Divorce. The Only Solution?

Lounge By Karema Updated 21 Oct 2008 , 6:14pm by Mike1394

Karema Posted 22 Sep 2008 , 3:37am
post #1 of 42

I have been married for almost five years and feel like I cant take it anymore. I'm always depressed, stressed, crying and angry. My husband is generally a good guy. He works full time selling insurance and not really making any money to pay the bills. He doesnt really like to clean up and everything seems to be getting worse. He hates doing dishes, cooking and just doesnt do the laundry, vacuuming, mopping, or cleaning the bathroom. It seems like everything I ask him to do he says yes and it doesnt get done. I did all the laundry one day it was like 12 loads. I washed, dried and folded. I put most of it away and I asked him to do the rest. He at first said if I start something I should finish it but then said ok he would. So the laundry is still in the basket and it has been a month. He then takes the dirty clothes and put them on top of the clean clothes hamper or on the floor. I could understand that he doesnt like cleaning up inside but outside too? He doesnt mow the lawn, trim the hedges, or sweep the driveway. He takes out the garbage most days and will clean up after the kids sometimes.

We have two chidren 4 and 2 and they can be a handfull. I want him to understand how I feel. I dont want him working at this new job because he is only bringing home like 250 a week. What am I suppose to do with that. We only have one car and he needs the car all day to do this job. So I have to get up in the morning take him to work for his daily meeting, take my daughter to school drive back to get him then he takes me home and has the car all day. I've been taking the bus to get around all day with my 2 year old. I also am trying to get my business off the ground.

Don't get me wrong he does some stuff just not much, If he cooks that's all he will do all day. If he washes dishes he does just that all day not even clean the stove. We have been fighting alot lately and I'm just fed up. It seems like there is nothing I can say to make him realize that he needs another job and to help out a little more around the house. I even told him I would do laundry this week if He picked up the stuff off the floor and took it to the basement. One week later its still there. I asked him to clean the back porch that was in July, still dirty. I asked him to clean the car out of all his papers and crap two weeks ago still there. I asked him tonight to empty the car of my business stuff from saturday, You guessed it still there. I am TIRED and I dont want to do this anymore. We have been to counseling twice and I am beginning to think that he is just lazy. I can't be with somebody like that because you can't change a lazy person they are just like that. I just want to cry all the time and I am so angry that I dont even want to look at his face. Our kids of course love him but to be honest he spends more time watching tv or on the computer than playing with them. I want to leave and I dont think him and I were meant to be together. I know that I'm not perfect and I have my faults but I cant take him anymore. But I feel guilty because some women would kill to have a man that is nice, doesnt drink, smoke, hang out, hit them or cheat on them. I know that he is a good man am I just crazy? Thanks for listening.

41 replies
Amia Posted 22 Sep 2008 , 5:06am
post #2 of 42

First of all, you are not crazy! I can't tell you whether to get divorced or not, only you know your limitations and what is best for you and your children. And ultimately, only you can make that decision. Divorce is never an easy decision, but sometimes it is the best one. I don't really want to give you advice that would end your marriage, or keep you in a marriage where you are unhappy, so instead I will just share a little with you. Hope you don't mind.

For starters, I think our DH's could be brothers...if not the same person! At this point in time, I feel divorce is our best option and we've only been married 2 months (we've been together for over 3 years and have 2 boys: ages 2 and 8 months). It's a really hard step to take, but I don't want our boys growing up around him. He's not a nice, or happy, person and he brings me down with him. My DH is lazy too, and always tells me I'm lazy and selfish because I stay home with our boys. We can't afford daycare and I don't have my degree, so getting a job is not cost efficient for me but of course, that makes me lazy. He would rather us go into debt to pay for daycare so I would get a job. Does that make any sense? He's also a huge child. He plays video games more than he spends time with his children. It really hurts me to see our oldest son asking his daddy to play and being ignored or yelled at. He also never helps with anything around the house. He used to not be like this. He used to be very sweet and supportive, but for some reason that person is gone and this new person is not who I want to be with. I figure there are a ton of other men out there and I will find one who will treat me so much better.

Anyway, I'm very sorry anyone else has to go through this. I hope you figure all this out and can find happiness in your life again.

icon_smile.gif

tracycakes Posted 22 Sep 2008 , 2:40pm
post #3 of 42

I am so sorry for both of you and what you have to deal with. My personal belief is that divorce should be the last thing you consider. Karema, you said that you went to counseling twice. Did it help? I would think that more counseling might be needed. Amia1024, you've only been married 2 months and already thinking of divorce? It definitely sounds like counseling is needed if trying to work things out yourself doesn't help.

I have a husband who does help out alot, especially since he retired. But what I have learned is that I have to spell out exactly what I want done and when it needs to be done. I don't nag but I try to make it clear exactly what needs to be done. Karema, you mentioned cleaning off the back porch. What I would do is state exactly what you want cleaned off because my idea and my husband's idea of clean are not the same thing. icon_rolleyes.gif If I've asked him to do it and a week goes by and it isn't done, I mention it again but with "Do you remember that I asked you to clean the back porch?" I also thank him for what he has done and for helping me.

Men have a 1-track mind. This is not to dig at them but it has been proven that men focus on 1 thing at a time. Make sure to get his attention when you want him to do something. Make sure you only tell him 1 thing because he will not hear anything else. Understand that his idea of "clean" and your idea of "clean" may be different and you need to be very clear. Try not to nag. My husband admits that I'm not a nagger but I make very clear what I would like for him to do and I think he appreciates that because he doesn't have to guess.

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hijack the thread. icon_redface.gif I'm sorry that you both are dealing with these issues and trying to help. Please, do get counseling. Unless there is a fear of physical harm or abuse, I believe that couples should try to stay together and work things out, especially if you have children. God bless you both.

Karema Posted 22 Sep 2008 , 3:49pm
post #4 of 42

Counceling only works for a short period of time. If i threaten to put him out then he wants to start helping. I explained exactly what I wanted done on the porch. I do give him exact instructions and he still doesnt do it. He will say yes he will then he wont do it. I remind him and he says yeah I know. Then I ask again two weeks later and he says yeah I know. Then he just wont do it! If I ask him to wash the dishes that is clear. I can't get anymore clear than that. I just understand why I to ask him everything. Doesnt he have his own brain and I'm not his mother. I have to ask him to give the kids a bath, brush his teeth, pick up his clothes, get his clothes from the cleaners, wash dishes, clean the table off after he eats, spend time with the children, spend time with me. Ok do you get the idea. I am tired of micro managing his life that is not my job. I am her to be his wife. He is here to provide make me feel safe and be a good husband. I dont expect him to be perfect. I just asked him can he do at least one thing each day. Just pick something in the house and do it just once a day. I dont care if he decides to load the dishwasher. That helps. I can't try to get my business off the ground work long hours baking, take care of two kids, and run around all day trying to get him to and from work kids to and from school. We talk all the time and that's all that happens. He says sorry, he knows that he is not helping me that much, he knows that its hard on me and he is going to help out more. Then He will do a few things for the next week then its back to the same thing. Then I ignore what he is not doing and that doesnt work, then I thank him for helping and tell him how great he is and that doesnt work, then I get pissed and tell him off and say that's it get out my house then that works for a few days. Now what?

shanzah67 Posted 22 Sep 2008 , 4:48pm
post #5 of 42

Sorry to see that you are going through such a hard time. I hope things get better for you. I don't know what your religious beliefs are but a big heartful prayer really works for me.

I've had to get through some hard times myself...just take it a day at a time and decide what works best for you and your children. Depression and stress can age someone fast.

Hang in there...

dldbrou Posted 22 Sep 2008 , 4:56pm
post #6 of 42

I can sympathize with you. My dh is somewhat like what you describe and we have been married 32 years. I have told him that if I have to pick up anything of his off the floor that it goes in the trash. My dh could live in a pigpen and be perfectly happy. Yesterday we argued about his car. It is a moving trash can. He works out of it doing art finishes for customers and all off his supplies are in his car. Only one person can ride in his car, (him). This morning he actually got up and started cleaning it. He has been cleaning, throwing and reorganizing it for four hours now. Now, let me explain that he is ADD and has a hard time figuring out where to start and how to organize. He gets sidetracked easily. Your husband could also have ADD or maybe he could be depressed or as you say just LAZY and Immature. He needs to realize that he is setting a bad example for you children. Maybe you could make a daily list of what needs to be done by the two of you along with your children and call it your duty chart. The one to finish most of the duties, gets a night to do what they want or just watch whatever they want on tv without anyone else complaining. Just a thought

Pookie59 Posted 22 Sep 2008 , 5:07pm
post #7 of 42

Sounds like my life some years ago. The wife/mother role at times seems like it's all give, give, give and sometimes you seem to get very little back. It's very hard for women in similiar situations to have any "me time" and not lose their sense of self, which is really what you need. Unfortunately your husband is not being supportive. At this point, for whatever reason, he is totally self-involved. Perhaps your husband is very unhappy as well. He can't be too happy with your current financial situation. Maybe he feels trapped or hopeless.

Like Ann Landers (the advice columnist) always used to advise: you have to decide if you're better off with him or without him and go from there.

sweettoothmom Posted 22 Sep 2008 , 5:19pm
post #8 of 42

I have to agree with amia1024. Divorce is always the last resort. I was so dilluted i married a man because I felt like after a year of dating my family and he expected me to say yes when he asked. So I did.

We were both way too young. Young in age and young in maturity. We were not ready to be married to anyone and certainly not to each other.

He had been cheating on me for almost 10 years. THANK GOD we didnt have any kids.
I left him that day and filed for divorce the very next morning.

I met and married a wonderful man who is a great daddy, cooks and cleans when i need the help. He doesnt like laundry but who does???

Sorry to be so long. I just wanted you to know we all have struggles in marriage even the so called "perfect" ones.

The hubbies mentioned here seem to be completely immature. Laziness is immaturity at it highest level. Do you think that perhaps your hubbies insurance job is not going well because he lacks self esteem? If so attacking his weekly income will only weaken his esteem. Sometimes men need a little hand holding to realize what they can and need to be. How young are you two? Time heals all wounds they say but in a marriage youth can cause pretty deep wounds that take years to heal. They make you stronger but they leave a mark, a "marital scar", so to speak. So speak kindly, never use the big "D" word unless you are prepared to walk out the door that very second.

I was told by a very smart woman once that relationships are the work of a woman. The lead must be taken by the female to make it work. They know the emotional and intimate side of life that men never really learn. We are social creatures and need that interaction. Men ignore it, they are wired differently.
Dont be a nag. Just do what you need to do. Womens work is never done. Our lives are all about have to's. Clean the house, keep the kids happy, and bake, bake, bake. Take a night to have a date night. Reconnect to why you fell for him in the first place. Boost is self esteem maybe his career will take off. If not you can honestly say you TRIED to make it work. Be the good example for your children.

He has to apply the counseling to make it worth the while. If he just goes to get you to quiet down then he is not going for the right reasons. It seems like there is a lot of take and not to much give in this relationship.

Bless your heart I know your hurting and upset and frustrated and so tired it is all eating you alive. BUT you have invested 5 years of your life and you have children involved. Put more effort into the marriage, the relationship, ease your concious. Know you did everything you could do to make it work. Let him know what you are doing to try to better things. Dont ask him to do anything, dont tell him to do anything. Just point out what you are doing and why you are doing it. To better the relationship. To better your lives. perhaps he just needs to see that you are still invested in the relationship. He maybe depressed because work isnt going as planned and now his wife is never happy with him. I know you are baring the burden, carrying the cross on this whole thing and believe me it is so heavy. You have the strength, you have gone looking for help. That tells me that you want to figure this out. You want to resolve this issue. You never mention if you love him or not. Can you imagine life without him? Would it be better or just different?

As far as the situation with the car, thats a toughy. Does he actually use the car during the day to make sales calls or does he just want it? I would setup a schedule. e.g. monday, wednesday and friday- you drop him off at work and you pick him up at lunchtime. He gets the car the rest of the day. You have time to run errands those days. tuesday and thursday- He takes the car in the morning returning at lunch time or he keeps the car the rest of the day. He can return to take your child to school or your child can ride the bus or carpool with another child.

Amia Posted 22 Sep 2008 , 5:44pm
post #9 of 42

I have tried to get my DH into counseling for over a year. He refuses to go. He has major issues left over from his first marriage, which I used to believe were all due to her (from what he said), but now I think if he treated her the way he treats me, I can totally see why she left him. I'm tired of paying for that failed relationship and I'm tired of fighting. If he won't get help, there's nothing left to do but end it. Divorce is our last option. I wish it weren't, but hopefully I will be like sweettoothmom and find someone else who will be so much better for me and will love my boys. If DH would go to counseling, on his own, I would love to work things out, but another part of me thinks that it shouldn't have taken this long or come to this point. Why do men always need to actually LOSE something before they realize what it was worth? icon_evil.gif

michellenj Posted 22 Sep 2008 , 6:53pm
post #10 of 42

I can totally relate to what you ladies are saying. Nobody "likes" cooking, cleaning, taking care of every single thing in everyone's lives. It is very frustrating and depressing to be the one that takes care of everyone and every thing, to get zero in return, other than grief over our sex life. My husband comes home from work and sits on the sofa, and that's where he remains until it's time for him to go to bed. He can't even be bothered to put his dirty socks away. I am really fed up, and the kicker for me was today he admitted to me that he had read my email the other day. tapedshut.gif I feel violated and am furious! I was complaining to my best friend about him, and he read it. His feelings are hurt b/c I was brutal, but that's what you get when you snoop.

snowshoe1 Posted 22 Sep 2008 , 8:48pm
post #11 of 42

Wow! I hope some of you are just venting and need to get this off your chest and your husbands aren't really like this all the time. I feel so bad for some of you.

Yes - I'd get a divorce.

Divorce is not the 'last resort' - you have options. Get out and find someone who appeciates you or spend some time by yourself.
Life is short.

Karema Posted 22 Sep 2008 , 10:42pm
post #12 of 42

Wow so many responses and questions I didnt expect anyone to care. So I will try to answer all the questions. Yes I love my husband. It took me a long time to even realize that. I had been dating someone else and he broke my heart when he came back from the military. I decided to be alone and that guys sister had a boyfriend which is now my husband. It's hard to follow I know. I dated him for a few weeks and I kind of liked him. I had a great job and was making like $500 a week, had a car, was paying my bills and doing great. He liked me, made a move and we started dating. He sort of stayed at my house all the time so I told him he better chip in for rent and some of the food. He then said ok. I then decided that I didnt want to live with him without being married so I told him he had to leave. He says I love you so much and I would rather marry you then live without you. So he asked me to marry him three months later and I said yes. We had dated for 5 months.

I blame myself and that is why it is so hard for me to just leave. I did like him but I didn't know him as well as I thought. When he first lived with me he helped me clean on saturday morning and usually whatever I asked the man he would do. He was so sweet. Then we got married and I got pregnant right away. We fougt some of the time but at the time I thought is was dumb stuff so I kept letting it go. He was usally supportive of my business and is the one that talked me into doing it. He use to stay up late at night helping me make cookies. He use to tell me to go to bed and would stay up until 4am then get up in the morning to go to work and sell my cookies. I thought to myself he is a good man and he is trying. He really wasnt my type physically but I thought I liked his personality. He was funny and so calm and relaxed about everything. Now after being with him he is not that funny and tries to be funny at the wrong time. He also is too calm and relaxed because hardly nothing bothers him. Then when he does get mad he snaps.

I dont know how you knew he had ADD dldbrou. But he did have a learning disability growing up. He also has a short attention span but he also has and attention for details. He is driving me nuts. I am so confused because one moment I'm like oh I love him to much I want a baby then I look at him and I get disgusted. I think to myself I gave up my life and agreed to marry him and look where that has gotten me. I'm angry because I believed him and I trusted him. He wanted me to stay home and watch the children and I wanted that too. I feel like I lowered my standards just to be with a man. I dont mean just physical.

We have gone to counseling twice and I have done that list thing to organize like 4 times. He says he knows what to do in the house and doesnt need a list. Then he looks at the list and sees all the work then suddenly its not fair that he has to wash dishes everytime I cook. I even did it on a point system and said we each have to do 4 points each day and some task are worth more than 1 point. That didnt work either. I feel like I'm working with a child. He can look around the house and see it's messy and help clean up? Maybe its how he grew up. His mom said that her house was dirty when he grew up and he really ddint have to do that much. Let me give you a funny example of how lazy he is.

His sister was over her this weekend with her two kids. They are 8 and 2. She asked him to please clean out the car so I could have a space to put my cookies. He sat and sat and sat. She asked agian and he said yes he would do it. He then why can't your son start cleaning it out, I'll be right there. That boy is 8 yrs old and its not his car. HE IS LAZY! He helps out everyone once a while but he feels like he has cleaned sooo much when he rarely does that much

Mike1394 Posted 23 Sep 2008 , 12:27am
post #13 of 42

I have to disagree with some that said divorce is the last resort. It can be a great beginning. I do have to caution though. Your main responsibility is to the kids. Make sure your finacially able before/if you make a move. Since he is barely working your child support will not be much.

Mike

indydebi Posted 23 Sep 2008 , 1:02am
post #14 of 42

Here it comes...... icon_rolleyes.gif

I do not believe in "holding his hand" to get him to do something. I'm his wife ... his life partner ... I am not his mother and he's not in kindergarten. Yes, people should thank each other for doing things, but I DON'T believe that I have to thank him for doing every little thing he does. Women dont' get nor do we expect to be thanked for sweeping the floor and putting away the laundry. But let a man empty the trash and holy cow, he's following me around the house, "did you notice I emptied the trash? Huh? Huh? Did ya? Did ya see it's empty? Did ya?" Oh shut the he** up! I'm not going to pat you on the head nor am I giving you a medal or an award.

I moved out of our bathroom. I. Will. Not. Go. In. There. I got sick of cleaning up Man Mess and just refused to deal with it anymore. It was MONTHS before he decided it needed cleaned .... took him 5 hours (and it's a small bathroom!). It's now his bathroom. I won't ever touch it again. If you want to live like a pig, then you can do it by yourself.

As a sidenote, I DETEST the word "nag". It's an anti-woman sexist remark. Let's see .... you ask him to take out the trash, he says he will and he doesn't, you ask him again .... and again .... and again .... and he blows up because you're "nagging" him. All the freakin' lazy SOB has to do is take out the freakin' trash and there won't be an issue!!! So tell me what the OTHER solution is? Am I suppose to ask him to take out the trash and then I'm not ALLOWED to say anything to him DAYS later when the trash is climbing up the wall ... because oh golly gosh darn gee, we don't want the poor little baby to think I'm NAGGING him, now do we?

As a friend of mine said to me when she decided to leave her lazy, won't work, lived in front of the TV drinking the rent money husband: "I can do bad by myself. I don't need to carry him as extra weight in the process."

Mike is right. Divorce can be the new beginning. My children are GRATEFUL that I left their dad and married the wonderful guy I have now (we just celebrated our 20 year anniversary this past August).

Consider me the old married lady here, but having been thru the divorce thing with a never-worked-type of guy, there comes a point where the only place you can go is "up".

Staying together "for the children" is not good if the children are living in a loud, violent household of adults that are always yelling, screaming and fighting with each other; where no one is ever happy and no one is ever relaxed and comfortable, and everyone is walking on eggshells. My two oldest children will attest to this.

I know this is not the nicey-nice post that most people prefer to read, but this is exactly the same advice I would give my own daughter.

And maybe you should look at it that way .... if your daughter were living in these circumstances and felt like you do, what would you tell her to do?

dldbrou Posted 23 Sep 2008 , 1:16am
post #15 of 42

One thing that I laugh at all the time is, I can work two full time jobs and keep up my house, but if I ask dh to do something like load the dishwasher, he wants everyone to know how much work he has done for me. He is in need of recognition all the time for anything he does. Some tell me it is because he is an artist and needs approval from his piers. I say he still needs to grow up. We have a standing joke that if he starts a project he gets about half way and then sits for 30 minutes admiring his work and never finishes it. I will go up to him when he is suppose to be working and ask him what he is looking at and he says just looking at what I did. My son is almost as bad as my dh, except he is a perfectionist on top of not being motivated to do anything.

mbelgard Posted 23 Sep 2008 , 1:50am
post #16 of 42

I believe that it's nice for kids if their parents can stay together but I also know that it's only nice if both parents are both good parents and love each other.

I have cousins who are very glad that their fathers divorced their mothers and never go see the women. Those kids would NOT have been better off with the parents staying together, in fact thanks ot my grandparents' views being passed on to my uncles the kids had to endure their mothers far longer than they should have.

I was raised in an odd situation and I know it would have been better for us children if my mother had left my father no matter how much she loves him. He wasn't the type to beat us black and blue but when he wasn't stationed somewhere else he inflicted emotional scars on us. I wasn't one who took the worst of it because I came fairly close to his ideas of what a girl should be and it was still rough growing up in his house. Of seven children only one will say that he wasn't abusive to all of us and that's my baby sister. I still think it would be good for my mother if she left him.

LindaB41171 Posted 23 Sep 2008 , 2:07pm
post #17 of 42

I will pray for the both of you. I think my husband is a clone of your's! I have been thinking alot lately about my situation also. My DH an I have been married for 17 yrs. We got married when we were 20 yrs. old. I feel like we are growing apart. I had a full time job in retail that was 40 miles away. But I stayed with it because my DH was working less than 40 hrs a week at a bowling center. He had the health insurance because mine was too expensive.

Due to health problems interfering with my job proformance, I lost my job in Feb. I have chronic asthma and have been diagnosed with rheumetoid arthritis. I have it in my wrists so I can't use them the way I used to. I have it in my feet so I can't stand for more that 15-20 minutes without my ankle swelling. Running errends or doing small chores is sometimes impossible because I get to where I can't walk.

DH finally got a full time factory job 2 mons. ago with better insurance. By now the damage has been done. His old insurance was so bad that it was not covering medical bills. I didn't realize how bad it was until it was too late. Now We have all these medical bills that have to get paid, and our mortgage is 2 months behind, again. Our utilities are always final notices or diconnect notices. I buy groceries with my unemployment check, plus pay on what bills I can.

I realize that now he has 2 jobs. But what was his excuse before? He knows my health. He didn't help me clean. My house is gross. Even now all he does is laundry because we have to go to the laundry mat, and helps cook (grill) a quick dinner half the week. I'm the one who takes care of the kids(7 & 9). I'm the one who tries to clean. I'm the one that stresses about the bills. We always said that we didn't believe in divorce because his parents were. I pray about our situation every night, but I can't help but think about "D" every once and a while. I'm so sorry this is o long, but it's nice to finally have someone that can understand.

sweettoothmom Posted 23 Sep 2008 , 9:21pm
post #18 of 42
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mike1394

I have to disagree with some that said divorce is the last resort. It can be a great beginning. I do have to caution though. Your main responsibility is to the kids. Make sure your finacially able before/if you make a move. Since he is barely working your child support will not be much.

Mike




Mike,
I say that divorce is a last resort because we as a culture in the old USA tend to allow ourselves the easy way out instead of honoring our commitments. In my first marriage my x was just like these hubbies. He got a good job by lying on a resume'. He exploited the "business travel" by having a hooker in every port. He was home about 6 weeks out of the last year we were married has four children by 3 different women and contracted a nasty disease in his adventures. I can honestly say I had to divorce him. There was no changing that old dog. I had to save my life. I did get a tremendous new begining. THANK THE LORD!

I just wanted these ladies to understand the ramifications of not making sure they did everything they could to make it work. SO they could leave with a sparkling clean concious. They say relationships take 2 to work well DUH!!! There is no relationship if there is one 1. There is also no nasty bathroom to clean up, no trash crawlin gup the walls, no stinky socks to clean up, no permanent butt crack indention on the couch and no one to yell at when the GOSH DARNED DOG he just had to have, chews up a perfectly good shoe.

Everyone is responsible and accountable for thier actions not the actions of thier spouse. Keep yourself in line, hold a hand if you need to. Be his mommy for the day if need be. But then girl make him man up and see that he can shape up or your gonna kick him square in the a$$.

Mike1394 Posted 23 Sep 2008 , 10:37pm
post #19 of 42

Sweettooth, how many yrs did you suffer through? WHY? because marrige is supposed to be a sacred union? I totally disagree If your married life is crap, AND NO KIDS ARE INVOLVED, change it. When you add kids there is a total different dynamic. People do stuff for different reasons. IF you've tried everything that you know is possible to do, and it is still not an amicable relationship. GET THE HELL OUT. There is no reason to be miserable hoping a miserable person comes around.

Mike

indydebi Posted 23 Sep 2008 , 11:23pm
post #20 of 42

I would never say that divorce is the "easy way out". It was the most gut wretching decision and the worst year of my life. Long before I got divorced, I spouted off the same thing .... divorce was "too easy". A friend of mine (well, actually it was a brother-in-law, who is now an ex-BIL) said he disagreed .... he thought doing nothing was "too easy". Ignoring the problems was 'too easy". A woman with a low paying job, no benefits and 3 kids to raise deciding that she didn't have to live that kind of life anymore and taking her kids and striking out on her own .... that wasn't "the easy way" out. That was a hard and brave decision that a lot of people wouldn't have the guts to do.

michellenj Posted 24 Sep 2008 , 1:31am
post #21 of 42

I recently read in a relationship book that in a divorce a woman's standard of living decreases by 65% after the divorce due to decreased earning ability, lesser housing, etc., and a man's standard of living INCREASES by 45% after divorce, to paraphrase it, it is b/c the woman usually gets the kids and earns less.

Amia Posted 24 Sep 2008 , 2:07am
post #22 of 42
Quote:
Originally Posted by michellenj

I recently read in a relationship book that in a divorce a woman's standard of living decreases by 65% after the divorce due to decreased earning ability, lesser housing, etc., and a man's standard of living INCREASES by 45% after divorce, to paraphrase it, it is b/c the woman usually gets the kids and earns less.





Grrrr-eat. icon_evil.gif

Yeah divorce is the easy way out...for the man. Men suck. thumbsdown.gif

Mike1394 Posted 24 Sep 2008 , 9:03am
post #23 of 42
Quote:
Originally Posted by amia1024

Quote:
Originally Posted by michellenj

I recently read in a relationship book that in a divorce a woman's standard of living decreases by 65% after the divorce due to decreased earning ability, lesser housing, etc., and a man's standard of living INCREASES by 45% after divorce, to paraphrase it, it is b/c the woman usually gets the kids and earns less.




Grrrr-eat. icon_evil.gif

Yeah divorce is the easy way out...for the man. Men suck. thumbsdown.gif




LOLOLOL

sweettoothmom Posted 24 Sep 2008 , 6:17pm
post #24 of 42

I married right out of high school. We were married about 10 years. 2 months shy as a matter of fact. He cheated and smoked dope apparently the entire time we were married. Now looking back I can think about all the signs and signals he and others who knew gave but I shrugged off. Nowadays a cheater is no better than a murderer. Handing out disease and death. Thank God I got out before that happened.

Divorce and 8 second marriages (B. Spears etc....) are what I speak of.
My divorce was terrible. My marriage was horrendous though.
When I divorced it felt like someone I loved had died. But there was no funeral no real closure on the whole thing. So a year later he ended up calling me at work. I had to change jobs to get away from him but he still found me. He asked me not to date his friends. I quietly closed my office door and let him know who I date is not any of his business. Then I said, "Besides I thought when you said I do that meant you would stop dating altogether."
He still to this day will not admit he had affairs. I have met his children and thier mothers. They do not know I was the x to thier lover as far as I know. He leads a double life now. The two moms know nothing of each other and think he travels a lot for work.
So yes divorce is horrid. Divorce is freeing. And yes I think too many people would rather throw thier hands in the air and give up because someone doesnt like thier spouses behavior. These ladies dont seem to be in that position thought. THey are trying they are digging in and asking for the fellas to go to counseling. But as I said before you just cant change people. They are who they are. So you either have to love them as is or move on. When kids are involved I believe that it is healthier for the kids to see to parents in a healthy divorced relationship rather than in an unhealthy marriage. They need to see mommy and daddy happy to learn they should also be happy as adults.
You are right men make out like bandits in divorce situations. I hate seeing women depicted as gold diggers in the case of a divorce on movies tv etc.... Ladies we are undervalued.
I began counseling as soon as I left my x. That allowed me to get my head straight and keep it that way so when mr. right happened along I was not dealing with the baggage anymore. The best advice I was given by the therapist was. "When thinking of divorce, dont ask yourself if you can live with this person for the rest of your life. Instead ask your self can I LIVE without this person for the rest of my life."

No joking when Lorena Bobbitt "trimmed up" her hubby my great grandmother called me because Lorena's name had not been released as yet just the story and she was afraid it was me. I told her I wouldnt have stopped there. She and I both laughed but I found out a week later he was cheating and I was so damned tempted!!!! His guardian angle and mine were working overtime that day icon_evil.gif

Amia Posted 24 Sep 2008 , 6:55pm
post #25 of 42
Quote:
Originally Posted by sweettoothmom

I married right out of high school. We were married about 10 years. 2 months shy as a matter of fact. He cheated and smoked dope apparently the entire time we were married. Now looking back I can think about all the signs and signals he and others who knew gave but I shrugged off. Nowadays a cheater is no better than a murderer. Handing out disease and death. Thank God I got out before that happened.





Geez, sweettoothmom, how did you stand it for 10 years?!?! After 2 months of marriage, 3 years of ruining my life, and no cheating, I'm ready to throttle my DH. I would too, but if I go to jail he'll get the kids and I will die before that happens.


Quote:
Originally Posted by sweettoothmom


Divorce and 8 second marriages (B. Spears etc....) are what I speak of.
My divorce was terrible. My marriage was horrendous though.
When I divorced it felt like someone I loved had died. But there was no funeral no real closure on the whole thing. So a year later he ended up calling me at work. I had to change jobs to get away from him but he still found me. He asked me not to date his friends. I quietly closed my office door and let him know who I date is not any of his business. Then I said, "Besides I thought when you said I do that meant you would stop dating altogether."
He still to this day will not admit he had affairs. I have met his children and thier mothers. They do not know I was the x to thier lover as far as I know. He leads a double life now. The two moms know nothing of each other and think he travels a lot for work.
So yes divorce is horrid. Divorce is freeing. And yes I think too many people would rather throw thier hands in the air and give up because someone doesnt like thier spouses behavior. These ladies dont seem to be in that position thought. THey are trying they are digging in and asking for the fellas to go to counseling. But as I said before you just cant change people. They are who they are. So you either have to love them as is or move on. When kids are involved I believe that it is healthier for the kids to see to parents in a healthy divorced relationship rather than in an unhealthy marriage. They need to see mommy and daddy happy to learn they should also be happy as adults.
You are right men make out like bandits in divorce situations. I hate seeing women depicted as gold diggers in the case of a divorce on movies tv etc.... Ladies we are undervalued.
I began counseling as soon as I left my x. That allowed me to get my head straight and keep it that way so when mr. right happened along I was not dealing with the baggage anymore.





So, I guess mine is technically an "8 second marriage" icon_lol.gif but it's only because my soon-to-be-ex DH doesn't believe in working for anything. He's lazy and a quitter, but boy can he talk a big game. His whole thing is "I love you, but we don't get along and fight too much..." We only fight because he doesn't do anything I ask him, until after the millionth time, I have to yell at him. But I'm a nag...DAHHH I'm with Indy, I hate that word! He also has this really nasty tone he uses when talking to me, like I'm some sort of inconvenience in his life. If he really thinks life is going to be easier now, boy is he going to be surprised. icon_evil.gificon_twisted.gificon_mad.gif

And my DH is short and I hate that! I love love love high heels. So this works out perfectly. icon_evil.gif

I also figure, if my aunt can marry and divorce before she's 20 and find the most perfect DH in the world, then I can too. Did I mention that this aunt is a huge b$*&h and can emasculate a man just by looking at him? So yeah, there's definitely hope for me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by sweettoothmom


The best advice I was given by the therapist was. "When thinking of divorce, dont ask yourself if you can live with this person for the rest of your life. Instead ask your self can I LIVE without this person for the rest of my life."




The only problem with that advice, for me, is that we have kids. Sooo, whether we're married, or not, I still have to live with the a-hole in my life.

Karema Posted 25 Sep 2008 , 1:45pm
post #26 of 42

sooooo... I spoke to dear hubby and let him know that I'm just really angry, frustrated, and depressed. I told him I dont want to do this anymore and I'm tired of him risking the whole family for this job that is not getting him anywhere. I'm also tired of him not helping in the house and just sitting around not doing anything. I told him I shouldnt have to ask him to do anything because he is grown. He agreed and said that he I shouldnt have to ask him to do stuff and he should act mature and do it on his own. I totally agreed. I told him that I'm trusting him to make the right decision about the job and if he doesnt do somthing quick we are going to lose everything. I told him I am going to stop saying anything about it. I told him that he better take care of it and fast or he wont have a family. He said he would so I'm going to leave him alone. We will see what will happen. I told him its just not about he job it's everything. I cant take the laziness anymore. I let him know that I'm not perfect and I'm messy too but we have to work together because we both cant be messy and only have one person cleaning. Especially when our kids try to destroy the house. We have to work together as a team and pull this stuff together or just let it go and both do what we have to do to give our children the best life possible. We will see what happens!

michellenj Posted 25 Sep 2008 , 2:09pm
post #27 of 42

I hope it works out for you.

sweettoothmom Posted 25 Sep 2008 , 6:11pm
post #28 of 42

karema,
good luck to you both. Really I wish you the absolute best.

sweettoothmom Posted 25 Sep 2008 , 6:22pm
post #29 of 42

{/quote]Geez, sweettoothmom, how did you stand it for 10 years?!?! After 2 months of marriage, 3 years of ruining my life, and no cheating, I'm ready to throttle my DH. I would too, but if I go to jail he'll get the kids and I will die before that happens.


[/quote]So, I guess mine is technically an "8 second marriage" icon_lol.gif

And my DH is short and I hate that! I love love love high heels. So this works out perfectly. icon_evil.gif



The only problem with that advice, for me, is that we have kids. Sooo, whether we're married, or not, I still have to live with the a-hole in my life.[/quote]

No I dont think your marriage is an 8 second marriage. I refer to people who amrry and within a samll time frame of a year or less they are divorcing. I used Britney as my example. Her first marriage lasted what 24 hours??? icon_redface.gif How embarrassing!! I hope you didnt think I was intending that toward you.

Love the part about the heels!!!

He will forever be in your life. He is the father of your children no matter what his bad habits are. A hole or not, married or not married, u will have to find a way to get along with him for the sake of the kids. It makes me want to cry when I see kids in the middle of a bad divorce. It grownup biz not for a children. They just are not prepared nor should they be prepared for such a mature topic. It sounds liek you are really grounded and can handle it well. I fear he wont. It sounds like he is stuck in a rut and to lazy to pull himself out. You will be pushing him out. Forcing him out of the comfort zone. He will fight it tooth and nail I bet. Stay strong there mommy. Sending the best of wishes your way! icon_biggrin.gif

Amia Posted 25 Sep 2008 , 6:35pm
post #30 of 42
Quote:
Originally Posted by sweettoothmom



No I dont think your marriage is an 8 second marriage. I refer to people who amrry and within a samll time frame of a year or less they are divorcing. I used Britney as my example. Her first marriage lasted what 24 hours??? icon_redface.gif How embarrassing!! I hope you didnt think I was intending that toward you.

Love the part about the heels!!!

He will forever be in your life. He is the father of your children no matter what his bad habits are. A hole or not, married or not married, u will have to find a way to get along with him for the sake of the kids. It makes me want to cry when I see kids in the middle of a bad divorce. It grownup biz not for a children. They just are not prepared nor should they be prepared for such a mature topic. It sounds liek you are really grounded and can handle it well. I fear he wont. It sounds like he is stuck in a rut and to lazy to pull himself out. You will be pushing him out. Forcing him out of the comfort zone. He will fight it tooth and nail I bet. Stay strong there mommy. Sending the best of wishes your way! icon_biggrin.gif




Thanks! I know you weren't referring to me...I was just kidding. icon_smile.gif But it technically is one haha. I don't care, better to get out now than to drag it out and make it just that much harder. It was his idea to get married, which surprised me (and that's probably why I agreed to it) because we'd been engaged for 3 years. My parents divorced and stayed best friends. That will not be happening with my DH unless he makes some major changes. And it's such crap to say people can't change. I change all the time. I'm not the same person I was a year ago, or 5 years ago and I won't be the same a year from now.

Anyway, I've totally hijacked this thread. Sorry Karema! I really hope things work out for you. If you guys can make it work, then that is awesome, but if you're truly unhappy, I always think it's better to cut your losses. The longer you stay, the harder it is to admit to yourself that you want out and the harder it is to take that step to actually get out.

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