Open Mouth....insert Foot....vent

Lounge By kimmypooh79 Updated 19 Dec 2008 , 3:27am by JenniferMI

kimmypooh79 Posted 10 Nov 2008 , 8:40am
post #1 of 36

For the first time my 3 year old stayed the night at her grandmother's house (aka bubbie). Anyway, Bubbie has a bad habit of speaking before she thinks or just being plain mean. Bubbie brought DD home this morning and because DD wasn't ready to come home she was a little cranky and whiny. DD was fine after a few minutes and her whining was nothing. Fast forward to 6PM, called bubbie to see if her date went well and she says, out of the blue, "So is she still being a bitch?" icon_confused.gif I was starting to wonder if she knew who she was talking to so I ask is who being a bitch. icon_surprised.gif She says DD's name. icon_eek.gificon_mad.giftapedshut.gif WTH??? I was so shocked I didn't know what to say. Who refers to their own 3 year old grandchild in that manner?

What's your take? Would you consider referring to someone in that manner calling them a bitch? B/c I don't see a difference between saying you are one and you're acting like one. Ultimately they both mean that you are being a bitch.

35 replies
sugarwishes Posted 10 Nov 2008 , 10:09am
post #2 of 36

Oh my goodness! I don't even know what to say icon_surprised.gif I'm in shock, so I can only imagine how you feel!! I'm so sorry she said that. I think you should talk to her and tell her how you feel. It's uncalled for and it should have never been said. I hope it works out. icon_sad.gif

veejaytx Posted 10 Nov 2008 , 10:31am
post #3 of 36

I think, once I realized Bubbie was referring to my daughter, I probably would have said something to the effect of "she is 3 years old, Bubbie, and how old are you."

Little girls who are cranky and whiny do not get called the b word, cranky and whiny grown women...maybe!

Bubbie is totally out of line IMHO.

Auryn Posted 10 Nov 2008 , 12:46pm
post #4 of 36

OMG that is absolutely dispicable
I would make it a point that DD is no long allowed to sleep there.
I would also tell 'bubbie' not to worry because she won't be spending anymore unsupervised time with DD.

That behavior is not justified by her 'speaking before thinking' habit that you say she has. That is just malicious.
I would be afraid that she would say that directly to my DD.

kimmypooh79 Posted 10 Nov 2008 , 1:31pm
post #5 of 36

I talked to her once already when she said that to me and her response was that it was my problem and not hers. DH has also had talks with her but she is never in the wrong in her eyes. He says that he'll talk to her again but it won't do any good. DH agreed to let her stay b/c he's hoping that bubbie will get attached and change. I don't see that happening though, all I see is a bad influence.

In the last couple of weeks she had mentioned having DD overnight and I was curious why she all of a sudden wanted that. Yesterday I found out that this guy she's dating wants a woman with "family values" but quite frankly I don't think she knows what that means. She goes weeks at a time without seeing DD and she lives 3 houses down. She's not a total butthead, she's extremely giving and gifts all the time but I think she does that out of guilt. I'd like to think that she just wanted DD's company but it's hard to give her the benefit of the doubt. icon_rolleyes.gif

adonisthegreek1 Posted 10 Nov 2008 , 1:51pm
post #6 of 36
Quote:
Originally Posted by kimmypooh79

...What's your take? Would you consider referring to someone in that manner calling them a bitch? B/c I don't see a difference between saying you are one and you're acting like one. Ultimately they both mean that you are being a bitch.




There are some bratty teens who I certainly say ACT like a bitch. I did not directly call them a name. I was referring to their behavior. However, anyway you look at it it is certainly out of line to use that word in reference to a 3 year old.

michellenj Posted 10 Nov 2008 , 2:12pm
post #7 of 36

My mother does things like that, too. And she wonders why I won't let the kids come visit without me! Mine says things like that for shock value, and in a pitiful attempt at being funny. She also makes terrible, racist remarks and jokes. She wants my kids to come visit them in GA for a week at a time when they get older, and I don't want them to be exposed to her racism or looniness in general.

In the case of your mother, I'd just tell her to shut it the next time she makes a remark like that.

CakesByJen2 Posted 10 Nov 2008 , 3:48pm
post #8 of 36

I think I would've said, "No, but you certainly are!" and hung up! icon_biggrin.gif

I would make it very clear to her that speaking about your child in that manner is absolutely unacceptable, abusive, and will not be tolerated. Period. I would NOT let your daughter spend the night with her ever again, or any other unsupervised visits. It seems clear to me she is just using her as a prop to try to present a certain image to her gentleman friend. I just can't imagine ANYONE called a 3 yo a bitch, but certainly not the child's own grandmother! Your husband needs to grow a spine and put his child's best interest first.

kimmypooh79 Posted 10 Nov 2008 , 4:42pm
post #9 of 36
Quote:
Originally Posted by CakesByJen2

Your husband needs to grow a spine and put his child's best interest first.




I couldn't agree more....I've told him before to grow a pair. I can't understand why she is the way she is b/c her mother was so loving, DH is sensitive, but I guess she was the bad seed. She has a temper and gets really defensive and won't listen when you confront her about anything. It's so frustrating....she acts like a child!!!

emrldsky Posted 11 Nov 2008 , 2:37pm
post #10 of 36

Personally, that would be the end of the visits. You can wish all you want for this woman to change and treat your child (her grandchild) with the love and kindness that you would certainly show, but she won't change.

If she cannot see how it is wrong to refer to a CHILD that way, she will not change. People tend to change because they realize their behavior is hurtful and wrong. They don't change because someone wants them to badly enough.

mommicakes Posted 11 Nov 2008 , 2:42pm
post #11 of 36

TOTALLY OUT OF LINE!!! tapedshut.gif

I can't believe she spoke that way about her granddaughter!!!!! I think she needs to think long and hard before you let her visit again for a while. JMO.

tracycakes Posted 11 Nov 2008 , 3:05pm
post #12 of 36

I am shocked that ANY grandmother would talk that way about her 3 year granddaughter - or ANY 3 year old for that matter. Even if she used the term as a joke (which is doesn't appear that she did in this situation), that is totally inappropriate. I would have to had a talk with her about why she could no longer have unsupervised visits with her granddaughter.

Outspoken or not, there are limits and I cannot imagine what the child is being exposed to at her house. It also appears to me that she is using the child to get in the good graces of this boyfriend - never a good idea.

Kimmypooh, thisi s a tough situation and I'm sorry that you have to deal with it. It's unfair for everyone all around, but maybe after a serious conversation with bubbie, she'll see the error in her ways.

kimmypooh79 Posted 11 Nov 2008 , 3:19pm
post #13 of 36

UPDATE---

I wanted to wait and make judgment until after DH spoke with MIL about her mouth. He was very calm, and he spoke to her with respect.

Her responses:
1-I don't remember saying that
2-You guys are just too sensitive about that stuff
3-I'm not going to talk about this with you
4-If that's the way you took it then that's your problem but I don't remember saying it
5-I'm not going to apologize for something I don't remember saying

Despite his attempt at a civil conversation, as expected, she reacted like a child and eventually after her above responses would not even speak.
DH told her that she was being immature, and that in the future he expects that she will think about her word choices and order before they leave her mouth. He reminded her that this was not the first time she referred to someone (me once) that way. Also, he told her that if this was not discussed it would fester, eventually become a bigger issue, and by saying something he at least was putting it out there for her to correct it.


We knew she wouldn't take responsibility for her remarks but we at least gave her the opportunity. I told my DH what everyone here said about DD not visiting with bubbie like that anymore, my mother also feels that way. Before his conversation he felt that would be punishing DD, too. However, after talking to his mother I think he is singing a different tune.

She's 55, she's set in her ways, she's not going to change. She is and will be a bad influence. From her drunk driving, her illegal smoking, to her insensitive nature. DD loves her bubbie but I can't have my girl around that. icon_sad.gif
(FYI--She doesn't do the drinking/smoking thing around DD.....yet)

Thank you to everyone for your advice and support.

emrldsky Posted 11 Nov 2008 , 3:22pm
post #14 of 36

I just thought of something...do you know if this woman has said anything directly to your daughter? I only ask because my own grandmother was known for saying things that she felt was honest, but really hurt me.

For example (this tells you the level of hurt I experienced), when I was 5, my grandmother told me that she and my grandfather weren't going to take my to Wisconsin with them because I talked too much. Now, at that time, they had taken both of my older brothers and it was coming up on my turn.

My grandparents never did take me, but my mom had a few choice words for her. I'm 26, and I still remember her saying it to me. :/

kimmypooh79 Posted 11 Nov 2008 , 7:06pm
post #15 of 36

She is usually only with her when we are present and watches her mouth. I haven't heard her say anything like that to her face but if I do you can bet I'll be all over her. I don't understand people like her and your grandparents. Honesty is no excuse to be mean, you can be honest without being hurtful. My grandmother told me I was as big as the side of a house when I was around 13. She wasn't the nurturing type either obviously.

Mike1394 Posted 11 Nov 2008 , 8:31pm
post #16 of 36

So she said this to you, not your daughter? Depending on how bad the kid was. I would've used PITA instaed of bitch.

Mike

kimmypooh79 Posted 11 Nov 2008 , 11:56pm
post #17 of 36
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mike1394

So she said this to you, not your daughter? Depending on how bad the kid was. I would've used PITA instaed of bitch.

Mike





Yes she said this to me. Her behavior wasn't even bad enough to qualify as being called a brat much less a PITA or bitch. Our DD is the kind of child that sits quietly in a restaurant and stops bad behavior at the threat of timeout. I don't know what we did to have such a well behaved child but I'm not complaining. thumbs_up.gif

indydebi Posted 12 Nov 2008 , 12:41am
post #18 of 36

You've said it a number of times. She won't acknowledge her actions ... if she hints at acknowledging it, she turns it into a no-big-deal .... it's not her fault, it's YOUR fault for being "sensitive" .... she doesn't remember it (so YOU must be lying). She's not going to change.

Cut her off. Hubby's "dream" of her changing if she's around the granddaughter is just wishful thinking. People like that will NOT change.

My kids .... my rules .... my standards. You can't meet those .... you can't be around my kids.

Don't give me the crap about how kids "Need" their grandmother. That pertains to GOOD grandmothers who don't use their grandchildren to impress a boyfriend .... and those who don't call their 3 year old granddaughter a bitch!

And if you go this route, remember one thing: YOU did not stop this relationship. SHE made all the decisions that caused you, as a responsible parent, to be forced to go this route.

Yeah.....I get a little 'passionate' over crap like this! icon_mad.gif

dragonflydreams Posted 12 Nov 2008 , 12:51am
post #19 of 36

. . . what indydebi said . . . thumbs_up.gif

kimmypooh79 Posted 12 Nov 2008 , 1:18am
post #20 of 36
Quote:
Originally Posted by indydebi


Yeah.....I get a little 'passionate' over crap like this! icon_mad.gif




I wish all parents/grandparents could be as passionate as we all are.

michellenj Posted 12 Nov 2008 , 11:21am
post #21 of 36

She calls her granddaughter a bitch and doesn't remember????

Do you think she may have been drinking, or have you considered the fact that she may have some mental issues?

kimmypooh79 Posted 12 Nov 2008 , 4:05pm
post #22 of 36
Quote:
Originally Posted by michellenj

She calls her granddaughter a bitch and doesn't remember????

Do you think she may have been drinking, or have you considered the fact that she may have some mental issues?




She was driving when we spoke but sadly the drinking is likely as she does this a couple or more times a month. We are positive she has mental issues. 42 years of smoking stuff is bound to kill a few brain cells. Of course you can't tell her that.....she's just fine. icon_rolleyes.gif

I re-read my posts and thought....they must think I'm a terrible parent for even letting her be around my DD considering her habit. I know there are lots of ppl that smoke stuff and I try not to judge. That is HER thing and I am not the one who has to answer for HER actions. I just know that she has never smoked in front of us and she knows how we feel about it. Talking to her did no good as we earned the title "buzz killers". We only go to her house when we're invited so once every few months and she knows better than to bring it into our house. She's not some drug junkie, she smokes the one thing, she's always had a steady job, and she does well for herself. Just don't want ppl thinking she's a stereo-typical junkie.

michellenj Posted 12 Nov 2008 , 5:51pm
post #23 of 36

Oh, Kimmy, we could have the same mother, except mine does prescription drugs. She never remembers ANYTHING!!! I get so freakin' annoyed having the same conversation with her OVER AND OVER AGAIN because she can't remember anything.

Chippi Posted 12 Nov 2008 , 11:27pm
post #24 of 36

This is why I have almost 1200 miles between me and my mom. LOL I totally feel for you Kimmy. My mom is the same way. Make a big huge cake and the next time she says or does something mean .....plow it in her face! icon_smile.gif

Chippi

Auryn Posted 13 Nov 2008 , 2:48am
post #25 of 36

Chippi- I wish I could put that many miles between us and my boyfriend's mom.
All she does is cause problems

Chippi Posted 13 Nov 2008 , 3:50am
post #26 of 36

I invited my mom here to my home few years back she was here one day and I flew her back the very next day! icon_smile.gif I will not tolerate it one single bit and maybe one day she will come around and see just how much she has missed. icon_smile.gif Meantime I will pray for her, thats all I can do for her. I would even do it if I lived right beside her.

Good luck Auryn I know what your going thru. I have learned that as children we want approval, acceptance and respect from our parents even as we are older. Hopefully you have all that by the time your my age, but some don't.

It really hurt me alot last few months because my dad passed away and I thought me and my mothers relationship would improve. It actually got worse. And I promised my dad when he was alive I would take care of her after he passed. I was his hospice nurse. Even though I knew it would be the hardest thing for me to do in this world, but I swore to myself I would do it for dad not matter what. After he passed I came back home and my mom went back and forth on coming here, one day she was next day she wasn't. I just gave up. Then she done something really mean to me and so I gave up on that promise I made to my father. It hurts but I also know I deserve respect just like every human being on this planet. It's sad how family members can so easily disrespect their own family than an outsider. So she no longer has the choice to come here.

I think its great we have this forum to vent, and share things that show us we're all not alone and have alot in common. Good and Bad. With all that said I'm gonna go eat a HUGE piece of cake!!!! lol


Sorry so long,
Chippi icon_smile.gif

kimmypooh79 Posted 13 Nov 2008 , 4:02am
post #27 of 36
Quote:
Originally Posted by michellenj

Oh, Kimmy, we could have the same mother, except mine does prescription drugs. She never remembers ANYTHING!!! I get so freakin' annoyed having the same conversation with her OVER AND OVER AGAIN because she can't remember anything.




Quote:
Originally Posted by chippi

This is why I have almost 1200 miles between me and my mom. LOL I totally feel for you Kimmy. My mom is the same way. Make a big huge cake and the next time she says or does something mean .....plow it in her face! Smile

Chippi




I know....sometimes it's all I can do not to smack her over the head with a cake pan. icon_wink.gif

Quote:
Originally Posted by auryn

Chippi- I wish I could put that many miles between us and my boyfriend's mom.
All she does is cause problems




I hope your BF doesn't put up with it. Between the manipulation from my MIL, FIL, and FIL's wife my DH was a total doormat when we met. I taught him to stand up for himself....that went well icon_rolleyes.gif I mostly get along with MIL but the other two I think hate me and it's rubbed off on his little sister. They practically ignore me. Oh well..... icon_cool.gif

Chippi--Sorry to hear about everything you went through with your dad passing AND your mother behaving badly. What doesn't kill us right???

Chippi Posted 13 Nov 2008 , 4:18am
post #28 of 36

yep.....I also lost my twin sister and my mom was the only other girl in our family. I just glad I had three older brothers to tuffin me up! icon_smile.gif lol

GI Posted 3 Dec 2008 , 10:12pm
post #29 of 36
Quote:
Originally Posted by kimmypooh79

In the last couple of weeks she had mentioned having DD overnight and I was curious why she all of a sudden wanted that. Yesterday I found out that this guy she's dating wants a woman with "family values" ....




I'm sorry, but this is a HUGE red flag here. You need to protect your toddler GIRL against this. This man could be a predator. And having her spend the night with grandma while this man was there??!? icon_eek.gif

Quote:
Originally Posted by kimmypooh79

She's not a total butthead, she's extremely giving and gifts all the time but I think she does that out of guilt. I'd like to think that she just wanted DD's company but it's hard to give her the benefit of the doubt.....




This woman IS a total butthead. It's all about "HER", can't you see? She only sees/gives/buys because SHE wants the attention. If DD was crabby, then it takes away from HER ability to have all of granddaughter's attention on HER. All of a sudden, Grandma has to give attention to someone else...thus not receiving it!

But like I said before, something is not quite right with a MAN who wants a woman with family values and then a 3 y/o is left unsupervised (I mean w/out a Parent there)! Predators will "groom" whoever they can in order to closer to a child.

It is quite obvious to me that Grandma wants to please this MAN and therefore is using a precious innocent little girl. It also seems to appear Grandma will sacrifice whoever she can in order to please him.

I seriously hope you DO NOT encourage this relationship with your daughter. This just sounds very dangerous to me. Protect your baby!

I too, get very passionate about this type of behavior. Especially when a little child is involved. And maybe I'm off base here, but I picked up on that just ready your first post. Also, sometimes when grown sons/daughters are too close to it, they don't really see it until it is too late.

icon_smile.gif[/i]

TheDomesticDiva Posted 4 Dec 2008 , 3:08am
post #30 of 36

I was just thinking the SAME thing GI just said---I'd have your daughter FAR, FAR AWAY from any grown man who insists on having a woman with "family values", as in, wants little girls around. That's right up there with "package deal." ....HUGE,l mean HUGE red flags went up for me when I read that. And as far as your mother-in-law....I'd just have to let your mother-in-law's feelings be hurt if she had anything to say otherwise. She lives 3 houses down--no reason she cant come visit your daughter there, with you there. If she had the nerve to say what she said to YOU, a grown woman--imagine what she's saying to a defenseless child who can't defend herself.

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