Odd Way Of Being "asked" To Do A Delayed Reception

Decorating By GenGen Updated 5 Aug 2008 , 9:35pm by GenGen

GenGen Posted 4 Aug 2008 , 8:22am
post #1 of 39

bit of a history here first.. the bride in the center of things just graduated a few months ago.. she and siblings grew up the last 7 years with mine; and before we moved here, we visited tons with them... in all the years we all were practically family as close as everyone was and all things we've done for one another..

flash back to a week ago... well a week ago tomorrow... this time at night.. i get an email announcing the bride (above) had gotten married the day before; the groom was the son of my husbands coworker/former boss... planning had gone on for almost a week; not a word mentioned to us at all.. was told in the email the wedding was so short notice they just had immediate family present..

ok 1. i had No problem not being invited to the wedding.. though i'm not a professional cake decorator etc; having been a member here has helped me understand alot better how hectic etc weddings can be.. i wasn't hurt not being invited to the wedding..

i was hurt not being told and left out of the chance to share in some sort of way the joy of her being married. now this isn't all the brides fault.. and please dont take this the wrong way, its mostly the MOB's.. she's the one who all these years was well my closest friend here (where we live)..

and for the MOB not to even just say "hey my daughters getting married.. unfortunately we are on such short notice we're hving just family present but i just wanted to share the excitement with you"... i got a delayed email and pics of the bride and groom also via email. no phone call no personal notice..

Now to the point of the post i come home to this email: keep in mind i was not asked to do a cake for them at all prior to this email:


Hey Gail, we're thinking wedding cake for her (local town name) reception. Here are a few designs she likes (4 pics sent in email)......What do ya think? Easy to make and would you have time? We will need to feed about 30 people I would guess. So they could be scaled down...Maybe 40. I'll ask for RSVP's. I have to all Wwp tomorrow to see if the date they want is open. Reception will probably be Sept. 7th (a Sunday)

name and location changed is all.. the pics she sent were:

they are beyond my current skill level, if i can get her to chose some simpler designs i can do i may do it. i'm still not wholeheartedly into it right now. guess i'm just being petty.

i hope i dont sound like a terrible person. the mob was some one i considered a close friend for a long time. (there have been other factors lately that have led up to feeling like this too)

38 replies
veejaytx Posted 4 Aug 2008 , 8:41am
post #2 of 39

No, you aren't being petty, I'd be upset with that kind of deal too. I just have to ask, is she wanting you to do the cake free? As a gift? If so, I'd probably say no myself. That isn't very nice of the MOB to leave you out and then not even actually talk to you, IMHO, and your certainly are not obligated to make this cake.

The cakes in the photos are all gorgeous, but if you feel they aren't within your skill range, I can understand some of your reluctance. (I just looked at your cakes, and not sure why you couldn't make a simplified version of any one of the ones she likes, you do very nice work!)

If you really don't want to get involved in this situation, stiffen your backbone and tell the MOB you are too busy, have other plans, or just the plain truth...that you are hurt that you weren't even considered close enough to family to be told the news ahead of time.

A very tough call, to do or don't do, just go with your true feelings.

thecreativeone4 Posted 4 Aug 2008 , 8:46am
post #3 of 39

Personally, I think I'd have plans already for that date... but if you feel you can do it... (i liked a few of those cakes and would love to have a reason to do them icon_smile.gif ) then I would charge them out the wazoo for it. JMO... And I would deliver then leave unless I recieved and invite!?


CakeWhizz Posted 4 Aug 2008 , 8:50am
post #4 of 39
Originally Posted by thecreativeone4

Personally, I think I'd have plans already for that date... but if you feel you can do it... (i liked a few of those cakes and would love to have a reason to do them icon_smile.gif ) then I would charge them out the wazoo for it. JMO... And I would deliver then leave unless I recieved and invite!?


I completely agree!

GenGen Posted 4 Aug 2008 , 8:53am
post #5 of 39

i might just indeed have plans.. i may have to work. most of the ladies i work with have kids and can't work on weekends due to no one to watch them, and the only other lady there that doesn't have kids who could work- can't because she works the day shift- i'd be coming in on the night lol.. also why i end up working weekends sick often. no one "can" or will cover for me.

MikeRowesHunny Posted 4 Aug 2008 , 8:59am
post #6 of 39

Firstly, does she make cakes for a living? If not, then how does she know these are simple to do?! This type of 'simple' cake has to be very well executed to look good because there is little room for error or 'cover up', so they do take time to do well! Secondly, is she expecting you to do this for free? I see no mention of payment. Thirdly, I have friends like this, and I never give anyone more than a 10% discount on price. Do this cake if you want, but her attitude so far would make me also too busy/booked on that date!

PS I've looked at your photos, and your work is good! Have you worked with fondant before? I can't see any in your pics, and I'm not sure I'd want my first attempt to be with a wedding cake (but hey, if it's for free, then it won't matter too much, right icon_twisted.gif ?!)

marknelliesmum Posted 4 Aug 2008 , 9:05am
post #7 of 39

Yea I agree too! You're not being petty. I don't want this to sound mean so please take it the way it is intended - If you were not worthy of a simple phonecall to keep you in the loop why are you suddenly worthy enough to do the cake? They are either grossly insensitive, not to mention ignorant or they are so egocentric that they are completely unaware as to how hurtful and inappropriate their actions have been. I too would be hurt, and would say no. Should you choose to do the cake - entirely your choice (you are probably a more forgiving person then me, scorpio trait i'm afraid icon_lol.gif ) I would say the second would be the easiest IMO. Smoothly rolled fondant and random embelishments - no measuring or need for great accuracy. I only ever cover with fondant so maybe that influences my choice. I would totally avoid the black n white one - it's a nightmare sticking black fondant on to white without getting big grey marks all over the white.

Just my opinion but you deserve to be treated way better than this.

GenGen Posted 4 Aug 2008 , 9:41am
post #8 of 39

thanks for all the input, honestly i do appreciate it all. i've done some small work with fondant.. mostly figurines.. i've not covered a whole cake with it though.. yah shocking isn't it lol. just never had any orders for fondant up here. most folks where i live i hear dont like fondant, i dont think they've tried mmf lol. i did introduce a decorator who worked at the local bakery for years before it shut down a couple years ago- to this place (Cakecentral And MMF) haven't heard bak yet if she likes the mmf yet.

GenGen Posted 4 Aug 2008 , 9:47am
post #9 of 39

i've said it before in other threads, but due to the late hour and i'm tired from work earlier lol i neglectfully forgotto add that in the past this friend and i exchanged the value. i always did cakes for her at cost,she'd purchase most of the supplies for me and for "labor" she'd give me the value in candles lol she has a home decor/candle business.. she was fair in the value of candles i got. i could have got money from her but was content with candles.

terribly sorry for forgetting to include this earlier. do forgive my late night lapse icon_smile.gif

i probably would have worked more with fondant by now if there had been a demand/need for it..

i just turned down doing her daughters graduation cake this last june.. well the daughter that just got married.

the only reason i'd consider doing this. is i have't made a cake in a while and the itch is calling......... its a curse

Relznik Posted 4 Aug 2008 , 10:31am
post #10 of 39

There's the thing... you weren't even ASKED to make the cake for the delayed reception. You were TOLD what designs they like and how many it's for.

You didn't even get something along the lines of "We're so sorry we weren't able to invite you to the wedding, but wondered if you would do us the honour of making the cake for the reception".

Peronally, I'd be busy watching paint dry that day! icon_wink.gif

Suzanne x

jmt1714 Posted 4 Aug 2008 , 10:40am
post #11 of 39

she wasn't told, she was asked "would you have time?"

I don't get being hurtabout not being told about the wedding. if everything was planned and done within a week, they had a ton of stuff to deal with. I'm planning my own wedding right now, and I can tell you (even with more time to plan it), I don't have a whole lot of free time these days.

I'm going to have to disagree with the others here because it seems like you are making this about you being hurt, and i just don't see where anyone has done anything wrong.

If you want to make the cake, go for it, and if you don't, don't. But that shouldn'thave anything to do with the fact that you didn't know about the wedding ahead of time.

Relznik Posted 4 Aug 2008 , 10:46am
post #12 of 39
Originally Posted by jmt1714

she wasn't told, she was asked "would you have time?"

You're right. Sorry, I didn't read it properly.

But I maintain that the tone of the email expects her to do it.

I'd still be busy.

I don't think GenGen is hurt that she wasn't at the wedding. She's hurt that no-one saw fit to tell her about it, prior to the event.

"GenGen... OMG! Guess what? X is getting married. Isn't that wonderful? We're so excited. Look, I really hope you understand - you how much we love you and that you're like family to us - but it's going to be a very small affair. They've decided that they're only having immediate family there. But hopefully they'll be having a reception to celebrate next month and we'd love it if you could come and maybe do us the honour of making the cake?"

THAT'S all it would have taken. Well, from how I read it, anyway.

edited to add that the above should have been a phonecall, not an email, too! icon_wink.gif

marknelliesmum Posted 4 Aug 2008 , 11:11am
post #13 of 39

jmt1714 said


I don't get being hurtabout not being told about the wedding. if everything was planned and done within a week, they had a ton of stuff to deal with. I'm planning my own wedding right now, and I can tell you (even with more time to plan it), I don't have a whole lot of free time these days.

GenGen said


in all the years we all were practically family as close as everyone was

We are all different and maybe jmt1714, this scenario wouldn't hurt you, but clearly it has (unwittingly perhaps) hurt GenGen and based on her quote above that is why she is hurt.

No matter how busy someone is i don't think it is too much to expect a little common courtesy whether that be sharing the news or apologising for the oversight- to launch straight into dealings regarding the cake is IMO rude and very insensitive - but that's just my opinon based on the type of person I am. Like I said we are all different...what devastates or upsets one of us doesn't bother another - that's life. Maybe we all need to be a bit more sensitive or less sensitive towards others. Just my opinion

mbh724 Posted 4 Aug 2008 , 11:50am
post #14 of 39

jmt1714 - I gotta agree with you on this one. Life is short - I don't see what the big deal is. Putting together even a small wedding in a week had to be a major undertaking. I'm sure they didn't send out any announcements - if they had started e-mailing people just to let them know, where does it end? That would have started a whole thing of "why didn't I get an e-mail" by some friends and family members. I'm sure they planned on announcing it after the fact and having the reception.

If you don't want to do the cake, that is certainly your choice but I wouldn't take offense where none was intended.

SweetResults Posted 4 Aug 2008 , 12:08pm
post #15 of 39

I think you really need to TALK to her first.

Who knows why they got married so quick? Could be some sad family reason - his father is dying, he joined the army and is being shipped out, she is pregnant (not that that is awful) and they wanted to get married asap or something really crazy that caused the short notice, and maybe she was NOT happy about it happening so fast, was embarrassed that she could not invite whom she wanted or help plan the way she wanted. She may be as unhappy as you the way things turned out and didn't know how to tell you about it. Maybe she felt if she acted casual about it she would make it sound like no big deal that you missed out and not make you feel bad. I'm not saying what she did was right or that I would not be bothered, I probably would be.

My college roommate did not invite me for her son's 1st birthday, I introduced her to her DH, he was a good friend of my husband, without me there would be no baby, she is the Godmother of my son, never heard a word about the first birthday until after I was sent a thank you note for the gift I sent with a picture of the baby with a small round cake from the supermarket in front of him. And some friends of ours were invited to their house on his birthday with her family. I was very hurt, so I get where you are coming from. So I am going to tell you do do what I say, not what I do LOL! I have NOT called her, nor have I heard from her. Very sad.

So call her and find out what the real deal is, is she really happy about all this, is she trying to put on a brave face? I feel for you, tough situation.

Although, if you are not invited to the reception, I don't think I could bring myself to make the cake. The email DEFINITELY could have been written much more thoughtfully!

indydebi Posted 4 Aug 2008 , 12:12pm
post #16 of 39
Originally Posted by bonjovibabe

Firstly, does she make cakes for a living? If not, then how does she know these are simple to do?!

My thoughts exactly .... a fondant covered topsy turvy cake? omg, I've been doing cakes for years and I wouldn't attempt one of these! icon_eek.gif

I would also be concerned about her expectations .... she submitted pics of 3 tier cakes ... to serve 40???? I know she acknowledged they'd have to be cut down in size, but she already thinks they're "pretty simple" .... can she really envision the difference between what she wants and what she'll end up getting?

When I read the tone of the "request", I also felt that the MOB was pretty much assuming it was a dun-deal, and the "would you have time" was just thrown in to be polite. That's just how it came across to me.

grami948 Posted 4 Aug 2008 , 1:02pm
post #17 of 39

I don't have any idea of your friendship, it's full history or even the full info no what happened dealing with the wedding since you haven't talked with MOB. I respect that fact. Only suggestion I would have is to consider carefully if you can do the cake with *nothing* but love... no anger, hurt feelings or resentment. If not, then you might want to give serious consideration to *not* doing it. Wouldn't want to see your wonderful work muted by emotion. Just a thought & know you'll make the right decision. thumbs_up.gif

sjmoral Posted 4 Aug 2008 , 2:10pm
post #18 of 39

I just want to say there are several reasons on why she didn't invite you, and it shouldn't mean she doesn't consider you a good friend. And you said you are the MOB's friend, she might not had a say on who to invite to the flash wedding. Maybe they went somewhere to celebrate after the wedding and were on a very tight budget (the person paying can have a say on how many to invite I guess). I would be honored if they wanted me to make her wedding cake but that is just me, I can't say no. Just don't do it for free or you'll be in a viscious circle forever. Tell her they take a lot of time and are not simple/easy to make and charge her accordingly, if she's interested in your price make it, if not just say thanks for considering me for your special day cake!

GenGen Posted 4 Aug 2008 , 3:57pm
post #19 of 39

i've said several times i was not hurt about not being invited to the wedding.. and i'm still not hurt about not being invited to the wedding. i was hurt about a close friend for many many years; we were also close to their other family members; i got emails saying oh things are busy busy; got family coming in town wow etc..

to clarify for some; yes this is partialy about being hurt, about being not told about an important part of some one's life happening (not just the ceremony itself) and suddenly "oh how this sound?"

i'm not griping or bellyaching just venting. if it makes one feel better to critisize me for feeling this way; we're all entitled. i just thought some one would understand while i vented.

Thank you to everyone for listening.

if no one minds i think this topics done now and can be locked deleted or which ever is done. I appreciate everyone's input, honestly.

BARBARAJEAN Posted 4 Aug 2008 , 5:27pm
post #20 of 39

If I were you I would make the cake. I would pick one of the ones with the polka dots and stripes. I would make from buttercream using MMF for the stripes and dots. If people in your area are not used to fondant, they will be very happy with this plan.

As far as your hurt feelings go....you will get over that. Hurting back has really never made hurt feelings go away. When I got married I really did not want the expense of a big to do. We just had immediate family. My friends understood that that is what I wanted.....EXCEPT for one who has not spoken to me since, other than to bitch me out because she felt so left out.

Whatever the reasons, and I think there were reasons, please don't let your friend down. It won't make you feel better and may cause permanent damage to an otherwise good relationship. Give her the benefit of a doubt this time and talk to her about it privately later when you don't feel so hurt. (I'm not Ann Landers, but this is my opinion)

BARBARAJEAN Posted 4 Aug 2008 , 5:35pm
post #21 of 39

Oh good grief, leave it to me to add when you want no more additions. Sorry I started this before I went to lunch and finished when I came back.

GenGen Posted 4 Aug 2008 , 5:46pm
post #22 of 39

oh i realise the feelings will go away and as i said i was mostly venting in an area i thought i'd be semi understood lol. oh well

and by all means, once again i was not upset at all about not being invited. just that she didnt bother saying at all in some way, she was getting married in the first place. the mom knows i'm understanding of their family ways and situations etc. and i understand now and would have then about not being invited to the wedding. that part was never a problem still isnt as i've mentioned.

SHE was hurt when one of our neighbors didnt tell her they were getting married, long time neighbors, not buddy buddy friends but you live in a small area, clost knit, everyone looks out for one another and takes care of one another..

i think the big lesson i learned is to just keep my mouth shut lol. Ah well. i still appreciate everyone's thoughts opinions and contributions.

akgirl10 Posted 4 Aug 2008 , 5:50pm
post #23 of 39

I don't think I would do it. Have you actually received an invite to the reception? If not, then you're right, it is a strange way to be "invited" to the reception. I know people get caught up in the wedding planning, but it seems like your friend only contacted you because she needs a cake. And if I were asking someone to make me a cake I would call them.

GenGen Posted 4 Aug 2008 , 5:54pm
post #24 of 39

yes, we were invited in the email that informed us the daughter was married.

and last nite i sent about a couple dozen other pics,examples to her of cake styles i could do, no they weren't my cakes, just styles i could work with, and yes she knows those cakes weren't mine. if she chooses one of those designs i'll probably do the cake. i just dont think i can do it from the four examples she sent me.

if she chooses one of the examples i sent last nite, i'll give proper credit to the cake decorator who inspired the design originally, i promise.

akgirl10 Posted 4 Aug 2008 , 6:03pm
post #25 of 39

Well, she's lucky to have a friend like you! Happy caking, make sure you post a pictureicon_smile.gif.

mbh724 Posted 4 Aug 2008 , 6:28pm
post #26 of 39

I looked at your photos and you do beautiful work. I'm sure you will make a lovely cake if you decide to make it. I certainly didn't want to make you feel like I was putting you down in my first post - I was only trying to have you look at things from a different point of view. I really don't think your friend intended on hurting your feelings.

Best wishes.

GenGen Posted 4 Aug 2008 , 10:32pm
post #27 of 39

honestly i do try to look at all angles and such before i react. many i know irl think i react on a trigger when i study things carefully.. there's obviously more to the neighbor relationship witht this person but we'd all be old(er) and grey(er) lol by the time it was related.. one thing we Have learned is that if its not about them- or their kids- they aren't interested (which is true for many of us i do admit) and thanks for the compliments on my work. they aren;t all my best nor all of my work.. i take as many pics as i can of my cakes- i've just some how lost a grand portion of them.. thats the downside of the digital/computer world icon_sad.gif

DecoratingDingbat Posted 5 Aug 2008 , 9:00am
post #28 of 39

I know you wanted this put to rest .... but hey, I've always been a selective listener. icon_razz.gif

I just wanted you to know that I understand what and where you meant the hurt came from. I'm glad you have seemed to put the feelings on the back shelf for now, I have to admit I'm not sure I would have been able to muster that. I have found out things 'later' about very close (or so I thought) friends, and yes it hurts for them to not consider sharing with me during the important and festive times. I dare say a few certainly do think to 'share' their moving dates, or 'short on cash' days. I have to say I'm not impressed with Email invitations - I'll accept them, but they don't sit well with me. Too impersonal for functions they usually expect a personal gift be given.

This is a little off topic, but here's a real kick in the a$$! My 79 yr old Grandmother and I were just kicking around her house one day, and I asked how Uncle was doing? He's her only son, my only uncle and he lives about a 3hr drive away in a different city. Keep in mind she is 79 - only son and he's now 48yrs old himself and never been married.
"Oh ... he's good dear, he just got married last month." She said this so matter of fact ... I'm staring at her, my mind racing to think if she had made the trip and I forgot ... no ... "WHAT?! .. duh .. he got married?!"
"Yes.. he and (long time girlfriend) got married (whatever date)"
"Did you go?"
"Ummm... no I wasn't invited" KNOCK ME OVER!!!! then she adds, in the same 'tea time' tone of voice.... "actually I wasn't even told about it until the next week"
Now you have to understand my Grandmother and her generation of 'be brave' and 'don't show emotions - especially uncomfortable ones'
I spoke to her about it a couple of times and she admitted it hurt, she can't figure out why she wouldn't have been invited - EXCEPT... "it was all very hurried, and they just had her daughter and his close friend present"
THEN THEY SENT HER THE PICTUERS! This was in NO way a hurried wedding!! They had approx. 100-150 people, some from across the Country in attendance! NOT ONE of his family members were invited or present. We all agree (like you with your situation) niece, sisters not being invited is whatever...yes a call would have been nice,but again ..whatever BUT not to call or invite his MOM???!! Really WTF?! tapedshut.gif
I haven't spoken with him since - when I did see them again I literally just walked away from them as if they didn't exhist - couldn't even manage a smile.
I cannot EVER justify this, especially when I was the one sitting with my Grandma - his 79 yr old Mother - while she started to cry while we looked at the photos. The realization that she had been lied to - ignored - excluded and basically just kicked in the heart by her only son was devestating for her!

Didn't mean to 'go on', but some people and the insensitivity they show others makes me spit! I am so angered at this, that I WANT to see them again so I can ignore them again! icon_mad.gificon_evil.gif

ummm... thanks for listening.

DecoratingDingbat Posted 5 Aug 2008 , 4:44pm
post #29 of 39

I think fate was tempted when I added my 2cents. This morning I check my Email and was sent pictures of a Birthday party for a friends daughter. I worked with this lady for over 10yrs, attended many, many outside functions together (driving eachother etc.), I hosted a shower when she adopted her daughter, friends with her Mother - etc. etc.
Our daughters are in the same age range and she's always been invited to our parties (they are only 3 however)
I'm still shocked at this and I'm fighting the impulse to respond - something like " cute ... our invite must have been lost in the mail?" I don't understand why anyone would think that someone whom wasn't invited would appreciate the pictures - of everyone else having a good time? Oh well ... I suppose I'm just lucky she didn't ask me to do the cake!

GenGen Posted 5 Aug 2008 , 5:05pm
post #30 of 39

well the feelings we've discussed lol so far are still on hold, semi simmering. i sent her a reply to that infamous email with 2 dozen examples of what i could do (yes i clarified there and here they weren't My cakes and if one was chosen would be given proper credit to) and then i found a few more and sent those on over to her yesterday; both Still no reply and yes she's been home. she lives across the street. its not like she can "miss me"..she has to drive Past my house to get to Hers lol.

so..... i guess its stay tuned. (starting to feel like i'm in a soap opera.....)

did i mention i hate soaps? Nothing personal to those who do. i dont mind others liking them.

I feel for your grandma.. my father did the same thing with his 2 wife (3rd marriage, mom and dad married twice)

i find out six months AFTER the wedding. they'd been together since i was 13 so... not like they had an excuse to not tell me.. my brother sure new.. my half sister knew (she's not even his kid; he treats her more like his child then me.. and no i'm not being petty when i state that) but i digress.

I really feel for grandma.. i've seen this same thing happen far too many times.

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