Something that really helped me was to realize that having the last word had nothing to do with "winning" in the situation. I was still the parent and if I insisted on having the last word, I was only going to escalate the situation. I learned several tactics that helped me to stop escalating these situations with my daughter...it seems the dynamics were completely different with my son.
Speak quietly, unemotionally, but firmly.
If possible and appropriate, be pleasant.
Say what I need to say then make a quick exit.
When questioned and there was nothing useful in answering these questions, I would either calmly and unemotionally repeat what I said before or simply state that there was nothing more to say...and then go about my business.
Usually, it takes two to make a scene. If a teenager (or a toddler
) finds you aren't going to participate in this drama, after looking ridiculous for a while, eventually they may stop. Or slow down.But I still say the best advice is having no need for the last word. Remember you are the parent and you don't need it.
This is great advice ziggy, and you're right about not having to get the last word. Once my DH figured that out it was a lot more peaceful around here. You can't argue with yourself........well I guess you could but you'd look pretty foolish. Nothing works better with our DD than staying calm and than eventually just walking away.
Also just to clarify to those of you with your panties in a tither about the hitting thing. I mentioned above in my post that I don't remember acting the way teens today do because I knew I'd get a "back hander" if I did. I'm almost 50, so things were a lot different when I was growing up, than they are now. I'm the youngest of 8 kids....my Mom was the disciplinarian because my Dad worked a lot to support us. My Mom NEVER had to hit us, in fact she never did, but it was the respect that we had for her that kept us in line.
That respect is lacking today in a lot of homes. I wonder what it would take to get it back. I've witnessed a teenage girl calling her mother stupid in public, and loud enough for all to hear. You bet your butt, this girl has not one ounce of respect for her mom. I saw the look of hurt on this woman's face when she realized people heard her daughter, it was very sad. That type of disrespect is very unfortunate and sad and all too common today.
I worry sometimes about the type of parents these people will make. You can't be so self-centered when you have children, hopefully they'll learn that before they have any.
I wish I cold get my husband to get the idea that arguing with an emotional child is an exercise in futility. I will send my 6 yo to his room, shut the door, and leave until he calms down. Hubby will keep arguing with him, both of them getting louder and more hysterical and it drieves me crazy. One night I'd had it and yelled and him to just shut the damn door and walk away. Then he had a hissy fit because I yelled at him. So I sent them both to their rooms without dinner that night 
.
The bad thing with my daughter is that I will try to walk away, and she will just keep following me, whining and arguing the whole time. I have to go in my room, push her out of the door, shut it & lock it, then go in my bathroom and turn the fan on so I don't have to hear her anymore. She is EXTREMELY strong willed! When she was little, it wasn't a problem because she almost never wanted to do anything that I needed to say no to, so she generally got her way.
Debi, I say the same thing to my kids, "Now remember who you're talking to; I'm not your father and whining will just get you in trouble", or "I'm not the gullible one, so you'd better just tell the truth to begin with". He always believes whatever lies/excuses DD come up with, when it's so obvious that it's not true.
I wish I cold get my husband to get the idea that arguing with an emotional child is an exercise in futility.
Oh I had to tell my sister this when her kids were little. She was trying to sell me a line of soap about how she wants them to understaaaaaaand what she means and why she's upset. (insert here: Debi's face with rolling eyes and making gagging motions!). I told her, "You're lowering yourself to the level of a FOUR YEAR OLD!! He doesnt' understand logic. He understands that he wants his way NOW! And that's ALL he understands! You're not going to get him to admit he's wrong ... you're not going to get him to admit you're right ... you're not going to get him to acknowledge you're the smartest mommy in the world! So stop it!!!!"
I luv her to death, but she always wanting to be her kids' friend more than to be their parent. And we all know how THOSE kids usually turn out! 
I luv her to death, but she always wanting to be her kids' friend more than to be their parent. And we all know how THOSE kids usually turn out!
I know; that's what I'm afraid of! He just refuses to man-up and act like a parent. He wants them to like him, is ridiculously afraid of confrontation, and he tends to transfer his own issues onto them. He is always telling me I'm "hurting their self-esteem" when I yell at them or punish them, because HE has self-esteem issues. Our daughter even makes fun of him for saying that; she knows how ridiculous it is. He used to tell me I was going to make them have "bathroom issues" because I'd make them go to the bathroom before we'd get in the car to go somewhere! I can't get him to realize that HE is doing more damage to their self-esteem when he babies them, does everything for them, and doesn't give them any responsibility. He's not so much a "friend" because he is so out-of-touch with what's going on around him and in modern society. He's more like an indulgent grandparent. I feel like a single parent with a live-in elderly relative. He's not even really old; he'll be 50 this year, but he acts like he's 80 most of the time.
Jen, maybe if you and your husband spoke to a therapist he would listen to their advice. We did that after my DD was diagnosed with ADD, we were at our wits end and it was really putting a strain on our relationship. The therapist really helped......sometimes when you both get a chance to speak in front of a third party, you hear things for the first time.
Speaking from experience, don't allow the issues with your DD to interfere with you and your DH's relationship. Once the kids are grown and away at college or wherever it's just the 2 of you again. You want to be sure that you keep your marriage strong. Sometimes I think kids feel a sense of achievement when they can get their parents to battle over them.
It's relly difficult raising our kids today, there are so many more distractions than what we had. cell phones, internet, facebook, myspace etc. etc. etc.
There's something to be said for the "Simpler" times............
I remember telling my mouthy 8yo that we *had* to give him shelter, food, water and clothes, but we did not have to give him toys, books, CDs, etc. His little mouth dropped open. It made an impact on him.
Maybe you could go to what Dr Phil calls commando parenting which is basically taking away everything that they don't need to live and make them earn it all back. good luck!
I'm sorry, but I'm a little "old school" when it comes to my kids. I have not, EVER, tolerated them being disrepectful to me or any one else for that matter. I started when they were toddlers.
When my daughter, who is 14 now, first got her period at the age of 12, she was a nightmare. We got through that first month, and from then on, I was aware of when she had PMS that she would be a little short and snappy. I set the tone immediatly that I also suffered from PMS on occasion and that I would always be better at it than she was. I give her a little space on those days, but she also knows that I will not tolerate an excessive attitude.
Like Jodie said, you are allowing it. If you want to get a handle on it, take away the video games, cell phone, computer, etc. she'll live. She'll hate it, but she'll live.
In short...Drop the hammer, momma, or it won't get better.
AMEN!!!!
I remember my mom telling me that she hoped when I had kids I'd have a daughter just like I was when I was 13 - Moody as all H*LL! She said that my moods changed more than the seconds on a stopwatch; she never knew if Jekyll or Hyde would walk into the room. That was around the time I got my period for the first time, so maybe it is hormonal, but you can't back down. My mom certainly didn't. (Oh, and I have 2 boys, sorry mom!)
I once heard or read about this woman who would always get interrupted by her kids when she was on the phone. She finally told them that if they kept bothering her while she was on the phone, her answer would be "NO" to whatever they were asking. If they waited until she was off, then she would talk about it with them. Maybe you could do that with your daughter. Tell her if she can't hold a civil conversation with you about something she wants, your answer is an automatic no, and she will have further consequences if she goes behind your back to her dad after you have said no. Might be worth a try and just my two cents.
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