Help me stand Up to my mother......

Business By OhMyGoodies Updated 29 Aug 2007 , 12:10pm by springlakecake

nefgaby Posted 25 Aug 2007 , 5:06am
post #61 of 126

Debi, cool, all good! icon_biggrin.gif (I love my CC family too much and would never be my intention to offend or hurt anybody)

And again, agree with you, now as grown-ups, I guess the best thing to do is learn from what our parents did wrong and do the right thing with our kids and if the relationship with our parents now is not the best then we are better off keeping our distance, very wise! thumbs_up.gif

Melvira Posted 25 Aug 2007 , 5:19am
post #62 of 126
Quote:
Originally Posted by cakesbycathy

The only thing I can think of is to ask Indydebi to call and talk to your mother icon_biggrin.gif




OMG...I stumbled into this thread without the slightest concern of wetting myself and you snuck THIS in! Thanks for the extra load of laundry I have to do now!! icon_lol.gif

GenGen Posted 25 Aug 2007 , 5:54am
post #63 of 126
Quote:
Originally Posted by Melvira

Quote:
Originally Posted by cakesbycathy

The only thing I can think of is to ask Indydebi to call and talk to your mother icon_biggrin.gif



OMG...I stumbled into this thread without the slightest concern of wetting myself and you snuck THIS in! Thanks for the extra load of laundry I have to do now!! icon_lol.gif


now mel icon_smile.gif you outta know by now to expect the unexpected here icon_wink.gif lol

i'm a member by only a few months and i've Really learned that icon_wink.gif hehe.

mezzaluna Posted 25 Aug 2007 , 5:57am
post #64 of 126

I haven't read all the responses yet, but when I read the original post something JUMPED out at me

*you can't disrespect the woman who brought you into this world*


And why the hell not, may I ask????

It is quite obvious that she disrespects YOU on a regular basis.

Time to get some balls of steel and STAND UP to her.

mommyle Posted 25 Aug 2007 , 6:19am
post #65 of 126

I love my mom. All these stories I am hearing make me feel even more grateful than I usually feel. I was adopted "fresh", and I have always been very glad. We have an excellent relationship, and we are constantly doing things for each other, no strings, all love. As a matter of fact, my kids and I spend about 5 weeks every summer with them in their summer home, and 1 week wintering with them.

So I have no idea about the awful situation that you are in with you mom.

But I know for a fact that my mom, if she asked, would pay me for a cake. She'd pay for the supplies (and any other groceries that I happened to need), and then also pay for the cake. She'd probably also pay for the gas to get it to the party, knowing her. Then she'd tell me to write a check on my dad's account for the cost of it too!!!! icon_biggrin.gif

That being said... If you mother asks you for a cake, she has solicited your business. As a business woman you owe it to yourself to respect your business enough not to short-change yourself. And as others, including yourself, have said, "it will cost this amount to do the job that you would hire me to do" and then depending on how you are feeling at the time, you can offer to do it for cost, or charge her extra for all the years of torment.

All the best on this one!
Take care.

cwcopeland Posted 25 Aug 2007 , 1:08pm
post #66 of 126
Quote:
Originally Posted by bitofsnshn

ok ok i have the answer. A sheetcake and a container of cookies from costco. i think what she offered should cover the cost. Show up with them in hand and tell her you just ran out of time, but dont worry you were able to get her something in her budget.




Examples like these will not solve the problem.

This goes way beyond the cake.

cwcopeland Posted 25 Aug 2007 , 1:34pm
post #67 of 126
Quote:
Originally Posted by indydebi

Quote:
Originally Posted by nefgaby

You know, to honor your father and mother is the first commandment WITH a promise (Dt 5:16)



Respectfully responding......

I was actually waiting for this one to surface. I find it amazing that this is the ONE line from the Bible that non-christian evil parents know. (Oops! I am NOT calling you non-christian or evil!). They know nothing about God's Law but while they are beating their children with coat hangers and belts, they are quoting this line.

I doubt very much that God said, "Children, you must honor thy father and mother no matter what they do or pay the consequences, but mom and dad, YOU get to do whatever you want to my most blessed Gift, the little children, and that's ok."

Nope.....don't believe that's how it went down.





So glad you said this cause I couldn't have said it better myself. After reading the scripture nefgaby wrote, I've been sitting here looking through my bible looking for a passage we went over in Sunday School a few weeks back that basically said, "hurt a child and you will have a big rock tied around your waist and thrown into the deepest ocean." I can't find it right now. I thought I had it bookmarked. My point is that I don't thing God would blame her for defending herself against a mom who has disowned her at 10 years of age.

OK. Gotta go. Roper's tearing the doors off the cabinet in the utility room again. (another post)

OhMyGoodies Posted 25 Aug 2007 , 2:10pm
post #68 of 126

WOW! Thanks everyone for your input and help. I went to bed last night in the middle of page 3 and wake up this morning to 2 1/2 pages of comments icon_smile.gif Thank you all!

I'm thinking of the exact wording right now but I think I've got it!! lol

"Mom I can't do the cake and cookies for $20.00. The cake you want will cost $45.00 for a sheet cake, or $60.00 for a round, to feed 30 people. The cookies will be $3.00 a dozen. I can not do it for the $20.00 offered because it does not even cover my costs and time."

I have a habit of saying I'm sorry when I really shouldn't have to. And I think if I chicken out I'll just have hubby back me up lol. He's fed up with mom and all her demanding and stuff. Her current thing with him is (he's a full time carpenter, ex-plumber, ex-pool man, ex-electrian) she redoing so much of the house right now, redoing the basement and wants ceramic tiles put down on the concrete floor, since he doesn't know how to do that at all, she's contracted a work friends son whom she's paying to do it. Hubby has to find two friends that don't want/expect to get paid, to help him remove the old sliding glass door, rebuild the frame and put in a new sill, which means he has to jack the house up to support the entire house when he removes the main sill/support to replace it. This is something that would normally take his entire work crew of 4 people, at least 2-4 days. She wants it done in ONE day. Fed up with her BS he finally told her as nicely but sternly as possible, "Mom I'm sorry but it can not be done in 1 day it'll take at least the entire weekend and unless you want to contract someone who will send a crew of 5+ men out here to do it you won't get it done in 1 day."

I guess I should also include here, my husband is more of a son their either of her sons ever were. My half brother is the one whom she allowed to hurt us when we were younger, my other brother, whom is her son, but dad adopted him to give him the same last name as all of them when they got married, is a recovering drug addict and alcoholic, mainly because of his childhood and what our half brother did to him too. Since he's so messed up with depression and suicidal thoughts because of my sister's situation (they were VERY close and like best friends) he lost his job, stayed in the house, never left for anything, she paid over $300.00 for his meds just so he could try to get better, then he ended up getting put in jail AGAIN for Child Support, she bailed him out, $500.00. Now he's doing better, he was actually out and about thursday and I got to see him for the first time since Christmas. He missed my oldest nephew's birthday party in March, missed my daughter's in May, missed my other nephew's in June, missed dad's birthday in July, and is now doing better. She gives in to him no matter what it is, he fried her computer and she just let it go and had dad spend $3000.00 on another one for her because she CAN NOT live without iWon at home!!!!

Ok that went further then I expected sorry lol. But my point is her own son won't lift a finger to help her out so my husband does it all. When we lived there off and on in the last 10 years it was because of various reasons. The first time was when I was pregnant, we were living in a little run down house because that's all we could afford at the time, when I went into labor as I was giving birth she proceeds to tell me "You are not taking my grand child back to that house when you leave this hospital you are to move home." So we did. 6 weeks later she throws us out because my drug addict brother moved back in and I was rude to him and didn't trust him to hold my daughter because he was either always high or drunk. I went into the hospital when Suz was 2 weeks old and had emergency gal bladder surgery and was in there for a month with back to back problems after the surgery, one of which almost resulted in my death. I've had nothing but health problems since the blood transfusion I received against my will. She would help my husband by taking Suz in her bedroom every other night so he could get a half way decent nights sleep for work. I had a very good friend who babysat for me for free considering the situation. Mom has NEVER babysat for me. She always took my sister's boys places and babysat for her when me and hubby couldn't, but she has NEVER babysat my daughter which is why my daughter has seperation anxiety so flippin bad she won't even sleep in her own bedroom 3 feet from my room without a huge fight or someone being in there with her until she falls out lol. The one time we did ask them to watch her for us so we could go out, we've only been on 3 dates in our 10 1/2 years together, my dad ended up watching her the entire night and when we came in at 2 am (went to a concert mom gave us tickets for) she was sitting up crying because "they went to bed and mom-mom shut and locked her door" and she was scared to be down in the living room by herself.

The main reason I don't want her doing this crap to us anymore is because I don't want my daughter growing up thinking it's ok to be like that to her husband and family. I grew up thinking it was normal for the man to wait on the woman hand and foot and do everything while she did nothing. My husband was very understanding when he saw first hand how I grew up by staying there one night when we first met. He excepted my apology and explained that it's a 2 way street and there is give and take not just take. I've been trained just like Debi in how NOT to be a mother. I refuse to use those tactics on my daughter and I agree, there is no "repaying" owed. She is my angel and my miracle child as I was told when I was a teenager I would never be able to have children. And seeing as I've only had one pregnancy in her 8 years of life that ended in a miscarriage 2 weeks later, I've come to see that God only intended me to have on miracle and 3 step miracles lol.

I'm not religious because we were forced to go to church as children and to indure endless crap that was basically telling us how to live and who to be friends with and such... needless to say we quit (me and my sister) and we both ended up with people we "weren't" supposed to be with lol. She has 3 children by "those" people and I'm married to one lol... my parent's accepted it just fine but mom's church did not and refused to marry us because of that. So I've drilled it into my daughter's head I don't care who you end up loving or marrying because I know you can't control that but make sure he's good to you and doesn't hurt you. Skin color and all that does not matter! You can not tell your heart who to care for, and your heart knows no color but one. (I think yall kinda get it but incase ya don't.. my husband is black I am white... the catholic church didn't agree with mixing the two.)

Ok I think that's it.... man I ramble I'm sorry gang lmao.

KellyAnne1284 Posted 25 Aug 2007 , 4:14pm
post #69 of 126

SuHwa,

That's exactly why my hubby and I can't text message with one another anymore. LOL.

cwcopeland Posted 25 Aug 2007 , 5:29pm
post #70 of 126

Wow. Your "speech" sounds great and I think it's good for you hubby to back you. You need all the support you can get.

Waiting for the outcome......

Good Luck!

GenGen Posted 25 Aug 2007 , 5:42pm
post #71 of 126

*applauds* sounds great! i have a sister like that. the one i say has her own diamond mine, both my parents obviously favor her for reasons i still cannot fathom lol.

i too was forced to go to church etc through my youth till my parents split for the 2nd/3rd time.

hubby and i both share the opinion we're not against religion- just how some churches dictate how your to live your life and you Must do this etc.

i talk to god every day - in my heart. i dont need a building to do that. but please dont take what i say wrong; i honestly dont mean to offend anyone by this.

i just mean i empathize with you.

Chicklets Posted 25 Aug 2007 , 6:03pm
post #72 of 126

OhMy,
I am so sorry you are dealing with this. It sounds to me like you tolerate her for the sake of your Dad. Is there anyway you could have a relationship with him and not her? My first instinct is to tell you to run as fast as you can away from her but then I got a sense that you really love your Dad and it could hurt your relationship with him. If it were me, I would first speak to your Dad about it and get his opinion. If he is no help perhaps you could tell your mother you will get a list of ingredients together and she can go purchase them and you will do the cake for supplies and donate your labor. Or even tell her in exchange for your labor she can watch your daughter. That way she can see how much ingredients cost and what a time consuming job it is!

I hope you can work this out and establish rules for the future. Life is too short to have toxic people in it! If you cannot fix the problem, perhaps it is time to walk away. I don't think this is about a cheap cake, I think it is about a life decision.

Peg2665 Posted 25 Aug 2007 , 6:05pm
post #73 of 126

Who needs Dr. Phil when we have Dr. Debi.
So often I find myself saying "My simple, boring life!" Trust me, I like it that way. No drama. My parents are wonderful. I can't imagine growing up in the households that so many you have.
Over the years, there have been some "friends" that would just take, take, take. It took my DH to open my eyes and teach me to cut those leeches out of my life.

wgoat5 Posted 25 Aug 2007 , 8:11pm
post #74 of 126

OhMyGoodies I am soooo sorry that your mom has to be "Not so much a mom" (that's what a friend calls her mom) . I can't say I know how you feel or I know anything...all I can say is that I am sorry you had to endure this mental ABUSE because that is what it is. I don't know what your heart tells you but I know what I would do if I were in this situation...I would tell her I can't do it. And "mom" if you don't understand I need to make a little money then maybe you need to go krogering for your goodies to take for your FRIEND whom I feel you care more about then you do myself.
When my dad was alive it seemed like we (dh and I) fell on hard times A LOT....never once did he ever expect a penny back...I knew this cause he said..."You can pay us when you can or not I don't expect it because I am your dad and I will do whatever for my kids until I die"
That is what WE parents are supposed to do for our kids...We ARE supposed to help when we can (and if we can), we ARE supposed to love unconditionally. And WE DONT expect anything back for raising our kids.

May I extend my biggest Kentucky hugs to you, because I think everybody deserves a hug EVERYDAY of their life, you are important and don't ever forget it...if it means cyber hugs from your CC buddies then so be it..

JMHO from Kentucky

Christi

bakedandiced Posted 25 Aug 2007 , 8:46pm
post #75 of 126
Quote:
Originally Posted by indydebi

Quote:
Originally Posted by nefgaby

You know, to honor your father and mother is the first commandment WITH a promise (Dt 5:16)



Respectfully responding......

I was actually waiting for this one to surface. I find it amazing that this is the ONE line from the Bible that non-christian evil parents know. (Oops! I am NOT calling you non-christian or evil!). They know nothing about God's Law but while they are beating their children with coat hangers and belts, they are quoting this line.

I doubt very much that God said, "Children, you must honor thy father and mother no matter what they do or pay the consequences, but mom and dad, YOU get to do whatever you want to my most blessed Gift, the little children, and that's ok."

Nope.....don't believe that's how it went down.





indydebi - totally agree!

Ohmy - tell your mom no and go on, you are an adult now and no matter how much help she has given, do not let her walk over you.

OhMyGoodies Posted 25 Aug 2007 , 9:19pm
post #76 of 126

Thank you everyone! Small update... I called earlier to find out what time we were supposed to come pick the children up and dad said they were bringing them over here (that way she doesn't have to let me use her car or his truck lol) so I asked what time because we have things we have to do today he said he'd ask her to hold on so I waited and he came back to the phone and said "she's asleep where are you at home? {yes} ok I'll call you when she gets up" That was at approx 12 o'clock... here it is 5:15 and I haven't heard anything more from either of them. We did run to walmart for my step daughter's bday present for her party tomorrow and got a few groceries while we were there but now where near what we really need. It's 95* out and feels like - quoting my 8 year old "200 degrees out here!!!!" lol so we aren't tryin to go back out right now. Hubby asked me to call and tell them to make sure they are feed before they come or to stop by and get chicken for all of us because we only have enough food for the 3 of us since we don't know from week to week when we'll have them and we're down to the last little bit right now lol. (friday is shopping day but it's been way too hot) but I haven't done so yet I'm hoping when he calls he'll tell me they're already fed and if not I'll mention it lol. But yeah she hasn't called back yet at all and I don't expect her to but I will write it down if I have to and have my daughter run the note out to her lmao icon_wink.gif I know chicken way out but hell... I'm a wuss lol

yummymummycakes Posted 25 Aug 2007 , 11:39pm
post #77 of 126

I'm sorry, but the way I see it giving birth to a child does NOT make you a good mother.

Being a good mum is about how you are their for them, to support them through the good and bad, to allow them to make their own mistakes and learn from them.
It is about respecting them and their ideas of the world, about instilling good moral values and following them yourself.
It is about loving them unconditionally.

I wiped my mother out of my life about 18 years ago and only met with her again on Friday, some things just do not change!!! And she is one of them.

I intentsly dislike this woman (hating someone just drags you down!) and the problems that she caused me growing up by not listening to me.

Just a little of the background, when I was a child she used to take me to her brothers house and leave me there, one night he came into the bedroom and sexually abused me. When she picked me up the next day I tried to tell her, but she told me I was a horrible little girl for telling lies and slapped me in the face. I never tried to tell again despite the fact that she kept leaving me with him. When I was 15 I left home.

Fast forward a couple of years, had baby daughter mum comes back into my life I want to be a better mother, so sorry, blah, blah, blah.

Stupidly believe her, so naive...................... left my daughter with her overnight while I was delivering baby son, left hospital next day drive to mums to pick daughter up, didnt tell mum I was on my way.

Get there, NO daughter, where is she????? She had left her with my uncle. tapedshut.gif

Rest of the story involves lengthly court cases and jail time for the uncle, but unrepairable damage to my daughter and I. icon_cry.gificon_mad.gificon_evil.giftapedshut.gif

And when I saw her on Friday, was like she had nothing to answer for.

Will never speak to this woman again............... and if I could 'divorce' her as a parent I would.

I will not let this woman hurt me or my family ever again.

mariannedavis Posted 26 Aug 2007 , 12:40am
post #78 of 126

Cheryl, I won't get into details, but I will say that I understand your pain very well. My mom took the "I didn't know what was going on" route.

Although it doesn't change what happened, I am SO proud that you pressed criminal charges. That's good for both you and your daughter's emotional health.

Big hugs to you and your family. --Marianne

wgoat5 Posted 26 Aug 2007 , 12:50am
post #79 of 126

Cheryl and Marianne let me say I am so sad to think this awful stuff has happened to either of you. icon_sad.gif Makes me cry so hard when I hear of this!


(((((((((((hugs))))))))))))0

darcat Posted 26 Aug 2007 , 12:52am
post #80 of 126

OhMy and INdideb and a few others have just made me cry for you. I want to take all of you and give you a big hug and hold you. I only have one child (a daughter 24 yrs old) but I was blessed with 10 lovely sis and bros and 2 wonderful parents but my mom's mom was a witch and now I seem to always adopt friends grandmas imagining that they are mine. I know I am blessed beyond measure but children should always be protected never harmed, they are so precious. I really believe ohmy that you should stand up to her I am also afraid for you that it might cause irreparable damage for your marriage if you dont do something now since as you mention yr inlaws help you out when you are having problems and I can see that they might get offended if they are helping you with food and you are giving it away to your mother in a sense. You have to be strong girl and put your foot down and it seems to me that your mother needs you more than you need her. Again I want to say HUGS to all the children who are now adults and have not had the experience of a loving family. (wiping my tears off my keyboard)

OhMyGoodies Posted 26 Aug 2007 , 12:53am
post #81 of 126

I went thru the same thing Cheryl. My mom still to this day denies anything ever happened and says I need to stop lying. It's hard to understand because I wasn't the only one it happened to.... Oh well I guess some people just can't fathom or believe someone they love could commit such an evil act on a child or anyone.

jules06 Posted 26 Aug 2007 , 2:20am
post #82 of 126

Cheryl,I can't find the words to tell you how sorry I am that you & your daughter had to go through that & not have your mothers' support & love - I also applaud you for cutting her out of your lives...like a previous poster said - giving birth doesn't make you a good mother,it's what comes after that.
Ohmygoodies, I totally get where you're coming from..I don't have "hallmark" mother either...my younger sister is the "pet " ( I'm way,way down the list - not sure why tho' !! ) my mum lives 5 min drive away but I haven't seen or heard from her for almost a month,therefore her grandkids haven't either ! She hates my daughters' dad so practically ignores her,doesn't pick her up or cuddle her ( she's almost 2 ) has only looked after her once since her birth & whinged about that.....of course there's a lot more but I don't have all day !!!

I always wish I could have a mum who was a friend,that I could call every day & have a chat with,go shopping with etc,etc.... icon_sad.gif

lionladydi Posted 26 Aug 2007 , 3:15am
post #83 of 126

I think this thread has stirred up some very bad memories for several of us. The big difference for me is that my mom was not aware of the molestation until I was 48 years old. I had hid it from her all those years and so had my sister who is 4 years older than me. It was our own father. When I finally told my mom (my father has been dead since 1976) she was devastated. Then she found out about my sister and that almost put her over the edge. My sister has been deaf since she was two. Her faith in God and her minister are the only things that got her through it at all. I'm not sure she ever really got over it before she died almost 5years ago.

At times I wish I had just kept on keeping the secret but it did help me to finally cope with it. My sister sought counseling in her later years but I just kept it bottled up. I loved my mom more than anything in the world but I always wondered why she didn't see what was happening and why she didn't save me. I am still trying to come to terms with that. I also feel guilty now for not saying anything because maybe that would have helped save my sister from some of that. Although she was older, I always tried to protect her. I feel like I failed her. She doesn't feel that way and we are able to talk about it now. Funny thing is that she still grieves for him and I feel nothing but hate.

Wow! Can't believe I let all that out on here. Just seemed like the time to do it. I guess there are skeletons of some sort in all our closets.

Diane

yummymummycakes Posted 26 Aug 2007 , 4:01am
post #84 of 126

To everyone thank you for your hugs and supportive nature.

I dont know why I choose to vent all this personal stuff on CC............. actually yes I do, it is because everyone is so supportive and it does feel like family.

And whilst I do realise that some people may be shocked that I actually said everything I did, talking about it is one of the best ways to heal and to make the public aware that it is ok to talk about it, and that some families are not always the best to be raised in.

Survivors have no reason to be ashamed of what happened, we are not responsible, the blame belongs solely with the perpetrator.

And to lionladydi, you have no reason to feel guilty. Your sister doesnt blame you so stop blaming yourself, the only person you are harming is YOU!! You deserve better than to spend your life blaming yourself for something, that even if you had told someone, you may not have been believed. (And this point is obviously been proven by some of our experiences)

And you could try my motto: 'the best form of revenge is success' refuse to let the perpetrator ruin your life, live life for now not then.

So to everyone, love your children, raise them the way that you would have liked to be raised, and trust that the CC family will always be here for us! icon_biggrin.gifthumbs_up.gif

Hugs and kisses for all

Cheryl

OhMyGoodies Posted 26 Aug 2007 , 1:38pm
post #85 of 126

I want to thank everyone for their stories no matter how heartbreaking they are. There aren't many people I can talk to about what happened to me because I don't know anyone else who has ever been thru it except my sister and brother, my sister and I never spoke about it and my brother and I weren't friendly with each other until my sister's accident. We never really spoke about anything because I hated his now ex-wife because I always thought it was pretty messed up he treated my one sister like gold and treated his wife like gold but treated me like crap.... then she left him all because he wanted to have a few relaxing hours out fishing and having a few beers while fishing on sundays after working M-Sat....

Anyway I'm glad everyone was able to open up and talk about this this weekend. Some things NEED to be let out no matter how old you are and no matter how long ago the abuse was.

When my half brother molested me I was a baby, it continued everytime he was near me he would do things, when I was 13 I tried to tell mom and she didn't believe me.. at my brother's wedding (the one mentioned above lol) he undid my bra during family picture, dad and hubby went after him, were gone for 30+ minutes and I haven't seen him since. I don't know honestly if they killed him and buried him or if they just scared the shit outta him lmao. I'm sure they just laid it out to him and scared him real good icon_wink.gif

But because of being scared my entire life I (was told by a therapist) let things happen to me for the fear that they were going to happen... walking around scared someone was going to hurt sent out a signal to the preditors and alerted them I was scared or some junk which made them attack. So I've got alot of experience in this junk lol sucks though but will help me be a better mother. I know that I'll be there for my daughter and step daughter if anyone ever hurts them and I'll believe them from day one and do whatever I can to make sure someone pays for what they did.

My step daughter was abused when she was a youngin' and her mom didn't believe it and tells me now (7 1/2 yrs later) "I know who XXX was talking about when she said Pop molested her... she was talking about my ex-bf's dad" I said "ok great! now go press charges!" she said "no he's dying there's no need"...

So yeah I'll do my child better then that and I'll be there for her if ever there is a need. I still blame myself for alot of what's happened to me and I know it wasn't my fault but I still blame myself. Sometimes you just can't help it.....

Susan123 Posted 26 Aug 2007 , 2:59pm
post #86 of 126

OK, everyone...3 deep breaths! It's important to remember our past (maybe we give honor to it, maybe it becomes incredibly clear what we want to keep or not keep as our own habits) and move FORWARD! Our experiences help us to mold who we are and who we aren't and for these reasons we can now lay claim our own actions. We are ALL strong, contributing women (at least I believe we're all female on this thread!!) and we have the AUTHORITY to act in the manner which we believe works best for ourselves, our situations, and the people to whom we're responsible. In my mind, this can be boiled down to a few of questions:

1. Do I want to do it? Your answer seems clear. 2. Can I do it? Artistically, yes you can do it. Financially, no you are not able to do it right now. 3. Do I need to do it? Sometimes we need to do things to make the situation right; maybe we feel a responsibility to a person or a situation, or maybe we've agreed to do it, or maybe we owe it someone for something they've done for us in the past. But we don't always need to do it.

Let's CLAIM the independance to make our own decisions and our dependance on one another (in threads like this!) for support and advice. I think you know the answer...this is one of those times you need the support to tell your mother the answer and that's what we're here for!!!

kathik Posted 26 Aug 2007 , 3:12pm
post #87 of 126

First, I want to say that for those of you who grew up in normal healthy families, please realize just how special that is and never take it for granted! As indydebi (I think) said, you will never truly understand how those of us who didn't feel. I am glad! I don't want you to really understand, but please take what you have heard here and let it temper your responses to those around you. It can be very painful to hear, "but she's your mother!" or "you need to honor or respect your mother". Some of us show more "respect" for our parents by having nothing to do with them when we really feel like shouting from the rooftops how evil and horrible they are!

Second, OhMyGoodies, indydebi, lionlaydi, cherylweddingplanner, and anyone else I missed, I'm right there with you! Indydebi your description of your mother (narcissistic, habitual liar, psycho bi*tch) could have come out of my own mouth. Okay, it actually has! I, too, grew up in an abusive home. You would think that they wouldn't leave a vulnerable child with someone who was diagnosed as a manic depressive schizophrenic, but they did. And "Mommie Dearest", like you said, that was child's play. To this day I can't sleep under sheets because when it "ripples" during the night I wake up in fear. This goes back to when I was eight and my mother tried to kill me as I slept. I have chronic knee problems from the beatings when she tied my arms behind me to the leg of my bed and used a belt buckle on my knees. And, oh how I can relate to the whole sexual abuse thing. Let me tell you, especially any single Mom's out there, beware of any man who wants to spend time with your daughter alone. And no matter how suave he seems, believe your child if they tell you something!! My mother beat the crap out of me when I told her, and then proceeded to tell the man (in front of me) to be sure and let her know if I was uncooperative in any way, so she could "discipline" me. He molested me for years because the threat of her abuse was more terrifying than his. But that was nothing compared to the vulnerable positions she put me in at other times. We lived in Miami, and at the age of 7 she woke me up to dump trash at 11:30 at night because I had forgotten to do it earlier. I was raped at knifepoint. When I returned home (we lived in an apartment building), she proceeded to beat me for "dawdling". And that is just one of multiple situations. Thank G-d he gave me a patient loving husband, because it has taken years until the physical part of our relationship could be "normal". And still, after 18 years of marriage, sometimes it's hard not to have flashbacks.

Anyway, my point is, don't ever tell me that I "owe" my mother anything! Or that I should honor her, or let my children visit her. Some mothers don't deserve respect! Respect is earned. Again indydebi said it well

Quote:
Originally Posted by indydebi

Quote:
Originally Posted by nefgaby

You know, to honor your father and mother is the first commandment WITH a promise (Dt 5:16)



I doubt very much that God said, "Children, you must honor thy father and mother no matter what they do or pay the consequences, but mom and dad, YOU get to do whatever you want to my most blessed Gift, the little children, and that's ok."

Nope.....don't believe that's how it went down.




I find it interesting that Christians often quote this verse. The Rabbis teach that children do NOT have to honor an evil parent. In this case the parent is directly violating G-d's laws and therefore is evil. My Rabbis are in total support and actually encouraged me not to have anything to do with my mother and not to cave to pressure to invite her to my children's Bar and Bat Mitzvahs.

So, long story short, OhMyGoodies, we are behind you!! Don't let her manipulate you. Remember we are standing with you. Picture us there with you saying, "No, I won't be walked on and manipulated again!"

Peace to all of us,
Kathi

lionladydi Posted 26 Aug 2007 , 3:28pm
post #88 of 126

Kathik, my heart goes out to you. I know exactly what you mean by the flashbacks. I don't know what I would have done if my mother had been abusive. She was the finest person on earth. She just fell in love with the wrong man. He was a womanizer and sweet talker and swept her off her feet when she was divorcing her first husband and had three little boys to support. I know that my father tried things with one of my cousins and I wonder how many others. It's a proven fact that these perps don't stop with one or two.

I also totally agree with saying that people should not tell us to honor our parents when they don't know the whole story.

Thank you so much for your kind words.

Diane

FromScratch Posted 26 Aug 2007 , 3:40pm
post #89 of 126

I just got through reading this whole thread and I wanted to say that you are a strong person.. even if you don't believe you are. You have made it so far and have made the choice to not do to your children what your mom did you to.. and THAT takes strength.

I also wanted to say that you shouldn't make your daughter deliver your note to your mom.. she shouldn't be in the middle of any of this. Gather up all you have.. remember that it is a LOT.. and give it to her yourself. It'll mean more coming directly from you anyway.

Keep up the good work and remember that you don't have to to it all just because someone expects you to do it. Don't appologize for things you don't need to (I do that too sometimes but I am getting better thanks to my family's support). Most of all.. set the example for your own kiddos that you have been setting.. let them see their mom stand up for herself. You know you have all of our support..

OhMyGoodies Posted 26 Aug 2007 , 3:45pm
post #90 of 126

Ok semi major update lol.....

I knew she'd still be asleep when I took Dad's truck back this morning, but I was also hoping she'd still be asleep lol. Sometimes she shocks me and is up watching tv or playing on the computer. Hubby took the keys, paper, bag of clothes, and a note I wrote her in the house, and since they were still sleeping he left it in dad's chair.

The note said:
Mom,
I can do a cake for 18/20 people for $20.00. The cake for 30 people would be $45.00. I can do the cookies for you but I'll need you to buy all the ingredients because I don't have any of that on hand. The cake will be a 9x13" 1/4 sheet, and if you wanted the bigger one it's an 11x15" 1/2 sheet. I was thinking of doing the decoration in light green icing for grass and doing a golf ball and a hole. I do not have any figures to put on the cake, but Ben Franklin's has them if you want one for it. Let me know if you still want me to do the cake.

**heart** Becky.

It's been about 35 minutes and I haven't heard from her yet lol. I'm sure she'll call and ask me why I didn't just talk to her about it and then I'll just tell her she was asleep and I didn't want to wake her. So hopefully she'll get a clue here and either she'll cancel and go to the store and get a less formal, less intimate cake for this bunch or she'll go with the smaller cheaper cake and buy the stuff for the cookies. I'm just in total shock she's even making the brownies herself lol. This is a woman who hasn't cooked a meal in more then 10 years lmao. With the exception of Chrismas, Thanksgiving and Easter dinners... but the last few years/holidays me hubby and daddy have had to make them because she's been "too tired" or too ticked off at Dad to do it lol.

But yes someone mentioned earlier about my relationship with my daddy.... is it that obvious he is my world? next to my daughter and my husband? lmao. He supports us (my family) in so many ways, more then just lending me $20.00 when I need gas or a few extra things from the store or buying the milk and bread when I'm helping him fix his comp or something lol. He's always stood behind me in everything I've chose to do, I told him we were getting remarried next year and he laughed and smiled and said "I'll ask you the same thing I asked your brother when him and S got married... 'are you sure you want to do this'" I laughed and said of course! We're practically still married lol only thing that doesn't make us married still is the papers and the last names lol. So he's very supportive and is willing to help me all he can with anything and everything but like he told me last night he can't afford to "front" all my rent until I get caught up (we fell a month behind currently lol) and if my uncle gets wind of it he'll do all he can to stop him from kicking us out but I've got to try to find a steady job so I can get caught up lol. So I find out he's been fronting my rent into their rent account lol he and my uncle own this house together as an inheritance from my grandmother so I have to deal with both of them lol.

Anyway I wanted to drop a line and let yall have an update... I have my step daughter's birthday party to attend today at 2 pm so hopefully mom will wake up for lunch or something and will drop me a line maybe leave a message if I'm gone lol... I'm so scared of this woman lmfao

Oh and how rude is it that hubby's exwife---- I OFFERED!!! a FREEBIE! as my step daughter's present since money is so tight.. to do her cake for her for FREE. She said money is real tight for them too so she'll be making one herself. She tells me on thursday that she bought her one from Food Lion in the Brat's theme as a surprise because she doesn't have much of a present to give her.... how rude! I told hubby he isn't to touch that cake today lmfao. icon_wink.gif

Edited to add in:

I just re-read my post to make sure it was typed right lol and I noticed I DIDN'T SAY I'M SORRY ONCE IN THAT NOTE TO MOM!!! YAY!!!!!!!

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