Husand Comes Back Divorce Reconicialtion

Lounge By Missyleigh Updated 17 Jun 2008 , 6:11pm by adonisthegreek1

Missyleigh Posted 13 Mar 2008 , 12:15pm
post #1 of 50

My husband is trying to get back with me after leaving me for 4 months. He slept around n did many awful things. What should I do? Im 6 mos pregant with his baby. Help

49 replies
Kiddiekakes Posted 13 Mar 2008 , 12:23pm
post #2 of 50

Ahhh man...That is a tough one Missy!!! Only you can decide whether your relationship is worth salvaging and whether you can get past all the nasty things he has done...Word of advice.A leopard doesn't change his spots!!!

awolf24 Posted 13 Mar 2008 , 12:48pm
post #3 of 50

Wow - that is a tough situation. As Kiddiekakes said, you have to do what is best for you. I know that being pregnant makes it much more complicated but try to keep in mind what kind of environment you will be raising your child in if you decide to get back with your husband. I agree that "a leopard doesn't change his spots" (great advice). If he did all these terrible things once, odds are he'll do it again, and then it will affect both you AND your child.

fem128 Posted 13 Mar 2008 , 1:09pm
post #4 of 50

WOW, this is definitely a tough one. I agree with the above posters..."once a cheater always a cheater". Right now your #1 priority should be your baby. You have to take into consideration what kind of environment you want to raise your child in. It's unhealthy for you to be in a relationship with a person who has hurt you on so many different levels. He's is most likely going to this again and this time his actions will hurt your child too. If I were in your situation, I would not take him back. You have done OK on your own for so far. You will be fine. Just find a support system such as family and friends. You and your baby deserve better. I know how hard this is for you because I was once in a similar situation. I decided my daughter and I were better off on our own. He has been out of the picture for years and I'm now married to a wonderful guy.

Only can decide what it right for you and your baby. Good luck and I hope everything works out in your favor! thumbs_up.gif

GeorgiaGingerbread Posted 13 Mar 2008 , 1:19pm
post #5 of 50

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this during your pregnancy. I completely understand what you are going through though. I was in your position 7 years ago.

I was a young mother of a 2yr old son and 4 months pregnant with a fiance who I thought wanted to give me the world and a life long commitment. I moved my toddler and I clear across the country to begin a new life and family. After 2 weeks in our new home, my fiance tells me that it's not going to work. I guess he couldn't handle the pregnancy hormones and the reality of being a father and a husband. I refused to leave and insisted that I didn't make this baby by myself and his sorry a$$ would just have to deal. Boy was I scared! Alone in a strange city with no family or friends for thousands of miles! It was important to me for him to be there for the pregnancy and birth of my daughter. What he did after she was born was his choice, but atleast I could live with the fact I tried everything I could to make him see the big picture.

Now that's not to say that the rest of my pregnancy was a joy and that life was easy with him. He met women on the internet (lol...I hacked into his computer and voicemail) and had several sexual "affairs" during this time. He lied repeatedly and I was absolutely miserable at times.

The light bulb finally came on temporarily when our daughter was born and we did get married when she was 6 weeks old. He behaved for about 2 years and strayed again. I was ready with a lawyer and divorce papers when he about died on me when his Crohn's disease took over. I stayed by his side and remained devoted to the commitment I made.

We went through marriage counseling for about a year after that, which I don't know helped or make things worse at times. We have been doing great the past 3 years and our marriage and family is on the right path after all those difficult times.

But I still get teary eyed when I think about my pregnancy with my daughter and how it should have been one of the most wonderful moments in my life. Instead there are memories of all the difficult times I went through and how truely alone I was. Every now and then I still worry he'll stray, especially since I've been diagnosed when Lupus and my body is falling! It doesn't help that he's and airline pilot and he has cheated with flight attendants in the past. When he's gone 5 to 6 days at a time, you can't help but wonder. So...if you are flying jetBlue and you see a short and skinny first officer with curly brown hair messing around and his name

Anyway, sorry this is so long but I hope this provides you and any others with similar situations some guidance on what your future could hold. My story might even make some people feel better about their relationships and realize how great theirs are! LOL!

TheDomesticDiva Posted 13 Mar 2008 , 1:59pm
post #6 of 50

He will treat you awful again... someone can only walk all over you for as long as you let them. He's not going to change. He just wants you to beg him back so he can look like the hero, and then he'll do just what he wants to do again because you'll let him. I hate when people stay together just for the baby. Making the best life for your baby should be your priority, and getting back with someone who doesnt love you and wont love you like he should isn't the best life for your baby. It will just show your child that a) they can treat someone however they want to and it doesnt matter, or b) that they dont deserve someone that will treat them right. You're going to do what you want to anyway, but that's just my opinon on it. My mother put my sister, brother and I through HELL just to "keep the family together" and because she just "COULDNT" live without him on her own. We'd have been TONS better off without the emotional abuse and physical abuse he put her/us through. Parents always think they can shield their kids from it, and that they are doing the right thing by making him stay but in reality its tons better for the child to not be put through the crap of it all. I really didnt mean to come across as sounding too harsh, but I thought you might want an honest opinion. Good luck whatever you decide, I know it's not easy.

michellenj Posted 13 Mar 2008 , 2:52pm
post #7 of 50

How have you been doing without him?

What does your gut tell you to do?

indydebi Posted 13 Mar 2008 , 4:53pm
post #8 of 50

I dont' believe in the "once a cheater, always a cheater" concept. I do believe that people can make mistakes ONCE in their life. I know a guy who believes "once a druggy, always a druggy". I smoked pot when I was 16. That DOESN'T make me a "druggy" now. But in this guy's eyes, he thinks that what I did ONCE in my life means I'm going to do it once a month for the rest of my life. And that is just not logical.

However .... WHY does he want to come back? Did his girlfriend drop him? Did he find out that he's not the big Studdly Do Right that he THOUGHT he was and he's finding out the women are NOT beating his door down with a stick?

Or did he realize what a big jerk he was and is he truly sorry and wants to make amends.

Make your decision on your gut feeling. I do not recommend taking him back "for the sake of the children". In my opinion, children who grow up in a violent (not just physical, but lots of yelling, distrust, and arguing) turn out WAY worse than those who are raised by a loving, common sense, good head on their shoulders single parent.

TexasSugar Posted 13 Mar 2008 , 5:18pm
post #9 of 50

I have to ask did he sleep around and do other 'bad things' before or after ya'll seperated? The way you worded your post doesn't really say. And to me it does make a difference.

What was the reason for the seperation? Did it have to do with him sleeping around? How long have ya'll been together? Is this your first child? Was he ready to have kids? Were you having problems for a long time or was the seperation short notice?

It is really hard to give advice on line based on a few lines of information. Depending on some of the answers above I would give a different suggestions.

I do agree with others that you have to do what is best for you, and I think Debi said it best, people can't always be defined by one event or time frame in their life.

My suggestion is instead of taking advice for people that only get a small amount of information and have no idea what the whole story may be, the best thing to do is talk to someone in your life about the situation and get their advice. It can be a family member, friend or if you are religious person, a church member. It needs to be someone you can tell everything too, all the good and all that bad and someone that can give you an unbaised opinion.

kakeladi Posted 15 Mar 2008 , 10:18am
post #10 of 50

Is he contrite about what he did?
OR sorry he got caught?
Is it a habit or one time fling (for lack of better words).
Is he *willing* to go to counseling?

Dr Phil's site has a list of ?s that I have attempted to restate here. If you check out the site I bet the ?s will make more sense.
That is what I based my descission on when my DH went totally bonkers doing what I NEVER would have thought could happen in a million years!

dldbrou Posted 15 Mar 2008 , 12:34pm
post #11 of 50

First, I would advise that before you take him back, that he gets tested for STD's. That being said, I would then ask myself, if I would take him back, would I ever trust him. If you are thinking, I'll give him another chance, but I'll keep a close eye and check on him, that's not trust. If you don't think you will ever be able to trust him, then every time you have an argument with him, guess what will be the big issue of every argument? Also, do you want your child in an environment where there is no trust. If you are the type of person that can overlook mistakes, Kudos to you. I would not be so quick to take someone back until he received helped from a professional for a decent time period. I guess what I am trying to say is do not rush into this just because you are having a baby and think that your baby needs their biological dad. Anyone can be a dad, it takes someone great to be a father and that is what your child deserves. You and your baby deserve better than what if's. You need to know he is committed to both of you. Good Luck

lionladydi Posted 15 Mar 2008 , 4:06pm
post #12 of 50

Indydebi, I agree that being a cheater once doesn't make you one forever but I know very d*** few that stop cheating. I guess I worked in the bar business too long and saw too much. I certainly haven't led an angelic life. I've been "the other woman" and that is definitely no picnic either. I wish so many times that I could go back and do that part of my life over. I was wild and crazy and didn't care. Then I fell in love, head over heels, and he cheated on me from day one. Took me years to realize it and do anything about it. He married the last one he was cheating on me with. When I heard he was cheating on her, I just snickered. I told her my only hope was that I live long enough to see her walk in my footsteps. She is walking in them but it really doesn't make me feel that good. I hate to see anyone go through what I went through.

Now, back to Missyleigh's predicament. Only you can make the decision as to what you do. Sit down and make up a list of all the reasons you think you should take him back. Then make a list of all the reasons you shouldn't. I would definitely consider counseling before taking him back. As dldbrou said, make him get tested for STDs. Do you honestly think you could ever trust him out of your sight again?

I know we have communicated before as you only live 20 miles from me. I know this area well enough to know that everyone already knows your business probably. Good luck with whatever you decide. If I can be of help in any way, just PM me.


tchrmom Posted 16 Mar 2008 , 12:47am
post #13 of 50

One thing you might consider is similar to what someone else said: let him show you that he has changed before you take him back. If he can't make the decision to straighten up and live right without you, then I doubt he will with you. Do not let him guilt you into letting him back by saying "only you can help him change". You are not responsible, and you don't need that-- one child will be enough. Good luck in making the best decision for you and your baby.

funcakes Posted 16 Mar 2008 , 5:50am
post #14 of 50

I think that the advice to discuss this with a therapist was great advice. It is difficult enough to accurately tell whether a true change has occurred in someone's behavior, but when you are already in a stressful time in your life, it can be confused by wishful thinking. Meeting with a therapist will help both of you discover whether or not you really are ready to live together right now, or whether you need to continue to develop the relationship and mend the past hurts and diminish fears of repeated infidelity. Therapists never tell you what to do, but what you should do and what you really want becomes very clear. I happen to like cognitive therapists, but any specialist who you trust and make a connection with will be well worth the money. Some times insurance pays, if not most of them have a "sliding fee scale." Also if your husband is willing to put the effort into seeking help and sticking with it-that's a good sign. If he refuses, chances are he hasn't changed, he just has a different agenda.

My wish is for you to find happiness whatever the future brings.

Also, in my personal opinion, do not rely on information from Dr. Phil-he may have a degree, but he is a celebrity and does NOT follow any of the guidelines of a competent therapist. He is great for entertainment value only.

Missyleigh Posted 16 Mar 2008 , 1:58pm
post #15 of 50

thanks for all the posrts. I will try to give more info

Wes had been married almost 5 years when i found he was kinda seeing a girl. He never slept with her (from him and her)I felt he would have and that was just as bad to me.

We seperatef when I was 6 wks pregant. I had delt w/ infertility for 3 years. And I was extremly depressed.

He selpt with 2 people while we were seperated. He told me everything and I feel he was honest. I dont no what to do . I love him very much. N it wasnt always bad. I wasnt perfect either.

Im christian and I think that god want us to forgive. I feel I could but I dont knoe if I could ever forget. I dont c any harm in trying though.

He said he would go to counseling but wanted to try it on our own foe a while. we neither one make much $.

I disagree. I think we need counseling NOW. Having a baby is stressful in a good marriage. N we only have till the endof June till mine gets here. But a least now he want to have something to do with it.

Maybe I am naive but I think people can change when faced with loosing everything. Maybe he appreciates me more now. He apoligized to me so much n that is really hard for him. Im so confused!!!!!

emmascakes Posted 17 Mar 2008 , 6:10pm
post #16 of 50

I agree that you need to have counselling now - he may just be saying 'yes, ok' and hoping to put it off. I personally couldn't forgive a man for doing this to me. However I don't have children and I'm not you. You need to feel that you can trust him again completely - when there is a child involved you're taking a decision to take someone back who could hurt two people this time.

lardbutt Posted 19 Mar 2008 , 2:39pm
post #17 of 50

You should be able to find counseling that is free, especially "christian counseling".

Since you said you were a christian, I would recommend you find a counselor who does biblical counseling.

There are plenty of counselors who are christians who don't use biblical principles in their counseling.

I found biblical counseling helped me more than anything with my issues. I have not gone through what you are experiencing, but my heart goes out to you.

I will tell you from experience bitterness and unforgiveness will just about kill you!

I thought I remembered reading a post about your fertility issues. (Could be wrong)Congratulations on your pregnancy! I hope you are feeling well.

funcakes Posted 3 Apr 2008 , 11:50pm
post #18 of 50

I have been thinking about you and your difficulty and noticed that you have not given an update on how you were doing.
I hope that you are able to resolve your situation with whatever choice would make you happiest.
I know the fear of being alone, especially with a new baby to care for, but you will never be really alone- when you let people know you need them you will find loving family, friends, neighbors and even your CC friends ready to listen to and support you. And because you mentioned being religious you will always feel the love of God, too.
Thoughts and best wishes to you--

Curtsmin24 Posted 4 Apr 2008 , 6:42am
post #19 of 50

It's okay to be confused. It's a tough situation. I myself have dealt with cheating men and God has blessed me with a wonderful husband and due to my past relationships trust is a very big issue. Indydebi made a good point on how people can change. I have smoked pot and was careless about my sexual encounters when I was younger and I learned a lot. My family member is going through something similar as you. She was infertile for 10 years and finally was able to concieve last year. She has a handsome 7month old and is now 4 months pregnant. She recently found out her husband was cheating on her and she is wanting a divorce. She said she would rather take care of the kids on her own. Her husband is constantly calling her saying that he wants to be with her and he is still with the other woman. I can't imagine how I would handle the situation. I know that I love my hubby and I feel like I couldn't continue without him but I also feel like if he doesn't want to be with me I would rather he be happy elsewhere, than both of us be miserable. I told her that whatever she decides to do I support her in her decision and that at anytime she feels weak and alone i am here. My mother decided to stay with my father when we were younger and my life was very complicated. I turned out fine. I have tough skin and I can deal with a lot more because of the verbal/mental/physicsl abuse. I say follow your heart. If you believe he is being honest take him back and as a christian you know what you have to do. Whether you agree with it or not, everything will turn out fine in the end. Good luck, and God bless!

michellenj Posted 4 Apr 2008 , 8:35pm
post #20 of 50

If you don't go the religious counseling route, check your insurance. It may pay for therapy/counseling. Mine did when dh and I had a rough patch.

It really stinks that you are going through this while pregnant. Riding the hormonal rollercoaster certainly intensifies everything.

Good luck, whatever you do.

Sweet-Sensation-Cakery Posted 10 Apr 2008 , 2:15pm
post #21 of 50

I really don't think you should be getting advice from strangers or posting something so personal. You really should be getting godly counseling. Go to your pastor if you have one or a local minster that you trust to give you godly wisdom and advice. Its not good to take in all kinds of advice from people who really doesn't know.

lionladydi Posted 10 Apr 2008 , 4:26pm
post #22 of 50
Originally Posted by lady1974

I really don't think you should be getting advice from strangers or posting something so personal. You really should be getting godly counseling. Go to your pastor if you have one or a local minster that you trust to give you godly wisdom and advice. Its not good to take in all kinds of advice from people who really doesn't know.

As a newbie, maybe you don't understand that we consider each other friends on CC. One aspect of it is that no one really knows you, yet they do get to know you. If she wants to post her personal problem and ask for advice, I don't think it is up to you to tell her she shouldn't. I think several have suggested she speak with her minister. I would never condemn anyone for asking for advice on here.


indydebi Posted 10 Apr 2008 , 5:25pm
post #23 of 50
Originally Posted by lionladydi

As a newbie, maybe you don't understand that we consider each other friends on CC.

Not just friends ... we are family. Sisters, brothers, what have you. We will laugh together, cry together and absolutely bicker together over the silliest things ... just like families do!

Anyone remember the CC'er who had a house fire? So many CC'ers sent her cake equipment, gift cards, etc. Even Fat Daddios came on here and announced they were sending her a whole pan set.

You do things like that for your friends and family.....

lardbutt Posted 10 Apr 2008 , 6:51pm
post #24 of 50
Originally Posted by lady1974

I really don't think you should be getting advice from strangers or posting something so personal. You really should be getting godly counseling. Go to your pastor if you have one or a local minster that you trust to give you godly wisdom and advice. Its not good to take in all kinds of advice from people who really doesn't know.

Just because you're a minister or pastor doesn't mean you will give Godly advice. Sometimes it helps to let it all out even if to a stranger. It's never good to hold things in.(again, I know this first hand)

I'm pretty sure we all agreed the OP needed to seek some type of counseling to work through her unique situation. I hope she is doing well.

P.S. I am married to a preacher!

lady1974.......I hope you will soon feel like part of our family.

Sweet-Sensation-Cakery Posted 11 Apr 2008 , 11:38pm
post #25 of 50

Hi, you are right I am a newbie. Never seen a sight like this one. I am new to the forum and was only posting my opinion like all of you. Please don't beat me up. Didn't know you guys was so open

indydebi Posted 11 Apr 2008 , 11:42pm
post #26 of 50

lady1974, dont' stress it! We'll just consider you our pesty little sister who keeps asking "are you allowed to do that? I'm tellin' mom!" icon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gif

Welcome to the disfunctional family we all love and call CC!!

lardbutt Posted 12 Apr 2008 , 6:45pm
post #27 of 50
Originally Posted by lady1974

Hi, you are right I am a newbie. Never seen a sight like this one. I am new to the forum and was only posting my opinion like all of you. Please don't beat me up. Didn't know you guys was so open

Hope to see you around, didn't mean to "beat you up".......I'm sorry.
Welcome to CC!

dragonflydreams Posted 16 Apr 2008 , 7:17am
post #28 of 50

. . . hey missyleigh . . . where are you . . . how are you holding up . . . hope everything is going well with your pregnancy (when is your due date??) and what ever you decided to do with your relationship with your husband . . . mostly just wondering how you are . . . please let us know everything is okay . . . I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers . . . may God richly bless you and your little one . . . icon_smile.gif

Missyleigh Posted 16 Apr 2008 , 12:17pm
post #29 of 50

oh im doing ok Due date is June 23. Im working super hard to earn enuf $ to take maternity leave. He left after two days of coming back . and this weekend broke into the house and took some items. I m a fool . He cant be trusted. I guess I can tell my son that i tried everything to make his daddy stay. He sure didnt try very hard to make our marriage work. I want to go to counceling but have no money or time. Im working 60 hours per week at two jobs.

He is denying that i am even pregant on the legal papers. and in person he denys that it is his child. Im humilated and depresseed. Im prone to depression anyway so this sure dosent help. Thanks for caring. sorry i havent updated . Im just exhausted mentally and physically.

kettlevalleygirl Posted 16 Apr 2008 , 1:48pm
post #30 of 50

Big Hugs going out to you! Lots of prayers going your way...Be strong, you have a big CC family rooting for you.....
It does get depressing when you try to think about all the "stuff" going on, try to only go day by day....(I'm not saying Not to plan ahead), it's just if you think too much it gets overwhelming!

Quote by @%username% on %date%