Contemplating Divorce... Been There?

Lounge By Cakenicing4u Updated 14 Apr 2008 , 1:30pm by Cakenicing4u

Cakenicing4u Posted 25 Mar 2008 , 2:59am
post #1 of 17

I need someone or a bunch of someone's I can talk to about my crazy life right now. I'm married nine years and I'm thinking about divorce. I've been thinking about it for years and years and If I don't follow thru this year, I'm going to lose some friends... because they are as sick of hearing me whine as I am. For two days at work, I didn't even talk becuase I'm sick of saying the same old stuff. I need to leave and I don't know how or where to begin. We have no kids and a boatload of bills. There's complicating issues, like the exchange student that is here until June and the friend that wants to be more to me. icon_redface.gif I never thought that I would be saying this but, has anyone 'been there' that can talk to me when I need a hug?

16 replies
fmcmulle Posted 25 Mar 2008 , 11:16am
post #2 of 17

I went through a very nasty divorce almost 20 years ago and I wouldn't wish it on anyone but I also don't think someone should stay in a marriage that they are not totally devoted to. I know alot of people stay married for the sake of their children but you said you have no children so I am not sure why you are making yourself miserable. No one can make the decision for you. As far as the exchange student I think you may have to wait until he/she leaves. Its not going to be an easy thing to do. Does your husband know how you feel? I am in no way trying to give you advise, I am just speaking from previous experience. If I lived closer I would definitely be there to listen to you because I had no one that wanted to listen to me either but I was totally opposite I never talked about the issues we were having with anyone. So everyone was shocked when I left him. I wish you all the best and I am sending you lots of hugs!!!!! If you ever want to talk just pm me and I will talk to you.
Take care
Faye

JodieF Posted 25 Mar 2008 , 9:48pm
post #3 of 17

I left my husband of over 20 years about 7 years ago. It was the hardest thing I'd ever been through, but then we had 3 kids. I had needed to leave him years before, but I couldn't bring myself to. I was basically terrified of being alone and hurting my kids. But, I finally realized a very simple thing. You only get one life! If you are unhappy and do nothing to improve your life, then you only have one person to blame.
It was hard, but I got through it, and so will you.
*hugs*

Jodie

indydebi Posted 25 Mar 2008 , 11:04pm
post #4 of 17

Been there also 20+ years ago with 2 kids. It was a violent marriage, a miserable life, and it still took me too long to come to that decision.

As I was going thru the contemplation stage, I was asking all of my divorced friends, "How did you know it was time or the right thing to do?" They ALL said, "one day you wake up and you just know."

I said, "No, guys, you're not listening. How did you KNOW when it was time?"

They said, "It just hits you one day and you JUST. KNOW."

And gosh darn gee that's EXACTLY how it happened. I was sitting watching TV and I just started crying, got up, called my sister, and told her, "I'm leaving. I'm done."

It's scary to make a life decision like this one. We're scared of the unknown, we're scared of making it on our own, we're even a little scared of what everyone will say.

I will bet that maybe part of your hesitation is because you don't have everything all figured out yet. ("We have a lot of bills"). *IF* this becomes the decision you make, you don't have to have it all figured out. One, your attorney will help you with that. Two, all things change during the divorce process, so it doesn't matter what master plan you may have already put together.

P.S. Be aware of something that was the best piece of advice I was given. "The first time they hear about it, people will think it's the first time you've thought about it." Meaning if/when you tell your family/friends that you're divorcing, they will start questioning you about "now have you thought about this, have you tried that...?", like you woke up this morning, couldn't get a hair appt, so just decided to get divorced instead. Like you haven't already spent what feels like a lifetime anguishing over this decision. OVerlook it, don't stress over it ...it's just human nature; it's their way of trying to be helpful. It's irritating and you wanna smack 'em in the head .... but it's normal.

DecoratingDingbat Posted 26 Mar 2008 , 6:59am
post #5 of 17

I left my first marriage 12yrs ago with 2 children, and 2 garbage bags full of their clothes. It wasn't easy, but I was surprised at the weight that lifted off me once I actually took charge of my own life and followed through with my decision. When a woman leaves you can bet the marriage has been over for at least a year, rarely are women impulsive at disolving 'bond' or 'oath'. Most of us tolerate alot, and think alot about it before we actually do it. Usually there is a sense of relief and freedom when you decide it's time. Make sure it's for you, and not the 'friend' though - that sounds like a whole new topic.
You have 3 - 4 months before the exchange student leaves. See a lawyer now, you don't have to be seperated or living apart to be advised of your best course. Maybe start saving a little extra $, think about where you want to go and what you want to be responsible for (ie: which car payments can you afford, etc.) You don't have to be impulsive, but if your not happy you do have to do something. If your not ready to carry it through by the time the exchange student deadline - well... keep saving and you'll have a plan for when you are ready. You have to be willing to accept whatever your decision though - if you stay you can't keep going on about how miserable you are - that gets old with people quick. You have no children and the effect on them to consider, therefor you have the freedom to decide. You never know he may be expecting this, and may also be relieved when it finally ends -- who knows?
My Mom's saying on divorce: Woman are like roses in a divorce - after all the bullshit , they grow and blossom into more beautiful flowers.

miss_sweetstory Posted 26 Mar 2008 , 10:28am
post #6 of 17

First, Lots of Hugs for you.

I divorced my first husband after four years of marriage...after four years of knowing I didn't want to be married to him. That was an agonizing time. I spent a lot of time angry and disappointed in myself...that I had allowed myself into that situation.

Like you we didn't have any children, but we did have some significant debt.

Finally, the event that broke the camel's back happened and I was done. For me the scariest thing was telling my father, a very religious man who had a very long and seemingly happy marriage with my mother. I thought he would be furious with me...actually he was the most supportive person throughout the whole thing.

Most of the difficulties that come with a childless divorce (debt, housing, being 'alone' etc.) can be overcome. It's not easy, but it becomes easier to deal with when you get out from under the misery and give yourself some time to build a more positive outlook.

You just need to make the first step, then it's one step at a time after that. Just keep moving forward. Your first step could be finding a lawyer or a paralegal (some states allow them to prepare and file paperwork...in MN I prepared and filed my own so all I had to pay was a filing fee), or to find yourself some housing, or to start saving money towards one of these things.

Please feel free to PM me if you want to talk.
Ann

veejaytx Posted 26 Mar 2008 , 1:11pm
post #7 of 17

Like the others, "been there, done that" many years ago. I think one of the first advice being given to women these days who are contemplating leaving is to start to establish yourself as an individual, get things like credit cards and accounts in your own name.

Start yourself a bank account, and if you can, start getting some money together for the time that you leave. Since you may need to stay for the student, you have time to do some of those things.

Wish I had some specific places to go for this advice, but I think if you do a Google search for divorce advice, you will find a lot of information.

Emotionally, well, that is another thing. It is hard to face the fact that it is time to go, but obviously you know that now. Like the others, I stayed too long, there was no abuse, and my kids were essentially grown, but it is scary to be on your own and we hang on out of fear of the unknown.

I wish you the very best, and hope it works out well for you. Janice

ida13c Posted 28 Mar 2008 , 10:53am
post #8 of 17

Hi! I was just reading the replies to your post and I tink that you have been given some real down to earth and very intelligent advice. thumbs_up.gif for cake people!!!!

Divorce is tough, even when you want it because you have to admit that you were wrong...and that takes courage!Count your blessings that you don't have to go hrough custody battles and constant arguing about the children, and what a terrible parent the other one is...

You know in your heart when enough is enough, and I wish you strength and courage ti follow it.

varmest wishes
Ida

wgoat5 Posted 2 Apr 2008 , 11:32am
post #9 of 17

I agree with everybody ..

Don't stay in a marriage if you are not happy at all!!! Why be miserable for 50 more years?

Remember that even though you are wanting to leave and will leave or if you do leave you will still have the sad feelings... I know I did icon_sad.gif ... I did feel better but at the same time I felt I had failed

You aren't a failure.. and you didn't cause this yourself... .it takes 2 for a marriage to fail .. so with that big ky hugs to you!!!!!

You will find people will support your decision!

Christi

Cakenicing4u Posted 3 Apr 2008 , 4:12am
post #10 of 17

icon_cry.gif Thank you all! icon_cry.gificon_cry.gif

It sure helps to know that there are other people out there that can say 'been there, done that'! I have no real idea why I have stayed here this long... all I talk about is leaving.. then I think about the debt and it overwhelms me... and I think, it's going to be easier to handle together. and then I wake up or talk to him or see something or work 16 hrs straight and I get angry all over again.

I'm scarred... yes, scar-red not scared. My best friend from high school got married in 11th grade, pregnant... and I loved her and her husband very much. At just about 9 years of marriage, as I am now, something changed, and they seperated. Long story short, a month later, the husband was dead, suicide. I stopped talking to her not long after because I couldn't understand how after 10 years and two kids, she could leave him like that! Well, now i feel like such a schmuck because I was not the friend I should have been.

Everyone of my friends and most of my family will support and understand my decision to leave.. Most will NOT accept my plans for where to go and what to do. I plan to go and stay with a very close friend. and see what happens. I will be renting a room for a ridiculously low amount while paying off my debt, finding myself. We work seperate shifts and I have three jobs, so I don't want a relationship to start too quickly. He knows what I have been through. I believe that he will respect me, and my decision. We've been through a lot together. I helped him at his worst points, Drugs, alcohol, engaged to my old boss, the human heat vacuum, yeah, he owes me a favor for sure. This is the part my family will not accept. But, I'm NOT moving in with mom and dad, and i'm not going to shirk my responsiblity on my debt just to have a place to live.

My student is the best thing that happened to me in the last few years. I wanted a student because I love hosting, and I have a lot to offer a student. My people see what all I have done for her, with her, and with them, and can't understand why I can't see the good in me enough to see the bad in my life. One of my girls said "It's like your a balloon and he's sucking the air out of you."

So the next questions is... ugh., My student leaves june 14th and my 10th anniversary is July 11th. When do I leave? There's not going to be a party, that's for darn sure!

DecoratingDingbat Posted 3 Apr 2008 , 6:47am
post #11 of 17

You can't let things like Anniversaries sway your decision, like you said there won't be any party - honestly, probably just more disappointments. If your mind is made up, you have to let go of that 'stuff' now. You'd just be putting on an act anyway ... now it's just another day. I know it's hard, but you also need to stop living your life because of your fear in what he may do - or your fear of other people's opinions - or debts. Things have away of working out over time, and these fears have away of turning into nothing more than excuses over time. As far as he goes, I bet he's more aware of how you feel than your giving him credit for. He may not be as shocked and devastated as your dreading or thinking he will be. On some level I'm sure he knows, and he's either waiting for things to 'just get better' or for you to make the next move. It can't really be a complete surprise can it?

One thing you may consider, but it's never too late to call your friend and see how she's doing. Maybe appologize for not knowing how to handle the situation at the time? She may be happy to hear from you, and she may have a totaly different perspective on the situation. Hang on to all the girlfriends you can in life, they truly are invaluable support systems! Sometimes, girlfriends are unlike the men in our lives - the older we get, the more we love and need them.

Kiddiekakes Posted 5 Apr 2008 , 1:23pm
post #12 of 17

I have been there also...I was married for 2 years when I was 23...no children and I wasn't happy.I kept saying to myself..."Is this how I want to live and be in 25 years??" certainly not.I had contiplated leaving for about 9 months before I did..I got up one morning...packed everything I owned in garbage bags and went to my Mom and Dads....They were shocked and upset but once I explained all the things going wrong and no love..no sex....etc just living like roomates ...they understood!! Best thing I ever did!! It was hard and emotional but I got through it!! Today....I am 39 I am re-married and 2 beautiful children to the love of my life!!!

nancylynwallace Posted 9 Apr 2008 , 11:49am
post #13 of 17

I might be a newbie on cc but I'm a veteran of divorce. First, make sure that you have some money stashed away. Second, like someone else said, make sure that you have your own identity (checking account in your name only, maybe a credit card if possible). I know that you are miserable, but take your time. Maybe get all of your ducks in a row and have a place to go, then after the exchange student is gone, leave...unless your safety is in danger then GET OUT NOW!! I was in basically the same situation. A friend at work wanted to be more and I was really confused. Just don't jump right in with that person. Get to know them really good and they can be a good support system. I was so scared to leave (my husband was cheating on me). We were together for 25 years and he was my security blanket. Finally I caught him red-handed and that was it. It took me a couple of months to get myself ready, but I did it!! I have never looked back. The divorce was really nasty, but I survived it. That person that I worked with is now my husband and we have been happily married for 4 years. I never knew that life could be so good!! I am a different person now. Towards the end of my first marriage, I was just like you...didn't talk to anybody and went into a shell and cried all of the time. I see that you are in PA and I am in Maryland. So we are somewhat close. If you need a hug, just PM me and we can talk. Good luck to you, and remember that you are not alone!!

Hugs,
Nancy

P.S. Read my signature...that is what I am referring to!!

kettlevalleygirl Posted 9 Apr 2008 , 2:16pm
post #14 of 17

Nancy you are so right....it won't be easy, but it will be worth it in the end..I lost everything, plus there was some debt, but I walked out with three kids, no where to go, camped at my mom's for three months, basement suites for a while etc. Wasn't a lot of fun in that respect, but...I never lost sight of the fact that I was away from him and all the things that made our marriage wrong....I left 15 years ago, and found myself again...and after 4 years found the right man for me!!
And definately stay out of another relationship for a while, will cause nothing but trouble!! Get to know who you are by yourself, you will be strong...even when you think you can't be....
Good luck, Lorene

Cakenicing4u Posted 11 Apr 2008 , 1:41am
post #15 of 17

Thank you... thanks to everyone.. I see many are reading this thread, so i know I've passed through a lot of minds lately. today my boss got to listen to my ipod and she says that the music tells the story... from "I want to break free" to "You shouldn't kiss me like that" to "Moving on" She says it's sad but I say it's keeping me sane.

As for finances, i started that years ago.. my own checking acct's at two banks, my own credit card, my own loans, and I've been nuts about making good payments on them! I have good credit.. and to boot, the house and a consolidation loan are in my name, and mine alone. When hubby was laid off, we refinanced, and everything went into my name. Now you know why I have worked two jobs for five years, even now!

my boss and I were listening to "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus on the ipod, and I've determined that my martian has no martians to relate to. He needs martians. I get what they are saying in the tape and how men and women think and act differently, It all makes sense... but ya, he has no martians.

For those of you that have Really Really been there with the co=worker issue. You give wise counsel and words of wisdom. I waited for him to grow up and he needs to wait for me too. Wink.. he's younger, so he can. =)
I think I really hurt him the last time I went over... but I have to hold my ground. I don't want his stuff, and I don't want to take advantage of his kindness or what he's offering. If I go that route, I want to do it right, not because of one incredible foot-flipping, hang on for dear life kiss.

nancylynwallace Posted 11 Apr 2008 , 11:22am
post #16 of 17

I'm glad that you are taking your time!! It's really strange, my new husband is a few years younger than me (does that make me a cougar?)
icon_lol.gif There is a song off of the soundtrack from The First Wives Club movie called "Love is on the way". I listened to that song until the CD wore out. It helped me get through everything that I was going through. I do want to warn you, I'm not sure about how PA law is, but in Maryland, even though certain things are in your name only, if they were acquired during the marriage, they are considered his too. Doesn't that BITE...I paid for so many things on my own and my ex was still entitled to half. He took it too. Even though HE was the one cheating on me!! That's ok...I ended up winning in the end with a wonderful new life and new husband and he is still single and lonely. He got just what he deserved. I often see some of our old friends when I am out shopping and they tell me that they have told him what a jerk he was and that he lost the best thing that ever happened to him and he agrees. Oh well...it was his loss. Like I said before, if you need to talk, let me know!

Hugs,
Nancy

Cakenicing4u Posted 14 Apr 2008 , 1:30pm
post #17 of 17

HA... there's another song I can relate to... "GIve it away" by george straight... Just give it away. I don't want it... I dont' want the house, the stuff, the ring, etc. I just want freedom. But, since I'm based in reality, I'll take my share of the debt too. want to take my share of the debt and sign the house and the rest over to him. Easy, right? icon_confused.gif not really, but it's rather fair. Too fair, say some, but I just don't fight like that. I just want out. that's all.

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