Looking For Self Help Books Concerning Il's

Lounge By sweettoothmom Updated 19 Oct 2008 , 1:44pm by shelbur10

sweettoothmom Posted 16 Oct 2008 , 6:53pm
post #1 of 8

Ok my new bud's. I need to find a new way to deal with my IL's.

We refuse to allow them to destroy our marriage and my hubby is not in deniall about his parents and siblings behavior. I fear the constant barrage of insults and back stabbing and whispering behind our backs, etc.... and the toll that takes on us individually and then as a couple could fracture our marital rock.

So I am coming to you all to look for a way to deal without upsetting myself and my hubby further.

Can anyone suggest any great self help type books that might yield us some good advice on how to deal with these unreasonable and sometimes evil people?

We have tried to avoid them altogether and that only strikes up even more talk amongst the other extended family members because we are then being mean to the IL's. I know WTF?? We just cant win with these people. We dont want our kids learning these characteristics. It is not acceptable behavior from anyone, let alone an adult.

Please make a suggestion. We need your input.

7 replies
Mike1394 Posted 16 Oct 2008 , 7:48pm
post #2 of 8

So what, who cares what the extended family has to say. If they really want to know tell them, or tell them to mind thier own business.

Mike

PS, I'm always amused at posts like this. If you were treated this way by a stranger what would you do? Just because they are relatives doesn't give them the right to act this way? So why act any different than you would to a stranger?

Deb_ Posted 16 Oct 2008 , 9:37pm
post #3 of 8

sweettoothmom, I feel your pain. The only thing that has helped our situation with my IL's is that they moved 350 miles away from us. We only have to see them a few times a year.

Any chance you could move? Just kidding. I think we've spoken recently about your IL's. Weren't you going to make a witch cake with the likeness of your MIL and SIL's? I'm pretty sure that was you right? If so did you make the cake? icon_razz.gif

Seriously though, I have to agree with Mike. You are married to your husband, not his entire family. He probably wants to have some sort of relationship with them, right? So let him visit them when you are otherwise detained.

I find the less I deal with my IL's the better off I am. My MIL is just very jealous of me and my relationship with my husband. I started dating my husband when I was 16 and I'm 40 something now icon_wink.gif So we've been together a long time. I really don't think she gets it that we're in this marriage for the long haul, til death do us part.

I realized a long time ago that the only person I need to make happy from his family is him, the hell with the rest of them.

cookingfor5 Posted 16 Oct 2008 , 9:59pm
post #4 of 8

I can understand and today is another one of those days I feel for you, as I just had a visit from mine. It is a good thing that you and your DH agree about it, but it is still hard for some of us to handle the pressure of the constant criticism and backstabbing. I think the best thing to do is to fill your life full of what you love and what your family loves. Make time with them as minimal as possible. I am not a kill them with kindness person, but hope that is something you can do.

Though a part of me believes you shouldn't take that from family, I know better. Being part of a family like that can be like being back in High School. When everyone gangs up on you, you can't stop them. You can join them, which means you may have to behave in a way you don't want to.

I hope you find something that helps.

fidos_mom Posted 16 Oct 2008 , 10:07pm
post #5 of 8

Read Melody Beattie's books Beyond Codependency and Codependent No More. Those two books helped me really put other people's actions in perspective and when I REALLY started reading my Bible I was able to put it all together. I realized that I don't have to let other people dictate how I live or love. All of my life is MY responsiblity. All of my actions and reactions are MY responsibility.

I no longer let other people's mess rub off on me. If I choose to feel guilt, pain or shame than it is MY choice based on the knowledge that I have truly done something or had something done to me that justifies those feelings.

Add this to Laura Schlessinger's saying - Annoying can be tolerated. Evil can not. There is no guilt in distancing you and/or your family from evil. <steps down off soap box>

Good luck with this mine field!! It takes many years and many prayers to navigate. And then there are still close calls sometimes. But it is worth the journey.

Have some cake. That will help.... icon_wink.gif

Pookie59 Posted 17 Oct 2008 , 4:10pm
post #6 of 8

In-laws on both sides made my initial marrige to my husband intolerable. We had other problems as well, but the constant interference made us both unhappy. I really, really wanted to move away and wish we had because it might have saved our first marriage. Specifically I could not tolerate my MIL. She was demanding, controlling and loved to hurl insults at me with a smile on her face. To be honest, I'm not sure my mother behaved much better. My husband and I were too young to handle all the pressure that was thrown our way; between inlaws, children and financial troubles we were both overwhelmed and called it quits after 7 years. So I raised our sons alone as a single mother with very limited contact with the inlaws (who were no help at all) and not much contact with my ex.

Incidentally, my MIL ended up committing suicide. A mental illness (she'd probably had it for a long time) was diagnosed some years after the divorce and one day she put a pistol to her head.

My ex and I eventually remarried (18 years after the divorce). Family on both sides were very upset and tried to talk us both out of it. Even two of our sons did not speak to me for months - the oldest (who is nearly 30) has severed all contact. Although after 5 years most of the family has come to terms with our marriage (incidentally we live hours away from almost all family and that sure helps!), my current attitude is that anyone that has a problem with my personal life can to go H-E-L-L.

sweettoothmom Posted 18 Oct 2008 , 7:38pm
post #7 of 8
Quote:
Originally Posted by Pookie59

In-laws on both sides made my initial marrige to my husband intolerable. We had other problems as well, but the constant interference made us both unhappy. I really, really wanted to move away and wish we had because it might have saved our first marriage. Specifically I could not tolerate my MIL. She was demanding, controlling and loved to hurl insults at me with a smile on her face. To be honest, I'm not sure my mother behaved much better. My husband and I were too young to handle all the pressure that was thrown our way; between inlaws, children and financial troubles we were both overwhelmed and called it quits after 7 years. So I raised our sons alone as a single mother with very limited contact with the inlaws (who were no help at all) and not much contact with my ex.

Incidentally, my MIL ended up committing suicide. A mental illness (she'd probably had it for a long time) was diagnosed some years after the divorce and one day she put a pistol to her head.

My ex and I eventually remarried (18 years after the divorce). Family on both sides were very upset and tried to talk us both out of it. Even two of our sons did not speak to me for months - the oldest (who is nearly 30) has severed all contact. Although after 5 years most of the family has come to terms with our marriage (incidentally we live hours away from almost all family and that sure helps!), my current attitude is that anyone that has a problem with my personal life can to go H-E-L-L.




I know I should just tell them off I really, really do and the only thing holding me back is tha fact that I respect them as being my husbands
parents. There is suppossed to be respect there. I know that. I also know that I deserve to be treated respectfully in kind. I dont want ot be the one who lowers herself to that level. So it is less about what they think and more about what I think of myself and how it all effects my husband and children.

My family while dysfunctional (normal is a mythical way of thinking) is more stable and everyone treats everyone with respect to a point. There are "tiff's" and arguments but we always forgive and forget because we are family. The IL's do not. I can see the difference in lifestyles and I prefer our kids have the more emotionally, & mentally stable version as an example. My family lives far too far away for my children to see that and all we have are the IL's.

I appreciate the book suggestions I think you might be on the money there with the Codependency issues.
It is my with great delight to know my children will be independent and not NEED me for the rest of thier lives. I feel I did my job because the will be independent responsible adults.

I have tried for years to get my husband to move away but he just cant bring himself to take that leap. He has always lived in this town. He was taught to fear anything outside its borders. I actually got him to make a decision to move this past summer and we even put in an offer on a house. We didnt not get the house. If we had we would have been far enough away from the IL's that it would be heavenly. I had day dreams of moving and not giving them our address or phone number. Totally cutting off ties but I now realize that isnt going to happen. I read in a book years ago that a newlywed couple should live a minimum of 500 miles from either set of parents and limit contact for the first 5 years to establish a concrete relationship within the couple. I thought wow that is a little extreme. Now in hindsight that seems to make so much sense. I would be packed and ready to move y the end of the week if I could talk my hubby into it.

Yes we spoke of the "witchlette cake" with the 2 blondes, 1 red head and the mother witch a brunette. With big butts and little boobs and one blonde with a huge unibrow. I chose to just not attend the little get together they are throwing. I called and told them I would not be attending and would not be available to make the cake. They have plenty of notice since they will just go to a local discount store and buy a store made (CA CA) cake. They acted as if they were really dissapointed that we would not be attending. No doubt in my mind that it was all for show.

shelbur10 Posted 19 Oct 2008 , 1:44pm
post #8 of 8

You don't have to move away to cut off contact, and you don't need to be ugly to them (as much as they deserve it). I respect your desire to treat them with respect, but I believe that everyone has to earn respect, and you can't earn it behaving like they do.
However, couldn't you simply avoid them? If they have an event, don't go. If you have an event, don't invite them. If people talk about you behind your back, who cares? They don't know what's inside your life. If people say something to your face, tell them that there are parts of the situation that they don't understand and you are not obligated to explain yourself.
A good book, just in general, is "Living Successfully with Screwed up People" by Elizabeth B. Brown.

Quote by @%username% on %date%

%body%