Getting A Divorce And Now Pregnant!!!!

Lounge By Amia Updated 17 Oct 2008 , 8:11am by dragonflydreams

Amia Posted 5 Oct 2008 , 7:21pm
post #1 of 27

So DH and I separated like maybe 2 weeks ago. As soon as I have the money I will be filing for divorce. I am still in school, took off last semester and this semester since I gave birth to my DS in January, but I will be going back this spring. Lately, I've been having headaches and dizziness and then my period was late. I tested today and sure enough, I'm pregnant. Probably 4 weeks along. I already have 2 children, ages 2 and 8 months. I'm really worried and upset. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy too, but this is so not the time and I don't have the means to support another child. I can barely afford the two I have already. I just don't know what to do. icon_cry.gif

26 replies
-K8memphis Posted 5 Oct 2008 , 7:50pm
post #2 of 27

Wow, I don't know what to say other than, You're gonna make it. It's gonna be ok. It's obviously not gonna be easy--nothing worthwhile is easy. Take it one step at a time. Hope you can stay in school. Be the best Mom you can be.

Love & Prayers,
Kate

(((((giant hug)))))

Kiddiekakes Posted 5 Oct 2008 , 8:39pm
post #3 of 27

Wow....That is tough..Does your soon to be ex know?What does he think? anyway...You can do this..God doesn't give you more than you can handle...

Amia Posted 5 Oct 2008 , 9:05pm
post #4 of 27

Yes, DH knows. I called him in a panic when the test came out positive. He thinks we shouldn't keep it because we're not in a financially, or emotionally, stable situation. I agree, to an extent, but I just don't think I could live with that decision. I've been praying all day, and will continue to pray, that God shows me the right path. As my sig line says: I know God won't give me more than I can handle, but I wish he didn't trust me so much. He must trust me a LOT, if he thinks I can handle 3 babies, school, and being a single mom.

Honeydukes Posted 5 Oct 2008 , 9:31pm
post #5 of 27

I'm so sorry you're having such a rough time. Are there any family members near by you can lean on?

You'll make it. Sending love, good thoughts and prayers your way!!!!

Karema Posted 5 Oct 2008 , 9:38pm
post #6 of 27

Oh my. I know that about you situation because I'm the one that had the topic about Divorce. The only solution? I feel for you because I know we have both been going through alot lately. Have you thought about adoption? If that is even an option? I dont know what I would do. Just keep praying and God will show you what to do.

karema

Amia Posted 5 Oct 2008 , 9:53pm
post #7 of 27

My whole family lives like 10 minutes from me, but they're a bit judgmental so I haven't, and won't, tell them about this until I know exactly what I'm going to do.

Adoption is just not an option. I could say I would do it, but I know that would be a lie. As soon as I saw the baby, it would be mine. I couldn't carry the baby for 9 months and give it up.

My other concern is that I just had a baby 8 months ago! My OB was not too happy when I got pregnant with my 2nd, only a year after having my first, since it's so draining on the body.

shanzah67 Posted 5 Oct 2008 , 10:22pm
post #8 of 27

icon_eek.gif Hang in there! I know that is alot to take in, emotions of going through a divorce and 2 little ones, current pregnancy.....I feel for ya sister! I'll keep you in my prayers. Yes, God really does trust you, doesn't he!

mkolmar Posted 7 Oct 2008 , 4:12am
post #9 of 27

I had 4 kids in exactly 5 years. Your body can handle it even though it may not be ideal timing (of course you may have some body issues that will make it more problematic that we don't know about.)
My last one was a total shock. I got pregnant on birth control pills that I was taking properly. My DH and I were fighting, his dad then was diagnosed with cancer and another mouth to feed did not excite me. I became depressed. Abortion to me was not an option (my personal beliefs) but I have to admit I did think about it. After delivery I had SEVERE post partum (sp?) depression. I hated the fact that I was even alive and the world was falling all around me. I didn't want to even get out of bed or do anything a mother should do. I would here the baby cry and think "Dear Lord, why did you give me another one." (remember--I was clinically depressed at this point.) Something changed one day though...I looked at my baby who was now a few months old and he was screaming his head off (UGG, not again). I picked him up and he smiled and stopped crying. He loved me no matter what happened. I could handle it because I was given a blessing at to me God doesn't make mistakes. My son is 3 years old now and is the total joy of my life. As much as I didn't want to be pregnant with him and it took me a while to become happy about it....my life is now complete. He's in speech therapy and told me last week "I lobe do mommy." I'm so happy to be his mother.
I got the assistance necessary to help out with my kids. There are doors open that I took advantage of because I qualified. Each state has help in place, even though it can be difficult to get the proper information about them.

Whatever your decision I wish you the best. Feel free to pm me if you want.

VannaD Posted 7 Oct 2008 , 5:15pm
post #10 of 27

mkolmar, your post made me tear up, im glad your baby can now tell you he "lobe's do". Amia, good luck with your decision, i know getting advice helps but in the end you're the only one who know whats good for you. Good Luck, and I am thinking of you

juleskaye518 Posted 8 Oct 2008 , 4:25pm
post #11 of 27

mkolmar, Thank you for your post. My little guy came into this world then went straight to the NICU. I thought I would go crazy...what am I supposed to do with a sick baby. That sick one will turn 4 this Saturday and told me just this morning that he "lovths" me!
Amia, stick in there. Does the divorce need to happen right now? I woulda thunk, that if sex is still in the relationship, as it obviously was, there might be a little feelings left. (Sorry if this seems too intimate.)

Magnum Posted 8 Oct 2008 , 8:08pm
post #12 of 27

mkolmar, wow i teared up too icon_cry.gif

(OP) I'm not a mom so i feel i can't give an opinion on what you should do as a mother. I will say though, my mom raised my brother and i alone. It was really tough, she worked 3 jobs and went to college (she was even allowed to take us into her classes when we had school holidays).
My mom tells us about what she had to go through to make ends meet and it was very very tough but the relationship my brother and i have with our mom is solid. She's my best friend and the centre of my world. I apprieciate and love her more then anything.

Take advantage of any support you have around you. Be strong for your children but most of all yourself icon_smile.gif

Karema Posted 8 Oct 2008 , 9:14pm
post #13 of 27

I know this may not be what you want to hear but sometimes we get ourselves into little messes. I can kind of agree with Juleskaye518 you did the do now you got a little problem that will grow into a big problem. My advice would be to anyone that knows they want a divorce you should use protection because you are just adding to they confusion. I hope I dont come accross wrong. I totally sympatize with you but you obviously still feel a little something is there anyway you two can go to counseling. I would never end a marraige so easily. Try counceling for a year then if it doesnt work you can walk away saying at least you tried. Maybe the problems that you are having in your marriage are problems that you two had before you got married. I think you said in a different post that you two dated for a long time and then you got married. That means that you knew how he was before you married him. Did you think he would change? You are stronger than you think and if you still want a divorce you can do it. You are strong and everything will work itself out. Leave it in God's hands.

mocakes Posted 9 Oct 2008 , 12:44am
post #14 of 27

Yes...your plate is a bit full right now icon_wink.gif but my all time favorite quote is:

"The will of God will not lead you, where the Grace of God will not protect you".

It has gotten me through some challenging times. I wish you and your family all the best.

Cakepro Posted 9 Oct 2008 , 3:59am
post #15 of 27

You know ~ perhaps you've been blessed with the new baby BECAUSE God wants you to stick it out and not end up with a broken family. Marriage is hard work!! If your oldest child is only 2, I'm guessing you've been married for under 5 years. Marriages go through stages: bliss (that crazy, incredible, head-over-heels in love stage), realization (you now see those character flaws that you didn't see while in bliss), disappointment (this is when most marriages fail because people bail out), and then finally true, deep, unconditional love. Please, you owe it to yourself, your spouse, your vow before God to marriage, and of course your little people to seek counseling - marriage AND spiritual - to get you through this time. I will be praying for all of you.

Amia Posted 9 Oct 2008 , 4:36am
post #16 of 27

Well first of all, we did use protection. Secondly, we slept together before we decided to get divorced, about 2 weeks before and that was the last time we did so (I'm about 5 weeks along based on my last period). And yes, I am allowed to delude myself into believing he would change, that's what love does to you. Would I be the first to think the person they love could change? Especially when he was someone so different when we met and I still get that person every once in awhile?

I'm not going to keep trying to save a relationship he has no interest in though. He doesn't want to try. He doesn't want to go to counseling. His whole reason for not wanting to live with me is that we fight too much. I'm not going to try to salvage a marriage that isn't a marriage. He doesn't see it as such, and I'm wearing myself out trying to fix it. It takes two to fix, and maintain, a marriage. Btw, I never said I didn't feel anything. I love my DH, but sometimes you have to know when to walk away. I don't want to have a broken family, but more, I don't want to have an unhappy family. icon_sad.gif

Karema Posted 9 Oct 2008 , 5:50am
post #17 of 27

Amia I do apologize if I came across hard. Sometimes I have the habit of being too honest and I put my foot in my mouth. I'm going through something almost like this and it's hard. I have two children 4 and 2 years old. I'm beginning to have baby fever but I'm scared to death to have another right now. My husband and I use to argue all the time until I just kind of accepted his faults and realized I wasnt perfect either. If he is not willing to try that is hard and I hope that this seperation willl wake him up and he will realize what he is about to lose. Good luck and remember you can make it through this and it will get harder before it gets better. But it may get better.

Amia Posted 9 Oct 2008 , 3:20pm
post #18 of 27

I wasn't upset or anything Karema. I was just trying to clear it up about the pregnancy thing and let everyone know I'm not just giving up. I've been trying for 3 years now. I know you're going through a rough time too, so I hope I didn't sound harsh. I kinda hope that the separation and impending divorce makes him realize what he's going to lose too. On the other hand, I wonder why it had to even get to this point. I've actually set up several appointments for counseling, and he comes up with last minute excuses why he can't go. I try to ignore his little antagonizations but he'll continue to do it until he gets a rise out of me. At this point I just think there is someone else out there who will treat me right without me having to force them. To be honest, I'm much happier now. I don't have to deal with all that stress from him and it's allowed me to be happier and pull myself out of my depression.

Karema Posted 9 Oct 2008 , 11:23pm
post #19 of 27

I honestly believe that sometimes divorce may be necessary. If the person is abusive, cant provide or is cheating. If he is treating you that bad and you are that unhappy then that may be best. I know my husband and I argue but its not that bad. We only fight about finances and him helping around the house. Other than that he is the perfect husband. He does treat me very well and will give me anything that I want and he is very affectinate. I know I complain a lot but I'm also grateful for what I have. I love that man I just wish he would clean up a little and get a job that pays. LOL. I'm glad that you are not angry with me though because I felt horrible. I will be praying for you.

Karema

juleskaye518 Posted 10 Oct 2008 , 1:25pm
post #20 of 27

Good Morning, I too wish you well. Just wanted to drop by again and say that you, in your heart, know what is right. We here are all wishing you the best. (Whatever thay may be, and only you know.)

dinas27 Posted 10 Oct 2008 , 2:11pm
post #21 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by amia1024

At this point I just think there is someone else out there who will treat me right without me having to force them. To be honest, I'm much happier now. I don't have to deal with all that stress from him and it's allowed me to be happier and pull myself out of my depression.




I really think this says it all. You know what is best for you. Your life will be/is already much brighter. You are removing a load of stress from your life, and will be a better mom to your two children without that worry and depression. Transfer all the negative energy from your husband into positive energy for your baby. You will come out ahead. Lean on your friends and family and us here too. You might have a few rain clouds now and then but that bright blue sky ahead of you makes it all worth it

BREN28 Posted 10 Oct 2008 , 3:04pm
post #22 of 27

im so sorry for what your going through,but i do agree that only YOU will know what best for you concerning your impending divorce. im sure finding out that you were pregnant at this time felt like someone put a load of bricks on your back! of course its going to be hard,but its amazing how strong we become as mothers when it comes to taking care of and protecting our babies. im sure you will make the right decision for yourself concerning your pregnancy also! if you decide to keep it,there are so many programs out there to help single mothers,please look into everything possible. some programs may help you will child care,or pay for you to go to school,and some to help with food. i wish you all the luck in the world to help with your difficult decisions,and my prayers are with you!

SliceTheCake Posted 12 Oct 2008 , 3:36am
post #23 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by dinas27

Quote:
Originally Posted by amia1024

At this point I just think there is someone else out there who will treat me right without me having to force them. To be honest, I'm much happier now. I don't have to deal with all that stress from him and it's allowed me to be happier and pull myself out of my depression.



I really think this says it all. You know what is best for you. Your life will be/is already much brighter. You are removing a load of stress from your life, and will be a better mom to your two children without that worry and depression. Transfer all the negative energy from your husband into positive energy for your baby. You will come out ahead. Lean on your friends and family and us here too. You might have a few rain clouds now and then but that bright blue sky ahead of you makes it all worth it




wholeheartedly agreed! trust yourself...you won't let yourself (or your kids) down.

melodyscakes Posted 13 Oct 2008 , 5:46am
post #24 of 27

I feel so bad for you. I am almost in tears!
I was in a situation years ago. not the same as yours exactly, but it was stressful non the lease. I was recently divourced, 19 years old, had a toddler, no education because I dropped out of high school to get married. meet the prince charming of my dreams (yeah right) moved to another state to live with him happily ever after. he decided that he wanted his ex girlfriend instead, good by, so long, get lost...I realized that I was pregnant the next week.
I was depressed...two men in a row discarded me. I was now homeless. moved back home with parents. very depressed. didn't even get out of bed most days. I didn't want the child. I hated the situation that I was in. I was very depressed and that clouded my thoughts too, of course.
I finally had the baby, and fell in love with him the moment I saw him (not a moment before)
I wont lie to you, it was not easy to be that young, uneducated, poor, and single mother of two.
I thought my life was over.
I started school, was very poor, very stressed and guess what? I made it. I got my GED, went to vo-tech school, then went to college and got my assoc. degree.
it was not easy. a few times while pregnant I remember just wanting to walk in front of a train and getting my dreaded life over with. the one thing that always helped me get though the ugly times was a simple thought "it won't always be like this"
now, fast forward. I have a beautiful, wonderful son who brings me so much joy. ok I'll stop there, he is 15 1/2 so I'd like to smack him in the head most of the time.....haha but really I can't imagine my life with out him. my life did finally change. I have been married now for almost 10 years,to a wonderful man who adores me and works his tail off to support his family, have a total of 4 wonderful, beautiful children, and own my own bakery.
who would have thought?
my point being, look ahead. it will be hard. it will be stressful. you will be poor for awhile. but honey, that is all just temperary. I promise. your baby will come, you'll adjust to three young children, and you'll love your baby beyond belief and one day you'll look back and say, "wow, that was a very rough time in my life, then you'll give each of your children an extra kiss."

please think about this baby long and hard before you make any decisions. some decisions can't be taken back later.

I promise to pray for you often, pray that the Lord will give you the strength you need.

I wish I could reach out and give you a huge hug right now.


melody

shanzah67 Posted 13 Oct 2008 , 5:27pm
post #25 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by juleskaye518

Good Morning, I too wish you well. Just wanted to drop by again and say that you, in your heart, know what is right. We here are all wishing you the best. (Whatever thay may be, and only you know.)





Same here amia1024...as juleskaye518 said, you know in your heart what is right and we just wish you the best--for you and your children. Keep us posted and let us know how you and your little ones are doing. icon_smile.gif

LaSombra Posted 16 Oct 2008 , 12:03pm
post #26 of 27

WOW! I am going through the same EXACT thing right now!

I decided just a couple weeks ago to finally call it quits. For five years, I've tried so hard to be happy, pretend he would be different but he always treated me like dirt. He cheated on me. This, I know for a fact, he drunk irresponsibly, got a DUI once, drove home drunk, I don't know how many times...This summer, he wrecked his brand new car...while drunk. Thank God nobody was hurt...

And he's always been a selfish lover. A quickie was all he ever wanted. I didn't get mine ever, if you know what I mean. The thing that brought it all to a boil, though, was when he found my vibrator and got mad. I said, "well, if you did what I needed, maybe I wouldn't need one!" Yeah, it was crude but after the names he called me...

Anyway, he was going to divorce ME over the vibrator and I was stupid and got drunk that night (my parents live with us so I trusted they'd care for the kids). I wasn't expecting him to come home. He came home...drunk himself. He poured beer on my computer's keyboard when I tried ignoring him...then I got mad and stood up to yell. That's when he hit me. He slapped me hard. I couldn't believe it!

Then we had a huge fight of words...when I went to bed, he came in and took advantage of me in my drunken state...no protection either.

Now, I just found out I'm pregnant. It doesn't change my decision. I cannot go back to him after he hit me. Sure, we'd been together for 10 years before he ever laid a hand on me but I need to teach my boys not to behave like that. I have three boys, 8, 5 and 3. Now, I have another one on the way...

I have an appointment with Planned Parenthood in a couple weeks just for a checkup and to make sure he didn't give me any STDs so I'll have them give me a real pregnancy test also. NO, I will NOT have an abortion. I believe in pro choice but my choice does not include abortion.

So anyway, if you want to NB me, I'm here. Maybe we can share stories more.

dragonflydreams Posted 17 Oct 2008 , 8:11am
post #27 of 27

. . . more hugs and prayers for both of you amia1024 & LaSombra . . . stay strong . . . be happy . . . things will get better . . .

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