the stuff, so I don't fall and knot myself out) hit the button to turn it off...but the custard is still coming out of the machine. So I start grabbing anything I can for this custard to fall into. I'm reaching for cups, bowls, plates anything....and the whole time I am doing this all I can think of is the "I Love Lucy Show" were she is working in the candy factory. Were the candy is coming down the conveyor belt so fast, she can't keep up. So she's shoving candy into her mouth, down her shirt.
Now, I am not about to start shoving ice cold custard down my shirt, and even if I do have a big mouth...it's not that big to hold all that custard. Finally, I get it under control, get all of the mess cleaned up. While taking the machine apart, (cause now I have to take it apart, clean every little piece and the machine all over again and put it back together) I'm thinking what happen to this thing . I go back into the kitchen with everything to place it on the tray and what to my eyes should I see. One little part that I forgot to put into the machine, that cause it to go postal on me that morning. I told my friend about what happen when she got there and she said "yeap, that little part will cause it to do that" and then she busted out laughing at me, off and on all day...saying she wished she could have been there to see it.
Lesson of this story, when putting together a custard machine...always make sure to put in all the parts. LOL, thats almost as bad as the time (never having a dish washer till this time) back in the mid 80's, my grandmother gave me her old one. I ran out of dish washing liquid for the machine, and used dawn. Satting in the family room, my 5 yr old DD goes into the kitchen and yells "Bubby! come here hurry! we have bubbles and soap suds every where! Sure enough, the kitchen floor was cover with gaint clouds of suds and moving like the blob into the dinning room. Kids had a blast, but I didn't cleaning it up....and I wonder why my family calls me "LUCY" sometimes.
Hope this cheers you up or made you laugh, made me laugh thinking about it...even if I was laughing at my self As I like to say... laughing is good for the heart, be it yours, or someone else's.
I know how you're feeling & just wanted to give you a BUMP so I can also see these great stories.
Melvira always has something to say to make us feel good and laugh, let's wait for her ,I know how do you feel some days I feel like that.
Blessings for you all
OMG, Sharon ive dont the dishwasher thing! Last year I ran out of dishwasher powder and used the regular dish soap (Ajax i think). My husband wasnt home so i called and asked if it was ok for me to do it and he said yeah(he later said he thought i meant laundry powder). Well i filled up the little thing int he dishwasher and sure enough a few minutes later bubbles were pouring out the dishwasher...everywhere! Whats worse is we were entertaing that night so all night im having to clean around the dishwasher. When if finished washing i opened it and scooped quite a few large bowls full of bubbles out. It was such a mess, but hubbys family was very amused! I know the story was way funnier to ppl who have actually done it, but i hope it makes you ladies smile!
WOW! I'm flattered that I came to your mind when you needed cheering up. I didn't see your post yesterday, so I'm a little late. Here's a funny story nonetheless:
We had a photographer set up at the church making family pictures for our new directory. He thought himself MUCH funnier than anyone else thought of him, so he was trying to be all funny with what he had people say. He told my FIL's group to say, "Elmer Fuddpucker". Shouldn't it be something that makes you look like you're smiling at the end of the word? Oh well, I digress.... My FIL, who has taught Sunday School all his adult life and has attended this church since he was born, says, "Elmer Puddf*#^er". You should have seen the faces....priceless!
LOl great stories. I am keeping my eyes on this thread.
Oh, when I was a teenager, we did the same thing with our dishwasher. Put the soap in there and a little later, I walked into the kitchen and the suds were raising up the vinyl floor! It was a big bubble full of suds, not to mention the rest of the bubbles covering the floor.
Hey Teri! I'm so sorry I didn't see your post yesterday... My DD had a bunch of giggling teenage girls over for her birthday, and once they all left it was time to do the laundry , so, needless to say I didn't get a chance to jump on. I'm flattered you thought of me as well!
Jammjenks' story reminded me of one that happened to my mom at church when I was little. My Dad was a pastor at the time, and after church everyone was trying to decide where to go and my mom was like, "We can all go to Ruddf*ckers!" For those of you that don't know it's supposed to be Fuddruckers. Everyone started busting up and she turned about 10 shades of red.
You know the old "Kids say the darndest things" show. Well being a dance educator for over 30 years I have heard many a funny remark out of my little ones.
My favorite is this one. My preschool class always did the 3 little fishy's song in tap class. The lyrics for the chorus part is "Boop Boop Didum Dadum Wadum Choo, and they swam and they swam all over the dam"
Well one little girl when it came her turn to do it by herself sang "and they swam and they swam all over the DAMN IT!" It was so funny I nearly peed my pants...of course she didn't understand why Ms. Angie was laughing to the point of tears so she started to cry...
Okay, I really don't know if my stories are funny or more depressing (for me at least), but nevertheless people end up laughing (more at me than with me. And I hate hearing that someone is depressed, so I'm willing to subject myself to public humiliation just for you Teri (and anyone who wants to laugh at my misery). This is super long so bear with me...
Happiest day of my life, the day I commit to one man for the rest of my life, THE DAY I PLEDGE MY UNDYING blah, blah, blah...my wedding day.
Rewind 1 month:
Driving to a Hispanic Heritage festival in Washington, DC, the car we borrowed to get there overheats while stuck in traffic and my impatient fiance (at the time) decides he needs to uncap the radiator immediately and BOOM! Boiling water blows up in his face giving him 1st degree burns on the left side of his face.
Fast Forward 2 weeks (2 weeks before the wedding):
Our Pastor who told us we'd get married the day I introduced my then "friend" to him dies of a massive heart attack right before service. No pastor to marry us.
My horror started the night before my wedding. I'm out on my last night of freedom with my maid of honor and her mother at a club and I was going to spend the night at her house. My fiance (at the time) and I were spending the night apart, you know, because we wanted to do the right thing after shackin' up for the last 4 months and spend the night alone, like good the good Christians we are. Anyways, I left the club earlier than the MoH and her mom because I had to be up at 9AM to get my hair done. She tells me, "I left the garage door unlocked, just lift it up". Ok, grew up in the Bronx, there's like two houses with garages and mine wasn't one of them. So I get to house at 1AM and I go to the garage door handle and turn it- click! "What's that?". That my friend, was the sound of the garage door locking. 3 hours, yes THREE, my MoH and her mom show up and unlock the house.
The hairdresser, who obviously was afraid of my super curly hair, asked me if I "wouldn't mind" straightening out my hair so she could "CURL" it at the appointment. PSA: (and PLEASE DON'T TAKE OFFENSE) Puerto Rican or Dominican women should not let white women who have never touched those types of hair do their wedding day do's. Okay moving on...
By now my aunt and cousin from the Bronx (read- Ghetto) have made it to the house and we all leave to go to my hair appt. Get there 15 min early, stylist arrives 2 hours late. Huh? So I am started by the chick in the last chair in the shop, ie. the chogey girl who is only allowed to sweep up the little hairs that fall on the floor. So she's looking at my lion's mane of hair and is actually looking frightened. But, she takes out a Conair curling iron and I think my hair actually laughed at it. Stylist I had a CONSULTATION with two weeks earlier finally saunters in and says, "My bad, I was having kid issues. I'm gonna have to hurry with you because my next appt is waiting" I turned around and said, "Unless your next client is Jesus, you ain't rushing nothing". She giggled and said, "okay" and proceeded to make me look like a crackhead transvestite hooker. My hair was mid-way down my back and was supposed to have big loose curls half-up half-down. The curls at the root of my head were more afro than curls. The "half-up" part was all lopsided so I looked like Sarah Jessica Parker in that 80's movie "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun". So my aunt (ghetto) had been walking around the mall and when she came back to get me saw my hair and went OFF! She's not a Christian so her words were VERY colorful: "What the f*** did you do to my nieces hair? I could do a better job smoking a f***ing Newport with a Hieneken in my other hand you b****. Do you realize she's gettin' married in 3 hours? What the f***?" I'm like, "whoa!"
I went to the manager and told her I was pissed. She said, "well you should've come in for a consultation" I told her I did, but even if I hadn't that doesn't excuse the rats' nest on top of my head that this chick called a style. She said, "well what do you me to do about it, I think it looks fine" I told her would you let your daughter get married looking like this? She, of course, said no. I told her I wanted her to pay for the time I wasted in the salon and the products I'll have to use to fix it and I wasn't going to pay a dime for what that chick did to my hair. She ended up giving me the products and I drug my still cursing aunt out of the salon.
Rushed home to DO my hair. The photographer had been waiting an hour already. Took pictures and the whole time rolling my eyes at my cousin who obviously decided the attire for my wedding was "Bronx basement club hoochie mama dress". Rushed to the church where a girl who, after finding out my wedding was going to be the 4th of September, decided that was the perfect day for hers too. And of course her wedding, since she was a part of the ghetto faction as well, ran 45 minutes late so it made mine late. But that didn't matter because the flower girl who's dress I paid for has a, you guessed it, ghetto mother who hadn't even left for the wedding yet in spite of the fact that she lived an hour and a half away. Had to ask my friends 10 YEAR OLD to be my flower girl so now my classy wedding was bordering on ghetto too. YAY!
Wedding starts, find out my hubby's still hungover from the night before. Roll my eyes while the minister we got at the last minute mispronounces our names so badly the entire church cracks up laughing. Do the recession and scream at someone to bring me an umbrella because there's a torrential downpour outside. Get to the reception, realize the shoes I was going to change into are still back at the church. Scream at grandma because "it's not your day and no one is going ESCORT you and ANNOUNCE you, JUST SIT DOWN!". Find my 6'5" 300lb uncle scouring the yellow pages for a place that fixes windshields because while he was driving himself and his family IN OUR CAR to the reception, his youngest son got mad and pees on his mother's lap (don't ask) and my uncle got pissed and punched the windshield subsequently breakin' it. Find my best friend/bridesmaid crying her eyes out, when my DH and I ask what's wrong she says: "YOUR CAKE FELL ON THE FLOOR!!!" Sure, enough, I go to the kitchen and the cake is sitting in a pile on a counter. Drink warm champagne and almost dance to the wrong song titled "Ella fue" (Shewas) as in, "she was the one" for our first dance . And end the reception takin' off my earrings and shoes to fight my drunk cousin and sister in the parking lot because they're jealous they aren't the ones getting married and I think I'm better than them.
To finish the night, my husband and I go to our favorite club where everyone's buying us congratulation drinks. I get bent, fall asleep in the car, and since it's still raining, while my DH's driving back to our room, hyrdoplanes across 3 lanes of traffic on I95 and we almost die!
FUN TIMES!! Hope that lenghty story didn't make you more depressed...I need a Xanax now.
Lighter note, funnier story (better spelling and grammar-hopefully).
Driving with my DH and 3 year old twins in the car to meet some friends for dinner.
Babies are huge Veggietales freaks and DS wants "Papa to sing 'The Bunny Song'".
Papa doesn't even know all the words, but I can rock it out so I start singing, "The bunny, the bunny, WHOA! I love the bunny"
DS: "No, no, no, stop Mama, you too loud. Papa sing it."
Me: "Why can't I sing the song"
DS: "Papa! Sing the song!"
Me:" The bunny, the bunny, YEAH! I love the bunny"
DS: "STOP STOP STOP, you too loud, Papa sing the song"
Me and DH: "Why can't Mama sing the song"
DS: "JUST SING THE DAMN SONG!"
DH: almost crashing because he's laughing so hard
Me: glaring at DH "Did you teach him to say 'Damn'?"
Oh Tita- I'm so sorry you r wedding was such a disaster.... hope the marriage is going better! Kids are so cute when they're swearing, aren't they?
Yesterday my 6 yr old son (who repeats entire conversations from cartoons, tv shows, commercials, etc.):
DS: "Patrick, your penis is showing!"
DH and I are like WHAT!? Where did you hear that?
DS: Sponge Bob!
Us: No way they can't say that on a cartoon!
DS: Yeah that's what it says, I swear!
Gets out his Video Now, puts on the episode, makes us listen to the stupid squirrel yodeling for 5 minutes, then, Patrick comes up with some stupid hairbrained idea for something, and Sponge Bob goes, "Patrick, your genius is showing!"
DH and I just started busting up! Kids are always good for a laugh!
Oh Tita- I'm so sorry you r wedding was such a disaster.... hope the marriage is going better! Kids are so cute when they're swearing, aren't they?
I guess, in a "my 3 year old is talking like a hoodlum sort of way". No, I'm a prude when it comes to stuff like that. I hate hearing a little child swear. I even got upset because DH was laughing like it was funny and he feels the same regarding kids cursing. He told me when he regained his composure that he wasn't laughing at my son he was laughing at how I reacted. He told me, "You know Sammy stutters, (not severly) he didn't say 'damn' he said: "Sing duh duh song". You're just a freak when it comes to stuff like that.
I could've sworn he cursed though.
Toodles: I told my DH, if the wedding went this bad and we still went through with it, the rest should be a breeze. Thank God it's gotten better and better
My son, now 5, was slow to learn to talk, but he was certainly paying attention and taking in everything I said. I realized I needed to change my verbal reactions to certain events one day when we were in the grocery store. A woman near us dropped an item while getting it off the shelf, and my 2 year old son promptly responded, "oh, sh*t".
Any guesses what I used to say when I dropped something?
Yeah, Iwas totally kidding in my last post, I know you can't hear the sarcasm through the internet , I only meant that they're so innocent about it, you just have to laugh sometimes. I hate hearing kids swear as well... in my son's kindergarten (yes, kindergarten) class last year there was this little boy who would slip and swear all of the time. It was really sad. I am guilty of having a potty mouth sometimes, but my kids know better. You could just tell that the other little boys family could care less. I helped out in the classroom several times a week, and there were other signs as well with him. It was sad. Anyway... on a lighter note, glad your marriage is going so well!
LOL! Sorry, I didn't mean to come off like, that is the bad thing about "speaking" over the computer.
I think that's why my DH reacted the way he did. I'm a SAHM so the only person/people they're around (with the exception of our friends from church) are us and we never curse. I think the foulest thing that'll come out of my mouth around them is 'doggone it'. LOL!
I have always been real careful about that because I once heard my good friend's daughter say "Aw, f*** that!" and my girlfriend laughed! I told her that was sick, not as sick as when I saw her husband give her 1 year old son take a sip from his beer bottle, but still sick. I got up, told them they have no class and that if they're lucky I decide not to report them to CPS and left. Haven't spoken to her since.
Don't worry Tita! No offense was taken, I just wanted to clarify. We had a friend that would give his son a sip of beer as well, my hubby and I just looked at him like he was crazy. He's pretty low class, as is his wife. Lucky for us they moved up north, so we don't have much contact with them anymore except the occasional e-mail. Some people!
Okay, sorry to go off on a rant... more non-depressing funny stories please.
Great stories ! Well I hope you guys think this is funny.
My girlfriends then 3yr old son came out of the bathroom one day and he had found her" lets call it her that time of the month supplies "
you know the self stick ones... and he came out wearing one stuck on each wrist and one accross his forehead he thought they were sweatbands and was going out in the hot summer weather to play
It's a really hot day. Hubby rushes into the house and locks the door, then peers thru the curtains laughing at me. I tell him 'not funny ... open the door." He keeps making funny faces. So ...... standing there on the front porch, I start pulling my t-shirt off over my head (back in the day when I was cute, skinny, sexy and could go without a bra). Man, I never saw a man unlock a door so fast!!!
TOO FUNNY DEBI!!
Debi- You are so funny! I wish I had the balls to do something like that!
Oh, we're kind of a fun couple! I can't even give you details on the story that has a great look on the face of a guy driving a pick-up truck as he drove past us on a back country road ...... Let's just say my feet WEREN'T on the floor of the car and it pays homage to my hubby's driving skill!
I knew I could count on you all!!
I've been gone all day and had to get dinner started before i could sit down and respond....now I don't even know where to start!
Tita...yours are always way out there! Your wedding sounds like my wedding disaster, but we'll save that for another day
I still go back to your post when the girls box of cookies got punched and what your response was!!! OH MY GOSH!!!! I laughed so hard!
Children saying things....oh my! When my now 16 yr old was 3, he used to sing a christian childrens song, part of it was "I've got the peace of understanding down in my heart" well it came out of his mouth as "I've got piece of A** out in the park'"!!! We about died let me tell you! To this day we still don't know where it came from!
The veggie tales Bunny song!!! Oh no thats another one!! LOL!!
OK so my friend and I have the same kind of ....ummm.... toy....ummm... bunny (shes gonna kill me)
So when she calls me that is the ring tone for her!!!
Debi....LOL...I've done the same to mine!!! Except he opened the door so he could attack me!
Thanks ladies....you can keep them coming though!!
Glad we could make you smile...
Debi- I think my hubby and I were giving same kind of show while driving one time... and I knocked the gearshift in to neutral... on the freeway. Yeah, our transmission only lasted a few more months after that one.
Teri- does your bunny do your laundry for you? Too funny about the ring tone!
Toodles, only when DH is included, or he's out of town and on the phone telling which temperature and if it should be a gentle cycle or not
Hey did you grow up in Riverside? Are we the same age? I'm 36.
Ok...I think this is one of the funniest things I have ever witnessed.
My DS and DIL were in town from out-of state for the holidays. My DH and I took them out to the local watering hole for some beers and to shoot some pool. Us ladies were sitting at the bar, the guys shooting a game, when a kind of seedy looking man wheeled in on a motorized wheelchair.
He wheeled up to the bar and started to get out of the chair to sit on a bar stool. My DIL whispered to me...You think we should offer him some help? I stated that it probably wasn't a good idea. He looked to have it under control. He made it to the stool and ordered a beer.
A few minutes later, the manager of the bar came in the front door. Upon seeing the "disabled" man at the bar, he proceeded to shout...Lloyd! You know you're not allowed in here! You're barred!
And with that, the man hurriedly stood up and rushed out of the bar, leaving the wheelchair behind! My DH said....Wow! Did you see that? This bar has healing powers!
Just the look on my DIL's face was priceless! Smile! You'll feel better.
Yes, I grew up in Riverside, and I'm 36. I'll be 37 next month. My name is Valerie. Where did you grow up. I was always a metal chick, back in the 80's. I lived in Mira Loma for a couple years when I was a teenager, but still hung out in Riverside.