Troubles With Mom. Someone Help?

Lounge By BellaSweet Updated 14 Aug 2008 , 3:52pm by pkingham72

BellaSweet Posted 25 Jul 2008 , 9:04pm
post #1 of 28

Ok so here's the deal. I am 25 and am having super issues with my mom. The people in this story ar my 3 yr old daughter, me and my mom. I think DD is dear daughter same with DH dear husband.. If not someone please correct me . My mom has always been a strong part of my DD's life since she was born. We had never gotten along so great til DD was born. Anyhow as she got older, we wantedto really watch the things she was exposed to. Such as foul language, bad tv. My family and I are deeply devote to our relationship with God. And we encourage our daughter to know that she is a blessing and can have the same relationship with Christ as we have. Well lately my mom has been super out of line. She lives with her boyfriend who is STILL married!!! icon_eek.gificon_eek.gificon_eek.gif She tellsmy DD the craziest things that we just do not approve of. Ex: she ttok her picture one day and told her to pose sexy!!!! I mean COME ON!!!!!! She's 2. No 2 yr old should be told to be sexy!!!! Then she started to try getting her to keep secrets. My problem with that is, kids these days are more and more approached by people doing stuff to them or telling them crazy things. Then say it's a secret. If someone tells MY daughter something bad or does something to her, I don't need her thinking that secrets are ok. To make an already long story less long, we just don't approve of the way she is handling things. I have talked with her on several occasions and have asked her to please respect what we want for our daughter. And it is just getting worse. I just don't feel I can leave her alone with her. I just don't trust my mom. So when she comes over, she just goes to our daughter's room and plays with her. All she says is hi and bye. She also won't come unless my husband is gone. And if he happens to come home early, she will leave with in 15 minutes. She buys her the toys we don't approve of, clothes we don't approve of... etc. I'm not sure what kind of advice I am asking for. It's just getting to a point whereI just want to tell her that if she can't respect what we want for our DD, then she can't come over til she does. Becaause she doesn't seem to care what I say. Anyhow, if anyone wants to help me I would greatly appreciate it.

27 replies
BellaSweet Posted 25 Jul 2008 , 9:35pm
post #2 of 28

not trying to be impatient. But has anyone read this??? icon_sad.gificon_sad.gificon_sad.gif

DianeLM Posted 25 Jul 2008 , 9:46pm
post #3 of 28
Quote:
Quote:

I just want to tell her that if she can't respect what we want for our DD, then she can't come over til she does.




That's your answer.

I'm sorry your mom is being so difficult. This isn't exactly the picture-perfect family situation we all hope for and I'm sure it hurts.

Utlimately, you need to do what is best for your daughter and your immediate family. "Grandma" can have a strong influence on your daughter, so, if it's important to you, you need to put your foot down and not allow ANYONE to undermine your parenting. And it looks like it's very important to you.

Whatever your mom's motives are is secondary. You can explore that, or not, if you wish. What is primary is your commitment to your daughter to raise her the way you see fit. We can psychoanalyze mom until the cows come home, but that's not what's important RIGHT NOW. Right now, you need to keep mom away from your daughter until she agrees to abide by your family rules.

I wish you the best and hope you find a solution you and your hubby can be satisfied with.

If applicable, maybe you should consider talking to your pastor about it.

indydebi Posted 25 Jul 2008 , 9:54pm
post #4 of 28

similar but different issues .....

Pretty much it's "My kid ... my rules. You can't follow my rules ... you can't be around my kid."

Don't give me the crap about "but she's your mother" or "but she's her grandmother" because my response is first, "what exactly does that mean?" Does it mean that because she's the mother/grandmother, that she gets to do/say anything she wants? I say, "yes, she's the mother/grandmother and that means she should be MORE respectful of how I raise my children than some perfect stranger" ... and you would NEVER allow this from a stranger ... so why are you allowing it from a family member?

If it gets to the point where you cut off all ties because of this, then it's not YOU who cut the ties .... the person who is disrespectful and thumbs her nose at your rules for your child is the person who cut the ties.

It's not "My daughter wouldnt' let me be around my grandchild" ... the TRUE story would be "I have no desire to abide by their rules with their child."

When my sister's boys were small, she was a real nazi about seat belts. Our mother wouldn't enforce the rule, to the point of lying to the kids and telling them "Gramma's car doesnt' have seat belts so you don't have to use them" when they were just stuffed down in the seats. The result? Sisters boys were not allowed in gramma's car. Period. No Negotiation.

Visiting the child alone in the child's room? No way, babycakes. You want to visit with my child, then anything you do or say will be done in front of me ...where I WILL correct you and reprimand you for inappropriate behavior in front of my child.

You are no longer the child .... you are the parent.

Pookie59 Posted 25 Jul 2008 , 10:01pm
post #5 of 28

Cripes! I'd tell mom in no uncertain terms that unless she shapes up, she's not allowed to come over. Your daughter's well being is at stake here!

mkerton Posted 26 Jul 2008 , 2:16am
post #6 of 28

First of all even if your Mom lives with a married boyfriend and you don't agree, I dont see how that is really any part of the issue at ALL....first of all how she lives her life is her business and hers to answer to God someday (in my opinion)....so I dont even see why that was in the post your daughter is either 2 or 3 and at this point especially doesnt get that your mom is married or not or whatever.

On the issue of toys, is it possible she just doesnt get it? My MIL has the worlds best intentions she saved all her kids toys and loves to get them out for my kids, trouble is they are falling part, missing pieces or have small pieces and i would never let him play with these toys unattended, I watch him like a hawk, but she doesnt mean any harm at all, she raised all 5 of her kids with these toys and so to her they are perfectly fine. KWIM its not always malicious behavior.

Asking your child to keep secrets is out of line, unless of course they are planning a b-day surprise, I totally think you need to have a chat with your mom about that. And if you need to supervise their visits, then I would do that.

I guess in my opinion it comes down to this, does your daughter get any benefit at all from the relationship with your mother, if the answer is no, then maybe you did need to get her out of your daughters life, but if the answer is yes, then I would keep trying to educate your mother in whats appropriate and not, and supervise all the visits.

I just dont think children can have too many people in their lives who love them. Even if some of them are misguided. This does not mean that you should roll over and not have your wishes respected, I would just pick my battles.

BellaSweet Posted 26 Jul 2008 , 3:11am
post #7 of 28

The reason I put the part of her married live in boyfriend is that for some time she would our DD to call him Grampa Ben. Then I told her i didn't like that, she rerouted to Uncle Ben. I am not close to tis guy and neither is my daughter. That is my mom trying to push him on to her and vice versa. When my mom brings her personal life to me and my daughter, then it DOES become my business. If your mom were doing crack would you feel that she was a sufficient role model for your child. I did not want this to turn catty. And it doesn't need to. MKERTON, I understand that it may be none of my business. But she made it my business when she tried to involve my daughter. I am in no way trying to judge. You are right. That is God's duty, not mine. Everyone else thank you for the advice. I just talked to my husband tonight about me having a talk with my mom. And our daughter absolutely come first.

mkerton Posted 26 Jul 2008 , 3:29am
post #8 of 28

Honestly I wasn't trying to be catty, I was just saying that I dont find that to be the big issue, you didnt say in your post that you objected to your daughter calling him grandpa or uncle....just that they lived together. I am very religious, but I know that I cannot shelter my child from the ways of the world, when my kids get to be of an appropriate age, I plan to use examples that come up and explain what my views and beliefs are and why XYZ behavior doesnt fit into my morals and values... this was my point, at 2 or 3 your child cannot possibly be walking away thinking its ok to live with someone who is married to someone else (unless your 3 year old is much more advanced than mine anyway).

I am sorry that none of my advice warranted a thank you like everyone else did. Don't worry I will refrain from posting here again!

And come on now doing crack and living with a married man are very different circumstances........ where in my post could you possibly believe I would be ok with drug use???

In all sincerity I do hope you find the resolution with your Mother that you seek.

tracycakes Posted 26 Jul 2008 , 3:37am
post #9 of 28

Bellasweet, the best advice I can give you is to pray. God will provide you the answer and how to handle your mom and protect your daughter. I think you are getting some great advice but as a christian, you know that God has the only right answer.

I'm sorry you are having these difficulties with your mom. My situation was very different from yours but I struggled throughout my 20's with my relationship with my mom. {{{HUGS}}} to you.

Texas_Rose Posted 26 Jul 2008 , 4:49am
post #10 of 28

We have the opposite problem. My husband and I do not go to church, and will not go to church for personal reasons. My mom is always wanting to take my kids to church with her, and any time they misbehave, she says it's because they don't go to church. She was kind of weird sometimes about me and my sister when we were kids...two times at least that I needed medical attention because my sister had hurt me (once she stabbed me), and my mom said the reason I hurt was because I hadn't forgiven my sister yet, so God was punishing me, and once I forgave her, I would be healed. I don't want her getting weird like that with MY kids.

I still think it's a good idea for my kids to have a relationship with their grandparents. They don't have any sort of relationship with my husband's dad because my FIL is not a nice man and said terrible things to us when I had my tubes tied and I hadn't produced a son yet, and my husband didn't want his dad making our girls feel bad that they were girls. We severed our ties with my FIL when my oldest daughter was 3, and she still remembers him and asks us how her other grandpa is doing, and where he is.

fancyface Posted 26 Jul 2008 , 11:37am
post #11 of 28

Ok, not to be out of line here..... but did anyone else notice the part where gramma asked her grandaughter to "pose sexy" for a photo and is wanting her to "keep secrets??" , maybe Im being overly cautious & jumping the gun but that don't sit right with me.........? mabye you need to ask your daughter a few questions about what happens over at grandma's house , I am not trying to stir the pot but just looking at it from a different angle, hope everything works out with you mom tho, & yes you do have the right to be mad....
HTH
good luck
Michelle

lardbutt Posted 26 Jul 2008 , 2:54pm
post #12 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by fancyface

Ok, not to be out of line here..... but did anyone else notice the part where gramma asked her grandaughter to "pose sexy" for a photo and is wanting her to "keep secrets??" , maybe Im being overly cautious & jumping the gun but that don't sit right with me.........? mabye you need to ask your daughter a few questions about what happens over at grandma's house , I am not trying to stir the pot but just looking at it from a different angle, hope everything works out with you mom tho, & yes you do have the right to be mad....
HTH
good luck
Michelle



This is exactly what was bothering me too!

CakesByJen2 Posted 26 Jul 2008 , 5:02pm
post #13 of 28

I'm with Indydebi: my child, my rules. What is best for my children comes first. I think the things you have described are out-of-line and you have every reason to be concerned. Telling a 2 or 3 yo to "pose sexy" is disgusting. I think you've already answered your own question, though. If you have tried to talk to your mom in a calm, but direct way and spelled out what your rules are, and she still refuses to abide by them, then I would severly restrict contact. Definately keep visits less frequent, brief, and supervised.

Mike1394 Posted 26 Jul 2008 , 5:37pm
post #14 of 28

The problem isn't with your Mother it's with you. You set the guidelines that you want your child to be raised under. You need to step up, and tell your Mother if she can't abide by your rules well then tough. Your most important job in life is to make sure that child will grow up to be a productive respectful adult. You set the guidelines to make sure this happens. If someone is not following those guidelines well you know what you have to do. You are old enough to have the child........
Sorry if this sounds harsh. It's meant to though. Tomorrows kids are our only hope.

Mike

mocakes Posted 26 Jul 2008 , 7:48pm
post #15 of 28

BellaSweet...I'm with you.

You are her mother and it doesn't matter if anyone agrees with you or not...you do not have to explain yourself or justify your actions.

If you do not like the way someone is around your child, as her mom, you have every right to set boundaries, distance yourself....whatever you feel is necessary for the development of your child, morally, spiritually, emotionally...and so on.

I don't see it as you judging... your mother's choices absolutely effect you and your own family and the good news is that as a parent...the ball is always in your court! YOU decide what's best whether someone else thinks you are judging or not.

I would feel the exact same way. Stay true to yourself and your feelings.

BellaSweet Posted 26 Jul 2008 , 8:35pm
post #16 of 28

Mkerton, while doing crack and living with a married man is kinda oppostie ends of the prectrum... icon_lol.gificon_lol.gif , all I was trying to say is that whatever the situation, if I don't approve of it, it should not come up with my daughter. My daughter is the average child. But she also piks up on a lot tha we don't realize until later. Beyond the fact that he is married, we don't approve of premarital cohabitation. And my daughter is totoally into mommy and daddy are husband and wife. She understands the roles we play at home. She also knows that grama and grampa are not married. But questions why gramma is living with a man. Mkerton, I understand you may not be trying to get catty, however we all lose sight of emails and how anyone can be taken out of context. I totally agree with you about teaching with examples. Living in Austin TX their are a lot of examples icon_biggrin.gificon_biggrin.gif \\

Anyhow, I don't wanna lose sight of the original post. I kinda had an idea, of how I wanted to handle the situaaation. I just didn't know if I may be being too harsh.. But I have come to understand that I need to do what I feel is best for my family.

Texas Rose, I definitely feel for you. And I am sorry your mom is telling you such things. We all wnat our parents to be involved in our kids' lives. And we want them to have a positive impact. I hope the best for you and your mother.

big daddy MIKE1394, ouch1!! icon_razz.gificon_razz.gificon_razz.gif I'm gonna call you poppa mike from now on!!! Telling it like dad would. ahhaha

michellenj Posted 26 Jul 2008 , 9:53pm
post #17 of 28

I'm really sorry to hear your troubles. My parents had me at 19, so I stayed with both sets of my grandparents a lot while I was growing up, and have always had a loving, close relationship with them. It was a huge disappointment to me when my mother started pulling the same sh*t with my kids as she did on me. I'm sure that nobody here wants to hear all of the awful things that my mom did, but I'll just say that she is so crazy, she is in a psychology textbook. icon_eek.gificon_eek.gif AND they used her real name, b/c she sued her psychiatrist for malpractice (lost).

Keeping secrets from you is BAD. Sexy pics at 3 is BAD. You need to nip this in the bud ASAP. You mom is not the boss of you and your child, and I think she needs to be reminded of that.

I had to move thousands of miles away to regain my sanity.

ShortcakesSweets Posted 29 Jul 2008 , 4:32am
post #18 of 28

Your child's well-being is at stake. I agree with you that your mother is not being the proper example. I know the importance of raising children in a Christian home and think you are on the right track. Have a heart-to-heart talk with your mother and explain to her that unless she respects and abides by your and your DH's rules concerning your daughter, that she will no longer be allowed to see her. AND stick to it. I know it's hard to do. Also be praying for your mother as well.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Keep us posted on what happens.

KKC Posted 2 Aug 2008 , 3:48am
post #19 of 28

I know what ur going thru...and I feel the same way, my child my rules...The posing "sexy" would really make me worry...Sometimes u have to do what u think is best for your child and forget anyone else who don't agree with what u want ur child to be exposed to. I don't want to hi jack ur thread but...

My grandmother smokes and when my son was just 3 months old she asked can she come and get him...and of course I went also you know being a new mom I didn't want my son out of my site...any who...I went outside to talk to a friend and when I came back in, I see my grandmother smoking with my son not even a foot away from her icon_mad.gif I was so upset and I asked her why can't u just go outside and smoke? I gave her another chance and she did it again icon_mad.gif Well anyway, I don't let my son go over there because of the smoking...do u think I'm wrong?

ShortcakesSweets Posted 2 Aug 2008 , 4:14am
post #20 of 28

Kivia,
I don't think you're wrong in your decision. People who disregard your requests on how you choose to raise your child are the ones who are wrong especially when they knowingly do something you ask them not to. I know a lot of people like that and it really upsets me. This is kind of a pet peeve of mine. So, I completely understand and feel for you.

adonisthegreek1 Posted 3 Aug 2008 , 2:47am
post #21 of 28

There are numerous things wrong here. I won't recount your OP, but everything you mentioned is a red flag. Please for the safety and welfare of your child do not let your mom be alone with her. If your mom comes to visit and goes straight to your daughter's room and plays with her and does not interact with anyone else, that is wrong. How do you know that she is not taking "sexy" pics of your daughter in her room? If mom wanted to visit with daughter she would do it in the same room that I am in. Any hint of inappropriate language, etc., she'd be out. Your daughter should not be visiting your mom who lives with a married boyfriend. I am very protective of children.

SueW Posted 3 Aug 2008 , 3:36am
post #22 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by adonisthegreek1

There are numerous things wrong here. I won't recount your OP, but everything you mentioned is a red flag. Please for the safety and welfare of your child do not let your mom be alone with her. If your mom comes to visit and goes straight to your daughter's room and plays with her and does not interact with anyone else, that is wrong. How do you know that she is not taking "sexy" pics of your daughter in her room? If mom wanted to visit with daughter she would do it in the same room that I am in. Any hint of inappropriate language, etc., she'd be out. Your daughter should not be visiting your mom who lives with a married boyfriend. I am very protective of children.




AMEN! I thought it odd grandma went straight to DD's room and only they played together. She is YOUR daughter and your rules are to be respected. Sexy at 3 makes me sick, this whole thing doesn't sound right. Go with your gut and protect your daughter.

mkolmar Posted 3 Aug 2008 , 3:54am
post #23 of 28

This whole post screams out that this has to be stopped. Too many red flags!
Only you can stop all of this. Your child can not. I know it's hard but step up and nip it in the bud before it blooms.

The first time kicking someone out of your house for breaking the rules is hard, after that not so hard. I've done this plenty with my mom and my MIL, they know I have no mercy when it comes to my kids. I put up with tapedshut.gif when I was little because I had no choice, now I have a voice and I use it.
Be your child's voice. Just put your foot down because what you wrote was scary.

kimmypooh79 Posted 3 Aug 2008 , 8:06am
post #24 of 28

1st I was molested at that age and I am extremely protective of my daughter b/c of it so what I say goes. Abusers comes in all shapes, sizes, and from all places in this world so these sexy pics and secrets are a concern for me. It may just be her stupidity but better safe than sorry.

2nd, my MIL sets a bad example as she smokes (not cigarettes), drinks and drives, and curses like a sailor. (A 3 year olds mind is like a sponge so I am careful not to use bad language around her.) She lives 3 houses down and only sees her once a week if that and I don't push for it b/c of her behavior. I don't ask her to babysit except in an emergency. She doesn't approve of my parenting style, my response was...you don't have to she's my daughter. My husband agrees totally. I love her and she is a generous person but I just don't approve of her behavior.

The bottom line is you are the parent and though we can't control everything this you can control. You do what you have to do to keep your DD safe.

BellaSweet Posted 13 Aug 2008 , 7:11pm
post #25 of 28

UPDATE: Thanks everyone for all of your advice. Well, I feel that I have put my foot down. Some of you may think I am asking for it to happen again. But my husband spoke to my mom for me. When my husband speaks on my behalf, she knows it's serious. He talked to her about everything that we have already approached her about and all the new stuff. Her actions are not gonna cut it in our house. We are the parents and she needs to respect the decisions we make to raise our DD the way we see fit. And if she cannot/will not abide, then she is not welcome at our house. I know that I am doing the rgith thing by this. However, sh KNOWS if she messes up, she's out. And that I am firm on. She has had this last opportunity that she cares about her graddaughter over her personal feelings. I really feel that some of the things she did were spiteful, and others just plain stupid and ignorant. So if she chooses to keep it up, she's out. She has been over a few times already. ANd her visits are monitored( I feel like I am talking about Britney Spears). She pretty much has to prove herself. I feel bad it has come to this, but we are talking about my DD here, so I have to do what I feel is right.

michellenj Posted 13 Aug 2008 , 7:43pm
post #26 of 28

I hope it all works out for you and your family.

Michelle

ShortcakesSweets Posted 13 Aug 2008 , 8:43pm
post #27 of 28

I think you handled it well and did the right thing. Now just don't be afraid to "stick to your guns" if she doesn't cooperate. I really feel for you and will be praying that all goes well.

pkingham72 Posted 14 Aug 2008 , 3:52pm
post #28 of 28

My opinion is that you should just stand up to your mom because she is your child. I have been going through a very difficult time with my mother and 18yo dd since she was a baby. It's a very long story, but it got to the point that my mom said I was favoring the 3 younger children over my oldest! This is after my oldest brought drugs into my house when her 5yo twin siblings could've gotten ahold of anything. Sorry for rambling......it's just a very long drawn out thing that has been going on for a long time. It's very difficult when it's your own mother that is trying to be the bad influence on your child....or in my case, being supportive in very bad behavior.

Just keep your God close to you. Also keep the friends and family that support you in your decisions close to you. They will support you and keep your spirits up. Only YOU knows what is best for your child!

My prayers go out to you!

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