My Child Was The Victim...please Help (Long)

Lounge By shelbur10 Updated 5 Nov 2007 , 3:55am by cakes-r-us

shelbur10 Posted 4 Nov 2007 , 7:44pm
post #1 of 11

I am trying to do some research now to see if we can possibly report it without pressing charges and having a big investigation...I just can't imagine putting my DD through that, but it doesn't feel right to just 'let it go.' If we could just report it and allow DD to make a statement and leave it at that, I think I would be more comfortable with it. DH doesn't want our extended families to find out... we have some family members who would not hesitate to take justice into their own hands.
Definitely my friend's ex would get the girls away from him. Oddly enough, he made the comment to my friend one day that if this man ever laid a hand on his girls, he would kill him. Clearly his instinct spoke to him where we all missed it. Unfortunately, they got divorced because of serious domestic violence. The day he left my friend, he choked her, beat her head into the wall and walked out on her bleeding. The only option I can come up with for her girls is their grandmother...whose house they are living in now. If she knew about it, she would go to the ends of the earth to protect them. I just don't know if it's my place to be the one to tell her.
I don't know if I mentioned in my OP, the really awful part (for me) is that I work closely with this man. Luckily, I am working from home right now recovering from surgery, but eventually I will have to go back to work and look at him every day. I am his immediate supervisor and I need to try to figure out how to separate my professional life from my personal need to beat the ever-living crap out of him for laying a hand on my child.

I guess the big question is (and I'm sure it varies from state to state) is can I quietly report this without making a big deal of it for my DD? Tomorrow when the kids are at school and DH is at work, I'm plan to call a child abuse hotline and talk to someone about my options. I just don't know what to do.

Thank you to all of you for listening to my ramblings. I'm not ready to talk to people IRL about it yet, but I badly need to talk. DH can't talk about it without getting a scary look on his face. He's dealing with it be spending a little extra time with the kiddos today, I guess trying everything he can to get all of our minds off of it.

10 replies
tchrmom Posted 4 Nov 2007 , 7:56pm
post #2 of 11

I'd report it to try to protect other children. I would definitely try to keep my child out of it other than the initial report as much as possible. I agree that your daughter needs to see a professional-- maybe not long-term, but maybe more than you think. And that's OK-- it's what they are there for. You might also consider talking with one yourself-- it might help with your feelings and therapists are often very knowledgeable about what your options would be in situations such as these. If they don't know, they will know someone who knows, if that makes sense. I really feel for you and hope you will be able to make the right decision-- whatever that is.

itsmylife Posted 4 Nov 2007 , 10:21pm
post #3 of 11

I don't think you can report it without an investigation happening. A crime occurred against a child and unfortunately your daughter was the victim. If you report it to the police they must investigate it, and if there is probable cause, they will arrest him.

This is a serious offense......he NEEDS to be reported. This may open up some terrible emotions for your daughter, but I think that just trying to shield her from the whole thing may lead to bigger problems later on.

What he did was disgusting and beyond forgivable...... and a crime. For God's sake, your daughter is only 8. I cannot imagine the rage I would feel against this man. I am getting angry just reading about this.

Lastly - I'm a mom too. I'm hurting for you and your daughter right now. I know your first instinct is protection.....I don't want you to think I'm chastising you in any way - I know you need to do what's right for you and your family.... but this is definitely something that I feel very strongly about. He did something criminal against a child... many times..... there is no excuse for that.

*edited - something else I just wanted to add - a lot of police departments have officers who are trained to speak to children for cases like this - they know how to talk to kids without them feeling like they are being 'victimized' all over again. Same thing goes for the court system - there are child advocates to help. The whole thing just breaks my heart to hear, but his abuse needs to stop. He may have molested your daughter, but I guarantee if he continues his behavior with other victims, he will do more than molest at some point.

bluehen92 Posted 4 Nov 2007 , 10:55pm
post #4 of 11

Hi Shellie, Gosh, this is just horrible. My DD is 8 also & I can't imagine how I would feel if it happened to us.

I completely agree with JanH & the others who said you need to report this to the police. I also think you need to have a good talk with your friend for the sake of her children. You should also talk to your daughter's school counselor; she will know who you need to contact and may even be able to place the call for you. In our state school officials are required by law to report any abuse to the police.

HUGS to you!

-Lisa

mezzaluna Posted 4 Nov 2007 , 10:59pm
post #5 of 11

I am so sorry. Stuff like this is the nightmare of every parent.

michellenj Posted 5 Nov 2007 , 2:29am
post #6 of 11

I don't know what I would do, as far as reporting the crime. Both sides have valid points. Whatever you decide, life will never be the same since you found this out.

Something I would do I prepare myself to cut my best friend out of my life. She will definitely side with the guy and make you out to be a crazy lunatic who is coaching her daughter to say these things, and most likely will try to use personal information about you and your family against you.

Have you checked the Megan's Law web sites for your state. He may already have a past that you don't know about. And I would start to build the groundwork to fire him. You can't deal with this every day.

My heart hurts for you. Good luck in whatever you decide.

m0use Posted 5 Nov 2007 , 2:51am
post #7 of 11

My heart goes out to you shelbur10 and your daughter. My prayers are with you and your family to be strong to deal with whatever comes your way.

TheDomesticDiva Posted 5 Nov 2007 , 3:06am
post #8 of 11

I havent read any of the replies yet, I just wanted to say that if this man was so "bold" as to do this to someone he is so close to, he will do it again to someone else. People that are messed up like that don't just let getting caught once turn them around. It emboldens them, and they'll begin with threats on the child not to tell the next time, to be sure they don't get caught again. Coming from a home with an ex-stepdad who did it to me and my sister, I know firsthand. He had done it to his own biological daughters previously (we found out after my mom divorced him.) His ex-wife hadnt told my mother because she didnt think she'd believe her, and she thought he'd change since he'd seemed so heartfelt that it wouldnt happen again. Needless to say, he did it again. And then my Mom didn't want to ruin his life over it. It was deemed shameful and she didn't want all her friends and ours to find out. So we got as far away from him as we could and just let it go. And I can tell you that 10 years later, when I found out that he was remarried to a woman who had small girls in her house, I cried my eyes out for not doing something to protect them.

Press charges! Friend or not, he is a pedophile and you dont want to have him hurting someone else's daughter even worse than your own to be on your conscience. Because he WILL do it again. They dont just change. I know that you dont want to lose another friend, and a pregnant one at that, but I would bet my right arm he's ALREADY doing it to her girls. Besides the point, he hurt YOUR daughter. Show her that it's not okay to just keep something like that quiet; that it's not okay for someone to violate you that way, and that it's not something she should HAVE to keep quiet and be ashamed of. Give her empowerment and stand up for her, more than just not letting him near her ever again. Because if you keep it hushed up, she will one day be old enough to understand the full extent of what happened (regardless of the severity of it) and she will wonder why you didn't press charges and protect those other little girls and her.

Wanted to add, that even though your husband wants to keep it hushed up, it's not a crime against YOU that it happened in your house. It's the molester's fault, not yours! And you should also let your husband know that the reason so many men get away with this and do it to little children every single day is because people aren't strong enough or have the courage enough to stand up for what is right. Don't close the door on this. Put him under the jail. One other thing...if you don't do the right thing and press charges against this man this time, it may show your daughter that it's not really such a big deal after all, and if something happens to her again (God forbid) she may not be so keen to tell if all Mommy and Daddy are gonna do is not let their friend come over anymore because of it. ....Like a previous poster said, police and child protective services have conselors who will ask your daughter the questions. And they dont do it in a third-degree type situation so that they are uncomfortable. They are very careful when it comes to little ones and don't put more pressure on them than they can handle. Your daughter seems to be stronger than most little girls already---she TOLD you about it. She's strong, she can handle doing what needs to be done. Now you just have to take some of her courage and don't let her telling you be in vain. So many little girls/boys have no voice. Yours did.

LittleMom Posted 5 Nov 2007 , 3:18am
post #9 of 11

If it helps to know, I never had to face him after the attack. I gave statements to the police, I gave videotaped testimony, there was a social worker with me through all of it. She even fought against my parents when they tried to "protect" me from all the questions and trial drama. It was a 7 month trial and I went through a lot, but this woman showed me how to fight for myself and be strong even though it was something my parents wanted to shield me from. She was my angel. Your local victims resource center is trained to handle these terrible situations; they can help your daughter through this and she will be better off for it.

vww104 Posted 5 Nov 2007 , 3:39am
post #10 of 11

I'm so sorry to hear what happened to your daughter. I work in NJ public schools and had a situation where a girl confided in me about her own sexual abuse by an uncle. The girl's mother had recently found out but had not contacted police. I contacted Division of Youth & Family Services for guidance, they told me that it was a police issue, and that the mother was obligated to report it to the police and that if she didn't that DYFS would press charges against the mother. The charges would be that she knowingly concealed information about the abuse of a child. When I contacted the mother she immediately contacted the police. I'm sure every state is different.

I will pray for you and your family. I wish you all the best.

cakes-r-us Posted 5 Nov 2007 , 3:55am
post #11 of 11

"This has been going on maybe a year, during which time she's had nightmares, tummy aches and complained about it hurting to urinate. I feel like I have completely failed her for missing the signs. "

So sorry to hear this situation has invaded your family. I think she should be examined by a doctor, if she's complained about hurting to urinate. Don't protect this creep, protect your daughter. She will grow older and want to know why you didn't. She will not forget it.

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