I'm Hurt, Would You Be?

Decorating By fabfour Updated 24 Jul 2007 , 2:16pm by Candy120

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fabfour Posted 23 Jul 2007 , 11:10pm
post #1 of 44

I won't go into extreme detail unless I need to later BUT... how would you all feel if you go to your niece and nephew's birthday party and there is a Wal-mart cake out for everyone to see?

This was on Sat and I am still having a hard time with this. It's not like they don't know I do cakes...I made their wedding cake (brother and his wife) for FREE plus I've done his and her's birthday cakes plus last year I did my nieces first birthday (didn't charge them full price even tho they kept asking what full price was).

No one except DH understands how insulted and hurt I am over this. It makes me feel like everyone else was thinking "Gee, her cakes must not be good if her own brother won't order from her."
Please tell me how would you all handle this?

43 replies
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indydebi Posted 23 Jul 2007 , 11:15pm
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By wishing your niece/nephew a happy birthday. That's it.

It's not a slam against you if they don't order every cake from you. I guarantee you that no one is thinking you make horrible cakes because they got a grocery cake. Maybe they got busy .... maybe they didn't want to "impose" ..... maybe their kid just BEGGED for the grocery cake because that's what all his/her friends have.

You don't want to gain the reputation of having people say, "We-e-e-elllll, if you don't order the cake from her, she'll get all mad!" You don't want sympathy orders .... you want real orders.

I always offer my nieces/nephews a free wedding cake as my gift. If they want to take me up on it, great. If they want to get it from someone else, then that means I get to just enjoy their wedding instead of working it.

Move on.

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Lorendabug Posted 23 Jul 2007 , 11:24pm
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I agree with Indydebi, wish them happy birthday and move on. There are lots of possible reasons why they didn't order from you. They probably had a "duh" moment at some point and thought it might have been too late to order.

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jadak Posted 23 Jul 2007 , 11:25pm
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A similar situation happened to me this past 4th of July. My SIL had a party for her 2 boys. She ordered a cake from Servatis. Now I am new to doing cakes and didn't really expect her to ask me to do this one, but I would have been glad to do it and, had I offered before she'd ordered, she'd have let me make it. All of that being said, I was not upset.

However, I can understand your feelings. I am sorry that you got hurt like that. I am sure their reasons were not to hurt you...probably one of the ones Indydebi mentioned. I hope that you can get past this quickly so you don't harbor the sad feelings.

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cherub5 Posted 23 Jul 2007 , 11:26pm
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If I was in their shoes, I would probably be thinking "she already did our wedding cake for free, she did the first birthday cake, our birthday cakes, we just can't ask her to do it again! she's so nice, we know that she won't let us pay for it, and I feel so bad!" thumbs_up.gif

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MommyEdzards Posted 23 Jul 2007 , 11:30pm
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My sister does the same thing. I have made free cakes for them before, and then she started ordering their cakes from the grocery store again. At first I was really hurt, but after thinking about it I think she just feels bad about not paying for them....she does not want to inpose as someone else said. I would not worry! icon_biggrin.gif

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Luby Posted 23 Jul 2007 , 11:37pm
post #7 of 44

How do you handle it? By keeping your mouth shut and allowing your niece and nephew to enjoy their party. I'm not trying to be rude or sarcastic, but they are under no obligation to order a cake from you just because you make cakes. It could be any number of reasons. For example, maybe they don't want to impose on you or maybe they don't want you to feel you have to make every birthday cake and believe it or not (yes, I know, but will never understand) some people prefer the taste of a cake from Wal Mart or any grocery store. If they were raised eating that type of cake they might find something different not quite as appealing.

Don't take it personally as there will be many times where a cake will be present and you weren't the one who made it.

Sorry your feelings were hurt.

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Tug Posted 23 Jul 2007 , 11:39pm
post #8 of 44

I agree with MommyEdzards, they probably did not want to impose. Not everyone live and breathe cakes like we do. When they order from a grocery store, it's convenient and they don't have to feel obligated to repay you somehow for your work.

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Shayenne Posted 23 Jul 2007 , 11:40pm
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I totally agreed with Indydebi and don't feel bad about it.

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smbegg Posted 23 Jul 2007 , 11:40pm
post #10 of 44

My feelings would be hurt too.....you are human and a woman. There is nothing wrong with being upset a little, but then letting it go. I know that I always feel a little bad when I am not asked to make a cake, but like everyone else said, there are so many factors in play and they ultimately get to choose.

I would just offer ahead of time if you would like to do them.

Stephanie

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Price Posted 23 Jul 2007 , 11:40pm
post #11 of 44

I went to my nieces graduation party and they had a grocery store cake. They were thrilled with it, and I was not offended. As a matter of fact, I was relieved they didn't ask me to make the cake. I had 2 other graduation cakes I was making and was plenty busy! My husband and I both have large families so someone is always graduating, having a baby or a birthday or anniversary! I'm sure you all know how it goes. LoL! I enjoyed the party and was happy for the break!

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BakingGirl Posted 23 Jul 2007 , 11:43pm
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I totally agree with the other posters. I do not charge for my cakes because I am not legal to do so at the moment. But to get practice I have been doing my friends' children's birthday cakes. My best friend knows exactly how much effort I put into the cakes and how exhausted I can be afterwards so she was almost reluctant for me to do her daughter's cake when it came to it. Similarly she felt really really bad about not paying and kept trying to get me things to thank me. I explained over and over again that yes, it is a lot of work, but it is great practice so totally worth it for me.

So maybe that is how your brother feels, probably does not want to take advantage of your kindness.

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indydebi Posted 23 Jul 2007 , 11:43pm
post #13 of 44

..

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OhMyGoodies Posted 23 Jul 2007 , 11:43pm
post #14 of 44

I was a little hurt when we showed up to my step son's party and she had bought not 1 but two (totalled a 9x13 or 11x15 but was cut into two) cakes from a super market bakery.... she didn't even inquire with me about a cake and she had raved that the cakes I did for my step daughter were great and beautiful.... (this is the ex-wifes mother that the oldest lives with...) the ex-wife's friend didn't care for the cake and made it known at my step daughter's party and the grand mother stuck up for me saying they were great tasting and looked great too....

The ex-wife has yet to order another cake from me (2 birthdays since then, other step son and her other son's parties... no invite to parties either lol) and the grandmom didn't order one for the oldest's party even though I could've done a heck of a job doing him a scean to match his new bedroom.....

But I got over it.. I figured maybe she didn't want to spend a whole lot on the party itself since she spent so much on his new bedroom... so I let it go but I was really hoping to get the new customers and she knew how bad I needed orders and stuff...

But you move on and let it go don't take it personal unless they make it personal...

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Janette Posted 23 Jul 2007 , 11:44pm
post #15 of 44

Our very close friends I offered to do all their cakes free. I told them I could always use the practice and I've done $100 cakes for them.

But, birthday's come and go and they never ask for a cake. I remind them all the time.

There is a grocery chain (just happen to go out of business last month) where they love the cake there. I know they are getting cakes, or where, from that store.

There is hardly anything edible that I turn down but when I've been to their house for parties I don't eat the cake. I think it is just nasty tasting.

Oh well, I know my cakes are good if they prefer the store bought then I'm not offended in any way.
Everyone's taste is different.

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StephW Posted 23 Jul 2007 , 11:47pm
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I agree with the others, I would not take it as an insult.

My SIL manages a pizza place and hubby and I would go in maybe once every couple of months and get a good meal - reasonably priced. Then one time we went in and my SIL was not working and one of the servers said something about the check... assuming that we never paid (we always did). After that, I don't know if my SIL felt funny or not - but she will not let us pay anymore. We were not at all upset about paying for the meal. Now we don't go in nearly as often because we feel that we don't want to take advantage of her generosity.

After that long story - all I'm saying is maybe they feel as we do and don't want to take advantage of you. I think that is better than having relatives expect everything for free!

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Mmichellew Posted 23 Jul 2007 , 11:47pm
post #17 of 44

I am so relieved to see sensible responses to this question. I totally agree with the responses above, with one additional comment: rather than assuming and thinking ill of your relatives behind their backs, why didn't you simply ask them what was up with the store bought cake? Its not a big deal either way, but why not be honest and forthright, "Hey whats with the Albertsons cake, sis? I woulda made one for you." that gives the relative opportunity to clear the air rather than for both of you to avoid the issue. Address the elephant in the room, woman, and grow a thicker skin. Gee whiz, life is short enough without imagining complications that dont even exist.
(and just for the record, I don't do free cakes for relatives. Its more comfortable all around if I charge for the cake. Now I might take the profit and spend it on taking sis's kids to take them to the movies or buy her a present. This way its a win win for all!)

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imnamor95 Posted 23 Jul 2007 , 11:47pm
post #18 of 44

I don't think they did it to hurt u. Honestly. But, I can understand how u feel. Hey, at least u don't have my sister! My sister wants me to be making cakes and ccs for her to take to work and parties FOR FREE and doesn't offer a single penny or even to crack an egg for me! Last I found out, she had somebody make her a duncan hines cake for her daughter's bday party! I was like, "talk about cheap!" but, this, I am sure, is totally dif circumstances. icon_rolleyes.gif I am sure that when the kids r old enuf to see and know that u can make the coolest cakes, they'll be asking u all the time. icon_wink.gif

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foxymomma521 Posted 23 Jul 2007 , 11:53pm
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Sorry, but I guess I don't follow you. Just because it was a birthday they were supposed to order the cake from you? Do you expect everyone to order every cake they need from you? If it bothers you that much why don't you call and offer to make it as a gift next time? I'm not trying to sound harsh, but IMHO I don't think there is much reason to be upset...

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jobartwo Posted 23 Jul 2007 , 11:54pm
post #20 of 44

Judging from the cakes you have posted, they probably know the detail you take and didn't want to monopolize your time, especially when they know you won't charge. I know I would have probably been hurt at first also, but it is not worth making yourself so upset. Hope this helps.

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weirkd Posted 23 Jul 2007 , 11:56pm
post #21 of 44

Ive had family and friends buy from other people. I think they dont think about it. They probably dont even realize it bugs you. Just let it go. Like Debbie said, you want real orders not sympathy ones.

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kms2402 Posted 24 Jul 2007 , 12:05am
post #22 of 44

I had a similar situation with a friend of mine. She's knows I make cakes and when I came to her son and daughter's joint birthday party they had 2 store bought cakes. Later she mentioned that she had wanted me to enjoy the day and not have me "slave" over making cakes. I was a little hurt but soon got over it. I say, don't take it personally. But I completely understand where you are coming from.

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MadCat Posted 24 Jul 2007 , 12:09am
post #23 of 44

Try to shake it off!
My SIL is getting married and called me last week and asked if I "knew anyone that did cakes out of their home" because she is trying to work within her budget. I said, "Just me!" and she asked "well, do you know of anyone else?" Talk about akward.

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Daryn Posted 24 Jul 2007 , 12:15am
post #24 of 44

As hard as it is, I'd "just let it go" too. (I am still waiting for someone to teach me how to do that, though I am getting better.) icon_smile.gif Like someone else above said, you are a human, and you are also a female, and I think we tend to get our feelings hurt easily. And the reason she bought it could have been as simple as she just didn't have time to think of the party theme or something like that until the last minute. I always get a store bought cake for my birthday - it is just my thing. I am sure that it was nothing personal.

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tracycakes Posted 24 Jul 2007 , 12:26am
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I agree with everyone about people not wanting to invade your time. Everyone knows how much time and effort (not mention the mess) it takes when making a cake.

I know that at times, friends and family have known I was busy and didn't ask me to do a cake. Hmmm...in fact, I don't remember anyone ever asking, I've always volunteered and they've been thrilled when I did. They know my schedule and all of the time-consuming projects we've had and they don't want to add more. At times, I've asked my mom what kind of cake she wants when it's her birthday or Mother's Day and she's begged me not to go to all of the trouble because I need some down time. I don't volunteer unless I have time or I want to practice.

Just accept that they probably did not want to inconvenience you or take advantage of you. If you want to make the cake, make sure to volunteer ahead of time.

BTW, your cakes are really cute and I'm sure that they would be thrilled to have you make their cakes.

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kitten71 Posted 24 Jul 2007 , 12:34am
post #26 of 44

I can totally understand how you feel. Maybe we don't have as "thick" of skin as others....
Depending on what day it is, a lot of times depends on how I'm going handle things. icon_wink.gif
So maybe your just having one of those moments where this struck you the wrong way. As some of the others have said, try and let it go.. I'm sure they didn't mean to upset you.
But don't let anyone try to make you feel bad about feeling bad! They're your feelings, only you know the complete situation and only you know the people that is involved. Maybe there is some validation to how you feel that we all just don't know about.
Try to keep your chin up and hang in there! icon_smile.gif
Tomorrow will be a better day!!!
Amy

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Tramski Posted 24 Jul 2007 , 12:45am
post #27 of 44

My family always feels like they are asking a lot when I do a cake for them. I always do it for free because I don't cook so that is my way to be helpful, but if they buy a cake somewhere else I just eat my piece and smile and say it was a great party. I don't want them to feel they have to get a cake from me, but I always try to let them know I love making cakes for our family events no matter what

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Tramski Posted 24 Jul 2007 , 12:49am
post #28 of 44

Ok i have to add this I didn't think about it when I did my first post.

The only time I was offended was when the people at work bought a grocery store cake and some decorator pens and asked me to decorate the cake. That was the only time I ever told someone if they planned to order a cake I would prefer they do it through me.

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nicolevoorhout Posted 24 Jul 2007 , 12:54am
post #29 of 44

I hate to play devil's advocate, but if you really wanted to do it, you should have just said I'm bringing the cake. If you wanted them to order it then you have to be prepared that they might not do so. When it comes to family I do all the cakes, it's tradition but for the kids it's part of the present and for the adults it IS the present and they are happy with that. But I don't wait for them to ask me, when we have one birthday we check whose next and I ask them what they want and then that's that! Sorted. There have been times too when I've been busy with other cakes that they've said don't worry and I am insistent NO, the cakes are my thing and the family ones are just as important to me, so it really could have been that they thought they might be imposing.

Last year when my god daughter turned 4 my friend didn't ask me to do a cake bacause they had gone into a bakery and her 4 year old basically demanded a particular cake she'd seen, I'm not gonna argue with a 4 year old it's her birthday!

If you want to do it as a surprise and worried there might already be enough cake, then just do a small one, like an individual gift for the birthday person.

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MosMom Posted 24 Jul 2007 , 12:58am
post #30 of 44

You already have plenty of people telling you what I'm about to tell you but I guarantee they are feeling like they don't want to impose on you. They are trying to be good family. I seriously doubt they think a Walmart cake is better than yours.

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