Dh Cheating...long Rant

Lounge By ruby_dee69 Updated 20 Oct 2007 , 1:03pm by frog80

ruby_dee69 Posted 18 Oct 2007 , 5:25pm
post #1 of 17

I am posting this under another name because I have some local friends on here and just don't want them to know this just yet.

I am sure that my DH is cheating on me. Not physically (yet) as the woman lives several hours away. I mean emotionally. This woman and her DH are friends of ours. I accidently (really) heard voicemail that this woman left my DH. She said that she knew he could not talk because others were around but just wanted to let him know that she was thinking of him. I then checked and there were 5 other voicemails pretty much the same. Today I got our home phone bill and while I know I was gone there are 4 long distance calls to her home. My DH knows that I heard the voicemail. He tried telling me it was nothing, she has a crush on him. Well other friends have been saying this for awhile so yes like a dumb a$$ I believed it. Hell I want to believe it still, but now with the phone bill that shows him calling her not the other way around.
Let me just say that I am sure that this will not as far as DH leaving me for her. She is too into money and my DH does not have any. This I know because I handle all finances..even just give DH lunch money every morning. She depends are her DH for everthing, he handles all the money in their house. I know my DH can not even come close to hers in the finance dept. I think this is more about selfesteem for her. For my DH I think it is just midlife crisis. We have been together for almost 21 years...married 19. I think he likes knowing that someone else thinks he's still "got it".
At this time I don't want to think about leaving, but I feel scared. I've been a SAHM the whole time. Now what? I have no "usable" skills to make it on my own if something does come of this. I am just so confussed.
Should I try to talk to my DH about this. Should I talk to her DH about this(I am sure that he knows something from comments he has made). I am afraid to talk to her about this...it is taking everything in my soul not to drive there and beat her a$$ and then come home and beat his.

Sorry everyone for unloading this here. I don't want anyone around here personally to know this yet.

16 replies
WendyB Posted 18 Oct 2007 , 5:25pm
post #2 of 17

Consider telling your husband that you don't feel as "close" as you used to and ask if he'd join you in counseling. You don't have to accuse him or go into the reasons, just invite him to work on stregnthening your marriage.

You do have skills -- don't worry about that. Number 1 priority is finding a professional to help you work on your marriage.

I don't think I'd involve the other man -- just start with your own house.

My prayers are with you all.

michellenj Posted 18 Oct 2007 , 9:35pm
post #3 of 17

Wow. That is a really tough situation. I take it that you want to keep everything the same, just no "other woman" in the picture.

If it were me, I'd go speak with her husband. He may have other evidence that you don't know about. BUT-if you involve anyone other than you and dh, a whole separate chain of events could occur. Picture them getting divorced, her being needy and relocating to your area, etc. Even if dh swore to God it was over, if she moved nearby I would never feel 100% sure that nothing was going on.

I would do some sleuthing, too, to see if there are any emails or a paper trail to uncover, then I'd confront dh. Then head to a marriage counselor, if that is what you and dh want.

Good luck.

adonisthegreek1 Posted 19 Oct 2007 , 1:03am
post #4 of 17
Quote:
Originally Posted by ruby_dee69

At this time I don't want to think about leaving, but I feel scared. I've been a SAHM the whole time. Now what? I have no "usable" skills to make it on my own if something does come of this. I am just so confussed.




In my state being a SAHM all those years would qualify you for a whole lot of alimony. icon_lol.gif

Don't sell yourself short. Think about all the things you do as a matter of routine. If you took a long hard look at yourself, I'd bet you'd find some marketable talents.

I can't say how I'd handle the DH situation, but if I knew for a fact he was cheating--I'd leave. I would not stay and be humiliated. I guess if you are going to talk to anyone (you said her husband may be suspicious) you may as well get all 4 of you together and lay all the cards out on the table.

AuntieElle Posted 19 Oct 2007 , 3:50am
post #5 of 17

Being the former wife of a philanderer I can identify! RubyDee it is inappropriate for your DH to be having any kind of interaction with this woman whom he says has a crush on him! He's married!!! That not appropriate! I am not Old School and do believe that men and women can be friends. I have plenty of friends who are male that I can safely say I will never be panting for. I think cheating of any kind is an absolute deal breaker (yes, I do watch Dr Phil way too much).
My first husband threw every excuse in the book at me and I actually bought a couple of them. I also got the "She has a crush on me" excuse. I told him he needed to part company with this young lasy as it was not appropriate and was told that he didn't want to hurt her feelings! Hurt her feelings my a$$. What about my feelings? After all, he was MARRIED to ME! I never had any concrete proof that he was cheating until one day my 18 mo DS pulled the trashcan over and I found used condoms in it. (Sorry if that was too graphic) I immediately packed as much of my DS and my stuff in my car and was history. I refuse to be disrespected like that! At that time I had no skills either and was making $6 an hour at a part-time job. I put on my big girl panties and did what I had to do. I got a cheap apartment, kept my part-time job, found a day care program through the Department of Human Services and a program that paid for my Nursing degree. I supported us on about $600 and food stamps but I made it! Of course he didn't pay child support! This turned me into one strong woman!
I am now married to a wonderful man who wouldn't dream of cheating (he values his testes wayyyy too much). Through this I learned that I love my children and myself way too much to let it slide. I hope you can make a decision about this and be happy with it. I am happy with mine. God bless you. I'll keep you in my prayers.

Elle

titch Posted 19 Oct 2007 , 7:56am
post #6 of 17

Having been through this situation myself and also just seen a close friend go through the same thing. I can at least give you some information regarding on what to do to find out if there is anymore information to find and also what to do regarding your marriage.

First, there are websites that you can go to, to buy spywear programs that will log, everything that is typed into your computer and will also take a picture of what is up on the screen. This way you can access any email accounts. (if you do access email be prepared of what you may find). Are you prepared for what you might find if you do go looking. I know this from experience, I managed to get into all of my dh accounts and find out some useful information, but for my dh as much as he liked to do things just to piss me off, he also likes female attention and most of the emails were at the end of the day just friends talking. So becareful that you dont read into something that just isnt there.

Regarding your dh having an emotional affair, I think for him as you have said that he may just like the new attention from this friend of your's, I do also believe that if a man is looking else where then, there is something that is missing at home, so as much as this might hurt you to read, maybe think about what/has been missing in your marriage, for me, my dh didnt like my nagging him about housework and he felt that I was being controlling (I had undiganosed depression at this time), but once I got myself into counseling, I could see where I was going wrong aswell. Luckily this hasnt gone into a full blown affair yet, so if you love him dearly you two should be able to work things out, if you both want to.

If this was me I would confront your friends dh and give him all evidence that you have, otherwise if he doesnt know about anything he will think of you as a homewreaker (which you are not), but he will be in denial. As for your friend I would confront her aswell and tell her to leave you and your dh alone. As much as it would be good to give her a b-slap, I would try and hold off, as you dont need her pressing charges.

As far as talking with your dh, in the best way possible I wouldnt confront him that he is having an affair, this will only put his back up, as to some men an a affair is only sexual, not flirting etc. I would just simply talk about how you are feeling and suggest counseling for the both of you.

Sorry to be so long, I hate seeing other women go through this but if you both work together you can come out of it and stronger to.

take care
Rach

__Martha__ Posted 19 Oct 2007 , 10:36am
post #7 of 17

I've been there too. In my case it was the neighbour. DH denied and denied and denied every time I'd confront him about her flirting with him, him running in the evenings with her, etc. I was glad when she moved to the west coast. To make a long story short though, my innocent chat with an airline reservationist blew it all wide open. DH (and that doesn't stand for 'dear husband' in this case! icon_twisted.gif ) didn't really have a story as to why he took a flight to the west coast, but told me he was in Ohio!

Your husband is always going to deny. I agree with the others here, you need some concrete proof.

Re-read Elle's story above for inspiration. Get some solid proof and then leave, or better yet, ask him to leave. You should already have all the financial information you need. Next step - find a lawyer. You CAN make it on your own. You deserve so much better.

Hang in there.

ruby_dee69 Posted 19 Oct 2007 , 11:20am
post #8 of 17

Thank you all for letting me get this off my chest. I am still undecided at this point.
Elle, I understand what you are telling me. I just have to try to get it through my own head. I will be checking into some local jobs so that my options will be more.
titche, you have made some points that have hit home with me.
Now before any of you get upset at me, I will state that I know that if he is cheating it is not my fault..it is his. But I have noticed over the last couple of days that I have let myself and my home slip in my own standards. I think that maybe the first person I have to work on is ME!
I have decided that for right now at least to strive to make myself happier, however that maybe.

ruby_dee69 Posted 19 Oct 2007 , 11:37am
post #9 of 17

I would like to ask those of you who have replied either here or by PM if I may possibly PM you in the future if I need to.

titch Posted 19 Oct 2007 , 2:20pm
post #10 of 17

I doubt anyone will get upset at you for saying it's not your fault if you find out that your dh is cheating on you.

In most cases the spouse has never done anything wrong, the fault and blame lies souley with the person who is doing the cheating. what you choose to do within your marriage is up to you, no-one can tell you otherwise.

You can listen, read to all the advice in the world, but at the end of the day, it is only advise after all and you dont have to do it! This is what I tell my friends who get upset with me, when i dont follow their advice. LOL!

Take care I hope everything works out for you
Rachel

TheDomesticDiva Posted 19 Oct 2007 , 4:57pm
post #11 of 17

I would absolutely confront that woman!!! Especially since she claims to be your "Friend". If nothing is going on, then your husband shouldn't be that upset that you got her out of your lives, or even if you were a little rude. I think I'd give an ultimatum, pick one, you can't have both of us. It's not the point of what your husband says is going on, if you don't like it, you don't like it, and he shouldn't continue to do something you're uncomfortable with. If the tables were turned, and it was you doing these things with the woman's husband, I imagine your husband would be pretty ticked off. ....Your gut feeling is usually right, at least in what I've seen!

...You could always get your husband's cell phone (or wherever you heard the voicemails) and call while he's in the shower or something... don't say anything when she answers, see if she says something like 'Hey Baby" or something like that. That's pretty sneaky though. ...I know some people would say something like that might ruin a friendship if "nothing" is going on, but I think that if she was truly a friend, she would not be flirting with your husband and SNEAKING around about it.. the "I know you cant talk right now because other people are around" is a dead-giveaway to me. You don't do that unless you're hiding something.

ruby_dee69 Posted 19 Oct 2007 , 5:24pm
post #12 of 17

Sorry titch that came off the wrong way. I meant that I know that I have let myself go in some areas lately and I have been pretty b!$%&y. I didn't want you ladies thinking that I was blaming this whole thing on that.
I know that this is his responsiblity.

Just so you all know, I have decided that today is a ME day. I am taking care of myself today. Maybe if I feel better about myself things won't get to me as much. I am also working on getting kids out of the house this weekend so that maybe DH and I can really talk and just relax with each other.

Unfortunately his cell phone is paid for by his work so I do not have access to the billing records. I will be doing some checking into the spyware. Don't know if I can figure out how to use it but I am going to look at some.

michellenj..if her marriage did fail I believe that she would move here. Her parents live less than 3 miles from us and are also our friends.
Scratch that....she is no longer my friend just her DH and her parents.

breelaura Posted 19 Oct 2007 , 6:11pm
post #13 of 17

You should be aware that spyware may well be illegal in your state, or under federal law. I would ABSOLUTELY consult an attorney before engaging in any behavior that could violate federal wiretapping laws. (I'm a domestic relations - divorce - paralegal, by the way.)

If you want to stay together, you need to talk to him and make it clear what you are and are not willing to put up with. (In other words, this woman no longer exists to him. Period. End of story.) It may be best to do this with the help of a counselor. Your impulse to start with yourself is a good one, since you're the only person whose behavior you can control, but you're only half of the relationship and can't fix it by yourself.

If you don't want to stay together, see an attorney. Learn your rights and learn how to protect yourself.

Feel free to PM if you would like.

krysoco Posted 19 Oct 2007 , 8:45pm
post #14 of 17

I'm so sorry to hear this. You are absolutely right about feeling the need to beat her a$$ and your DH's. But don't do that just yet. LOL
1. Just b/c you've lowered your standards a tad (and who hasn't w/having kids?) doesn't provide an exuse for DH to cheat.
2. Don't feel bad about letting your feelings/actions out. Always justify them and be around ppl who will justify them.
3. To put your marriage back on track, ask your DH about it and honestly be open to hear answers that you may not like. But accept them b/c your DH is being honest. If he lies, then have no remorse.
4. Personally I don't need concrete evidence. Usually your gut instinct is enough and sometimes better.
5. I heard on the radio one day that the best and easiest way to catch a spouse cheating is by pressing redial on his phone.
You can feel welcome to PM when you have to. You may need an outside opinion on things to see things more clearly. Reach out to someone.

indydebi Posted 19 Oct 2007 , 9:37pm
post #15 of 17

You might check the Dr. Phil and Oprah websites. Both of them had shows on this very topic today and you might find some good information or even just a feeling of "support group" help on the website and the blogs.

DebbyTCL Posted 20 Oct 2007 , 12:12pm
post #16 of 17

Ruby,

First off, I am sorry that you are going through this. It is heartwrenching as I know this from experience.

Second off, good for you! To know that this is not your fault! It is his issue, not yours.

Now, when you talk with DH this weekend, let him know that you have already talked with him about the voice mails from this little minx and had accepted his responce that this "freind" has a crush on him. But, now you have "noticed" on the phone bill, that while you were out of the house, he has encouraged this behavior from this woman by calling her 4 times! Ask him what the reason was for these phone calls. Whatever his response, inform him that you ARE calling this freind and that you are confronting her and insisting that this little crush is done, RIGHT NOW. Period. And if she continues with this behavior, and you find even 1 incident of her calling YOUR DH, that you WILL inform HER DH of her emotional affair with your husband and that you have asked her to behave like a married woman and leave your DH alone and she refuses to! Then if she does call again, DO IT.

Then inform him that it is "over" from his end as well! Remind him that he is married and you will not accept behavior like that from him. I would also inform him that the "friendship" with this person is also over.

Enough is enough with people like this! And, if it works out that he leaves, then it is his lose and you don't need him. God will be with you on this. Trust in Him, no matter what happens.

frog80 Posted 20 Oct 2007 , 1:03pm
post #17 of 17

Let me start by saying that I am very sorry for your emotional problems. I cannot speak from experience with this. I have been married for 7 years last Sunday and as far as I know, my dh has never cheated on me. However, before we got married I explained to him VERY CLEARLY that I had already been in relationships where the guy was or had cheated on me and I refused to put myself through that again. I explained that I love him dearly, buy that I had lived 19 years without him, and I KNOW that I can make it the rest of my life without him should I have to. I told him that it would not be easy, and that it is not something I would like to do, but I could if I had to. The way I see it, is obviously your dh feels that he is getting something from this woman that he is not getting from you, or else he would not even be interested. However, he needs to be reminded of what exactly he is putting at risk. . . his many years of marriage to you, your children, your home, possibly his career (if he is using his work phone to make non work long distance calls). For that matter, who's to say he isn't calling her from work as well?!! It is a good thing you are getting the children out of the house for your talk as I do not believe that children should ever hear their parents argue, and for a conversation like this, you need privacy. I also believe that her dh should definately be aware of what you know. If he knew more, maybe he could do something on his end to take control of his side of the situation. Don't leave him in the dark as he deserves to know the truth as well. As I said before, I have never been through anything like this, and I pray that I never do. I believe that the key to a good marriage is communication and trust. If you do not have these two components, you do not have a leg to stand on when things get tough. Remeber that life is too short to be miserable and unhappy. Do whatever is going to make you happy, and know that whatever that may be, no one knows how to tell you to accomplish that but you. Be honest when talking to him and tell him everything so that you don't have any regrets later. I will be thinking of you and remeber that you will always have your friends (real friends that don't cheat on their husbands with your) here should you just need to vent. Please feel free to PM me if you'd like. HTH and good luck.

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