I Feel Like My Marriage Is .......(Really Long Sorry)

Lounge By SueW Updated 28 May 2008 , 9:19pm by Ah-na

SueW Posted 14 May 2008 , 11:49pm
post #1 of 16

falling apart! I have been married almost 9 years and have a 3 and 4 1/2 year old. I will try to be brief but my husband took a job on Long Island and we live in NJ, ever since things have gone down hill. Keep in mind we have had issues our whole marriage but I think this could be the breaking point. There are 2 big issues, 1. my husbands job rules our lives, he is never home and when he is finally here he is so exhausted he goes to bed. He loves his job and in my opinion is putting us in 2nd place. Yesterday he was to finally be home early and it has turned into him actually not coming home for the past 2 nights due to work. I always said I 'd never put up with that because when men travel they stray!

Hence my second issue, I have NO faith in him not to cheat. As far as I know he hasn't but he has left me to wonder on MANY occasions. When we first got married he was in a hotel traveling but wouldn't answer the phone, I made the front desk go pound on his door and they told me they heard a voice and he was in there. HOURS later he answered and said he was "sick in the bathroom". I didn't buy it. Let me preface this by saying my husband is "mr. nice guy" to everyone. We have had issue os him being "too kind" to other woman etc and acting inappropriately.

About 5 months ago his was away again on "business" and his cell phone dialed my house by accident at 3 AM and all I could here was him drunk talking to another woman. I tried to call him back and he didn't answer, I finally had to call him boss to find my husband. I think he cheated but I have not proof.

Finally I just found out he and his secretary both slept in his bosses vacatoin home last night while working on a case. I lost my mind and told him I was leaving him and I didn't want him to come home. I just told trust him because there is always something fishy going on.

He knows his marriage is in crisis, stays up all night "working" and never called us today until 7 PM and I went ballistic again.

He told me it isn't fair to make him choose between and a job and his family. HELLO????? Shouldnt' that be a no brainer? He is a lawyer and can work any where. This job has been a thorn in our marriage since he took it.

I don't know how to decide when Ihave had enough and leave. I have 2 little kids and gave up my career to stay home with them. I am a former teacher so I guess I could go back to that but it would mean putting my son in day care and it would kill me because my daughter did have to do that. I am so scared to leave with no $ and little kids to feed. Any advice? Doesn't it sound like he has cheated ? and how can I be sure. I am a wreck. sorry this is so long.

15 replies
redhare Posted 15 May 2008 , 12:23am
post #2 of 16

I don't have any advice or words of wisdom, but all I can say is you need to trust you gut! I'll be thinking of you I know this is hard and no answer will be easy... BIG HUGS

imagine76 Posted 15 May 2008 , 1:43am
post #3 of 16

i think if you agree to divorce (and i'm not saying you should) he'd have to support you and the kids until your little one goes to school since that's what you mutually agreed upon. you'd have to call a lawyer and ask some questions. (does it sound like i've done this before?)

tough call girlfriend. no one can tell you what to do. listen to your heart i guess. do what's right for you and your kids. good luck.

veejaytx Posted 15 May 2008 , 8:29am
post #4 of 16

Your story sounds so familiar, I lived it myself many years ago. My husband and I stayed together for almost 28 years (each for our own reasons) and it never got any better...there was always suspicion and distrust and no security. That is no way to live your life!

Good luck, whatever you decide to do.

Texas_Rose Posted 15 May 2008 , 9:37am
post #5 of 16

This sounds like a tough situation to be in...I think I would reach the same conclusions that you have, about the possibility of him cheating. I don't really have any advice for you, just sympathy. It's really terrible to feel like you can't leave because you don't know how you would provide for your children. I went through a period where I wanted to leave my husband and couldn't, because I couldn't provide for my kids alone (my husband is a security guard though, so the child support would be a lot less).

I think, if you decide to leave him, you should talk to a lawyer before you and the kids move out of the house. It would make more sense for you to stay in the house (and make him pay the mortgage) so the kids didn't have an upsetting move right now.

Daycare wouldn't be that bad for your son, if you end up going that route. He's had three years at home with you already, which is more than most kids get before they go to daycare. He's not going to know that his sister had more time at home with you than he did...all he'll know is that his sister is going to school, and he is too icon_biggrin.gif

Good luck with your decision (((big hugs)))

CoveredInCake Posted 15 May 2008 , 11:45am
post #6 of 16

((hugs))

KHalstead Posted 15 May 2008 , 11:50am
post #7 of 16

I don't have any advice for you really.......just wanted to let you know I will be praying for you and your family and to let you know that I personally used to be such a suspicious person of my DH, not because he deserved it (he really didn't have any opportunities to cheat anyhow) but because I was just insecure (not in any way suggesting that's what's going on with you, your situation is completely different).

*****Edited by Mod*****

nancylynwallace Posted 15 May 2008 , 12:03pm
post #8 of 16

Sue,

First of all...you need a hug (((((((((((((HUG)))))))))))! I felt like I was reading my old life's story when I read this. ALWAYS trust your "gut" feeling, it won't steer you wrong. Hopefully, he will see the light and change jobs, but if he isn't willing to, then there is definately a problem! I don't know if you have set up an identity of your own, but you need to. Get your own bank account, your own credit card and stash as much money away as possible. With your husband being a lawyer, he knows how to get away without paying you a fair amount if things don't work out. He will have to pay child support, and I don't know about N.J. but in Maryland, we had to split everything acquired during the marriage down the middle, even though he was the SOB who was cheating. It really sucks. I am praying that everything will work out for you. I am not too far away from you, so if you need to talk, PM me and I will be there for you. If nothing else, I will meet you 1/2 way between Maryland and NJ.

Hugs,
Nancy

veejaytx Posted 15 May 2008 , 1:47pm
post #9 of 16

Yes, you definitely need to start getting things in your own name, bank account, credit cards, even store credit cards, to establish yourself as an individual, not as his wife. Amen to stashing the cash!

My dear ex (also a lawyer) even stopped billing his clients so he could avoid sharing that income with me. Our kids were grown by then, guess he didn't figure he owed me anything!

I stayed because I was terrified of being alone in the world, I never had been before as I went from my family to married to him. He claimed to have stayed "for the kids" ...HA! to that. Our youngest was 17 when we split!

Can you count on your family for backup and support if you separate and divorce? That can make a whole lot of difference too!

Wish there was an easy way to get through this, but as far as I know there isn't. Yes, here are more hugs, share some with your kids!

dldbrou Posted 16 May 2008 , 1:25am
post #10 of 16

You are in a very difficult place. The questions I would ask myself are, if money wasn't a problem, what would I do? Also, how many people would I want in my bed, because if he is cheating, then all the ones he is sleeping with are also in your bed. Get yourself checked out first then insist he get checked if you decide to stay with him. Next, how do you want your children to view your marriage, loving or distrusting? Children are very good at adjustments and daycare is not your biggest problem. It seems that guilt is weighing in as part of your problem, meaning not staying home with your child, marriage is failing, not being able to provide them with the luxuries of being married to a lawyer. This all sounds harsh, but I have recently watched my sister go through a public scandal with her husband. He was suppose to be an upstanding man with a position as a principal in a Catholic School. It turned out that he was leading a double life. He was not only having an affair with his secretary, (my sister also works at the same school) he was stealing from the school. He was Mr. Cool and how dare anyone question his actions. This hit my sister blindsided. She was totally clueless and it was broadcast on the news the day she found out and they searched her house for evidence. She finally divorced him, but insisted that he share time with the kids. Her son has turned out to be a duplicate of him, not only in looks, but sneaky. You see, he was able to get away with no jail time and his kids think that what he did was not a big deal. The only person that is at fault in their predicament is the woman he had an affair with according to his children. He has no morals and that is the way they were able to fire him.

Your situation is not this bad, but in my book a sneak is a sneak and can never be trusted. My ex-brother-in-law is now a sleazy car salesman in the same city.

Maybe your husband would go to counseling with you. I would also take steps in securing a bank account and credit. I would not leave the house and I would get my own lawyer that can handle taking a case against another colleague and maybe get a Private Investigator. Best of Luck

peg818 Posted 16 May 2008 , 1:01pm
post #11 of 16

I didn't read everyone else's answers to you. BUT you have two small children and a lawyer for a husband, IF you decide to leave (and really that can only be you can make that choice) You need to plan carefully.

From lining up money and a job and daycare. As long as you are not in a abusive relationship, you can take some time and plan your future.

Good luck to you and your family.

mommyof3boyz Posted 23 May 2008 , 12:52am
post #12 of 16

Wow...my heart goes out to you. What a horrible situation to find yourself in. You feel so vulnerable when you become a mother, every decision you make not only affects you, but it affects the kids too. icon_cry.gif I've been married for 9 1/2 years and we have 3 kids.

If you're unhappy, it is not healthy. You can't make anyone change. They are who they are. A marriage has to be based on trust. Once that is lost, then the relationship has been badly damaged. Try looking at the next 9 years of your life.... how much longer can you put up with late nights, no real communication or relationship with your husband and how many more times are you going to have to make yourself look like some sort of neurotic wife who constantly needs to track down her husband? Is this what you really want? Think about the example you set for your children. Parents who choose to stay together "for the kids' sake" end up doing more damage to their children than good.

One more thing. I'm a legal secretary. I can assure you I have NEVER had to sleep anywhere other than my own home at night. icon_confused.gif On the very rare occasion that I've worked late with my boss, I was in constant contact with my husband via email and telephone (and we have call display at home so he knows I was at the office). I work for a huge law firm. I specifically work for 2 very successful, very busy litigators. They put in long hours - the secretary does not (hey if you're not paying me millions of dollars a year, why do I want to hang out at work any longer than I have to?).

Follow your heart. You have a lot of people thinking about you here and who care what happens to you and your family. Put your faith in God and you'll do what is right for you and the kids. Just remember, what is right isn't necessarily what is easy.

HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS HUGS!!!!

Remember, you are special and you deserve to be treated as such. thumbs_up.gif

bec_elias Posted 24 May 2008 , 2:41am
post #13 of 16

My husband and I went through a tough time also. You could try to find a good therapist if saving the marriage is what you want, and if you can get him to go. We did that for a year, and I will forever be glad that we did. If nothing else it would be a good place for you to confront him about things that are bothering you, with a third non biased party there for support. Plus, if it hadn't worked out, she would have helped us through a divorce.
I know it wouldn't work for everyone, but it was great for us.

I am so very sorry that you have to feel so lonely and sad right now. I will be thinking of you.

michellenj Posted 28 May 2008 , 1:03pm
post #14 of 16

You've gotten some good advice here. I think that counseling is a good idea, it helped me and dh, but if your husband is too busy to come home at night, then I imagine he will be too busy to make time for therapy. Personally, I'd hire the investigator, but what you find out might be scary. Plan carefully, then make your move. Once things get in motion, they take on a life of their own and it will be hard to stop them.

Good luck!

costumeczar Posted 28 May 2008 , 7:52pm
post #15 of 16

This is a terrible place for you to be in...I'm so sorry. If you think that you can handle whatever you find out, I'd hire an investigator. My father was cheating on my mother, and denied it up until the day before their divorce deposition. If she didn't have a receipt that she found for some sleazy lingerie that he'd bought for the girlfriend, she wouldn't have been able to prove anything. When his lawyer found out that she had physical proof, my father suddenly agreed to give her what she wanted in the financial settlement because he didn't want to go to court and have to be found out in public. The more evidence you have the better for your financial outcome. Just be aware that if you do find out that your husband is cheating you'll have to deal with it, but in a way it's better to know...

Ah-na Posted 28 May 2008 , 9:19pm
post #16 of 16

I'm sorry this is happening to you. My husband is always out of town or spending the night at his office for his job too so I understand how draining that can be. I never have had any suspensions of cheating but you should talk to him about what was different in the first 9 years of marriage and see if you can get back to that. Have you tried a marriage counselor? Hope you can work it all out.

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