Frustrated With Dh

Lounge By iceit4me Updated 14 Oct 2008 , 10:11am by Mike1394

iceit4me Posted 3 Oct 2008 , 1:49pm
post #1 of 15

I am frustrated because my husband doesn't do anything but work. Seriously!!! He owns his own bussiness and is working on building/finishing our house. I know sounds like I am whinning. You would understand if you were in my shoes. I get a total 30 minutes to 5 minites with him a day if lucky. I feel like a single mom. My youngest is almost 10. He doesn't talk to me , I have to praticaly beg him to talk and when he does he doesn't take what I have to say seriously. He literally laughs in my face. That hurts. When it comes to romance, there is none. In the bed room it is always all about him. And that is quick and the point if you know what I mean. He knows how frustrated I am but does't do anything about it. I am mad, angry, and depressed. I don't know what to do. I need advice and someone to talk to. Can anyone help me?

14 replies
mkolmar Posted 3 Oct 2008 , 2:34pm
post #2 of 15

It never gets really easier. My DH has owned his own business for 5 years. As far as not having anytime, it's the nature of the business. My DH works non-stop. He has actually worked 38 hours straight with no sleeping or eating before.
I always figure it may be hard because we don't see him as much as we would like but I'm blessed because he has a job and is a good provider.
We have 4 kids (8,6,5 and 3) it's hard on them but we are coming up with better ideas for daddy and kid time. Since he now has someone to do billing for him that has taken some pressure off of him and he gets to spend some more time at home now. Not much time, but better than what it was.
I guess I'm lucky because my DH and I are still after each other like newlyweds after 11 1/2 years of being married.
Have you had a serious talk with him about how you feel? Do you think he completely understands where you are coming from? (sometimes I have to practically spell things out on a chalk board for DH.)

If you ever need to talk or vent feel free to pm me. My DH and I have been through lots of ups and downs since he started his business, money wise and emotionally.

michood Posted 3 Oct 2008 , 3:19pm
post #3 of 15

That's tough, really tough. He probably feels completely torn. He wants to provide for you guys, so he works and works and works, and probably feels like if he cuts back, even just a little, everything will come crashing down. I agree, try having a serious heart to heart with no interruptions. Tell him you support him 100%, and that you really appreciate how hard he works. But also tell him you feel neglected, and you feel like you never get to spend quality time with him. I think it's important for spouses to know how much we appreciate how hard they work, especially if we get to be stay at home moms and do what we want from the home. Men, especially, need to know that we support them.

When DH was working nights, the only time we had together was when he was getting home from work and I was getting ready for work. We had totally different schedules and it was awful until I made the decision that it isn't about how MUCH time you spend with him, it's what you make of your time with him. Be supportive of him, but also be firm with what you want. Hopefully you guys can work out a set time each day to spend time with each other, and tell him openly about your feelings in the bedroom. Most guys don't know what we want or need until we literally spell it out for them, my guess is that your husband is just overworked and clueless(like most men).

I hope you get what you're looking for! I admire you for admitting you're going through a tough time, but willing to put the work in to make your marriage happy again instead of instantly throwing in the towel.

michellenj Posted 4 Oct 2008 , 1:11am
post #4 of 15

My dh owns his own business and I know exactly how you feel. He commutes almost 2 hours each way every day, and I swear that we haven't had a meal in years that he hasn't had to take a call on his cell.

I absolutely feel like a single mom. I love my kids don't get me wrong but they are 3 and 5 and it is really hard sometimes. I get burned out emotionally and kind of snap and just have to disappear for an entire day.

It will get better eventually. We kind of go in cycles. Just when I think I'm packing up and moving back to GA it gets better.

Hang in there, it will get better!

kakeladi Posted 4 Oct 2008 , 11:21pm
post #5 of 15

Have you tried treating him totally like a king?
I don;'t mean wait on him hand and foot but do whatever you can to please him....make his favorite foods etc. Be super niceicon_smile.gif

Karema Posted 4 Oct 2008 , 11:54pm
post #6 of 15

At least he brings home money! (referring to my post Divorce. the only solution?) I understand totally how you feel. Maybe you can sit down and talk with him without getting emotional. Start off small like about what is going on in the bedroom. Force him to slow down. Wear lingerie, run a bath for him give him a massage then tell him he better take care of business the right way! icon_redface.gif I understand and I hope it gets better.

Karema

Dale Posted 5 Oct 2008 , 12:54am
post #7 of 15

I dont get it...treat him like a king? Give him a massage? That only encourages him to keep slacking. If I spent all of my time neglecting things like that, my ass would be kicked to the curb. No matter how busy you are, you always take time to make your woman feel like YOUR woman...she should be made to feel SPECIAL. It doesnt take gifts and money, it only takes time and being considerate. Otherwise, she may feel like being somebody else's woman.

Amia Posted 5 Oct 2008 , 4:40am
post #8 of 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dale

I dont get it...treat him like a king? Give him a massage? That only encourages him to keep slacking. If I spent all of my time neglecting things like that, my ass would be kicked to the curb. No matter how busy you are, you always take time to make your woman feel like YOUR woman...she should be made to feel SPECIAL. It doesnt take gifts and money, it only takes time and being considerate. Otherwise, she may feel like being somebody else's woman.




You're a very smart man, Dale. Too bad you can't beat some sense into my DH.

Treat him like a king? HAH! I would suggest just talking to him. Be as blunt, and specific, as possible, men are dumb. icon_biggrin.gif When he laughs in your face, slap him. That'll stop it. KIDDING! icon_evil.gif But seriously, that shows a complete lack of respect and you need to tell him so and that it hurts when he does that. You may need to take the lead in the bedroom if you want things to change. At any rate, when he starts treating you like his queen again, then you can treat him like a king. He's probably just stressed and overworked and doesn't even realize what he's doing, or not doing.

dragonflydreams Posted 5 Oct 2008 , 5:18am
post #9 of 15
Quote:
Originally Posted by Dale

I dont get it...treat him like a king? Give him a massage? That only encourages him to keep slacking. If I spent all of my time neglecting things like that, my ass would be kicked to the curb. No matter how busy you are, you always take time to make your woman feel like YOUR woman...she should be made to feel SPECIAL. It doesnt take gifts and money, it only takes time and being considerate. Otherwise, she may feel like being somebody else's woman.




. . . so refreshing to have a man's point of view . . . welcome back Dale . . . where have you been?? . . . and speaking of men from this site, I wonder where Doug is lately . . . icon_confused.gif

Personally . . . I think you need to let your man know what your needs are (without getting emotional - that pretty much never works) . . . but it should be a two way street . . . try to find out what he needs too . . . could be he doesn't "need" to work as much as he does . . . it could be an excuse not to be around (an escape . . . some men drink - some men womanize - some men work) . . . so I guess communication would be the key here . . . and making it clear what you are and are not willing to live like . . . but be prepared to follow through (no idle threats - mean what you say - and say what you mean . . . he's not a mind reader) . . .

If you know he really "needs" to work as much as he does . . . you truly do need to be supportive . . . and seek solutions to help improve his quality of life (work/life balance is important for all of you) . . . maybe he can hire someone to help take some of the pressure off (a part time helper?). . . maybe there is something you can do part time to make his business less time consuming (his invoicing perhaps??) . . . maybe you can pick up a hammer and work along side of him on your house (that would be spending time together - maybe not what you want to to - but maybe when you make suggestions to do something you do want to do he will be more inclined to want to hang out with you if you have shown some interest in spending time doing what he is interested in) . . .

have you made suggestions of spending time together that you know he will enjoy . . . like maybe just a walk in the park (with your son too - 'cause he is also missing out on the "Kodak moments" with his dad - and it won't be too many more years that your son will even want to hang with his parents!! AND even if you can't get DH to go I hope you are not too depressed that you aren't spending time with your son . . . remember kids learn what they live . . . )

It really doesn't have to cost money (like Dale said) . . . but it certainly does take time and commitment . . .

Curtsmin24 Posted 5 Oct 2008 , 9:24am
post #10 of 15

I can't say I know your whole situation but dragonflydreams hit the nail on the head. Try helping him around the house. I tend to do that with my hubby. We are both also on different schedules and during our time off we are doing busy work and it makes it extremely difficult sometimes to fit in some baum-chick-a-baum-whaum time but we manage.

Talking will definitlely help and if he is working really hard then when he gets home (no kids around) put on something nice and do a little dance and get your icon_eek.gif on. More than likely he is really stressed and has a lot of things on his mind.

My dh told me that a lot of times it's not intentional to neglect a spouse but the worry of making sure the spouse has everything that they want financially and wanting to be the one supporting the family. I told him that there is no point in making all the money if you have no one to share it with. He got the idea fairly quickly but it was just a matter of sitting down and talking about it.

Just sit him down and nicely talk about it. Some people get defensive when they feel like it is an added on pressure so try to ask him what's on his mind first and let him tell you. More than likely you'll get a one word answer so just ask how was work and try to seem interested (even if your not) and seeing that your listening he might open up to you and vent like we all need to do sometimes. With so much work he probably feels a lot of pressure and he more than likely has no one to share that with. I would rather my hubby share with me than find someone else to share with (unless he needs guy time). It helps us bond a little more. Good Luck! icon_smile.gif

indydebi Posted 5 Oct 2008 , 12:39pm
post #11 of 15

This is interesting ..... it brings to mind all the threads of CC'ers trying to run/start a caking business and how hubby doesn't understand how much time and work it takes to get/keep a business running. icon_rolleyes.gif

I'd say scan some of those threads. The same advice given to the CC'er trying to run a business should apply to a hubby who is trying to run a business.

Life is a balancing act .... and all of us have lots of things to balance.

My hubby and I kick our youngest (who is now 16) to her big sister's house once in awhile so we can have what we call some 'mommy-daddy' time. On those rare weekends that I don't have a wedding, one of us is on the phone to arrange her overnight visit!

Like someone else mentioned above, we're pretty lucky ... just passed our 20th anniversary and we still make dates with each other! He's my favorite playmate (when he's not pi$$ing me off, of course!) icon_biggrin.gif

iceit4me Posted 12 Oct 2008 , 10:35pm
post #12 of 15

Thank you to everyone who read my post and showed an interest in helping me. I have tried to talk to husband about things, but I don/t get anywhere with that. I am the secretary to his plumbing bussiness so I am helping him on a daily basis. At home I take care of our son. I am his BF. My son and I do alot of things together. My DH isn't around much because he is working 8-9 hour days. "Thank God" he has a good job. I tell him that I do very much appriciate all that he does and provides for our family. But when it comes to personal issues is where the problem is. I just feel so lonely. Weekends he works on the house and often works on Saturdays in the bussiness. I talkeed to him about this and he said that right now he is just too busy to take the time to spend on me. That really hurt. I am not asking for a weekend with him. Although that would be great. I am just asking for an hour or two. I do love him and I tell him that alot. He says that to me too. I don't know what to do.

SugarFrosted Posted 12 Oct 2008 , 11:38pm
post #13 of 15

I worked as an ER nurse for 10 years and then I gave chemotherapy in a cancer clinic for 3 years.

During those years, I saw a lot of people die, or go thru the process of dying. Never, not even once, did I ever hear a patient say "I wish I'd spent more time at work." Whenever the subject came up, more often than not with male patients, they would say "I neglected my family when my children were young. My wife was almost a single parent because I was consumed with work and "achieving" the American Dream. I made a lot of money, I was successful. But my wife divorced me and my children won't have anything to do with me now. I don't want to die alone." They often had no visitors. Women patients almost always had a ton of family and visitors. Go figure.

And then there were the ones who tried to make up for the neglect by going on trips, if they were physically able, and buying gifts to try to buy affection at the end. Life is about the people who love you and who you love, not about all the money you can make. I know money is important, but when is enough "enough"?

Btw, my husband (we had our 24th anniversary on August 13) is a workaholic who spends almost every waking hour at the office. He makes excellent money. Our house is paid for and we have no bills, no car payments, except utilities,insurance, etc. For years, he was a Boy Scout scoutmaster, out 2 or 3 evenings a week and at least one weekend a month. Since our son is grown, he is spending less time with Boy Scout stuff. NOW when he is NOT at work, he plays chess 2 or 3 times a week. When he is not at his chess club, he is playing chess online. The only time we ever do anything together is when I tell him I want to go out to eat... during which he eats and won't really talk unless I ask him a direct question. He won't go to the movies or concerts or museums or anything like that. And if I waited for him to do anything around our house, it would be crumbled to dust by then.

Ann Landers and Dear Abby both used to ask the question "Are you better off with him or without him?" You have to ask yourself that question. I am better off with him because I gave up my nursing career to be a stay at home mom. If I wanted to go back to work, I'd have to go back to school, because so much has changed in 20 years. There is no way I could really support myself in these times. My cakes are a 10-15 cake/month hobby.

Good luck, iceit4me, because workaholics rarely change, unless something earth-shattering or life-altering happens.

indydebi Posted 13 Oct 2008 , 12:31am
post #14 of 15

Hey SugarFrosted, we just had our 20th anniversary on August 13th!!

We will actually be upstairs/downstairs from each other and email each other! icon_lol.gif Or one of us will yell to the other "Log in to your Instant Messenger!" so we can ask the other a question! icon_lol.gif We are pitiful!

And you're so right on the "I wish ...." comments. Walk thru the cemetery .... you'll never see a stone with the words "Beloved CEO" or "Best Salesman" carved on them.

Mike1394 Posted 14 Oct 2008 , 10:11am
post #15 of 15

Why don't you help him with the house?

Mike

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