Marriage Vs. Cakes -Long!

Decorating By sunlover00 Updated 24 Sep 2008 , 12:04am by kakeladi

sunlover00 Posted 22 Sep 2008 , 11:48pm
post #1 of 22

Tough one. For a few months now, my DH has been gone a lot. It was beginning to get on my nerves...I'm home alone all the time! So one day I shared that I felt as though I never see him anymore. He says, "when I'm home, you're always doing cakes; what am I supposed to do?".

Well this began a long 2-day discussion/argument. Yes, I am very busy with cake orders every week. He says that he cannot do anything with me; nothing spontaneous such as picking up and traveling for the weekend, or even going for a walk. From my side...he has done nothing but be supportive of me all along the way - even suggesting I get business cards, website, and go to bridal shows! He said that he wants me to be happy because he loves me; but my cake business doesn't necessarily make him happy. He is very proud of me but wants to do things with me that are not possible. He is not asking me to quit the business, but at the same time he says he's not happy either.

He will be retiring in 3 years. We have no kids in the house anymore. I wonder...what would I do if I didn't have my business? I'll get fat and board and go crazy. icon_cry.gif Even if I 'cut back' on the orders, with ONE order I'm tied to the house, you know? There are many times that I wish I didn't have this business....it gets stressful and people can be ...well...people. When I have a week off I'm thrilled, but the joy of a customer's happiness when they see their cakes makes me feel so good also. Is this all about me? I mean, for once there is something I'm good at and people want my services! How many people get to say that?

I do want to do things with him. His love and our life are more important than anything. But at the same time I feel as though I have to give up something I love for someone I love more. It feels like I have a no-win situation.

Anyone out there that can relate? I need advice.

21 replies
PinkZiab Posted 23 Sep 2008 , 12:58am
post #2 of 22

How about doing cakes every other week, or to weeks on, one week off (or two weeks on, two weeks off). You control when you take bookings. Discuss with your husband what would work best, then black those weeks out and do NOT take bookings for those weeks! You'll still have your cake business, and you'll also have more time with hubby.

Mike1394 Posted 23 Sep 2008 , 12:58am
post #3 of 22

Certainly not to laugh at your situation. This topic always makes me laugh though. Throughout the yrs men always hear you work to much you never have time for the family. Now that it is in a reversed situation it gets looked at different.

Mike

Kitagrl Posted 23 Sep 2008 , 1:25am
post #4 of 22

Pink has a good idea. You could just pick and choose the most interesting and highest paid cakes and turn down the others...just do SOME weekends and not all. Or set aside the last weekend in every month or something just for you and hubby. You'd hate for the relationship to go sour...

cohen1 Posted 23 Sep 2008 , 1:25am
post #5 of 22

I agree!
I would sit down with your hubby and plan some time together and then block that on the calendar so you dont take any cakes.

When I first started making cakes it was hard trying to block off time because I hated saying no to a customer but you have to sometimes and they understand.

Good Luck!

lovely Posted 23 Sep 2008 , 1:35am
post #6 of 22
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mike1394

Certainly not to laugh at your situation. This topic always makes me laugh though. Throughout the yrs men always hear you work to much you never have time for the family. Now that it is in a reversed situation it gets looked at different.

Mike




I have to agree with you Mike. My Dad who is retired was hardly around due to work and bringing in the money. Now he's home he does nothing but complain that my Mum isn't home. It's kind of hard to watch.
Good luck with your situation and I too think Pink has a good idea about blacking out days that you may book up with your husband. May not be spontaneous but at least it's time to do nothing or something together.
Leigh

indydebi Posted 23 Sep 2008 , 1:44am
post #7 of 22
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovely

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mike1394

Certainly not to laugh at your situation. This topic always makes me laugh though. Throughout the yrs men always hear you work to much you never have time for the family. Now that it is in a reversed situation it gets looked at different.

Mike



I have to agree with you Mike. My Dad who is retired was hardly around due to work and bringing in the money. Now he's home he does nothing but complain that my Mum isn't home. It's kind of hard to watch.
Good luck with your situation and I too think Pink has a good idea about blacking out days that you may book up with your husband. May not be spontaneous but at least it's time to do nothing or something together.
Leigh




Agree, too. The stereotype of dad working long hours to get ahead at work, but suddenly when mom starts putting in long hours, then SHE'S neglecting the family. First husband had that attitude (which is one of the many reasons he's an ex) ..... he worked 2nd shift (on the rare occasions that he worked) and I wasn't "allowed" to make plans on the weekend because that's the only time we had together ... unless something came up that HE wanted to do with his buddies and then it was Bye Bye Debi See Ya When I Get Back time.

susgene Posted 23 Sep 2008 , 1:48am
post #8 of 22

Are you sure you're not susgene? Yes I can TOTALLY relate... even the husband retiring in 3 years. He has been totally supportive but I know there are many times when he (and we) wish we could do something and I'm tied to the kitchen all day and all night. I've started trying to take fewer orders to focus more on my family (kids are grown - although the 33 year old is back for a while) and I have now had two weeks off of cake decorating and my family seems so much happier and the house sure is cleaner! I'm trying to keep in mind what is the most important thing to me and even though I have a very tough time turning anyone down, I've started doing it much more often - actually I have a sign up at work that says "Currently taking no new orders". I'm pretty well booked (as booked as I WANT to be) through 2009 and a couple of orders for 2010. Believe it or not people will STILL ask after reading my sign. Duh. And they make me feel guilty - but I get over it.

Good luck to you!

l_m_mena Posted 23 Sep 2008 , 1:52am
post #9 of 22

What I do is I pick a weekend every month that is cake free, so that I can spend time with my hubby, even if it's just to stay at home.

Sometimes, a customer comes by to ask about that weekend and he tells me to go ahead and take the order anyway, we do something in the evening. I just make sure to take some time to compensate for it.

sunlover00 Posted 23 Sep 2008 , 3:20am
post #10 of 22

Thank you all for the advice. I've talked about taking a week off per month. He's all about the spontaneous thing...but I'm sure that would help. As fate would have it, my wedding cake for this Saturday just cancelled today. What is God telling me with this? hmm icon_confused.gif

Again, I'm relieved, but also as luck would have it, DH is gone almost every day this week for work! icon_mad.gif

Well, I'm still booked solid until mid-November so at some point, I will have to start saying NO as hard as it will be. We've come to a truce in the discussion but there is a silent dark cloud there that we are ignoring.

*sigh

OhMyGanache Posted 23 Sep 2008 , 5:21am
post #11 of 22

Just curious... have you considered going to work for someone else part time? And then perhaps revisit the idea of a home business when your husband is retired and can help you with some of the things you do - which would lessen the amount of time you spend on cakes and you could be spending time together as well!

That way you could still get to decorate, but it wouldn't be spilling over into your personal life. As much as I love having my own business, I sometimes yearn for the days when I didn't have to stay up until 1 a.m. to finish an order. Back in the day when I had a life. LOL!

playingwithsugar Posted 23 Sep 2008 , 5:49am
post #12 of 22

I have a friend who is a master cake decorator, and highly in demand in PA. She makes time for her husband and family, carefully planning her calendar so that she does not miss homecoming at her daughter's college, vacations with her husband (no matter whether it's busy season or not), or special events in the family.

In return, her husband is very, very supportive of her business, delivering and helping out as much as he can. They have an even exchange.

Since he will be retiring in a couple of years, maybe it's time to recruit him into your business a bit, and in return, maybe you could cut back a bit so you could give him some of the time he craves?

Theresa icon_smile.gif

Jopalis Posted 23 Sep 2008 , 6:13am
post #13 of 22

Life is short. I have seen it take many unexpected turns. Prioritize. Schedule your cakes. If you don't say no to them you are saying no to your family... Find a happy medium..

CakesByJen2 Posted 23 Sep 2008 , 12:19pm
post #14 of 22

Well, first I have to say how very lucky you are that you have a husband who cares about spending time with you! My husband could not care less about spending time with me icon_cry.gif

That being said, I would not be willing to give up something that means so much to you. I know how you feel, doing cakes has been much more fulfilling that any job I've had and I couldn't imagine giving it up altogether. But, I have had to cut WAY back since I had my second child, who is very high-maintenance, plus now my older child (13 next month-YIKES) is involved in lots of activities that I don't want to miss. So I go through my calendar and black out dates for vacations, family birthdays, important events, etc., and make sure to have at least one weekend free a month (though my daughter did give me permission to book a wedding on her birthday this year, as long as she still gets a cake and I use some of the $$ I make to buy her a really good present, LOL).

If you are in a position where you don't have to worry about making enough money to cover overhead, then definitely cut back. Black out dates and stick to it. If you have a hard time saying "No", then raise your prices, and you will have fewer people wanting to order anyway. In addition to blacking out dates, take fewer orders the rest of the time. If you're really too busy to take a walk, then you need to cut back. Discuss it with you hubby and tell him you'll work out a compromise; you'll black out dates and take fewer orders to have more time for him and travel, but he'll just have to accept that things can't be as spontaneous as he might like. But he'll have to make some effort to coordinate your schedules, not just expect YOU to be available whenever he happens to be. And like someone else said, what about involving him in the business when he retires?

Shelle_75 Posted 23 Sep 2008 , 12:39pm
post #15 of 22
Quote:
Originally Posted by l_m_mena

What I do is I pick a weekend every month that is cake free, so that I can spend time with my hubby, even if it's just to stay at home.




I think this is a fantastic idea. Pick one week a month that is cake free, don't schedule any cakes for that week. Might not be the "spontaneous" feeling he's looking for, but if he knows that the fourth week of every month (or whatever) is free for you and he knows he can do something with you that week, it might help the two of you stay close and yet allow you to keep busy at the same time.

imakecakes Posted 23 Sep 2008 , 12:43pm
post #16 of 22

Just another thought....

Instead of blocking out a whole weekend, how about just blocking out one night? For instance, no caking on Friday (Or Sunday or whatever day works best for you)--make it your scheduled day off every week. Do prep work for weekend cakes earlier in the week while hubby is at work.

Then hubby can know that every Friday is your day together and he can "Plan" to be spontaneous on those days. I agree that you are lucky to have someone who cares about not having enough time with you. I hope you are able to find a solution that makes you both happy and renews some sparks for your marriage! Best wishes!!

Gefion Posted 23 Sep 2008 , 3:32pm
post #17 of 22

I was ever put in that situation, I would tell him that if he wanted someone to sit and wait around for him to be spontaneous a few times a week, then he could get a dog.

indydebi Posted 23 Sep 2008 , 6:07pm
post #18 of 22
Quote:
Originally Posted by Gefion

I was ever put in that situation, I would tell him that if he wanted someone to sit and wait around for him to be spontaneous a few times a week, then he could get a dog.




icon_lol.gificon_lol.gif ROFLMAO!!! Are you an old married lady, too??? icon_lol.gif

Gefion Posted 23 Sep 2008 , 8:13pm
post #19 of 22
Quote:
Originally Posted by indydebi

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gefion

I was ever put in that situation, I would tell him that if he wanted someone to sit and wait around for him to be spontaneous a few times a week, then he could get a dog.



icon_lol.gificon_lol.gif ROFLMAO!!! Are you an old married lady, too??? icon_lol.gif




Nope - I'm a 28 year old divorced lady icon_cool.gif and for good reason.

SugarFrosted Posted 23 Sep 2008 , 8:54pm
post #20 of 22

I don't know why, but when I read that a husband wants "spontaneous" time, I suspect that no matter how much time is blocked-out to be available for spontaneity, the one day you decide to do a cake is the one day he will want to be spontaneous.

There is no spontaneity in my house. I spend most evenings/weekends alone watching TV or working on cakes. My husband is a workaholic (at least 60 hrs a week) and when he is at home, he is asleep. I have no room to complain about that because he makes an excellent salary which allowed me to be a stay at home mom. He has spent years as a scoutleader, at least one evening a week, usually more like 2 and at least one weekend a month. He plays chess twice a week in the evening, and sometimes there are chess tournaments on the weekends. He will do anything to help anyone with anything. Yet our house will likely fall down around our ears before he lifts a finger to work on anything at home.

In the past when our son was still at home, I asked that all their activities be put on the calendar so I'd know who'd be home to eat dinner. I stopped cooking years ago after the 3rd night in about 10 days I cooked dinner and no one showed up. At some point, when my husband retires, I'll probably be too busy to notice.

And you know what they say about retirement: Half as much money and twice as much husband (following you around, looking over your shoulder and telling you a "better way" to do stuff you already have down to a science.)

Personally, I agree with Gefion.

sunlover00 Posted 23 Sep 2008 , 11:15pm
post #21 of 22

There is much to think about. Nothing has to be decided immediately. Not sure if I mentioned it before but I already have 7 weddings booked for 2009 and one in 2010.

He really does not like to help in cake delivery. He does help with design ideas but its not his thing. Like me going to watch him shoot pool every Tuesday or something...not my thing. So helping me in the business probably won't happen.

This is my second marriage. We've been married 3 years - togeter 8yrs. I know the meaning of being in love with a man for once in my life. I will not give that up; he is a beautiful person inside and out. He never even mentined his feelings until I brought up mine. But in talking with friends, I find out that he's hinted to other people that he wishes I were'nt so busy so we could do things and go places.

I will have to cut back and see if that helps. Maybe I'll love it...who knows. All the while....we've been actively drawing new plans for a kitchen addition/remodel that would assist in my cake business! WTF? Sorry - but I'm so confused.

I will not back down on the kitchen...I want it! I will use it even if it's to boil water all day. thumbs_up.gif

kakeladi Posted 24 Sep 2008 , 12:04am
post #22 of 22

Live is short......you need to plans some time for him.
Don't get forced into retirement like I did icon_sad.gif
I soooooooooo miss decorating!
I am lucky I can spend most days on the computer helping where ever, whoever I can. That helps take the sting out of not being able to decorate.
If you were to ask my DH why I closed my shop he would say I was getting tired of it.....HA! It's because of him......he has to be cared for 24/7.

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