How Should I Handle This Situation? (Not Cake Related)

Decorating By floophs Updated 27 Jul 2008 , 1:54am by floophs

floophs Posted 24 Jul 2008 , 5:10pm
post #1 of 32

Sorry...this post isn't related to cake decorating...I just need some advice.

My son had a b-day party a few days ago and invited one of the neighbor boys. He gave our son a gift that we don't allow our son to play with. It's just something that as a family, we don't agree with. I've lived here for over 3 years and I bet I've had a conversation with his mom AT LEAST 4 times requesting that when our son is over at their house we would prefer it if the boys could play with other toys other than this specific toy. So I was very offended when they gave him this gift. There was no gift receipt either.

My question is this...I always make my children send thank you notes for gifts they receive. How do I handle this one? Should he just say something like "thanks for coming to my party" and leave it at that. (He just turned 9 if that matters.) Also, IF the mom asks how he liked the gift, what do I say? I can easily see her asking about it...that's just how she is. My relationship with her is not close. We are cordial but we have extremely different views on life, religion, etc. I don't want to offend her but truth be told...I was very disappointed that she bought this gift after she knows we don't agree with it.

Thanks for your help guys...I'm just torn on this one.

31 replies
julzs71 Posted 24 Jul 2008 , 5:32pm
post #2 of 32

Thank them for coming over and gift. You could always go to the store and exchange the gift without a receipt. If she asked how he likes the toy, do not be offended by telling her that you had to take it back due to your views of the toy.
I never allow guns in my house. Everyone knows this. My children would go to friends houses who had guns or video games involving guns and my friends knew that we didn't want them playing with them, so they had them do something else. I always try to respect friends and family parenting, even though we may not see things eye to eye.

floophs Posted 24 Jul 2008 , 6:09pm
post #3 of 32

Julzs71...thanks for your reply. You're right...I guess I shouldn't be the one who feels bad if the mom does ask how my son liked the gift. Really, she should feel bad (although obviously she doesn't or she wouldn't have gotten the gift to begin with...I just think it's disrespectul and rude).

Thanks again...

MosMom Posted 24 Jul 2008 , 6:42pm
post #4 of 32

I can see you being torn on thanking them for a gift she knew you don't allow your son to play with. I would go ahead and just send a thank you note for the gift and then return it.

If someone got my child a gift we already had, we would return it but we would still send a thank you.

Maybe the mom honestly didn't remember and it was something she had in a closet for a gift. Who knows.

I'm curious to know what the toy was. Was it a character toy? I know my nephews aren't allowed to watch the Simpsons so I would never buy a Simpsons toy. I'm wondering why a parent would buy a potentially provacative toy for a 9 year old.

fondantgrl Posted 24 Jul 2008 , 7:04pm
post #5 of 32

Just say thank you get rid of that toy if you don't want it.. Donate it to Good Will or something like that.. My son who is a real boy, has lot s of TOY guns. Star Wars guns, lazer guns and military guns. I do not find them offensive as they are TOYS. Kids in the 60's who played Cow Boys and Indians which included western pistols and things like that.

I can clearly distinguish real guns from toys guns. Sorry that toy offended you.

cupcakemkr Posted 24 Jul 2008 , 7:11pm
post #6 of 32

So obviously she knew that you wouldn't allow your son to play with this toy but she bought it for him anyway. I think that is both mean and disrespectful to you. If you has the audacity to ask you if your son liked the gift say, "he was really happy that Johnny (her son) was able to celebrate his birthday with him and that your son appreciated getting a gift but it just wasn't something that he'd play with so we took him to the store and let him exchange the gift for a _____ and he loves it. Thanks!"

What a rotten lady. I would try to distance myself from them, are hte boys really close? Just wait until your son is older (my oldest is 14) it gets harder to keep them around the kind of people you think would be positive influences.

Good Luck, a tough situation for sure.

Jayde Posted 24 Jul 2008 , 7:11pm
post #7 of 32

I would have to agree with the other posters on this one as well. Send a thank you for the gift, and then just return it and get him something else instead.

If she does say something to you like, "How does Johnny like his present?" Don't lie to her. Gently remind her that you dont allow your kids to play with those kinds of toys, and that you returned it and got something else instead. She can think what she wants but honestly they are YOUR kids, and you can allow or not allow them to play with whatever you want them to, and you should never let someone pressure you into something that you are uncomfortable with.

It is quite possible that she just had a brain fart, and didnt remember that you dont allow those kinds of toys in your house. It is also quite possible that she bought it anyways, just to see what you would do about it. Stick to your guns, and be classy, even if she wasnt.

floophs Posted 24 Jul 2008 , 7:19pm
post #8 of 32

Thanks everyone...I will try to figure out where she purchased it and take it back or donate it. I agree...I want to be classy about it. Even though she offended me, I really don't want to do that to her.

cupcakemkr Posted 24 Jul 2008 , 8:12pm
post #9 of 32
Quote:
Originally Posted by floophs

Thanks everyone...I will try to figure out where she purchased it and take it back or donate it. I agree...I want to be classy about it. Even though she offended me, I really don't want to do that to her.




When is her sons b-day? regift the gift to him icon_lol.gif

You are very kind. WTG!

floophs Posted 24 Jul 2008 , 8:26pm
post #10 of 32

Her son's b-day is 2 weeks before mine...and I got him a gift card to a game place so he can buy a new game for his PlayStation. Something the kid loves.

I will say this...the kid NEVER has given a thank you note for the gifts we have given him. Now I realize that not everyone is taught to do that and not everyone thinks it's important but we are trying to instill those manners in our children. I was very tempted to not even have my son send a thank you but then I'm not teaching him ettiquete. You can't thank some people and not others. But I'm tellin' you...a thank you note goes a long way in my book. Even acknowledgement from the mom would be nice...saying "oh, my son loved the gift card...thank you." But it never happens. Oh well...I guess you can't expect things from people.

BlakesCakes Posted 24 Jul 2008 , 8:26pm
post #11 of 32

I don't know, maybe it's because I'm getting older (51) or because my boys are grown, but I think it's important to be very honest with people. If they don't like honest feedback (not over-emotional, name-calling stuff, just honest)--tough.

If she knows your feelings on this toy from previous conversations, then she did something quite deliberately that she knew you wouldn't like . That's disrespectful and sets you up to have problems with your son that you just don't need. She's being passive-aggressive in trying to show you that she's right about parenting and you're wrong. That's not her right or her call. To me, that indicates that when your son is in her house, he's getting mixed messages about things you've decided for him.

I'd have my son send a thank-you note to his friend thanking him for coming to the party--ONLY.

I'd call the child's mother and let her know factually and unemotionally that I'd like to exchange the gift at the store because my son cannot play with that particular toy. Could she please tell me where it was purchased? If she gives you a hard time, thank her for her time, destroy the toy that you find offensive, and forget about it.

Raising kids is tough enough without having to be overly considerate of people who don't respect the job that you're doing.

Just my honest .02
Rae

Mike1394 Posted 25 Jul 2008 , 10:46am
post #12 of 32

Now a whole different spin on this. Maybe the lady had nothing to do with it. Did she send hubby out w/ the kid shopping? Then Hubby said to the kid go pick something out to give, and he went to look at auto parts, or something.

Mike

MikeRowesHunny Posted 25 Jul 2008 , 11:20am
post #13 of 32

Mike is a wise man! My daughter has gotten gifts that her friends' fathers have purchased instead of the mother, and they've always been 'interesting' and these men have clearly relied on their child for info on what to get! I say this is a strong possibility. As for no thank you note, well I was never made to write them, and consequently, neither are my kids. They always thank the person when they are given the gift, or call to thank them if they have sent a gift via the post. I consider that more environmentally friendly anyway, rather than chopping down yet another tree to provide the paper for a note (just my 2cts)!

tbittner Posted 25 Jul 2008 , 12:36pm
post #14 of 32

I have to agree with Mike and bonjovibabe, my husband would probably let our boys pick out a different gift than I would. I also did not send thank you's as a child and still do not, I am sure to say Thank you when I receive it and my boys do the same. They also make a phone call to thank someone when they receive a gift through the mail. At family parties they make the rounds after all the gifts are open and say thank you and give a hug. Please let the other family that while you appreciate that they got your son a gift and took the time to come to his party that you do not let him play with (whatever it is) and would like to return it.
Simple and honest is always the way to go.
Tracy

floophs Posted 25 Jul 2008 , 1:38pm
post #15 of 32

I find it interesting how everyone views thank you notes. Neither one necessarily right or wrong...just interesting. I grew up in a home where we said thank you after the present was opened and then also we would have to send a note. I finally had a talk with my mom about 5 years ago saying that it wasn't necessary for her to send us a thank you note after a gift we would give her because she would tell us many times how much she appreciated it that day. But because she is such a big note giver...she would expect it from us too.

However, I have to say that I do appreciate when I get a thank you note when I give a gift and am not there to see them open it (a phone call would be fine too). For instance...when my son goes to a friend's b-day party and I don't necessarily know that friend or family (a classmate from school for example)...I would like to hear from either the mom or the child saying that it was thoughtful, appreciated, or something. It just makes me feel better about spending X amount of money and taking the time it took to pick it out. But trust me...I don't "expect" a note...I just always appreciate it when I get one.

On a side note (especially for those of you who aren't big note givers)...does it bother you when you give a gift for a wedding and you never get a thank you? That always surprises me when a bride & groom don't send out thank you's.

Back to the initial post...yes, maybe the dad and son did pick it out (doubtful, but maybe). The mom carried the gift over and handed it to me. It was in a gift bag with 1 piece of tissue paper over the box...so she knew what was in it. Since it's been mentioned earlier...we are not opposed to our children playing with toy guns (squirt guns, nerf guns). They clearly know the difference between a real one and a toy one. However, this particular family is adimate against guns in the home. I COMPLETELY respect that and NEVER would I give him any kind of toy gun. If my son and hubby would have picked out a toy gun for the kid I would have not allowed my son to give it to him...out of respect. I would have simply put some money in a card at that point (if it were too late to get another gift).

Who knows why they gave the gift they did? I'm still perplexed. I will try to return the gift and if the mom asks I will tactfully be honest with her. I probably won't make an appoint to talk to her unless she brings it up because my guess is that we will be neighbors for a long time and I don't want to ruffle any feathers if at all possible. icon_wink.gif I'll let you know if anything more happens with the mom and me.

jammjenks Posted 25 Jul 2008 , 3:21pm
post #16 of 32

We have things like that at our house too. Our girls are just 4 and 6, but I won't let them have anything Bratz or Harry Potter-ish. Our extended family knows these things, but if a friend from school gets something like that we have taught our girls to politely thank them when they open it anyway. Heck, THEY think it's horrible to get clothes as a gift, so they have to pretend to like those too! It's just our view and I know it is not shared by all. We're all different in our parenting and that doesn't make one any better parent than another. That being said, I would thank them for coming to the party, never mention the gift in the note, exchange it for something useful, and move on. If it is ever brought up by the other parent, I would just be honest, but respectful. JMO

roxxxy_luvs_duff Posted 25 Jul 2008 , 3:49pm
post #17 of 32

So what was this toy?

Wal Mart will take anything back without a reciept of they carry the item. Target will but they limit the amount of returns when you dont have a reciept

gateaux Posted 25 Jul 2008 , 3:50pm
post #18 of 32

We have had this problem occur at out house too. You simple need to say thank you for comming and for the gift. Leave it at that.

I usually try to add little comments the boys made at the party or something that happened. In a case like this, you simply dont expand.

I would try to exchange the gift if you have an idea where it was purchased, simply say you dont allow this type of toy or that you got 2.

If they wont take it back you can always donate it ( I understand it goes againts your beliefs, others may appreciate it.) Just a thought.

Good Luck.

woodthi32 Posted 25 Jul 2008 , 3:58pm
post #19 of 32

You have to give them the benefit of the doubt. Period. Something happened.
Have your son write a note about what a nice gift it is. There is not a requirement to talk about how much one will enjoy playing with it. It is a good way to teach your child to be gracious in an uncomfortable situation. Try to exchange it or put/throw it away. Thre is no need whatever to give them info they already have regarding whether or not your child can play with the toy.
An of course the note must be written. You need never say another word about it.
The woman is not going to as how the child likes the toy unless she is looking for a confrontation on your views, in which case you can happily giver her one.
And fondantgirl, you seem to have taken this very personally.......... you have "real boys", as opposed to the ones the rest of us have??
And floops, I am curious as to why we don't all know what this toy was by now. It may help people to understand the situation.

floophs Posted 25 Jul 2008 , 4:03pm
post #20 of 32
Quote:
Originally Posted by roxxxy_luvs_duff

So what was this toy?




Since I have had several people pm me and a few ask on this thread I will tell you. We have never allowed Pokemon/Yu-gi-oh cards in the house. It's just something we "personally" don't want our children playing with. I respect anyone who doesn't have an issue with the cards...but as a family, we personally don't appreciate them.

floophs Posted 25 Jul 2008 , 4:08pm
post #21 of 32
Quote:
Originally Posted by woodthi32

And floops, I am curious as to why we don't all know what this toy was by now. It may help people to understand the situation.




I posted as yours came through.

The reason I didn't want to mention what toy it was is because that's really not the point of it. Plus, I didn't want people asking "what's the big deal with Pokemon/Yu-gi-oh cards". I just don't want to go there. It's a personal issue that we have with them. I have no problem if other kids want to trade them, play games with them or whatever but we as parents chose not to let our son play with them. Hopefully that clears up why I didn't even want to mention it. thumbs_up.gif

roxxxy_luvs_duff Posted 25 Jul 2008 , 4:27pm
post #22 of 32

You can take those back to Wal Mart if you have one close by. They carry tons of those things.

floophs Posted 25 Jul 2008 , 4:29pm
post #23 of 32

I'm going there today but I don't think she got them there. She tells me that under NO circumstances will she step into Walmart. icon_confused.gif We also live by a Target and Toy's R Us isn't too far away. If neither of them take it back then I will give them to Goodwill.

roxxxy_luvs_duff Posted 25 Jul 2008 , 4:33pm
post #24 of 32

Toys R us here in CA wont take back anything without a reciept so for sure you can try Target. You usually have to get something that is from the same department as the gift that you are taking back. Hopefully they consider those "toys" and let you take them back and get a toy instead of more cards

floophs Posted 25 Jul 2008 , 4:38pm
post #25 of 32
Quote:
Originally Posted by roxxxy_luvs_duff

Toys R us here in CA wont take back anything without a reciept so for sure you can try Target. You usually have to get something that is from the same department as the gift that you are taking back. Hopefully they consider those "toys" and let you take them back and get a toy instead of more cards




Toys R Us won't even take them back and give me in store credit??

If she did get them at Target he would even be happy to switch them out for baseball cards. Maybe that would work?

roxxxy_luvs_duff Posted 25 Jul 2008 , 4:47pm
post #26 of 32
Quote:
Originally Posted by floophs

Quote:
Originally Posted by roxxxy_luvs_duff

Toys R us here in CA wont take back anything without a reciept so for sure you can try Target. You usually have to get something that is from the same department as the gift that you are taking back. Hopefully they consider those "toys" and let you take them back and get a toy instead of more cards



Toys R Us won't even take them back and give me in store credit??

If she did get them at Target he would even be happy to switch them out for baseball cards. Maybe that would work?





TRU used to give store credit but this past XMAS i tried to take back all the worthless crap my MIL gets my kids and they wouldnt take anything back because i didnt have the reciept. Most I was able to return to Wal Mart but some things were exclusive to that store so i re-gifted icon_smile.gif

for sure he should be able to switch them for baseball cards if not a toy

woodthi32 Posted 25 Jul 2008 , 5:56pm
post #27 of 32

No problem! I was just curious. I have a lot of problems with shows/toys that are out there and try to steer away. So, I can understand. Problem here, mom knows, and she will not benefit from you a)taking her bait or b)confronting her about something she had nothing to do with. Like I said, if she brings it up unequivocally to your person, then etiquette allows you to address it. Have your son write the not saying how nice of a gift it was. It probably is nice, high quality stuff, the best industrial cardstock around! It will teach him to find something nice to say in an uncomfortable situation. And just get rid of them if they bother you. I can't imagine spending all that money on gas to exchange a gift worth less than the gas. I am sure your son got a lot of nice gifts. Cut your losses.

floophs Posted 25 Jul 2008 , 8:09pm
post #28 of 32

Well surprise, surprise...I had to run to Walmart today to get a few things and thought I would try returning the cards there. They took them back...yeah!!! Who knows, maybe she bought them at Target or maybe she really did buy them at Walmart. Nevertheless my son got $17 store credit so he was thrilled.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts on this issue. thumbs_up.gif

loriana Posted 26 Jul 2008 , 3:24am
post #29 of 32
Quote:
Originally Posted by floophs

Well surprise, surprise...I had to run to Walmart today to get a few things and thought I would try returning the cards there. They took them back...yeah!!! Who knows, maybe she bought them at Target or maybe she really did buy them at Walmart. Nevertheless my son got $17 store credit so he was thrilled.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts on this issue. thumbs_up.gif




Wonderful! Hey just a note for others: hobby shops and comic book stores, as well as gamemaster stores (where you buy roleplaying items like dungeons and dragons or board games like axis and allies) all sell pokemon cards. Lots of places will take them back for store credit and you could get a family-type game instead

woodthi32 Posted 26 Jul 2008 , 11:34am
post #30 of 32

$17!!! for cards?!!!
well, that's great news thenicon_smile.gif

Quote by @%username% on %date%

%body%