Sex At 40 Or Lack There Of..is It Just Me???

Lounge By Kiddiekakes Updated 5 Aug 2008 , 9:19pm by Kiddiekakes

Kiddiekakes Posted 3 Aug 2008 , 4:11pm
post #1 of 27

Hi All,


I will be 40 this year and have 2 wonderful children....They problem is I just have no desire for sex anymore.My Dr. says it is totally common for women our age and have had children to have no labido icon_redface.gif .My hubby is constantly saying we have to have more sex and I know he is right but I just have no interest!!! Is it me or What?? Hubby pouts if I don't want to and will basically ignore me with this you don't care/love me attitude which really gets me angry and makes me not want to do anything at all icon_mad.gif ...I have had anxiety so bad a few years ago I was on Paxil to try and eleviate it..I have since gotten off it about 8 months ago and hubby says I have been uninterested since then.Any insight! Is this normal?



Sexless in Canada icon_cry.gif

Laurel icon_wink.gif

26 replies
Ruby2uesday Posted 3 Aug 2008 , 6:00pm
post #2 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kiddiekakes

Hi All,

.My Dr. says it is totally common for women our age and have had children to have no labido
Laurel icon_wink.gif




I think you need to press your doctor into finding something to help! just blowing it off as being common is not the answer. that's blowing YOU off! if they didn't try and do something, or try and help you find real answers i'd be finding a new doctor! that's what they get paid, A LOT, for!!!


eta: have you thought about talking to a counselor/therapist? if it'd gotten to that point?

good luck to you!
ruby (31yo)

peg818 Posted 3 Aug 2008 , 6:00pm
post #3 of 27

well, sometimes we let life get in the way of our intimate relations. And that sounds like what is happening to you, with small children and a house to take care of, perhaps a job out side of the home on top of that, and you just kind of forget to take care of hubby.

Well, this may sound very old fashioned, but sometimes you just have to give it up whether you want to or not. Just to make him happy, hopefully after you get things started you will get more in to it and it won't be such a chore. But there are times it is just one more chore to be taken care of, then of course you get to sleep icon_wink.gif

Cakepro Posted 3 Aug 2008 , 6:17pm
post #4 of 27

I really think you should see another doctor and find out the real source of your lack of libido. Maybe it's physical, maybe it's psychological, but it doesn't sound normal to be disinterested for 8 months....maybe when you're PMS'ing, sure, but that's a couple of days a month. 8 months sounds really serious. icon_sad.gif

I hope you get it worked out.

indydebi Posted 3 Aug 2008 , 10:25pm
post #5 of 27

I agree ... see another doctor. This doctor is blowing you off, so tell him to blow!!

There are so many factors that can impact this. SOmething as simple as low blood sugar to more serious issues.

Each person is different ... there is no "normal"!! icon_mad.giftapedshut.gif Some women (and men) slow down at 40-50. I tell all of my friends, "You know that old wives' tale about women peaking at 40? It ain't no wives tale!!" icon_rolleyes.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gif

And look, I"m going to bare my soul here ..... during my first marriage, that dragged (drug?) out for 10 years, I HATED sex! I thought it was something people did only because you were suppose to pretend to like it so I just figured everyone was pretending because it was horrible!

Got divorced, met current hubby, and found out "oh THIS is what everyone is talking about!!!" icon_biggrin.gif So it wasn't that I hated sex ... it's just that the ex-husband was really really bad at it!! icon_lol.gif

tchrmom Posted 4 Aug 2008 , 12:55am
post #6 of 27

Actually, Paxil usually has that effect. I would have guessed that stopping it would help. I'd definitely get a 2nd opinion and be sure to tell him/her about ALL this-- including any meds you are currently on. There are all sorts that have weird side effects. Good luck.

Texas_Rose Posted 4 Aug 2008 , 1:21am
post #7 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by peg818


Well, this may sound very old fashioned, but sometimes you just have to give it up whether you want to or not. Just to make him happy, hopefully after you get things started you will get more in to it and it won't be such a chore. But there are times it is just one more chore to be taken care of, then of course you get to sleep icon_wink.gif




That's really true. Sometimes it's great and sometimes it's a chore. It's one of those jobs that you don't want outsourced, though, so it's always worth making some time to do it.

melodyscakes Posted 4 Aug 2008 , 2:14am
post #8 of 27

I take medication, like paxil and it has that effect on me.
I'm 36 and have been taking meds for 4 years.
hubby gets frusterated. with out the meds I am horrible and want to hurt him...not love him haha
with the meds I have no sex drive.
Dr. says there's not much meds for the low libido for women. sigh.



good luck.


melody

indydebi Posted 4 Aug 2008 , 2:19am
post #9 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by melodyscakes

Dr. says there's not much meds for the low libido for women.




So Viagra is making record profits/sales, and women "just have to deal with it."

Anyone besides me see a social imbalance here? icon_confused.gif

tchrmom Posted 4 Aug 2008 , 2:37am
post #10 of 27

Melody-There are other meds than Paxil-- and not all have that effect on everyone. Have you discussed these with your doctor? I wouldn't tell you what to take, but maybe something else would work on the depression without so many side effects.?

Good luck.

Cakepro Posted 4 Aug 2008 , 2:57am
post #11 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by indydebi

Quote:
Originally Posted by melodyscakes

Dr. says there's not much meds for the low libido for women.



So Viagra is making record profits/sales, and women "just have to deal with it."

Anyone besides me see a social imbalance here? icon_confused.gif




That's because there are fundamental physiological differences in sexually making a man 'work' and making a woman 'work.'

This is NOT a men vs women issue. Viagra gives men a stiffy. Men think with their ****s anyway so no brains are involved. Get it up and it's good to go.

For us, it's 90% in the brain to begin with. True, that week before ovulation is when we are physically programmed to be seeking sperm, but the other 3 weeks of the month, it starts in the brain.

Come on....let's not try to make this a feminist issue when it is not.

kimmypooh79 Posted 4 Aug 2008 , 3:45am
post #12 of 27

I'm 28 and have no interest in sex really. Have been this way since my DD was born 3 years ago. DH is really understanding considering. He doesn't guilt me or play the "you don't love me" card. He does worry that I don't find him attractive anymore though. It a true blue case of the "It's not you...it's me" syndrome. He just takes it when he can get it.

michellenj Posted 4 Aug 2008 , 1:01pm
post #13 of 27

I wish there was a drug that you could take to get you in the mood. My sex drive is low, and I find that the happier that I am with my life, the more likely I am to want it. Or, me feeling fat=no sex for dh. If there was a drug like Viagra for women, you know that men would be finding ways to slip it into our drinks or food!

kimmypooh79 Posted 4 Aug 2008 , 2:16pm
post #14 of 27

lol....no doubt they'd at least try.

michellenj Posted 4 Aug 2008 , 4:25pm
post #15 of 27

Can you imagine if they made a chocolate bar with Viagra in it? Mmmmm. icon_lol.gif

toodlesjupiter Posted 4 Aug 2008 , 9:34pm
post #16 of 27

I don't know how true it is (another question for doc), but I've heard that Viagra has helped to boost some women's libidos. Especially when connected to antidepressants. Here's a link:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/hsn/20080723/hl_hsn/viagramayboostfemalelibidoinsomecases;_ylt=ArZaT2V0ywg4auxvuWPP08jrSLYF

JodieF Posted 4 Aug 2008 , 11:33pm
post #17 of 27

I'm with Indy...was married for 22 years to the first hubby...I NEVER liked sex....avoided it if I could and just pretty much put up with it. He said I was frigid. When I met my DH, when we came to that point in our relationship I explained that I was frigid and such....*lol* turns out it wasn't me after all!

Of course, I was lovin' the experience of great lovin' for once in my life, then the DH developed low testosterone and lost ALL HIS DRIVE! Took 4 years to correctly diagnose. Now he's on TRT and is his old self again.

I do suggest though, very seriously, that you have all your hormones checked. You can't imagine how badly you're affected when your levels are off.

Jodie

melodyscakes Posted 4 Aug 2008 , 11:58pm
post #18 of 27

I've tried several different meds...all the same affect on me....bummer.
like I said, with out them I can't even stand to be around me.

kimmypooh79 Posted 5 Aug 2008 , 2:50pm
post #19 of 27

Oh man!!! I think some of us would be become nymphomaniac chocoholics!!!

toodlesjupiter Posted 5 Aug 2008 , 3:06pm
post #20 of 27

Has someone been slipping viagra into my chocolate?

luelue1971 Posted 5 Aug 2008 , 3:25pm
post #21 of 27

When my dd was about 7 months old I saw my doctor about this very problem. It was to the point that I would cry at the mention of sex.

My wonderful doctor gave me a very low dosage shot of testosterone and my poor husband could not keep up. My drive was way excessive and quite "uncomfortable" for me. However since then I don't want to cry at the mention but I don't have that drive anymore.

My doc explained that its not something that you can do consistantly because well we don't want facial hair and such.

But that one dose did bring me out of my funk. The excessive drive lasted for about 2 weeks and then gradually faded but like I said it is MUCH better now than before that shot.

Pookie59 Posted 5 Aug 2008 , 3:42pm
post #22 of 27

Might be a hormone imbalance. Have you tried progesterone cream? I found that menopause left me with zero interest, but using progesterone cream (non-prescription) did help, but I sure don't have the interest I did pre-menopause. Husband does complain at times, but he's often too tired himself and last time I approached him he turned me down ("I have a headache"). Go figure.

kimmypooh79 Posted 5 Aug 2008 , 3:48pm
post #23 of 27

I wouldn't "do it" for a long time after my DD was born. I think I was sooooo paranoid about getting preggers again despite the fact that we were careful. Now though it's like, sex....again.....didn't we just do that like 2 weeks ago? And if I do get the urge my husband is at work and it's gone by the time he gets home......poor thing. LOL

mkolmar Posted 5 Aug 2008 , 4:14pm
post #24 of 27

My DH and I are very active in this department. We've been married for 11 1/2 years and still are after each other like crazy. That being said imagine my DH's shock when after baby #4 I was avoiding sex as much as possible. I'm not talking for a few weeks but for months. He finally confronted me and asked why. I had to tell him not only did I have sever baby blues but it hurt during our bedroom time like he was gutting me. He demanded I see a doctor and felt like an tapedshut.gif for inflicting this pain on me (In all fairness I never told him) He was so afraid he was hurting me. I went to the doctor and come to find out after the delivery of my son, I was stripped of all of my hormones. I was basically thrown into pre-menopause at the age of 27. I needed to be put on hormone replacement therapy but opted to do a cream instead because I was nursing. The first cream did absolutely nothing so I had to go get a stronger one. After a few weeks I noticed a slight difference. It took almost a year to get back to normal but I'm glad I went to the doctor. Luckily for me my doctor listened and didn't write me off as "you just had a baby a few months ago." Not only did the cream re-vive our sex lives but also relieved the depression I was going through since they were both related.
Go to a doctor and if they don't help you find one who will listen. This is your life and for someone to say that it just happens when you hit 40 is not investing time to find a real answer.

JodieF Posted 5 Aug 2008 , 5:21pm
post #25 of 27

People have NO idea how much their hormones affect everything in their body. Before my DH was finally diagnosed with low testosterone, he was put on blood pressure medication, medication for high cholesterol, anti-depressants and meds for high blood sugar. Since he's been put on testosterone replacement he is OFF all that other medication. All of those symptoms were cause by his testosterone being too low!

kakeladi Posted 5 Aug 2008 , 8:59pm
post #26 of 27

My DH went impotent around age 58. He hasn't touched me since then - more than 15 yrs icon_sad.gif
About a yr ago I went on meds for sleep disruption. They are know to increase sexual feelings. It's been hard on me - having desires and not being able to do anything about it. DH refuses to see a dr or try any thing.

Kiddiekakes Posted 5 Aug 2008 , 9:19pm
post #27 of 27

Well ladies I never knew!!! I'm glad I am not the only one....I plan to see the Dr. soon and talk with her about this.Early menopause does run in my family though as both my mom and Grandma hit it at about 40..My mom says grandma was a raving B%#$&!! I don't want to get like that either...It jsut seems since I had my kids and with both I tore from one end to the other it doesn't feel as good as say when you were hot and horny at 25...I feel stretched and stitched ..which I was and the feeling is not the same!!I love my hubby to death and he has been really understanding through out my whole ordeal with Anxiety/panic attacks when they came to a head almost 2 years ago..For that I am Thankful he never left because I was not myself at all..I was a zombie.witch!! It has been a tough road back to some sort of normalcy but will still never completely go away!! I only hope the sex will get better as he and I deserve it....I am glad to read I am not some sort of freak !!LOL

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