I have been married to my husband for 3years and the love seems to be disappearing. My DAD told me it was not to late to call off the wedding a month before the wedding, My sister does not like him and my whole family thinks he is mean to my son who was from a previous relationship. I know he can be a little over the top but I don't say anything. Together we have a two year daughter and I am afraid he is going be hard on her as well he very very high expectations for a 6 and 2 year old. What 6 year do you no of will remember to do something you tell them to do the next day. At times my husband seems jealous of my son because they get more attention. Sometimes he does not even give my son a chance when he gets home from his dad's he starts yelling at him and telling he needs to do this and not do this. I get so mad but don't say anything because that be going over his word and my son will not respect my husband. I want more kids but I know he doesn't he just will not admit it. It's not like he will have to do anything I already fell like a single mother, because he hardly helps out unless he benifits from it. I don't know if I should stay with him or move on??? Please help I need someone to talk to!

Have you talked to him about counseling? I'm a HUGE proponent of finishing what you start, IF it's not an entirely unhealthy situation. It sounds as if there are issues that weren't ironed out before the marriage, am I correct?

Please, try to work it out before you just throw in the towel, unless he is being ABUSIVE mentally or physically (to you, or your children). *hugs*

The fact that you are posting this on CC says it all.

Leave him.

Especially if your family can tell that you aren't happy.

I agree that you should try counselling if he is not abusive. If he is abusive, emotionally, physically, or sexually to your or your children, I think you should leave.

It sounds like he is harder on the children than you want him to be. I think you should really talk to him about this and don't remain quiet, you may regret it later. You want your children to be protected and safe emotionally. I would suggest bringing up your concerns when your children are not around and try to get him to see your point of view. But if he insults the children or hurts their feelings, don't be afraid to stand up for them. I think it's very important that they see you as their advocate.

Well it takes a lotta thought to decide to make such a huge decision like leaving...I do agree that you shouldn't allow him to treat your son with such harsh behavior and words.Try talking it out with him and maybe getting him to understand that even though he is the father figure now..doesn't give him the right to belittle and bark at the boy!!You need to step in but it will cause some fights between you and hubby! You have a child with him and if he continues this type of parenting...I would be saying something also!! Don't leave yet...make sure you have done everything you can and could before you make the huge decision to leave!! It is very difficlut as a single Mom out there.Know all your options first!!!

I think before you make a decision you should spend a little time trying to find out why he behaves as he does. There are so many reasons for people to treat children harshly. "I am NOT excusing the behavior, I don't know how else to describe this." Sometimes they really resent the child or are very self centered and can not think of others first. If this is true of your husband you must stop his interaction with your son.
Others are so afraid of the child not behaving well that they are overly hard. It sounds like your husband may be treating your kids like he was treated. Most parents do that because they do not have a complete understanding of children's developmental growth, what to expect at each age or how to modify their kid's behavior in a loving, effective way. There are great resources out there, parent education groups, books and internet sites. Maybe you could get him to explore this with you. Deciding that maybe you could both find better parenting strategies might help him get on board rather than the "I'm a good parent, you're not" (even if that is the truth)
I also think the previous advice about counseling is also good, having a trained expert lead your family into understanding and improving your communication and interactions could lead to happiness for all of you.
My best wishes to you as you live through this difficult decision.

Sorry, but I'm going to be blunt here: I can't stand people who are spineless, and I will never understand a woman who sits quitely while an abusive bully attacks her kids. You're a party to this abuse by allowing it. Your son will learn how to treat women poorly, and your daughter will marry someone "just like dad." Kick him out while he gets therapy. He's old enough to know better, and so are you. You, too, need therapy. Your kids deserve better. I can't believe you're considering having more kids with him. I recommend that you tie your tubes. Sorry....but, shame on you for even thinking about bringing another kid into this world to be abused.
I truly don't mean to be cruel, but I hope my bluntness is the kick in the a$$ you need to do right by your kids. I sincerely wish you and your kids the best.

I first want to say I am sorry for the previous post. It makes me sad to know there are people out there who are not very understanding and are too blunt. In my eyes such comments are not motivating and very rude especially if one has not experienced the issue at hand. It is easy to judge someone. We need to remember to help out when someone asks and not make them feel worse. As women we have to look to eachother for advice and have someone's shoulder to cry on. I don't think the OP was looking for a ---- in the ---. I do not like a potty mouth(as we call it) to express our feelings in my home. One can communicate without harsh words. As for the OP, I hope you will think this through and discuss it with your husband and go to counseling. I do not believe as a mother and wife of a Police Officer that anyone should endure any type of abuse. Whether this be physical, or mental it is unacceptable. Therefore make sure you and your children are safe and please know you have someone who will listen to your concerns. Good Luck.

I was raised in a house like this. Get out now. For the love of your kids get out now, staying only makes things worse for your kids in the long run. (I should know--I've lived it) Please leave!
My mother stayed with my dad the whole time he treated us like this and tried to protect us as much as she could without making it seem like she was disrespecting him or us kids might learn it. Well guess what!? It only made it worse for us by staying. She is right now asleep in my kids bedroom with a restraining order against my dad (things have gotten that bad) Counseling was a joke, did nothing. The only thing that would have worked was my mom to take us and leave and she didn't. Now she regrets it and hates herself for not doing it. We are all grown now but still are effected greatly by this everyday. Just leave!!!!

Thanking you all for your advice I know I need to take action and tell him how I feel. I have told him to not yell and just use a stern voice and do not agree with every thing he says. He gets mad if I do not go along with his punishment and storms off out side mad. My Husband found out at our bacholer and bacholerette parties that his Dad was very jealous as he was to but his dad hit his mom because he thought his mom had a thing for his brother. My husband was shocked to hear this news about his dad. I told him if he every hits me I am gone. I know he was all raise by a father who was not involved and drank. I feel like all the signs are telling me no but I still said yes. I think I am going to make a list of things to discuss with him and then go from there. Thank you again for all of your input!!!

It sounds like you have come to a decision, that is good. You are probably done with suggestions, but I feel I must say one more thing. Please think of all the possible outcomes before you sit down with your husband with a list. It seems that anger and violence has been modeled a lot for him. IMHO it might be better to go to a counselor right now and with his/her help approach and discuss the problem. This will be a safe place for you all. The right therapist will make sure he doesn't fell attacked. They will help him deal with the anger if that is what happens and help him deal with your leaving if that is how it ends up. In a previous post it said that counseling didn't help-but I bet it didn't hurt either. It isn't a quick fix, but if you stick with the right therapy it will help you heal and find happiness.

As for the children-they would rather be from a broken home than in a broken home.

Sadly, I have been through a similar situation to this and my husband eventually turned violent because I never stood up to him and he took that as a sign that he could treat me exactly as he pleased. Even then, I still thought I could change him and that it wasn't his fault. I even defended him to my family when they wanted to call the police on him. I (thankfully) didn't have kids but he did. He moved one of them in with us and her word became law. Whatever I said or did, she would tell him and blow things out of proportion. He would always believe her over me and would 'punish' me accordingly. The one time I told her off (because she had got drunk and trashed the house while we were out one night!) he left me the following day, saying he couldn't stay with someone who would 'bully' his kids! Like an idiot, I persuaded him to come back.
I learnt a lot from that relationship but the one thing I know for certain is that nothing can excuse that kind of behaviour and you owe it to yourself not to tolerate it. I excused his behaviour on the grounds that he had poor relationships with his own family, he had a tough time in the army and had gone through a bad break up of a previous relationship! You cannot change someone unless they understand that their behaviour is wrong and they are genuinely willing to change it. Even then, you should distance yourself until that change happens.
If he truly loves you, he will do whatever it takes to make the changes and win you back. Otherwise, there is no point in staying and putting yourself and your kids through the heartbreak.
I gave my marriage everything I had and I gave him every chance I could and every encouragement I could to get help. We had joint and individual counselling but the root of the problem was that he never understood that there was a problem with his behaviour!
You must consider your children's needs before your own in this case I'm afraid and if they are unhappy then you need to sort it out quickly. If he can't see a problem then you should leave. If he can, and is willing to change, suggest a period of separation so he can get help and you can decide what you want.
Far from worrying about your son respecting your husband, you should be worrying about whether he respects you! If he sees that you are taking this lying down he will lose faith in your ability to protect him and that's very sad.
I hope you manage to resolve it, whatever you decide. Good luck and lots of hugs.

At this point, please do not even think of having more children just to expose them to this selfish man. You are the only one the kids have to protect them, but you are not even doing that . You know what is wrong, so please do not be blind to it. As what Dr. Laura Schlessinger would say, you picked the wrong man to have kids with, so deal with it for the sake of having an intact family. Your kids are your priority, if you won't stand up for them, no one will.

I think that people on here are way over the top. The only information we have is that he can be demanding and hard on the kids. We cannot tell you to stay or go just by that. EVERYONE is unhappy in their marriage at some point. If you divorce and remarry, you will have hard times there, too. With that said, hard times should not be the deciding factor. i don't think you are a wimp to stick it out, that is what marriage is, for better or worse. Is he beating you? Is he beating the kids? I don't think anyone should be a punching bag, but my husband walked out on me and my two small kids becuase it was "hard' and now everyone is paying for it. My kids, me, him, our whole entire families are feeling the aftershocks still and he left in 05!

I am with the first person. I am an advocate of doing EVERYTHING IN YOUR POWER to save your marriage before you throw in the towel.

This will not be the popular answer but our country is in the shape it is in because we want a quick fix and we want to always be "happy". Well, happiness sometimes comes from putting up a good fight for what you deserve, and that is a strong family without more brokenness.

Nothing worthwhile is easy.

Psalm 91:1 and 4a
He that dwelleth in the secret place of the most High shall abide under the shadow of the Almighty. He shall cover thee with his feathers, and under his wings shalt thou trust...

God bless you very much. No easy answers. Praying for you.

L&P,
Kate

I've been trying to think of a good way to word this. I don't think that he's necessarily being cruel and unreasonable. I think he just has unrealistic expectations of what a six-year-old is capable of, and he may feel like he needs to be tough on the boy so he grows up with a strong male role model. Six-year-olds look old enough that you would figure they could behave like small adults...but that's really not the case. I am constantly shocked by how scatterbrained my 6 year old is...here's this big kid who can get herself dressed, make her own food, etc...but she will forget her backpack in the car every single morning, stay up all night if you don't check constantly to see if she's asleep. Sometimes it's frustrating and sometimes I yell at my daughter because she needs to get her act together...but it's not abuse. Who here can honestly say their parents never yelled at them, or that they've never yelled at their kids? Sometimes my daughter just doesn't listen if I don't set my volume to LOUD

I do think it's a problem when it happens all the time. I also think the OP is thinking of her son as hers only, and her husband is trying to be a dad to him, and that's where some of the problem is. Talking to him and just telling him that you don't expect him to straighten the kid out perfectly, that kids are kids and we have to keep our expectations realistic, might help him calm down a bit and might also take some of the pressure off of him. Counseling might also help.

As far as the love fading...the passion in most marriages cools down after a while. It's just too intense to keep it going forever. When that "new love" feeling starts to fade, usually the comfort factor kicks in...the years of experience that you have with your husband, the things you've been through together, etc...

And relatives can't really tell if someone's right for a person...Up until 6 years ago, my mom was still offering to buy me a car and help pay for me to go back to school if I would just divorce my husband

What is Emotional Abuse of a Child (A Fact Sheet):

http://www.americanhumane.org/site/PageServer?pagename=nr_fact_sheets_childemotionalabuse

Emotional Abuse (in children) - An Overview:

http://www.findcounseling.com/journal/child-abuse/emotional-abuse.html

Domestic Violence & Abuse: Warning Signs & Symptoms of Abusive Relationship

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

The above are not personal opinions, they are facts and recognized patterns of behavior.

If you or your children are the victims of such behavior, you ARE being ABUSED!

Jan, thank you for posting that for her.

I had to chuckle at the description TexasRose gave of her six year old daughter! Every first grade teacher knows how "scatter brained" six year olds can be. Typical routine for going to lunch: Each child is told-go to the closet and get your lunch box. So, the class hears this direction about 24 times. Then they line up in the hall and the teacher has to say"does everyone have their lunch boxes, check you neighbor and every time at least 2 kids run back to the room because the don't have their lunches!
Oh, yes and when you take them to special class one of them will arrive wearing only one shoe. The other one fell off and they didn't bother to stop and pick it up, they have to go back for it when you tell them too. I can't even describe the effort it takes to get them on the buses with hats, coats mittens,lunch boxes and bookbags. They are a hoot! I miss them already and I've only been out of school 4 days.

Our opinions are only based on what is being told to us. Thank GOD! we cannot live other people's lives. I am happily married BY THE WAY !!! So I have no desire to live someone else's dysfunctional life.
This thread is about one person's marriage, and NOT all of our marriage lives. So don't go there !!!!

Over the top or NOT, it is OUR opinion. And I really do not care what your opinion is. It won't affect me in any way.

NEVER, EVER, EVER LET ANY MAN ABUSE YOUR CHILD. Mental abuse can be just as damaging as physical abuse. You need to stand up for your kid. Why would you even want more kids by someone who does not carry his share of responsibilities with the children? First, you need to put your foot down about what you will and won't tolerate. See how he reacts. His reaction will tell you whether it's time to leave or not.

Divorced a man like this. A man who sets unrealistic expectations for children 2 and six is a controller. He expect everything to be PERFECT. And if it's not perfect, then he feels out of control. And the only way for him to feel in control is for everything to be perfect .... and to him that means his way (he doesn't like it when you disagree with his "punishments" ..... I have a low tolerance level for men who are too into "punisment" for a child!).

He's actually super insecure and that's why he has to be the Holy One In Charge. His Way, period.

It has too many flags for me. It's going to turn violent. The kids won't be little docile things who can't stand up for themselves .... and when he feels he can't control them anymore, then he'll go to the next level.

And while no one flat out said, "At least he doesn't beat you", I could see it between the lines. Whoever said it above that verbal and psych abuse is worse is SO right. At least when someone hits you, the bruises go away. Not so with the psych ones.

Been there ... survived that.

The fact that you are questioning it tells me you KNOW it's wrong. You are the mom and you are the protector of your children!! When they grow up all screwed up because of this man, it's not him they will blame. They will also be screwed up because they will wonder why mommy let it happen ... they will wonder why mommy didn't protect them from this evil.

Since I've been there (He fired a gun at me, two feet over my head, said he aimed it over my head on purpose, I wasn't hurt, so what was I bitchin' about?), I'm not going to play the nicey-nice that everyone thinks this situation needs. I'm with lsawyer in playing the blunt card. Because SINCE I'VE BEEN THERE, I know it's the kick in the ass we need to admit TO OURSELVES what needs to be done. Admitting to ourselves is the hardest part. Because once we admit it, then we are now forced to deal with it.

I didn't want to deal with it. I didn't want to admit I was wrong about him. I didn't want to confess to everyone what a bad decision I had made.

But you knwo what? When I told everyone, it turns out they already knew. The only person I was fooling was myself.

ANd it sounds like your family has already let you know that you're fooling no one but yourself.

If you wont' stand up for yourself, you stand up for your children!!

Indy is right.
Things in my family turned into physical abuse (and guess what my mom still stayed) and it all started like this.
The signs are there-it's up to you if you do something about it or not.

I can tell you I'm 30 years old and I can take a punch and much worse but those wounds heal. The scars I have left from the mental/verbal abuse just won't heal. The emotional abuse my brothers and I went through we still suffer with greatly. It affects us in everything we do. I would never wish this on anyone, especially children.
You are your kids mother. You need to protect them in every aspect.

Thanks JanH for posting those links. I hope everyone on here reads them.

Sometimes people who are in situations like these are on denial because they keep hoping that the person will change. Monsters don't change. They will keep hurting the people around them no matter what.

[quote="lsawyer"]Sorry, but I'm going to be blunt here: I can't stand people who are spineless, and I will never understand a woman who sits quitely while an abusive bully attacks her kids. You're a party to this abuse by allowing it. Your son will learn how to treat women poorly, and your daughter will marry someone "just like dad." Kick him out while he gets therapy. He's old enough to know better, and so are you. You, too, need therapy. Your kids deserve better. I can't believe you're considering having more kids with him. I recommend that you tie your tubes. Sorry....but, shame on you for even thinking about bringing another kid into this world to be abused.
I truly don't mean to be cruel, but I hope my bluntness is the kick in the a$$ you need to do right by your kids. I sincerely wish you and your kids the best.]quote

I totally agree.