Fist Time Really Upset With My Mother-In-Law

Lounge By adonisthegreek1 Updated 15 Jul 2008 , 5:20pm by kbrown99

adonisthegreek1 Posted 2 Jul 2008 , 1:31pm
post #1 of 19

Normally, my mother-in-law and I get along perfectly and we've even vacationed together. I am really upset right now and maybe you all can tell me whether I have a right to be or not.

She asked to keep my kids (they are 5 & 7) overnight, but we never discussed what time the next day I would pick them up. In the past when they have spent the night, I usually pick them up around 3pm.

Again, no time was mentioned and I actually planned to pick them up around 2pm because I wanted to have time to stop at the organic market. We live about 40 minutes apart. Well, she called wanting to know what time I was coming to get the kids. I said that I was coming at 2:00. She says, can you get here right now. I asked her if there was a problem. Well, her daughter had dropped by unannounced and wanted her to go shopping. I told her that it was going to take me all of 40 minutes to get there if I dropped what I was doing and walked out of the door right that second. She says to get there ASAP. I feel like she showed me nor the kids any consideration or respect.

Anyway, I get there and she had already left. She left the kids with my father-in-law who recently had major surgery and is in physical rehab. I take the kids to her clean and dressed and she normally returns them to me the same way. Well, she had left my son (7) a filthy mess after working in their garden. My daughter (5) was at the neighbors house and their older granddaughter was bullying my 5 year old into teasing and taunting her own brother. There's been an ongoing problem with that kid bothering my son ever since she let a dog loose on him a couple of years ago. My father-in-law was totally oblivious, but my mother-in-law is well aware of all of this because we have discussed it. My kids were there first and their cleanliness and safety should have been her priority.

What do you all think? I was thinking that rather than calling her to confront her, the next time she asks for the kids to spend the night, I will just let her know that if they are not her priority then I will not be dropping them off again.

18 replies
Kiddiekakes Posted 2 Jul 2008 , 1:36pm
post #2 of 19

Man...That would be the last time I would allow your kids to stay overnight.I mean that is rude phoning you and saying come get them and then not even sticking around until you came....and to go shopping!!!! Next time I would say..."Sorry but last time I picked them up they were left essentially alone and filthy.....I think they will stay with me!!

indydebi Posted 2 Jul 2008 , 1:43pm
post #3 of 19

I would have no problem with that. My sister wouldn't let her kids stay even a partial day with our own mom because she didnt' believe in seatbelts. My sister is a FANATIC about seat belts. Gramma would tell the kids "Gramma's car is too old to have seat belts, so you don't need them" when in reality the seat belts were shoved under the car seats, out of sight. Sis just wouldn't leave her kids with someone who was very willing to put her children in danger.

And that's what you have to look at. She left your children with someone who wasn't really able to "watch" them. She left your children unattended and in danger.

And as a mom, I just don't allow that.

My kids .... my rules.

And as a gramma, I'm very respectful of the "your kids .... your rules" thing. It doesnt' matter whether I agree with my daughter's rules or not .... her kids, her rules, and it's not gramma's job to override that. It's very disrespectful and sends a negative message to my grandchildren.

kiddiekakes....LUV your response!!

Doug Posted 2 Jul 2008 , 1:52pm
post #4 of 19

did anyone else catch the Freudian Slip in the title?

----

very apt slip as that's exactly what would be waving in the MIL face if I'd been around and found the kids in that state.

--

ditto to what IndyDebi & Kiddiekakes said

7yyrt Posted 2 Jul 2008 , 2:11pm
post #5 of 19

All right...

Stop for a minute...

breathe...

You say this is the first time anything like this has happened. You need to get to the bottom of it, not go off while you are angry. (I understand completely, I would be foaming at the mouth myself.)

Something more must be going on than a spur-of-the-moment shopping trip. She left the kids and a man just out of major surgery?!

Something is wrong here.

-K8memphis Posted 2 Jul 2008 , 2:28pm
post #6 of 19

Unfortunately there is no good or easy answer here. You are damned if you do and damned if you don't.

I can assure you thee single best way to handle this is to let her son take care of it. I mean I don't know your circumstances, if by some chance he is passed away or not in the picture please accept my apology for my ignorance.

But if he is around. He needs to take care of this. End of the world. Nothing doubting. And however he does take care of it is the best way. If he ignores it, go with that flow. If he breaks down her door and etc., bale him out of jail.

The two women he loves the most on the planet will rip his guts to shreds by the tiniest flickers of words on up to the nuclear war that is fixing to ignite.

The kids can be busy with play dates when she wants to keep them. 'Oh I gotta check with hubby'. Arrange to drop them off closer to bedtime and pick them up for breakfast at their favorite fast food playground place.

Proceed with extreme caution. Everyone's peaceful life hangs in the balance until death do you part. Work around your husband's lead on this. This is the only way to not go as wrong as it could. A little uncomfortable like it is now is much better than a full out assault I can assure you as sure as I have a head full of grey hair. (though I have the face of a 20 year old...NOT!! icon_lol.gif )

lardbutt Posted 2 Jul 2008 , 3:24pm
post #7 of 19

I'm the last one who would be qualified to give MIL advice! Believe me I have my own set of problems in this area!

But I'll add my 2 cents anyway! icon_lol.gif

I'm thinking since there has never been a problem before, it does need to be discussed. If nothing more just to share with her how you felt. But, I think if you are ever going to bring it up, the time is NOW! I don't think it is a good idea to wait until she asks for the kids again and then let her have it. thumbsdown.gif I don't think that is an adult way to handle it.

Or, you could do what I would do and completely avoid her at all costs! icon_redface.gif Of course that doesn't work out so well either!

Good luck in what ever you decide to do!

adonisthegreek1 Posted 2 Jul 2008 , 4:02pm
post #8 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by 7yyrt

...Something more must be going on than a spur-of-the-moment shopping trip. She left the kids and a man just out of major surgery?! Something is wrong here.




I guarantee you that there is nothing else going on here. She doesn't drive and jumped at the chance to go shopping with her daughter. Once she's got it in her head to do something, she just does it. She already rushed my FIL to fly back and forth to Arizona the second the doctors cleared him to fly even though he hadn't even started rehab. We were all like, "What is she thinking?" I guess I have seen how insensitive she can be, but it has never been directed at my children.

adonisthegreek1 Posted 2 Jul 2008 , 4:23pm
post #9 of 19

I do want to thank everyone who gave me their input. I truly appreciate it. Sorry about the Freudian slip, Doug (LOL).

For the record, I am not steaming mad, I don't want to hit or yell at my MIL. I am a little upset and a lot hurt. Whoever said let my husband handle it...you don't know my husband. He never handles anything...even when he is right there first hand. Sometimes I feel like I am the husband and the wife, mother and the father, but that's another story.

I will update you all in a couple of weeks after we return from vacation.

Happy 4th of July!

7yyrt Posted 2 Jul 2008 , 8:25pm
post #10 of 19

I see... That type.

In that case, your first instinct sounds the correct one. We had a similar family member.

Good luck to you...

fondantgrl Posted 3 Jul 2008 , 12:51am
post #11 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by adonisthegreek1

I do want to thank everyone who gave me their input. I truly appreciate it. Sorry about the Freudian slip, Doug (LOL).

For the record, I am not steaming mad, I don't want to hit or yell at my MIL. I am a little upset and a lot hurt. Whoever said let my husband handle it...you don't know my husband. He never handles anything...even when he is right there first hand. Sometimes I feel like I am the husband and the wife, mother and the father, but that's another story.

I will update you all in a couple of weeks after we return from vacation.

Happy 4th of July!




Sounds like your husband is a boy and not a man since he cannot handle anything...

athompson0525 Posted 3 Jul 2008 , 1:47am
post #12 of 19

I don't blame you for being upset. I would be as well.

I had a similar incident with my own father at Christmas time. After both my husband and myself told him that he could not take my son (2yrs old) on the four wheeler he did it anyhow. I caught him in the act and boy was I angry. I have never yelled at my father before but I was right in his face yelling like a mad women.

p.s. a little background...I had a friend die from one of those. so i'm a little cautious of them.

foxymomma521 Posted 3 Jul 2008 , 1:59am
post #13 of 19

I have not read any of the responses, but I've spent about 2 of my 3 married years not speaking to my MIL. My advice to you is to tell her exactly what is bothering you. If not it will only get worse.

indydebi Posted 3 Jul 2008 , 3:25am
post #14 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by k8memphis

I can assure you thee single best way to handle this is to let her son take care of it.




I'm not one that likes the arrangement of "you talk to your mom and I'll talk to mine" thing. If I have a problem with his mom, I'll be the one to talk to her about it. I don't need my hubby to take care of my problems for me. I'm a big girl and I dont' someone to run interference for me. I will expect/appreciate him to back me up (and vice versa) when the issue comes up, but I'm not some little girl who needs "protected" by "her man".

Likewise, I won't be the go-between with anyone else. You got a problem with my parents or my sister, then you tell 'em what's bothering you. I won't be the caught-in-the-middle person.

Look, I know what may work for me isn't going to work for everyone else and this is not an anti-statement against anyone.... if you and your family is more comfortable doing the go-between thing, then that's how you should handle it. I'm merely stating my preference on how *I* deal with any issue that *I* have with someone.

Fortunately, I cut off all contact with my parents 15 years ago, so no issues there. And I just luv my in-laws so no issues there.

-K8memphis Posted 3 Jul 2008 , 4:59am
post #15 of 19

Well in this case that's real easy to say if you're not having in-law problems. In-law stuff is so incredibly complicated you can't see the forest for the trees.

This is not small. This is big. This is family threatening for the long haul. It's a close family, vacations together, has serious issues too.

There's not a mil on the planet that can digest that amount of (truthful)negativity from her dil. My kids were left dirty, abandoned, and bullied by your lack of care. So your house or mine for the holidays?

He is the father of the neglected kids it's a joint operation so it is both their fight and he has the inroad as it's his Mom. It is the husband's fight because Mom-in-law ain't gonna listen to dil. She just baled on the grandkids you think she will reverence the dil's criticism?

Op says he's not gonna fight his Mom, there's a reason this guy is the way he is. So go to plan B. Do your best to not let it occur again. Build some boundaries, don't go lobbing mortars. The long term damage can be minimized.

It's the right of the last clear chance like in driving school. You don't get to ram into somebody just because you have the right of way and they pulled in front of you. If you can apply the brakes and avoid the collision do so. Easier by far all the way around.

Texas_Rose Posted 3 Jul 2008 , 7:56am
post #16 of 19

If your MIL is that desperate to go places, maybe you should offer to take her with you and the kids sometimes. Then she would be getting to see her grandkids, you'd be seeming like a wonderful DIL, and you wouldn't have to leave the kids alone with her, because she'd be getting enough grandkid time in on your outings.

I don't leave my kids at my mom's house because so many bad things happened to us when we were kids that I don't feel like my mom will watch them well enough to keep them safe. Also, she never cuts her back yard but she always wants the kids to play out there. Valerie has a fire ant allergy that we carry epi-pens for...she could be bit, have a reaction and die before Sophie managed to beat on the door hard enough to alert Grandma (because Sophie's not tall enough to open the door). I don't tell my mom what my issue with the kids being at her house without me is, I just make excuses or I act like I was invited too and just stay.

adonisthegreek1 Posted 15 Jul 2008 , 4:56pm
post #17 of 19

Here's the update. My in-laws spent two days with us out of our week long vacation. My MIL said that my FIL told her that I was upset and that she better straighten things out. I didn't think he knew I was upset.

I told her exactly the things that I mentioned in my OP. She said that she was supposed to go shopping that day, but she thought her daughter said she was picking her up at 4:30 not 1:30. I politely told her that when she asks to keep the grandkids that she needs to make them her priority as they need to be returned to me safe and clean.

She agreed and apologized. She assured me that it would not happen again. She and I just went shopping and to lunch and everything is fine.

lardbutt Posted 15 Jul 2008 , 5:20pm
post #18 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by adonisthegreek1

Here's the update. My in-laws spent two days with us out of our week long vacation. My MIL said that my FIL told her that I was upset and that she better straighten things out. I didn't think he knew I was upset.

I told her exactly the things that I mentioned in my OP. She said that she was supposed to go shopping that day, but she thought her daughter said she was picking her up at 4:30 not 1:30. I politely told her that when she asks to keep the grandkids that she needs to make them her priority as they need to be returned to me safe and clean.

She agreed and apologized. She assured me that it would not happen again. She and I just went shopping and to lunch and everything is fine.



That's wonderful, you've cleared the air!

Now will you kindly call my MIL and talk to her for me? icon_lol.gif

kbrown99 Posted 15 Jul 2008 , 5:20pm
post #19 of 19

Glad to hear everything worked out.

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