I need some serious help getting through some things with my boyfriend.
To begin with, we have a very happy home. We get along extremely well . . . always talking things out, joking . . . he really is my best friend. Our friends and family always give us grief because we are the most "perfect" couple they know yet we haven't gotten married yet. (I hate being called the perfect couple . . )
Despite all of that, we do have our issues. Recently we have been having a hard time at home with a few things.
My boyfriend travels frequently for work. His busy travel times are from Sept to early Dec, and then late Jan to June. I have learned to adjust to the long periods apart. Last fall he was gone for 3 months straight . . . when he came home I had a hard time adjusting to him being back in the house. Within half an hour of him being home I had to leave the house to call my mom and vent--I was crying because it stressed me out when he walked in the door and dumped his stuff all over the entire livingroom, den, stairs, bathroom, etc. I can acknowledge that I am a control-freak and have some issues with OCD . . . but really, he could try to be a bit neater. The cleaning fairies don't appear at night you know!
We got through all that but lately my boyfriend has admitted that he resents how overbearing I can be about household things. We recently took a road trip to Colorado--I had everything packed, organized and in the car before he really gave it any thought. I don't think about it as shutting him out . . . he works more than I do and organization is one of my strong points. He was a bit hurt although he admitted that he would never have thought of some of the things I did to make our trip more comforatble.
Housecleaning is another chore that he wishes I would let up on. I don't like how he cleans--I think we have two entirely different opinions on what "clean" really is. Clean to me is not only dusting, vacuming, etc but also putting things where they belong and having organized cupboards and closets! He thinks clean is vaccing once every few weeks and dusting once a month . . . and he is not a tidy person. For this reason I never wait for him to help me with cleaning, I prefer to do it when I am alone. Nevermind that cleaning is a stress-relieving activity for me, I just want to do it right and much more often than he does. Apparently thats not helping because he feels like I don't let him do anything . . .
Laundry is another thing. It bugs me when he helps with this chore because he will jsut take laundry upstairs and dump in on the settee in our bedroom or toss it on our couch . . . he doesn't complete a chore. He does things half way and then stops . . . and then I have to rewash the laundry because the dog laid on it, or its horribly wrinkled and takes forever to iron each piece, etc. He just doesnt understand that when he helps I need him to finish or it just makes twice as much work for me.
Today was an disagreement about dinners. Particularly, we are having a small group of friends over for a barbq tomorrow night. I had already made a list of groceries to get, and decided to do a nice easy summer menu when he brought up making his "Famous Greek CHicken." WHAT? You mean that stuff you made last month? It was HORRIBLE! I love him for trying, but he doesn't really know what to do with certain ingredients--he just thinks it looks cool to jumble them all together . . . and the chicken he made last month wtih the feta cheese actually made me really sick. I don't mind him experimenting on me, but its not really ok to do so on our guests. I suggested that we stick to something a bit more economical and more PC for a larger group, and it hurt his feelings. He said he felt shut out from everything because I take over . . . I explained to him that the night we invited everyone over I had made these lists and plans--even told him about them!--and he doesn't think about these things until the night before! I was really frustrated with him and ready to cancel the whole dinner . . . .
He finally stopped pouting and seemed to be in a better mood when we went grocery shopping. By the time we got through the store I think he had a better picture of what I was trying to accomplish . . . and how the greek chicken wouldn't have worked . . . but it was still irritating to deal with.
I don't know what to do anymore with this situation . . . we have always been able to get through disagreements like this fairly easily. I have to be organized and self-sufficient because of the many months he spends away from home each year. I realize that perhaps he feels unneccessary when he comes home and see's all that I have accomplished in his absense, but its a choice he made a long time ago. I'm fine whether he travels or not . . . but I dont feel like I should be a different person whether he is coming or going.
ARGH! Someone help me sort this out . . . I am so bummed out about all of this!
Let me also add that since I was a little girl everyone in my family has joked around about me being the little homemaker, my cousins call me "Martha Jr" or "Mini Martha." He knew what he was getting into with me. My gramma and mom are all the same way .... its not like I have changed . . . nor like he didn't have advance notice that I'm a bit coo-coo about certain things.
When I read this I thought that is my DH and I !!!! I love a neat and clean house (including closets and cupboards!) My Dh can care less if it gets done...it drives me insane though. My Dh doesn't work out of town, but my father was a captain on a boat and was gone for months at a time and it was very hard to adjust when he came home. Now my dad was always a neat freak (I wasn't when I was growing up...typical teen I was). We (DM and I) couldn't go out and do stuff like we did whilst he was gone so that drove me nuts. I am the 3rd child, but it was like I was a only child because my sister married when I was 10 (she was 20) and mom and I got very close. We shopped and went out to eat regularly, but when dad got home I felt alone.
My DH works at a steel mill and we pay for a cleaning service weekly to do his uniforms , which I might add comes out of his check, and my DH doesn't use it!!! 
Which makes me incredibly angry 
, we have replaced our washer and dryer set twice in 10 years (looks like he would learn eh? NOPE), because the metal cakes up in everything. Now I ask him why he even pays for the service. Well it's there if I need it he says 
What a dope!!! Not only is that goofy but it is a lot more work on me. I don't know what to do either hun. I guess we just have to love their quirky ways but boy sometimes they really make it hard!
(((((((Hugs)))))))))))) Oh by the way...you all will do fine, I just know it! We have...for 11 years 
The cleaning and planning maybe you could find a couple things you could relax on and let him do HIS way when he's home. That way he'll feel more in control and a part of things.
When someone travels or lives apart for work the adjustment can be VERY hard. My father was in the Army and didn't live with us for years on end and then he'd come back and expect to find his place right away along with kids that were the same when he left. When he retired he hadn't lived with us in over 4 years, we'd seen a little of him but not day to day living. I was almost 17, my mother was working evenings and as the oldest at home I was in charge of the younger 4. It was a huge change. I think for this you're just going to have to accept the stress of it, it's not an easy way of life.
first I want to send HUGS!!
second, I think the previous posts are right in saying that it comes with the way of life and being apart so much. I see it with my parents (my dad travels 3 days out of almost every week) and its hard on both of them. My mom accepts his job but has deep seeded resentment about it that is beginning to surface. My fiance and I have been separated for about 7 months because of work and when we do come together it is usually akward in the beginning until we get settled together. You said that you two are able to talk things out so maybe you should have a really good talk about how you are both feeling. I am sure it is hard for him possibly feeling like an outsider when there is nothing for him to do since you have it all covered, and I am sure its difficult for you to have to go from being self sufficient when he is away to having to share responsibilities when he is home.
I don't think these are problems that are too big to overcome, especially for the "perfect couple" (jk...I know you said you hate that ), I think its just the stress of the frequent separation. You will eventually find your groove in life together and be fine!! Chin up!!
"To begin with, we have a very happy home. We get along extremely well . . . always talking things out, joking . . . he really is my best friend."
This was your opening statement about your relationship and it went totally downhill from there. It doesn't sound like you have a happy home or that you get along extremely well or that you talk things out.
Perhaps some couples counseling would do you both a world of good. If you love each other, you can work through this. Communication is one of the most important parts, if not THE most important part, of a relationship.
Good luck with getting it ironed out.
Diane
He said he felt shut out from everything because I take over . . .
and so would I
old saying: what's good for the goose, is good for the gander.
oft forgotten corollary: what's good for the gander is good for the goose.
as in: it's a two way street.
treat others the way you want to be treated.
consider -- women (and it has been repeated over and over on here) find it very rude if the husband/man in her life does not ask her opinion/viewpoint in advance. If he just goes off and makes a decision or plans something w/out her input it's just plain wrong in the woman's viewpoint.
so then, how is it any different when a woman does the same thing to a man?
you expect him to solicit and respect your viewpoint, your opinion and your advice.
so then, why don't you solicit his?
at this point, as I read it, it's all about you TELLING (which more often comes across as YELLING to men) how to do it all -- no questions allowed to be asked, no other opinion allowed.
and instead of barking up the wrong tree -- pick the battles carefully.
so he doesn't know how to handle laundry --
options
1) teach him -- have a folding party together in the living room while watching tv (mindless task, easier done w/ someone while watching tv) -- gets the clothes done and becomes "quality time" together.
2) just give him his and yours he doesn't touch
3) buy all stuff that doesn't have to be ironed (first thing I look for!!!)
4) please don't tell me you iron underwear!! -- let go of some of the OCD -- after all, I always get such a laugh out of those who have to fold underwear just so (both my parents!) -- hey, who's really going to check? there's underwear police?? reminds me of a Cosby joke "yes ma'am, he did have clean underwear -- we found it in the glove compartment!)
5) make him do his own laundry (he must know how unless he has 6 months worth of clothes when he travels!)
6) do his laundry as your gift to him for his work for and care of you.
so he thinks he can (choke!) cook?
1) watch food tv together -- alton brown! emeril! -- and then have him try some of the simpler recipes -- and yes invite friends for him to show off once he masters one.
2) buy him a "manly" cookbook (etc. as above)'
3) get him to help w/ specific parts of cooking so he learns.
4) give him the shopping list and let him go get it all -- and allow him to make decisions about some of the items (we need xxx -- find the ones you like best or the ones w/ the best price or.... which will again make him feel like you value his input. even allow him to toss in some, limited amount of stuff of his choosing, not on the list. Helps to give a max $$ amount.
so he got miffed about the trip planning.
goes back to asking --
Honey/Dear/Sweetums -- I was thinking of taking x, y, z with us on the trip? What do you think about that? Hey, is there anything special you want me to bring? want to do on the trip? Just the asking makes him feel included.
he resents you being overbearing?
well, that's your problem, not his.
just like my large waistline is my problem and no one else's. Only I can fix it.
oh...and as for the dumping stuff here, there, everywhere -- it's called "marking the territory" -- (yep we can so be like dogs sometimes!) -- got put our mark on it to declare "MY SPACE!" -- and tossing our personal possessions around works just great. MY mom had a simple solution for this -- my room, my mess, door closed. my mess outside my room, picked up and tossed (not put, not placed --tossed) into my room. -- Women mark territory so differently -- it's called "decorative items", pictures, photos, matching bedsheets/comforter/dust ruffle/curtains, counter sets in the kitchen that match the wallpaper. Ever notice so many many just go the cross-eyed look they use for dead animals when confronted w/ that stuff??? or just answer "beige" when asked what color the walls should be? Decorating, the way women mark territory, is so not most men; we're more the personal possessions/clothes as the markers of territory. I would also add, that after living out of a small space/suitcase for so long, he has a need to spread out and enjoy "free space" for a while. Traveling like that forces him to live a very confined, organized, tightly controlled lifestyle and when at home he finally can relax and just spread out (i always get an image of how cats will flop on back and seeming spread out to twice their size!)
and as for cleaning -- well, not going to argue that one -- just see marking the territory! clean enough no one's getting sick is good enough. that one you will probably just have to let go of as doubtful he will ever rise to your high standards.
the relatives have noted the similarity to Martha?
again, your problem. -- consider how that woman is DISrespected by so many for her perceived attitude of snobbish superiority and "I know best/better than anyone" attitude. If others see this in you, is this the you you want to be?
and "he knew what he was getting"
well, so did you! (two-way street thing!)
and just why, pray tell, is it always the man who has to do ALL the changing in a relationship? that's not fair or just.
---
thankfully you saw the two of you have good lines of communication.
well, first I suggest some self-communication/self-assessment. (the old when you point..... or as the Bible puts it: take care of the log in your eye before going after the splinter in someone else's.
-----
finally, speaking as one who can get SOOOOOOOOOO OCD about somethings -- it took a long while -- but I got over it -- for the most part -- and have learned that dust bunnies under the bed or on the self, wrinkled undies or shirt, mis-seasoned food, etc. is not the end of the world.
no one ever climbs into the grave saying:
I should have ironed more
cleaned more
dusted more
cooked more
planned more precisely
etc.
we all too often and too late realize all that got in the way of
I wish I had spent more time
saying I love you
being w/ my family
being w/ my friends
etc.
----
and finally for all the dusting freaks out there a little poem by Sidney King Russell.
DUST
Agatha Morley all her life
Grumbled at dust like a good wife.
Dust on a table dust on a chair
Dust on a mantel she couldn't bear.
She forgave faults in man and child
But a dusty shelf would set her wild
She bore with sin without protest
But dust thoughts preyed upon her rest.
Agatha Morley is sleeping sound
Six feet under the mouldy ground.
Six feet under the earth she lies
With dust at her feet and dust in her eyes
Heck fire.......you don't need couples counseling. We've got Doug. 
I can agree with almost everything he said. I was so OCD in the past. My ex DH (when we were dating) got tired of waiting on me to get everything just spotless before we could leave on a date. When I had the sink wiped out completely and the last tub of clothes hung up, he took a scoop of coffee and threw it all over the kitchen. Told me to make sure that got cleaned up also. Needless to say, I was irate 
After we were married, he would holler into the kitchen and ask if he needed to get the coffee out. That meant I was suppose to sit down with him and pay attention to him.
I know that I have really had to get over my OCD since I became disabled and on oxygen. I had abandoned most of it before that even. It will drive you crazy trying to keep everything perfect and obviously will drive away your boyfriend if it continues. Like I said before, I wish you all the luck resolving your problems. It's a lonely world when you don't have a significant other. 
Diane
When I was growing up my mom was too concerned about keeping a clean house to 1)pay any attention to her KIDS, and 2) to let my friends come over except for once in a blue moon for fear of messing it up.
It drove a wedge between us until she realized that she was going to look back one day and realize that she spent all her time keeping a clean house and none of it enjoying her family. Do you want to look back on life and realize you drove your boyfriend away with your OCD need to always have things done your way?
I know this is only a small part of what you're dealing with, but my annimosity toward my mom stemmed from her behavior, and I see the same thing happening with you and your boyfriend. If you don't lighten up a bit (at least on some things) and let him have HIS way also, you're going to do nothing but drive him away. If you were him, and felt the same way about the situation as he does, would you stick around? I probably wouldn't.
There is more to life than a clean house, or making sure everything is done "right" ("your way"). My husband folds the laundry differently than I do and loads the dishwasher differently. Sometimes he doesn't load the dishwasher at all, what does it matter? Life is also about having a loving relationship with a man who feels that you respect his opinions, and in turn he will respect YOUR's.
I just wondered how you would be if one day you woke up and your boyfriend was gone? We are all guilty of being irritated by spouses little quirks, but then it does work both ways.I have a friend that just lost her husband about 6 months ago. Her pain, I know is horrible. She told me she lost not only her first and only love, but her best friend and that her life is so empty she can hardly bare it. She reminded me that every day give hugs, kisses and love for they may not be there tomorrow. If you truely love this man then I suggest you cherish what you do have, not what you don't.
well, Doug pretty much nailed everything!
The laundry is just a man-thing (sorry, Doug!). My hubby does the same thing. he think shoving 4 loads of clean laundry into one basket is helping. His idea of putting laundry away is carrying his basket of clothes upstairs ... they never make it into the drawers, he just pulls what he needs from the basket. When the basket is empty, then it's time to do laundry. How does it affect me? It doesn't.
I do my laundry.....he does his laundry. It works out ok.
I was married to a clean-freak. He made Felix Unger look like a slob. It's a control thing. Everything had to be PERFECT. Well, life ain't perfect. Stuff happens. If things weren't perfect, then he felt out of control. And when he was out of control .... well, there's a reason I divorced him.
Just because "he knew what he was getting" doesn't make it ok to be that way. A control-freak has personal and security issues that show up in the uncontrollable need to control everything. A person who has to have everything little thing perfect in the home usually feels their personal life is a mess .... they can't control the personal mess, but they can control the dust and vaccuming mess. (I'm not an arm-chair psychologist .... just sharing what I learned during the counseling following my divorce.)
A well-balanced person who is happy with their life would be super happy to see their other half come home. If he's home for a short period of time, it sounds like there is plenty of time to clean up "his mess" after he's gone. So spend the time you have together, TOGETHER! Because guess what .... the dust will be there tomorrow. And you can clean it then.
I was the oldest of 6 and I learned as a young adult that because I was the oldest, and the one responsible for everything, that I never learned to "play" as a kid. Ergo, I didn't know how to "play" as an adult. You have to learn to play. Don't have a dinner party so everyone can see how great you are ("martha"!). Have a dinner party because you enjoy sharing food and company with your friends.
"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans."
---- John Lennon
I have to agree with Doug & indydebi. I married a military man thinking that my house would never get dirty. The military has the same standard of clean that I do. Seriously, every Saturday growing up, my mom did a white glove test. Yes, our bed had to be tight( the bouncing quarter test). OCD is not the word for what I had.
We lived together before I we got maried. Whoa, did my eyes get opened. He told me I had to relax, if someone didn't like how the house looked they could leave. He wanted time with me & our children.
So that said...
I'm trying to get someone make me a sign that has on it:
If you've come to visit: WELCOME.
If you've come to inspect: MAke an appoinment.
The house cleaning thing is stress-relieving for me also. So is baking. I choose to bake, I get more smiles that way.
While he's gone, make him a "honey-do" list. He will love that. As hard as it will be, relax on some of the cleaning until he's gone again. Work on the other things together. You'll be surprised how you two will get closer.
Oh boy! My husband is gone quite frequently and I find some of the same things happening except in the reverse. He is very anal about our house and has a valid point. The only problem is that this isn't a model home, people live hereQ You also probably have a routine and are comfortable when things are where they should be then he comes home and messes that all up for you. I am very relaxed and live in a clean house but I don't kill myself getting work done. He will get up at 6am to clean house! I don't have friends at 6am and I am damn sure not getting up to clean. This man will mow at sunrise and will spend his only day off doing house work that really doesn't need to be done. He will throw your things away, dump your drinks out and wash the cups, take your plate to the sink when you've only gotten up to g to the restroom. We have a joke around here. . . Kids eat fast!
We have been together for a long time and realize how different our personalities are and can appreciate that about each other. I am laid back and he obviously isn't. We rarely fight and argue, we love each other and accept the difference. He cleans, cooks and does yard work! I am not going to complain. I was once asked what my dream man was. . . I asked for a man who cleaned up after himself. Looks like I got more than I bargained for!
Elle
.......He will throw your things away, dump your drinks out and wash the cups, take your plate to the sink when you've only gotten up to g to the restroom. We have a joke around here. . . Kids eat fast!
oh that's so funny! My ex was like this! He would empty an ashtray before the smoker was done with a cigarette. His sister would use 2 or 3 ashtrays because she thought it was funny to watch him go into a tizzy! He actually complained because when people came over to visit, they (gasp!) walked on the carpet! (we had wall-to-wall thru-out the house!).
I could go on for days!
.......He will throw your things away, dump your drinks out and wash the cups, take your plate to the sink when you've only gotten up to g to the restroom. We have a joke around here. . . Kids eat fast!
oh that's so funny! My ex was like this! He would empty an ashtray before the smoker was done with a cigarette. His sister would use 2 or 3 ashtrays because she thought it was funny to watch him go into a tizzy! He actually complained because when people came over to visit, they (gasp!) walked on the carpet! (we had wall-to-wall thru-out the house!).
I could go on for days!
Too freakin' funny! I have a girlfriend the same way. I don't go to her house because she is constantly picking up pieces of lint off the carpet or wiping something off. You have to take your shoes off when you enter the house. I seldom go without my shoes for fear of injuring my feet (I have poor circulation and have a very hard time healing in my feet and legs).
My girlfriend gets upset because her daughter in law and granddaughter won't come to visit. I told her if she would take that damn glass dome off her house, they might. I guess her son doesn't let it bother him--he has learned to live with it.
Diane
I think everything that needs to be said, probably has been said.............its hard living with someone else period. I remember when I first got married (and Mike moved in) I was like oh my gosh how am I going to make it!!! He did all kinds of little things that drove me crazy. I mean really I do not want to hold a conversation with you thru the bathroom door while either you (or gasp) I am on the toilet!! He also knows I buy a lot of lite stuff at the store but for whatever reason he always gets messed up and buys fat free (I think fat free cheese is gross) i swear I just get rid of the stuff and he buys more (thinking he really got it right this time).........I just shove it to the back of the cheese drawer and toss it later! a $2 pkg of cheese is not worth it to me. My Hubby is particular about his clothes (specifically his work clothes) he doesnt want to use the dryer cause they might shrink (I keep telling him we are the ones expanding his clothes are not shrinking)... so he washes his own work clothes and I do the rest....and since he hangs his clothes to dry (so they are wrinkly) he knows he has to iron them too!
I think relationships are all give and take, I figure Mike puts up with me and my less than perfect house keeping etc......I can certainly give him a break as well.
nk what I failed to mention is that because I only work 3 nights a week, and he works weekdays . . . I do all my cleaning when he is gone or at work. What time we have together is precious and I don't let cleaning get in the way of that.
What is frustrating is that he used to be a neater person . . . but over time, he is getting more and more lax. I have talked to him about it and he knows he does it because everything gets taken care of whether he helps or not.
I think the bottom line is that I have to be independent and take care of myself, our dogs, our cat, our house, etc while he is traveling . . . its hard to turn the button to OFF when he is home. Not only that, but half the time he is home he is uninterested in participating . . . so what am I supposed to do, check his moods each day?
Its like Tuesday night. . . we had about people over for dinner. Just a backyard barbq . . . nothing fancy. When it came time to clean up, my boyfriend said one of my friends was shocked that he was doing dishes. He of course got all "fluffed" and kept telling me how they were all shocked that he is so helpful, etc.
No one saw that the three platters he washed was the end of his participation in cleaning up. EVERYTHING else was left for me--he went to bed after the guests left and said he would clean up wahtever I left for him to get in the morning. I understand being tired and such, but we are talking plates with food still outside, etc. We live next to a protected wilderness area--I don't want racoons, possums and such being attracted to the yard! I just get really frustrated, and feel like I am sometimes dealing with a teenager.
Its not that I sacrifice family time for cleaning . . . or that we spend time fighting about it . . . we don't. I suck it up and don't say anything because I don't want to waste time on a dead issue . . . he doesn't say something until it occurs to him . . . etc.
wow your friends stink (just kidding) but everytime I go to a dinner at a friends house, I always make sure that I at LEAST get the table cleared and all the mess in the kitchen sink and more often than not I help clean up the whole thing.....I cant imagine coming to a party and leaving my mess outside! When I host the party its no different my friends are all lined up at the sink trying to wash all my dishes (nevermind that I have a dishwasher)!!!! All I am saying is that it was a shame that you guys were left with such a mess, your boyfriend is just more relaxed about stuff like that, I can relate.... I guess it comes down to whether this stuff is make or break??? I know very few couples who have a perfect existence (thats why girls night out is so much fun....we get to vent)...but I think you have to focus on the big issues and try not to get hung up on the small stuff (even though it irritates you to no end). Is he a good man? Does he make you laugh? Does he put up with your annoying habits? Do you see your future with this man? Can you imagine your life without him?
No matter how much my hubby can irritate me, I couldnt imagine my life without him...and when the little stuff starts to get me down, I remember how scared we all were when one of my best friends hubby's 35 yrs old, almost passed away from a brain aneurism.......it was an AWFUL couple of weeks while we waited it out. We are so blessed!
the best advice my mom ever gave me:
pick your battles!
There have been a lot a great comments and suggestions mentioned here.
but I think the #1 thing is COMMUNICATION.
Telling...yelling...they are not communication. I try to always ask my DH if he will "whatever" instead of telling him. If it's helping me put clothes away, vacuum, whatever, I ask. If I don't like the way he is doing something, I don't (well, I try not to) mention right then and complain. Some other time, I tell him that I need to mention something to him. That is when I tell him that when he empties the dishwasher, please put all of the dishes away, or if he is cleaning the kitchen for me, please wipe down the stove too.
Maybe next time you are planning a get together with friends, talk to him beforehand about what your plans are for the meal and get his input early. We are planning a bbq with some friends next weekend and we plan together. He knows what I'm going to do because we've done it before but I make sure to get his input.
It's very difficult when someone is gone alot and then comes home and messes up the schedule/house/plans, etc. That makes it even more important to talk about issues.
Bless your heart. You guys will be fine as long as you remember why you are together and to put the other person first, always.
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