Hello,

I am putting on a baby shower for a good friend that I've known for almost 18 years and she is a bit of a control freak. Her shower is in August 2008 and she wants to control it. Her sister had a very large turn out for her baby shower last year and my friend is very competive with her and is wanting this big extravaganza. The problem is, my friend is a driver for UPS and she works primarly with men. She will invite these men with their significant others to her parties, but they usually don't show up. So, she is telling me that there will be at least 100+ people there (which I am almost certain wont, because I've been to her parties in the past and she is always expecting 60 or so people and only about 20 show). I love my friend dearly, but I feel that she puts herself too high on that pedistol.

My pregnant friend is trying to take over the planning, she thinks that she is the only one who knows how to plan anything and have it done right (or shall I say "Right" is done her way). She was pressing me about the food I will be serving, the alchohal, what type of invitations I will be sending out, what kind of games that will be played, etc. I told her that she is only to give me names, addresses and where she is registered; and that she is to show up and enjoy the party along with the guests. So, if she wanted to put on her own shower she is more than welcome to, but I don't want to here that no one did anything for her and that she had to plan her own shower.

Besides all of this, my brother is getting married in August 2008 as well, a few weeks after her shower and I am making their wedding cake, as well as helping them plan it. I am also giving my future sister in law a bridal shower the day after my friends baby shower. So, I am trying to make the baby shower special, but without a lot of the fuss that my friend is putting so much importance on.

I need some advice on how to tackfully put on the inviation that it is imparitive that they RSVP, if they intend to attend. I don't want to buy alot of food for people who do not intend to show (I don't have the budget for it). Also, I want to have a small intimate shower with out the circus. If she had it her way, she will buy gifts for all the children that come and gifts for all the guests, which I am not doing!!! She already wants to rent a bouncy room for all of the kids she is believes will be also attending the shower.

Am I being unreasonable or should I just let her have all the say in her shower planning?

Thank you for letting me vent and some sound advice is greatly appreciated.

Thank you,
November Cakes

First of all.. Here in my neck of the woods, we don't serve alcohol at baby showers. Second of all... We certainly don't rent bouncy rooms for the kids because they usually don't attend or if a parent HAS to bring one it is usually only one or two kids max. Maybe we are ignorant but usually the ladies (or men) invited attend and we play a few games, sit around and talk and eat. I would tell her to chill out and let me plan the shower or let someone else plan, prepare food, and make a cake for the party. I can't stand someone who is not a bit grateful for something I am trying to do for them. I would NEVER proceed to tell someone how to throw me a baby shower! HOW RUDE!!!
I usually don't post because I don't want to be bashed in the head for my opinion but ungratefulness is one of my pet peeves. Sorry if I offend.

I agree with Dordee wholeheartedly.

If you are "giving" this baby shower for your friend, the key word being giving, you get to be in charge. If your friend doesn't like what you are planning, then maybe she would be happier doing it herself (or get someone who will be willing to let her run the show!)

She should show some appreciation for the fact that you have plenty to do with the wedding and bridal shower, but are happy to do the baby shower too!

I don't understand what has happened to gratitude these days, nobody seems to appreciate what they receive.

100 people!?!?! You've got to be kidding me. That's a wedding reception, not a shower.

You are not being unreasonable! She is! You were right to tell her she can come and enjoy herself or plan one herself. Having a baby shower for someone is a gift to them. Would you buy all your own Christmas/birthday gifts and then give them to DH to wrap? She's being very ungrateful.

Find out if she's going to keep butting in or if she's going to let you do your thing, THEN continue planning. Don't stress yourself planning for Ms. Ungrateful until you know she's going to come and enjoy the shower, no matter what you have planned!

Thank you for your support and feedback, I apprecite them. I was feeling offended by my friend and needed to get it off my chest. I think that she should know who I am by now!. Sometimes I think that she feels that she is helping, but the reality is this: she really does have a big heart, but she has a way of making someone feel inferrior, or that their best isn't good enough. I know that it has something to do with her insecurities, these type of people have a fear that their needs will never be meet unless control things.

Is it ok to put in the invitation, an RSVP is of upmost importance so that I know how many guests to plan for, or something to that effect? I want to guarantee a head count.

Thank you again,
Novembercakes

I'm of the opinion that RSVP's are totally worthless because most people are rude, crude and stupid about what it means and why they are needed.

I have seen RSVP's worded "RSVP Regrets Only", meaning "Call me to let me know if you're NOT coming .... otherwise I'm assuming you WILL be there." This sometimes seems to motivate people into "Uh oh! I better tell her I wont' be there!"

It also seems to be a motivator to get people to show up ..... At the last minute they find the buried invitation in their junk-mail pile; since they didn't RSVP, they are thinking, "Well, I can't go because I didn't tell her I'd be there." On the flip side, they find the invite in the junk-mail pile, see the "RSVP Regrets Only" and they are thinking, "Well I have to go because I didn't tell her I wouldn't be there, so she's expecting me."

But don't bank on it .. because people in general are rude, crude and stupid about RSVP's.

I gave my husband a 40th birthday party and I remember thinking that people appeared to be more responsive on the "Regrets Only" kind than the other kind. I've no idea how true it is or if it was all in my head.

Alcohal at a baby shower? Really?? Wow I must have missed out at my showers!

First of all this person wouldn't even be a friend of mine! But I would tell her to plan and pay for her own shower! She seems to be completely self-centered.........she's in for a shock when the baby comes!

Now, I know because you ARE her friend (bless your heart) you will throw a wonderful shower for her. I would have a heart to heart with her and tell her how you feel.(Probably not cuz I'm such a chicken, but that is my suggestion anyway )

About the RSVP, I would rather get one that says regets only, but I'm thinking most men would have NO clue what either of them mean!

That's a tough one about the RSVP's......how do you say, "Please don't be an @ss by NOT rsvp'ing to the party - I really need to know how many people to buy food for" in a polite way? I mean some people just don't get it!

My SIL and I recently gave our cousin a baby shower and out of about 25 invitations sent out, only 2 people responded! SIL ended up calling the ones who didn't and the common response was, "We're family - we don't have to RSVP!!!" WHAT??? So, since you're family....we don't have to feed you?

Another common response was, "Oh you know we (ethnic race) never RSVP...but we'll be there!" Sorry, but being a specific race isn't a legitimate reason to be rude...or ignorant for that matter!

Urk. Most people have absolutely NO social competence at all whatsoever.

100 peeps at a shower? That's no shower, that's a giftgrab.

My sister gives parties like that, where she invites half the city and only a couple of people show up. We all end up eating her leftover party food for weeks afterwards. She did it for her wedding, too...I was worried that she wouldn't have enough guests for it to feel like an occasion, so I offered to invite my husband's family (safe enough because it was a cash bar) and she said that she had invited 125 people and their guests and couldn't possibly have anyone else. She had probably 30 people at the wedding.

Anyhow, one thing that might help with getting people to RSVP would be to put postcards in the invitation that they can use to respond...keep in mind that it's a bunch of men that she's planning to invite and that the invitations might never make it to the wives, who might actually feel like going or know what RSVP stands for But a postcard with a stamp on it would probably make it into the mail, especially if it had a box to check for attending or not attending, and a place to fill in the number of guests.

Your pregnant friend sounds like she should be working as an event planner Tell her that she can break the bank for the baptism party, or the first birthday party, but that you have enough on your plate with the bridal shower and wedding, and that it will be fun, but that you can't manage some huge gala.

Oh, I know a good game to play at the baby shower...take different kinds of candy bars, melt each in the microwave, and put it in a diaper with a number on it...then everyone gets a little slip of paper to write all their guesses on, and whoever's got the most right gets a prize.

First of all, alcohol is a huge NO NO for pregancy. Why will you be serving it? It adds a huge expense to the bill as well. If someone gets tipsy and drives home, gets into an accident, YOU are at fault.

I have thrown showers and weddings where no one rsvp's. It just doesn't seem to be done anymore. I call them and pin them down on an answer. That seems to work the best. Call them about a week before to confirm.

Ok, let me be clear on the alchol comment I made, she isn't drinking during her pregnancy...she is intelligent enough to know better. I few bottles of wine at a baby shower is not a big deal.

My concern is the RSVP situation and the ability of the men to get them to their wives. I have another concern but I think it is best to discuss it with her. It is my feeling that she wants to feel very important, since this is her first child she is giving birth to, she does have custody of her niece and has raised her very well over the past 6 years. My friend does have a tendency to be selfish in many ways, I fortuantely have the luxury of being able to be honest with her about things.

Everyone's input is very much appreciated and the RSVP suggestions will be taken into much consideration.

Everyone have a great week and Thank you again,
Novembercakes

While Ive never been to a Shower where alcohol was served, i have heard of it, it was featured on a show called Yummy MUmmy, some of you may have heard of it. On the show it also made a baby shower, which i thought was traditionally women, a co-ed event. I think your friend is crazy, for expecting you to shell out a fortune, the event is suppossed to be about her not catering to the kids with a bouncy thing or the adult guest by letting them get tanked. The idea about including a stamped post card with the invite is good, maybe include a nice slip of paper that says if a postcard isnt recieved we'll assume youre not coming, but in a nicer, more appropriate way or like someone else said if you havenet had rsvp by a specific date, start calling ppl. Oh and Texas Rose that games awesome

I always find regional differences very interesting and I completely understand that things aren't done the same way everywhere. But what you are describing does not sound fair to you or right.

I live in the land of multiple showers, smaller showers, showers where immediate family members have very little input or control of the shower. It is considered a gift that friends get together and give, if they want to, under their own terms. The bride or the mom-to-be usually have some input in who they might like to see there, but they don't run the show. These showers are not huge big to-dos. They are usually held in homes or in church fellowship halls, sometimes at a local tearoom. There are a few tidbits to eat, usually a cake, and some punch. Everyone eats, has polite conversation, a few laughs, oohs and ahhs over the presents and goes home.

Even if things are done very differently, I don't see why you should be your friends personal slave for this event. It is perfectly reasonable to offer to do a shower but state that you can only accommodate a certain size group. If the people at work want to give her a shower (which would probably be a very casual no frills thing, yet?), then they should do that. Her best buds from work, yes, you could accommodate them. I'm accustomed to workplaces often having small, very low-key "showers". They go to lunch together, or all meet during a short break, or something like that. Cake and punch, open some presents, back to work.

Can you just tell her how many people you can accommodate and let her choose her list by that?

I agree with those above! 100 people at a shower? That is not a shower, thats a full out party. To me showers are a bunch of ladies getting together chatting, complimenting the lady of the hour on whatever it is we are there for, eatting sadwhiches cut in triangles, punch with sorbet in it, a cake, sitting in a circle watching her open gifts then a few horrible games then home. I am not a huge fan of showers but I know if someone was nice enough to throw me one I would not spend my time telling them what to do, ...well except make sure the cake was done by one of the amazing members of cakecentral!!!

This is in no way a slam against men, but I don't think you should expect her coworkers to remember to tell their wives about this event. Chances are, most of them will not do this. It's just a man thing.

People in general are just crappy about RSVPing these days.

And frankly, I think you need to have a serious heart-to heart with your friend. Let her know that while she probably thinks she is being helpful, that instead she is making everything difficult. Play the "I'm already so busy with my brother's wedding, that if you don't think I can throw you a nice shower go ahead and plan your own party. I will focus on the wedding instead."
Sounds like she needs a serious wake up call on how ungrateful she is being and that this is a baby shower, not a birthday party (bouncy house, are you kidding me )

She doesn't want a party, she just wants a big party at your expense. You are very sweet to give her a shower but I don't think you can meet her expectations since she is the only one who knows how to do it right. This is very selfish on her part to want a huge party, with alcohol and a bouncy room?!

I don't mind have co-ed showers, in fact, I gave one just a couple of weeks ago. The couple is in our small group, she is from the Phillipines and his family lives far away and they really don't know many people. We wanted couples to have enough people for a shower. It was fun and relaxed but we had to make the guys come.

If the guys have to tell their wives/girlfriends, they are not going to remember. I hate to be a downer but this is not going to go the way she wants. Best wishes to you and let us know how it turns out. I know you'll do the best you can for her and give her something really nice, whether she appreciates it or not.

Your friend needs to go to her male coworkers, get their addresses, and mail the invites to the wives. I think it's best to bypass male involvement completely, especially when plans are being made. Can you tell dh and his friends have screwed things up in the past? Put your phone # and email address for the RSVP contact info, so the ladies can shoot you off an email and not feel funny if they don't know you.

Down in GA where I grew up, people had a lot of small showers. There was the "church lady" shower, the "high school friends" shower, the "work friends" shower, etc. And it was definitely a no-no for a family member to host a shower! When I moved up north, I was astounded to see massive showers thrown by the mothers. Some showers are so large, they have the guest of honor on a stage with a microphone, someone actually has the gift almost opened for the guest honor, and they hand it to the GOH to finish opening.

As far as alcohol, I see nothing wrong with having some. Esp. with a group like that. You're throwing a lot of people that normally wouldn't get together in a room together, everyone's a little uncomfortable, so let them have a glass of wine and relax. My shower was a co-ed one, and the men stayed down in the basement with a keg while the ladies opened gifts and ate tea sandwiches upstairs in the "good" living room.

The email address for the RSVP is a great idea! I do this with any invite I send out now. For some reason, people can shoot off an email saying they will or won't be there but never pick up the phone to call and tell you the same thing

Hi All,

Thank you again for all of your support and I am really appreciating the positive responses, I like the e-mail RSVP response as well. I think that I will take that suggestion into consideration. In hopes that it is not rude, I think I will find the appropriate words to stress that they need to RSVP so that I can accommidate the quests that will be attending.

You are all wonderful people for your support.

Have a great week,
November cakes

Not to be a downer, but if my husband brought home an invite from a co-worker I would not go. Unless I was friends with that woman. I know for a fact that DH would not go to a baby shower. I would buy a $20 gift card and sent it to her wishing her all the best.

I am from the south and we always invite female friends over for finger foods, cake and punch. Play a few games, open presents and that really about it. A few of the co-ed showers are more of a dinner party type of thing, still very low key. And no bounce houses!

In addition who ever pays for the shower plans the shower. I would just let my friend know that you are on a budget, and if she really wants this huge party then maybe she should take over planning it. Everyone understands budget angle.

What ever you decide good luck.

Can you just sit down with her and say, I've thought about this and this is what I have time and money to do....X people and a menu similar to Y and no naked men jumping out of the cake pouring everyone shots?

If she wants something else you will happily make a cake for 100 and buy her a nice gift.

If she wants to throw herself a big party, she should go for it. Just because SHE wants to be in control and is pregnant doesn't mean YOU need to let her take advantage of you.

Just my 2 cents worth, I gave a couples wedding shower last year and I told the couple to supply me with their list and that was the only input they were allowed. The mother of the groom, tried to run the shower, but I just did it my way since I was paying for everything. We had both non-alcohol punch and alcohol punch. Guess which one was a hit. Anyway, getting an answer to a rsvp is rarely successful. You might state on the invitation that if you do not hear from them that you are understanding that they will not be present. Leave your email address, phone numbers that they can contact you and possibly another person that can actually relay the message to you. Make sure you give a deadline for the rsvp. Good Luck with both showers

[quote="BigTexinWV"]Not to be a downer, but if my husband brought home an invite from a co-worker I would not go. Unless I was friends with that woman. I know for a fact that DH would not go to a baby shower. I would buy a $20 gift card and sent it to her wishing her all the best.

/quote]

My feelings exactly. I know (heard of) most of the people my husband works with, but I"m not friends with them. I wouldn't go. I'd send a baby gift/gift card once the baby is born.
A shower is to me, a smaller friends/family gathering and you get a few gifts. This one sounds like the person wants every thing that the baby needs for life supplied by everyone else.

Concerning RSVPs, I put "RSVP: Confirmations Only," and put my phone number and email address on the invitation. If someone is not coming, they really don't care about contacting you.

Alcohol at a baby shower? I've never heard of that and wouldn't even consider that.

I think a few bottles of wine at a shower are appropriate. But then, I live in wine country!

I have take to sending out invitations and not putting the location on. They can find out when they call to RSVP.

I agree with a lot of the advice already given. I would affirm the idea of sitting her down and saying... I am able to spend $$$ on your shower-if you have your heart set on a bigger shower others will need to cohost and chip in-please ask them. Then have her set her priorities, and with her set the budget so she can see what you can and can not afford. You are a good friend and want her to have what she wants, which is not always what you know is in good taste.

Besides putting out the email address, ask her for phone #s, and before you buy or finalize the room and food etc. get a little band of friends together and give some calls to the guys that didn't respond-you usually get a better count.

As for booze at the shower. In my neck of the woods these productions go on for four hours or longer. I haven't had kids in 30 years and can not stay focused on three hours of opening the cute little gifts unless I have a nice glass of white wine in my hand. and I am not a drinker.

I say that if you are having to watch someone "ooh" and "aah" over onesies and baby gear-especially 100 people's worth!-you will need to drink to get through it! Is she registering for every single thing in Babies R Us? I don't think I know 100 people....