My Husband Is A Child (Really Long Vent)

Lounge By maryak Updated 4 Aug 2008 , 3:02am by Monkess

maryak Posted 25 Jul 2008 , 1:51am
post #1 of 42

OK, so I've heard people say that they have three kids (2 children and their husband) and it gets a laugh. But my husband is a child, probably worse. He comes home everyday, gets his dinner and goes into the TV room, shuts the door and stays their until he goes to bed or he wants to "play" with me after the kids are asleep.

Meanwhile, I'm loading the washing maching, putting clothes away, making cakes, feeding the kids, washing dishes, tidying the house, etc, as we all do.

Last night my daughter wanted a pot of stew brought in and I had my arms in BC and couldn't do it so she went and asked him and he started yelling and saying to me "Why can't you do it" when he can see me flat out. Also, my son wanted a bowl of cereal poured (that's not hard is it??) and he started walking back to the TV room saying your Mum will do it. I said why can't you do it all you're doing is watching tv. and he said no you do it and just kept walking.

I'm really upset right now, I don't know what to say to him to make him be a father and try to support me, even if it's just a little bit. He's always like this. Me, the kids and my parents go out of our way to make sure he can play soccer and do what he wants so his life is comfortable but he never returns the gesture, he just wants more and more.

He does love us, I know that, but he never shows us. He thinks he shows me he loves me when the lights are out and that's enough, but it isn't. I feel like a single mother sometimes and that just isn't right.

Sorry about this everyone, I just feel like I'm in a corner at the moment trying to hold the family together on my own.

41 replies
Texas_Rose Posted 25 Jul 2008 , 2:11am
post #2 of 42

He sounds just like my husband. I don't work so he figures that everything to do with the house is my job. I'll be honest, when he was working two jobs and we had plenty of money, it was easier to deal with taking care of everything. Now that he's just working one job, and it's a job where he sits and eats and watches tv on his cell phone all night, it's hard dealing with him not helping me.

At least with the kids I can yell at them and they'll do what I need them to. My husband doesn't care how bad the house gets, he won't help me. If I'm sick, his idea of taking care of things is to watch the kids for an hour so I can lie down before I make dinner.

Once both kids are in school and I can go back to working full time, I'll probably leave my husband.

maryak Posted 25 Jul 2008 , 2:44am
post #3 of 42

I know how you feel. I don't want to leave him, I do love him but he just makes mine and the kids life so hard. His brother's wife doesn't work so she has more time to spend on housework as I work full time and then come home and work on my cake business but he expects me to plate up his dinner and bring it to him (he really does) and he just doesn't get that I work longer hours than him.

Oh and when I say I never go out his reply is, you go out every Saturday. Yeah, I go and do the grocery shopping with my daughter and come straight home at 11:00am and he immediately walks out the doors and we don't see him until around 7:30-8pm that night.

I want him to give the kids a hand and want to get up and do things for them when they ask him, not see it as something he shouldn't be doing. It's not too much to ask is it?

Mike1394 Posted 25 Jul 2008 , 12:33pm
post #4 of 42

This certainly meant as disrespect, so plaese don't take it that way. Why are you is maid? Tell him to get his a** up, and make the dinner. If he doesn't know how to do it give him a box, and let him make it. If he gets mad, and stomps out let him, don't feed him. Make enough for you, and the kids. Wouldn't you love to have someone bring you food, and wash your clothes? I'm sure he loves it to. Does he love you, or the stuff you do for him?

Mike

indydebi Posted 25 Jul 2008 , 12:42pm
post #5 of 42

There is not enough memory on this forum for me to give you my opinion! icon_mad.gif There would be way too many censored words.

janelwaters Posted 25 Jul 2008 , 12:53pm
post #6 of 42

I'm with Mike, quit doing everything for him. If you feel like a single mom - be one. Don't do his laundry, don't make his dinner, don't clean up after him etc.

As the good ole Dr. Phil (haha) always says - you teach people how to treat you.

I wish I could tell you to just sit down and have a conversation with him, but he doensn't sound like the type that would work on. My husband listens to me and hears me, he is by no means perfect, but if something is bothering either of us we can sit down and have a conversation about it, without hurt feelings or fighting.

I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this! I know it sux (I know cause he sounds like my X-husband!).

dinas27 Posted 25 Jul 2008 , 1:30pm
post #7 of 42

double post

dinas27 Posted 25 Jul 2008 , 1:31pm
post #8 of 42

where do people learn this behavior? I can't imagine what your MIL is like. tapedshut.gif He probably went straight from his mothers house to yours.

I can't believe you work full time! And he acts like that! There is no excuse for that type of behavior. It takes two to make babies. He has responsibilities too. I would try to speak to him, tell him everything you told us. Its hard to believe that someone would be so oblivious to how you feel but maybe you hide it well too?

This is a very personal thing and I'm sorry if this hurts you but it is something to think about. I don't understand how you can be intimate when you feel like this. You're giving him everything without getting anything back. Sex is not a right you gain when you get married.

Stop making life so [email protected] easy for him. Stop doing his laundry, stop being a waitress, make him responsible for your children. Make food that he hates for a week. Cut off your cable. Stop making it so easy for him to play soccer and do all the things he wants. Make yourself a priority too.

I had a friend in high school - he, his brother (I'm talking teenagers here) and their dad were playing video games in the basement all night. She had asked one of them to take the box of burgers down to the freezer when they went down. It didnt get done. End of the line. She refused to cook and clean for a whole month. I think it finally sunk in when he was talking about standing in the bathroom having to drip dry because there were no towels.
Hope that made you smile. It can work.

Pookie59 Posted 25 Jul 2008 , 9:58pm
post #9 of 42

Your husband behaves like that because everyone in his life allows him to get away with it.

Personally, I couldn't deal with that kind of behavior; I'd have kicked his butt to the curb already, but that's me. Life is short. Guess you have to decide if you're better off with him or without him, but geez...what's it in for YOU?

Ruby2uesday Posted 26 Jul 2008 , 2:27am
post #10 of 42
Quote:
Originally Posted by indydebi

There is not enough memory on this forum for me to give you my opinion! icon_mad.gif There would be way too many censored words.



You and me both Debi, you and me both!


Quote:
Originally Posted by Pookie59

Your husband behaves like that because everyone in his life allows him to get away with it.




Ain't that the truth! Stop doing anything for him! My sister had to do that w/ her first dh and it finally sunk in! she said it was hard and it sucked but she didn't lift a finger for him. Left all the dishes in the sink and ONLY washed what she NEEDED at that time. only did HER laundry. if she was picking up she'd get his crap and pile it in his recliner. they didn't have children so she only cooked dinner for herself. she basically went on strike. He was Pissed at first but finally got the picture! Maybe you need to consider that? only do for you, and ofcourse make sure the kids are taken care of but with that you have to teach them that they cannot behave the way their father is! Make them help around the house as well. Have them help w/ the laundry and the dishes etc... Good luck! This was one of the reasons i left my 2nd dh. (among other things... LOL) But i worked 2 JOBS and came home to a FILTHY house, a cat box i could smell from across the house, dinner dishes in the sink from the night before.... and he was in front of the tv playing video games after being home since 2pm???? WTH??? anyway, good luck!

CeeTee Posted 26 Jul 2008 , 2:46am
post #11 of 42

He sounds almost exactly like my ex-husband. I spent seven years dealing with it and always hoping that someday he'd come to his senses, but he never did. Even now he thinks he did nothing wrong and that the reason I left him is because we 'grew apart'. I spent years in marriage counseling and had two nervous breakdowns before it sunk in that there was nothing I could do to change him. In the meantime he was destroying my savings, my credit rating, and my self-esteem.

During the last year of my marriage I told him he was going to have to do his share of chores and gave him a list. I also stopped doing everything for him. Some things I would do, like make dinner, but laying out his clothes in the morning and hunting down where he tossed the car keys? Forget that. I also gave him a deadline on when he had to find a job and he kept claiming he couldnt find a job. (He was unemployed for three years. The night I threw him out was when he accidentally let it slip that he was purposefully sabotaging job interviews and lying about applying places all so I would stay off his back.)

But honest? You really are better off without him. "Lepoards don't change their spots" and all that. It will be far worse for your children to grow up watching you be subservient to a careless, thoughtless man than to grow up without a dad. After all, my ex thought it was natural for wives to do everything for their husbands because that's how it was in his house growing up.

Before making any decision though, I reccomend marriage counseling for yourself ASAP. if you can get your DH to go too, even better, but you need it.

4Gifts4Lisa Posted 26 Jul 2008 , 3:48pm
post #12 of 42

At least if you were divorced, you'd get every other weekend free. Hell, I think I'd argue for 50/50 custody, and you'd get every other WEEK free...

imartsy Posted 26 Jul 2008 , 4:02pm
post #13 of 42

I hope you two can look into marriage counseling. It certainly seems like he's had some behavior modeled for him growing up that isn't right. I think a lot of times we go into marriage thinking that our relationships will work like others we've seen in our lives.... and each relationship is unique.

Please look into finding a good counselor - and don't give up with the first one. You just need to honestly sit down with him and tell him how you're feeling (don't accuse - say "when you do this, it makes me feel....") and ask if he would be willing to talk to someone who might be able to help you.

I pray you both will be able to find some help and strengthen your relationship. No "partner" in a relationship should feel like they do everything.

Curtsmin24 Posted 27 Jul 2008 , 9:39am
post #14 of 42

I agree with everything that has been said. I personally saw my mother go through it and it messed me and my brother and sister growing up. It took me a while to finally settle down beacuse I refused to put myself in her position. After they got a divorce and I saw her pain and heartache I was hurt as well. But 5 years later I see her smiling and I have never seen her happier. Iv'e asked her why she put up with it and she said that she wanted us to have a father. My response to her is that a father is supposed to be there and act like a father. Not neglect his children for a six pack and tv. So please consider what your children are being exposed to. I know it's hard because as a women you want that affection and even though you are still intimate it's not the same. You are hurting yourself and the kids and neither of you deserve that. Counseling may help, but you know what they say " if you love something let it go, and if it doesn't come back then it was never meant to be to begin with". Everything that happens in life has a purpose. Pray if you do and you shall recieve the answers you are seeking.

I reallly hope that everything turns out well in the end and I appologize if I came on too strong.

Texas_Rose Posted 27 Jul 2008 , 9:55am
post #15 of 42

For everyone suggesting that she just stop doing things, that doesn't always work.

I've tried it before but my husband really doesn't care if there are no clean plates (he'll use my pie plates or cake tins and throw them out afterwards) or clean clothes. If the trash can is full, he'll just throw his trash on the floor. He doesn't care if he has to climb over stuff or if there are no clean towels. I quit cleaning up after him for a while before we had kids, just washed the things I used, etc...and I never go in the living room because I have no time to watch TV, so I didn't clean in there at all. We were living in an apartment and they apparently had to come in to look for a water leak while we were at work, and they left a note on the door saying they were calling the health department if we didn't clean up the living room. It really was that bad. Now that we have kids, I can't do it. If I don't clean everything on a daily basis, by the time we get two or three days' mess it's so bad that I practically need a dumpster and shovel to start cleaning. That means cleaning up after him too.

My husband didn't even grow up with a dad in the house...he learned his lazy behavior from himself.

costumeczar Posted 27 Jul 2008 , 8:21pm
post #16 of 42

You need to get to a marriage counselor who will give him absolutely no sympathy. If he won't go then you need to go yourself to figure out why you're willing to put up with this abuse, because that's what it is. I agree with the "does he love you or what you do for him" sentiment . You need to give him a dope slap and get serious about it becasue this isn't going to get better unless you're willing to get tough with him and with yourself. Sorry to be so harsh, but I can't stand it when women let themselves be used like this.

maryak Posted 27 Jul 2008 , 11:02pm
post #17 of 42

Thank you guys. I appreciate all the advice. I spoke to him over the weekend and he understood where I was coming from, but it's the same cycle. I have to speak to him every now and again. He's going to visit his parents in the US for a month soon (I'm in Australia) so hopefully the time apart will make him realise and think about how he's treating me and the kids. His brother is divorced and I know that he doesn't want to end up like that so I'm just praying that he'll wake up and see it. He's been pretty good since we talked. I just hope it lasts.

Again, thank you all so much. You are all an amazing group of people.

TexasSugar Posted 28 Jul 2008 , 4:35am
post #18 of 42

I'm not married, but I totally agree with the others. He isn't going to change his behavior because he doesn't have to. He has learned with a little fit he will end up getting what he wants in the end.

I so wouldn't fix him a plate and carry it anywhere. If he wants to eat he can come get it himself and sit there with everyone else.

I would cut him off. You shouldn't have sex on his terms when he treats you like crap the rest of the day. Next time he wanted it, I'd say, "Honey I'm tired form working all day, coming home and taking care of our kids, feeding them, working on cakes, fixing your plate of food, doing laundry, washing dishes...."

kimmypooh79 Posted 28 Jul 2008 , 8:44am
post #19 of 42

I made it clear to my DH b4 we married that I was nobody's servant (as my mom was/is to my dad). When I worked FT we split everything down the middle. Now, I'm at home with our DD and I take care of the cleaning inside the house, meals, and of course our DD. He does the trash, the yard, and the animals, and takes care of DD when I say I want me time. I don't do his laundry anymore either b/c I got tired of him complaining how I folded it, hung it, or put it. He helps out around the house if I'm sick, or really busy baking. I did have to teach him a lot though as his mother taught him nothing....she was a servant to her husbands. He's a very obedient little guy... icon_lol.gif

indydebi Posted 28 Jul 2008 , 11:39am
post #20 of 42

Kimmypooh, your story reminds me of this one: co-worker tells me this story. She went to dinner at boyfriend's parents house. They are having hamburgers. BF's mom lines up all the condiments around dad's plate .... a semi-circle of ketchup, mustard, pickles, mayo, etc. She brings ONE hamburger from the kitchen and puts it on a bun on dad's plate. Dad builds his sandwich with the condiments while mom stands there next to him. Co-worker has no idea what's going on! When dad is finished, mom moves all the condiments around the next son's plate, brings ONE hamburger from the kitchen, and stands there while eldest son builds his sandwich.

Co-worker looks to BF and says, "Don't you EVEN think that's EVER going to happen at our house!"

4Gifts4Lisa Posted 28 Jul 2008 , 3:03pm
post #21 of 42

O. M. G., Debi. Just O. M. G.

I think I would have run screaming from the house.

costumeczar Posted 28 Jul 2008 , 4:39pm
post #22 of 42

After reading that hamburger story, all I can say is....DANG!!! icon_surprised.gificon_surprised.gif

michellenj Posted 28 Jul 2008 , 5:20pm
post #23 of 42

Good grief! That hamburger family is something else. It seems like they could each have their own condiments lined up around their plates and streamline the process. How bizarre.

Carolynlovescake Posted 28 Jul 2008 , 8:01pm
post #24 of 42
Quote:
Originally Posted by indydebi

Kimmypooh, your story reminds me of this one: co-worker tells me this story. She went to dinner at boyfriend's parents house. They are having hamburgers. BF's mom lines up all the condiments around dad's plate .... a semi-circle of ketchup, mustard, pickles, mayo, etc. She brings ONE hamburger from the kitchen and puts it on a bun on dad's plate. Dad builds his sandwich with the condiments while mom stands there next to him. Co-worker has no idea what's going on! When dad is finished, mom moves all the condiments around the next son's plate, brings ONE hamburger from the kitchen, and stands there while eldest son builds his sandwich.

Co-worker looks to BF and says, "Don't you EVEN think that's EVER going to happen at our house!"




Are the pets that well trained too?

tootie0809 Posted 28 Jul 2008 , 9:24pm
post #25 of 42
Quote:
Originally Posted by indydebi

There is not enough memory on this forum for me to give you my opinion! icon_mad.gif There would be way too many censored words.




I agree with you 100%! I DO NOT know why women put up with men like this. I would not put up with behavior like this for 1 single second and I'd let him know it immediately. Ladies, I'm sorry, but most men will treat you as bad as you allow them to. Why make excuses for him like "I know he loves us but.....?" But what? As long as they "love" you they can treat you horribly? Sorry, but love doesn't work like that. I have too many of these types of guys in my sisters', friends', and other family members' lives, and it is a very sensitive subject with me, so I will stop now before I say what I really think about it all.

Mike1394 Posted 28 Jul 2008 , 9:28pm
post #26 of 42
Quote:
Originally Posted by indydebi

Kimmypooh, your story reminds me of this one: co-worker tells me this story. She went to dinner at boyfriend's parents house. They are having hamburgers. BF's mom lines up all the condiments around dad's plate .... a semi-circle of ketchup, mustard, pickles, mayo, etc. She brings ONE hamburger from the kitchen and puts it on a bun on dad's plate. Dad builds his sandwich with the condiments while mom stands there next to him. Co-worker has no idea what's going on! When dad is finished, mom moves all the condiments around the next son's plate, brings ONE hamburger from the kitchen, and stands there while eldest son builds his sandwich.

Co-worker looks to BF and says, "Don't you EVEN think that's EVER going to happen at our house!"




icon_biggrin.gif So, that's the way it's supposed to be isn't it. LOLOLOL icon_biggrin.gif

Mike (not really Mike ) hehehehehe

costumeczar Posted 28 Jul 2008 , 11:17pm
post #27 of 42

Yeah, you'd better watch it, Mike, or we'll all be coming after you!! "I've got your condiments right here!!" icon_twisted.gif

Mike1394 Posted 29 Jul 2008 , 12:19am
post #28 of 42
Quote:
Originally Posted by costumeczar

Yeah, you'd better watch it, Mike, or we'll all be coming after you!! "I've got your condiments right here!!" icon_twisted.gif




icon_biggrin.gif Hehehehehe icon_biggrin.gif

kimmypooh79 Posted 29 Jul 2008 , 5:21am
post #29 of 42

[/quote]

Are the pets that well trained too?[/quote]

LOL...yeah only have one in the house, maltese, he P's outside then comes back to the door. My husband P's outside too, outside the rim of the toilet.....still working on house breaking him icon_lol.gif

Carolynlovescake Posted 29 Jul 2008 , 5:18pm
post #30 of 42
Quote:
Originally Posted by kimmypooh79




Are the pets that well trained too?[/quote]

LOL...yeah only have one in the house, maltese, he P's outside then comes back to the door. My husband P's outside too, outside the rim of the toilet.....still working on house breaking him icon_lol.gif[/quote]


hahaha

I was referring to Debi's story about the wife... sorry for making it sound like it was to you. (hope I didn't offend)

I also wonder who fetches the slippers... the dog or the wife. icon_lol.gif

Quote by @%username% on %date%

%body%