Family... Grrr

Decorating By andiesweet Updated 21 Oct 2007 , 11:39pm by lionladydi

andiesweet Posted 19 Oct 2007 , 1:39pm
post #1 of 45

Ok so my SIL birthdays is sat. my BIL called me last wek asking if i would make her cake. No problem as I always make cakes for family birthdays.. I never charge anything, I love them and that is usually my gift to the Bday Boy/girl. SO I spend some time coming up with a nice design and go to the store to buy ingredients. Butter cake with choc ganache filling , chocolate icing decorated with flowers scrolls and a fondant bow. Sounds nice right?

So I bake off the cake and put it in the freezer.Make a batch of MMF, make the bow... Make the ganache and Icing, so all i have to do Sat is put it all together. Just as I get done with the icing and call it a night, my phone rings... it's BIL. He says, "Don't worry about making the cake, her mom wants to bring one and I didn't want to hurt her feelings so I told her she could." After I told him that everything is pretty much ready for the cake it just has to be assembled,he said "Oh sorry, I'll give you money for what you spent.. $10 or $15 should be enough right?" $10 or $15?!?! Granted I never charge anyone in my family, but dang this makes me mad.

GRRR... SO now I have all this cake stuff made and nothing to do with it. And I've wasted all this time.. and to top it off, now i have to go out and spend more $$ on a gift. Now i don't really even want to go to party icon_sad.gif Sorry to rant but had to get it off my chest

44 replies
sunflowerfreak Posted 19 Oct 2007 , 1:48pm
post #2 of 45

Wow I would be totally upset also. I would have just flat out told him that there will be 2 cakes at the party. Or maybe you can give it to her after the party and tell her it's her gift. I would have to go to all that trouble and not use everything I made. Sorry this happened to you.

Wendl Posted 19 Oct 2007 , 1:48pm
post #3 of 45

I would show up with the cake anyway. That IS your gift and he already asked YOU to make it. Maybe her mom will get the point. It's not rude realistically - afterall, you were asked to make it. You didn't do it to compete w/her.
Kick back, deep breath, assemble a kick @ss cake and enjoy the party. Your efforts deserve to be seen. icon_smile.gif

Michele01 Posted 19 Oct 2007 , 1:49pm
post #4 of 45

I am so sorry that happened to you. I would still make the cake and bring it to the party. That was wrong of him to just tell you he would pay you back. Do you know what the other cake's flavor is? You can never have too much cake, so now there can be two flavors.

kathys90 Posted 19 Oct 2007 , 1:42pm
post #5 of 45

I think you should take his $15, then hand him a bill for the rest...not that you expect to be paid, but just so that he knows the cost of what goes into a beautiful piece of art. He should walk away red-faced!

Don't let that keep you from going, as you seem to love your SIL. Get her a card, and since you've frozen the cake anyway, save it for the next weekend or something. It can still be her gift, and she can share it with the people she socializes or works with!

I'm sure it will still be lovely!

dolfin Posted 19 Oct 2007 , 1:55pm
post #6 of 45

One can never have to much cake. Box it, put a bow on it and tell your sister-in-law that you made it just for her, for a private romantic celebration with her husband later on. Maybe add some champagne glasses to the box or something.

esq1031 Posted 19 Oct 2007 , 1:57pm
post #7 of 45

I agree...I would bring it anyway. I don't think there would be a problem with having two birthday cakes. The more cake the merrier (in my mind anyway). If you explain to BIL that everything will go to waste and that this was going to be your gift to SIL, AND that he can't call you at the last minute to cancel, I'm sure it will be okay. Stand up for yourself. You are in the right here. You were doing something nice for a family member. No matter what else, please don't let yourself be taken advantage of. Sometimes people who are as good hearted as you are find it difficult to stand up for themselves. Don't be that way.

Mencked Posted 19 Oct 2007 , 1:52pm
post #8 of 45

What I want to know is why is it OK to hurt your feelings, but not OK to hurt MIL's feelings? I'm with dolfin--box up the cake like a gift, add the nice note and champagne glasses--You have already gotten/made her a gift--give it!!!

sportsmom005 Posted 19 Oct 2007 , 1:57pm
post #9 of 45

Bring the cake anyway...a gift is a gift.

And not to be rude, but BIL should man up a little. He didn't want to hurt her mom's feelings-what about your feelings? Not to mention the thoughtfulness, time, effort, and creativity you put into your cake.

And I'm sure your will be better than whatever her mom is picking up from the store!

texa Posted 19 Oct 2007 , 1:59pm
post #10 of 45

I know this goes against the flow here, but please stop for a minute and try to look at this from all points of view. The person at fault here is the BIL, he screwed up bigtime asking you to make the cake and then FAILING to tell his MIL that he'd already made arrangements for a cake when she volunteered. However, if you now show up with your fantastic cake, who's going to suffer? Not BIL. The MIL will be humiliated, and probably embarrassed beyond words. Her cake won't stack up next to yours, and you may end up looking churlish for showing up with a cake. If confronted, the BIL is going to say, "Well, I TOLD her MIL was going to make the cake, I don't know why she brought it anyway...." How will that make you appear?

Bottom line is, no one wins. Don't do it. If you want to give your SIL the cake privately later to let her share with co-workers (assuming she works outside the home), do so. Or take the $ from BIL and then take the cake to a retirement home or the local school's teacher lounge (after making sure it's okay, some places are getting paranoid about home-baked anything).

Unfortunately, there's nothing that can give you back the time you spent on this already. BIL doesn't understand what's involved with cake decorating, obviously, but this is FAMILY -- you've gotta stay civil with these people unless this is a make-or-break scenario for you, and you're willing to drive a wedge in that may not be easily removed. Just think about it, please.

crisseyann Posted 19 Oct 2007 , 2:05pm
post #11 of 45

I am in total agreement with texa. Sounds like the way to take the high road and avoid hard feelings.

girltrapped Posted 19 Oct 2007 , 2:11pm
post #12 of 45

I have to agree with Texa. Add up the ingredients and charge the full amount to the hubby and take the high road. It is so easy to fly off the handle and let your emotions run your actions but it is alot easier to look at yourself in the mirror when you have handled yourself with maturity and grace. Just my two cents. icon_lol.gif

Candes Posted 19 Oct 2007 , 2:21pm
post #13 of 45

First of all the guy sleeps w/ this woman whose mom wants to bring a cake. MIL probably would give SIL an earful, which would trickle down and the man doesn't want to sleep w/ that. Wise in that sense but very insensitve and ignorant of the process it takes to make your thoughtful cakes.

I say enlighten the fellow. Assemble the cake, show him and explain you'll deliver her gift so they can do with it what they will. Personally, I'd deliver the cake AFTER the party but that's just MY opinion. It's her b-day and may be, just may be , she doesn't know ... did I say maybe?

Taking it to work sounds like a fabulous alternative and may even result in orders if that's something you do.

PS Enlighten him about the cost too. The man needs his eyes opened to the art of cake decorating.

Mencked Posted 19 Oct 2007 , 2:22pm
post #14 of 45

Can you give the gift-boxed cake to your SIL before the party where the MIL won't know about it? I still think your SIL deserves your gift, made with love I might add especially for her by you!!! Yes BIL is trying to please his MIL, but still, you count too!!

babynewyear Posted 19 Oct 2007 , 2:41pm
post #15 of 45

Nothing wrong with two cakes> I agree with Mencked give it to her ahead of time. That way she will know you made her a cake without upsetting her Mom. Moms love to make cakes for there kids no matter how big they get. She might have taken a class to learn to decorate to suprise her.( I did that) I myself would love two cakes icon_biggrin.gif You sound like a great SIL.

Narie Posted 19 Oct 2007 , 2:49pm
post #16 of 45

Texa's advice is very good. Shove the frosting and other stuff in the freezer with cake. Something will come up later and you will have everything ready to go. Dragging your cake to the party will just make you look like a temperamental Diva. You are just in a snit right now- understandable- but as my favorite uncle used to tell me when I would get on a rant, "Give it a rest!" Nobody else in the family will understand what your problem is, much less give rat's backside about it.

indydebi Posted 19 Oct 2007 , 3:17pm
post #17 of 45

Well ya know I'm not a high road person! icon_twisted.gif

I TOTALLY agree with "why is it ok to hurt YOUR feelings and not MIL's?" This is why women feel walked all over ALL the time ..... we ALLOW people to walk all over us and then sit in the dark, in the corner, alone, sucking our thumb and feeling pitiful. Why didn't the wuss just tell MIL "oh I"ve already taken care of that"?

I've already invested in this cake. I've already committed to this cake. This cake is going to that party!

When he offered fifteen bucks, I would have laughed out loud and asked him, "What planet have YOU been living on, dude!"

When I threw my husband a 40th BD party, one of the guests came in with an 8" cake that he had picked up from the bakery. Now, who goes to a big 40th BD bash and thinks they need a cake? icon_confused.gif But I was not offended ... we just added it to the table of food.

I would walk in with that cake and tell BD girl, "Your hubby told me at the last minute that MIL was making your cake, but since I'd already put all of the work into this one, I brought it anyway." If they want to sit it in the kitchen and use MIL's cake as the main cake, then fine with me.

If hubby is a big wus, and if there are negative consequences to HIS actions, then it's his problem, not mine. I can't help it if he's not man enough to stand up on his own two feet on this.

I never liked sitting in the corner in the dark sucking my thumb .... haven't done it for years .... ain't starting it now.

But....that's just me!! icon_cool.gif

texa Posted 19 Oct 2007 , 3:45pm
post #18 of 45
Originally Posted by indydebi

Well ya know I'm not a high road person! icon_twisted.gif

I TOTALLY agree with "why is it ok to hurt YOUR feelings and not MIL's?"...

You can choose whatever "road" you like, but sometimes the road not taken is less bumpy for everyone. icon_razz.gif

I agree that it's not right that BIL hurt OP's feelings instead of MIL's. but it would seem your answer to this is to make sure MIL's feelings get hurt, too. Why? She didn't do anything wrong. Why escalate this?

No one that I've read here has mandated that OP needs to go sit in a corner and suck her thumb. Get real. I know this borders on "preachy" but...remember the old adage, "Two wrongs don't make a right"?

This is BIL's pile of crap, and if OP wants to get down and dirty with him NOT AT SIL's PARTY, then so be it. Forget "classy" and just go for "civil." Family. We have to live with them. thumbs_up.gif Remember, BIL was in the middle on this and had a choice to make, and his choice was his MIL. He has decided that peace with his MIL is more important than peace with his SIL. OP can "make a point of this" with him, but what's it going to gain her in the end? Satisfaction is short-lived when you're no longer invited to family gatherings at SIL's house. thumbsdown.gif

OP knows SIL, we don't. She should decide whether she thinks giving the cake to her is an act of love or an act of vindication. Timing is everything on determining that.

And as an official "old fart" I can tell you, most of what's wrong with society these days is (1) lack of manners, and (2) self-absorption. No, you're not the center of the universe, and no, it's not alright to hurt someone else's feelings to make yourself feel better. /rant icon_lol.gif

fondantgrl Posted 19 Oct 2007 , 4:03pm
post #19 of 45

Well,,,, icon_cool.gif

If it was me, I would still bring it, esp. that all ingredients have been bought. The more cake the better.. people love cake.. it won't get wasted.
Just say, "Oh well, I already made the cake before I got the call".. icon_wink.gif $15.00... Oh sure!, that should be sufficient.. show your BIL icon_rolleyes.gif the grocery bill for the ingredients.

crislen Posted 19 Oct 2007 , 4:12pm
post #20 of 45

Well, I'm not an old fart icon_rolleyes.gif but I agree with Texa.... take the "high" road and either give the cake to her personally without the mother - in - law around either before or after the party and explain the situation (If I was her, I would love the thought - you're both avoiding making HER party awkward (another innocent victim) and making yourself look like a Diva) or take the cake to a local shelter, seniors place or firehall. But definitely take the $15 and if you do gift to her as a gift, us that money to box it up nice and get a fabulous personal card.

Maybe the brother was just going to cover the cost of ingredients... at least he thought cake ingredients cost $15 - some people assume they are pennies!

I don't usually let people walk over me - leanred my lesson. But something has to be said about being charitable and not making the situation worse. I'd feel better if I didn't hurt anyone else that hadn't hurt me with their actions...but I'd definitely being giving the BIL a piece of my mind in a not so nice way. This is all his fault!

elizw Posted 19 Oct 2007 , 4:15pm
post #21 of 45

i agree with others...

take her aside and give her the cake. tell her that you had really enjoyed making it for her and wanted her to have it. then tell her to simply put it aside for later and use MIL's cake for the party. leave it at that and enjoy the gathering.

you can take the high road and not be a door mat.

ziggytarheel Posted 19 Oct 2007 , 4:12pm
post #22 of 45

It's a birthday celebration, right? The event is about honoring the birthday girl and everyone enjoying themselves...right?

The way I look at it was that your window of opportunity to try to make this right was when your BIL called you. I don't know why he thought it would hurt his MIL feelings if she didn't get to bring the cake. Was she planning on making her own daughter's cake? As a mom, maybe that is important to her. And maybe her skill level is not up to yours. That's the only way I can figure it would hurt her feelings, if making the cake was something she was looking forward to. I wish you could have asked your BIL why he didn't want to tell her, and then tell him that you were already working on the cake as your gift to her, and that it was important to you to find a way to still do that.

Is it possible to still talk to him? Chances are, he is just clueless from top to bottom.

But my thoughts are not to make this about you. It isn't your party. Figure out a way you can still give it to her if at all possible. Another day? Maybe on her actual birthday if the party is on a different day? Something.

There is a whole lot of in between from being a doormat to a diva. What is right in this case is somewhere in between.

MissNeishaGyrl Posted 19 Oct 2007 , 4:53pm
post #23 of 45

So what about BIL poor manners. My question is if she were a bakery that was charging what would he have told MIL then. Would he have cancelled or told his MIL that the cake was taken care of. I am normally one to take the high road and that has nothing to do with old age. I feel like she should give the cake to SIL. Not at the party though or come over early and put the cake in kitchen and tell MIL what happened if she is there. OP doesn't have to come across anyway if she is honest and says, "I have already made the cake so I brought it" ANy reasonable person would understand and say thanks. You can never have too much cake, And as I think, if this is a gift to SIL, why should she have to change the gift she is giving. Would this same thing apply to all gifts?

loriana Posted 19 Oct 2007 , 4:58pm
post #24 of 45
Originally Posted by Wendl

I would show up with the cake anyway. That IS your gift and he already asked YOU to make it. Maybe her mom will get the point. It's not rude realistically - afterall, you were asked to make it. You didn't do it to compete w/her.

I wholeheartedly afree with Wendl! I really think this is the best option. Just bring your beautiful cake, act innocent and say "I hope you enjoy my present to you". They will all get it (hopefully!)

loriana Posted 19 Oct 2007 , 5:06pm
post #25 of 45
Originally Posted by Wendl

I would show up with the cake anyway. That IS your gift and he already asked YOU to make it. Maybe her mom will get the point. It's not rude realistically - afterall, you were asked to make it. You didn't do it to compete w/her.

I wholeheartedly afree with Wendl! I really think this is the best option. Just bring your beautiful cake, act innocent and say "I hope you enjoy my present to you". They will all get it (hopefully!)

Luxe42 Posted 19 Oct 2007 , 5:07pm
post #26 of 45

Since when is two cakes a problem in life? More yummy options! Bring it, it's your gift afterall.


aswartzw Posted 19 Oct 2007 , 5:27pm
post #27 of 45

I would definitely NOT take it to the party. It would embarass the MIL and accomplish nothing. I wouldn't even deliver it on the same day as the party. The problem here is the BIL.

I think I would call up the BIL and have a discussion with him. Find out why he's thinking what he's thinking and tell him how cancelling your cake made you feel. Flat out. It will be a wake up call to him and prevent this from happening in the future. It will also give you two the opportunity to figure out what to do with this cake.

It would be best since he was the one who made a mess of it to straighten it out. Make him do it. I'm sure the MIL has not started on the cake yet so maybe she can do cupcakes or a cute little chocolate cake. He is able to call up the MIL and say the woman who I'd asked to make the cake has already started on it. Would you care to make cupcakes to go with it?

Who knows. She might just be buying one.

woodthi32 Posted 19 Oct 2007 , 5:20pm
post #28 of 45

s no way I would give it to her ahead of time. You put that poor girl in a position of hurting her mom's feelings (goodness knows what kind of dynamics are there) or yours. Maybe after, but this is what I think I would do:

This was your gift. Tell BIL that ahead of time. I personally would jokingly say...."well you can give me $40 for the ingredients, and I could go buy a gift" hahahaha. And give it to them after the party.

You just can't put your SIL in that boat, It's as unfair as what BIL did to you.

woodthi32 Posted 19 Oct 2007 , 5:35pm
post #29 of 45

Hey!! He could call up MIL and say to her that, unbeknownst to you, SIL had already asked you to make her cake, and you have alread started! But two cakes are better than one, could she make a "this flavor" cake? OR < SIL loves her chocolate cream pie, could she make that? or get the idea..............

fondantgrl Posted 19 Oct 2007 , 5:51pm
post #30 of 45

The more (CAKE) the merrier !!! icon_smile.gif

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