I understand that he has his side, and no, it didn't bother me that you want to make sure he has his say also.
But, because this is a cake forum and I consider this my group of friends, I wanted some sage advice, but also good clean pokes at men and their short comings. Don't think they don't enjoy giving jabs about our shoe collections or how anal we are about how the dishwasher is loaded. I take it all in stride, and believe me, his feelings don't seem to be hurt one bit in the fact that I can't even look him in the face or even stay in the same room for very long. These girls can have at him online.
I ended up running out of our sunday school class that he teaches because I couldn't hold back the tears when we started praying. How I'm I suppose to explain that one next Sunday? I told a friend before she divorced that you can hate a person just as much as you love them. I know I love my husband very much, but I don't like him very much right now, nor the way he makes me feel like such a failure.
I love cake baking, and he supports my in it. But, if it puts me behind in my "women's work" then is it worth it? I might just stop baking for pay, give myself an allowance out of the checking account, and only bake free for family and friends.
Also, I might try making a list of each thing I do every day and recite it to him when he comes home from work and he asks what I have done all day. Now, I just shrug and say, "The usual..."
wow...from what i have read you don't sound like your neglecting diddly...it sounds like he is...and he's feeling self conscience...if ne1's neglecting nething it sounds like him...he should be happy you do the things you do...tell him if he thinks shit is so easy you two should switch for a day...cake decorating and all...and o btw i'm sry your having a bad day...
ok that came out a lil harsh...i was mad at reading what your hubby said to you...you should never be treated like that...i just got out of a very disastrous marriage and i feel for females where dh's seem like they don't care...hun i'm very sry you had a bad day...hopefully soon things will look up for you...
Don't you just hate it when you have submitted a reply, read it and think "Wow, that sounds different from I was asying in my head?" I tend to do that all the time...
Yes, this afternoon I folded all of DD clothes, washed and steamed 14 of DH's dress shirts and fried homemade Buffalo wings for dinner. But, that pile of school papers is still on the kitchen counter, and half my winter wardrobe is laying on the trunk next to my bedside. I just don't seem to have all together like Mrs. Cleaver. Oh yes, he gave me jewelry for our anniversary. I wasn't as thoughtful as I should have been because I really have asked him not to give me jewelry. He jokingly said that I needed to start prettying myself for him before he gets home every afternoon. Welcome to the South ladies...yes it still goes on!
OH honey, I'm going through the same thing with my DH. Just starting to mend things actually. If you need to pm me. Men (and sometimes women) can be such poop heads! My DH told me the same thing about our house too when he doesn't help out hardly any. I actually was looking into apartments or moving back in with my family when he finally decided to talk to me without yelling and we talked. It's still ruff here but getting better.
haha...i'm from the south...my g'pa is backwoods kentuckian...i know more than anyone it still goes on...hence the reason i got a divorce...but he took it a step too far...but i really hope things look up for you...i can't imagine what my BF thinks when he gets home...most of the time i'm in bed...lol..
This coming from a man so take it FWIW. In relationships jabs or one of the individuals treating or saying something hurtful usually is stemming from something else. I do not know you or what stage your marriage is at or if it really bothers you if you would split up but I can say if your marriage means something then it is time to sit down like adults and get to the real meaning behind the backhanded comments. If you do not address it or speak to your husband on how it makes you feel then it will just eat at you more and whatever is truely bothering your husband will eat at him more. No one likes to be attacked personally for whatever reason but as adults someone needs to be the bigger person and find out 1. Why the comments. 2. How that sort of communication makes you feel. 3. What is your position in your marriage right now and how important to you to make things work. You should speak to him in phrases like I feel and those words make me feel. That way a person cannot get defensive when you attack them with you said and you did. Personal attackes make people fight back. Also be prepared to listen and not defend and grow from what is discussed. It may not be what you want to hear because as individuals we like to feel as how we act has no bearing on what our spouses reactions or feelings should be. Good luck and God Bless.
<------ He is not my husband
I'm so sorry I have not read anyone's replies yet but I am sure you are not the only who feels like this, I think a lot of us all go through it with our damn husbands but we still love them and we get over it, work it out and they become dear again some how and I have the same questions too.... I still have no answer
I'm still trying to figure out "his job" and "her job". I happen to enjoy tending to the lawn (OMG, the stress that gets relieved by pulling up weeds). Fortunately, my husband doesn't mind washing dishes (I'd rather put my tongue in a blender).
After nine years he doesn't care for the quality of your housework??? Girlfriend, start using that Tide concentrated on his clothes (and only his...) That stuff will give you a rash unless you put it through the cycle twice. I know it's not healty (but lets be honest here), I'd be the Passive-Aggressive-Queen-B-On-Acid (and I don't mean bee). Next service he asks of you? Eat a cinnamon Altoids first.
"... or else?" Or else what? Or else I will be gutting your portfolio and all future income during the negotiations? Or else I will be doubling my cake orders so that I can pay my attorney? Or else I will start emptying the bank account and hiding $20s under the ironing board cover (since that's my duty) so that I have a healthy stash?
It's a shame you're about two hours from me. I'd come take you out for a girl day.
Altoids you say...hmmm
Of course he is now acting like nothing happened, and as usual, I will probably let it go and wait for the next comment...no, I really should say something. Man this is hard!!!
Something inside me keeps thinking that if this is the only thing he can find to complain about, then I should be happy. But, it is the same thing over and over...after nine years, get over the clutter, or tell me what the h*ll is really going on. He even told me once that he would help me a couple of hours each weekend to tackle those corners of stuff or the boxes in the back room that never got unpacked from the last move. (Never happened...) It would also be one thing if he was a neat freak, but he is more of a slob than I am. His excuse is, "I'm gone all day!"
Girlfriend, start using that Tide concentrated on his clothes (and only his...) That stuff will give you a rash unless you put it through the cycle twice.
THAT WILL FIX HIM
Honey, I'm not one to give advise on the "healthy" thing to do because, well, I leave that to the professionals. When you want to have a few creative "unhealthy" suggestions, just let me know. (( That Tide thing came from experience, but it was an accident. You ever have a Tide rash from where your undie elastic touches your skin? Bad, bad stuff.))
I do hope all goes well.
I get into weird depression funks where I have a hard time doing anything, much less get out of bed.
Luckily, my Fiance is understanding for the most part. The few times he's blown up about it I've stood up to him and flat told him that I don't appreciate it, at all.
It basically came down to, "Okay, so let's switch places and you can have a mental illness that haunts you your whole life and I can actually have the will to vacuum every day! Show me your awesome machine that can perform this miracle, I'll strap myself in!"
By nature I am a cluttered person.. I am not a neat freak, nor do I particularly care about living in a "showroom" environment.. if others do, that's fine.. it's not me though.
I am sorry about your DH, and I know how it feels to be attacked over something that you genuinely shouldn't and can't do more to help. Next time he attacks you tell him if it's so damn easy he can do it himself. Tell him you're his wife, not his maid, and if he wants a change he needs to talk to you like your adult partner, not your Master.
Emotional abuse and threats are never ok. I lived with that myself and know how hard it can be. I hope it all works out the way you want it to. Hugs, Hugs and more hugs.
Been there,done that....what is it with men who think they are the ones who are in control all the time & can do / say whatever they want to you with no repercussions !!?? Twice in my life I've picked the wrong guy (won't bore you all with details ) marriage is supposed to be about 2 individuals on equal footing with mutual respect,trust & love..isn't it ? (if anyone knows a single man who lives by this - can you let me know please ?! )
And who decided that the guys get to do the outside jobs - which aren't done everyday ??!!
My daughter has a little sign in her family room... " Any woman looking for a husband, hasn't had one" !!.......
sounds to me you enjoy cake decorating because of your artistic abilities, you said you have deep down. you need this outlet for yourself and to have the extra money.
i think he just was feeling bad since you were mowing the lawn and commented on your skills because he knew right where to hit you.
ive been know to get little digs into my husband from time to time. makes me think i should keep my mouth shut reading what happened, and that others have feelings. you opened my eyes.
hope your days are better now, and the nice thing about the cake decorating is you can take the orders or leave them. just dont give it up to think you will be pleasing your husband.
Called and made an appointment with my family doctor today. Thought I would get the clean bill of health physically and get a referal from him to start work on the mental end of things. I really wish I could just have some lessons in standing up for myself once in a while. I have always been afraid of authority, and he is being successful in using that to his advantage. I need to find the courage to let him know that he does not own me, or reighn over me. But because I work in the home, he feels he is my boss.
I just spoke with my mother on the phone. I really hope I didn't scare her with all this mess. I tried to sound very upbeat and didn't even cry.
Wish me luck at the doctor tomorrow. When do I tell DH I'm doing all this?
I wouldn't talk with him about it until after you've spoken with your doctor. He will be the first piece of SOLID advice for you and not the girlfriend-fry-his-tail type advice you might get from someone such as myself. Listen to what your doctor advises. He may not want you to say anything until after you speak with whatever specialist may be necessary.
Beth-good for you for taking the first step to the doctor. It's a start. Best of luck and ((((HUGS)))) to you.
Good for you, you should be proud of yourself for taking this step towards healing, it takes a lot of strength to ask for the help you need. You are stronger than you realize. He does not have authority over you, no one does. No one has control over you. So what if he makes more money? It wouldn't matter if the marriage breaks down to the point of divorce, and then you are eligble for child support and alimony because you were not in the workforce because you were taking care of the children.(I'm not suggesting this, but he seems to be awfully cocky and almighty when this is a possiblity if you are to the point you cannot even look him in the face).
Sometimes as kids we're taught to "not rock the boat", "be good", " do as you're told"....speaking out is usually not encouraged when we're kids. So when we get older the messages can stick and when someone is treating us in a way that we don't like, we don't stop it because we don't want to cause conflict, or we feel maybe they're right, we feel guilty (maybe you don't speak up because on some level you feel he DOES have more power because he works outside the home or makes the main income).
One quote I like to tell myself is by Eleanor Roosevelt , "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent".
Good for you again, and I wish you the best of luck. If you ever need someone to talk to, please feel free to pm me.
Thanks again guys...No, I'm no where near giving in on this one yet. Although at one in the morning when I wrote the first post, I might have given you a different answer.
One of the main problems with me standing up for myself, is because I can argue both sides of any disagreement. "You know, I would love to live in a picture perfect, Martha Stewart home also. Why can't I make it that way..." "Hmmm....maybe because four people live in the 1700 square foot home!" "Yes, but you are home all day. A little less time on CC and no more watching Martha in the morning. Maybe then you could get more done."
Oh well, we will see what happens.
"You know, I would love to live in a picture perfect, Martha Stewart home also. Why can't I make it that way..." "Hmmm....maybe because four people live in the 1700 square foot home!"
This DOES NOT exist. Martha has an entire conglomeration behind her, not to mention a wee bit of jail time. I spent a bit of time in Mississippi ( and nothing against you Mississippi folks), but I felt like a complete failure because all of my friends had picture perfect lives. You could drop in on these people unannounced at 9am and their homes would be perfect. Their kids perfectly dressed and supper already planned and waiting for hubby to come home. In this community, I was Peggy Bundy thrown into Stepford. Then I realized that everyone I knew was medicated. This is not a joke and I'm not making fun of a serious situation. Every single friend I had was on antidepressants. I was trying so very hard to keep up with three kids and make our house as perfect as the neighbors. But the neighbors weren't perfect either. They were just hiding behind $80k in credit card debt, abusive spouses and an impossible image to maintain. You have to figure out what is right for you, not an image that is impossible to obtain.
bethrose - i know exactly what you are going through. I wish i could grow a spine and TELL my hubby to get off my back about the housework. I work full time at night getting home a 1am and usually fall into bed around 3am Mon to Fri. Get up at 7am get 3 kids ready for school and dropped off. Flop back into bed at 9.30am for a couple of house before heading back out at 12.30 to pick up littlest from pre-school. Then the afternoon is a whirlwind of cleaning, cooking picking up the other kids, and getting ready for work.
I am constantly exhausted. The housework is one thing my DH is constantly on my back about. He does help out alot (mainly coz he has to when I'm at work) but I just wish he would stopping nagging, complaining, shouting and arguing over it! I try as best i can to get everything done, but most days I'm luck to get the basics done (washing, vaccumming, bathroom and toilet).
Recently i decided to get a cleaner in once a week for a couple of hours to help me keep on top of it - told hubby what i wanted to do. well the reaction i got was terrible - 'i don't want any strangers coming into my house when you should get off you a**e and do it' needless to say we don't have a cleaner....
I guess like you i really need to get a bit stronger and say that i'm doing my best and if he doesn't like it go.....
Bethroze...good for you!! You are taking the steps you need! Take care of yourself!!! I too am weighing my options at home. And I DID sign up for the Wilton's Fondant and Gumpaste class!!!! I'm going to enjoy it too!!!
Bethrose - I've been where you are,and in some ways, I'm still in that situation..I'm a passive person,try to avoid conflict & confrontation,will just "give in" to keep the peace, when inside my head i'm saying all the things i should be saying out loud ! There's this image of the " supermum " where women can do everything, in double quick time,without neglecting anyone or anything,with a big smile on their face !! It's not real , it's very,very hard to j be a full-time mum whether you work outside home or not,without some crappy,bullying guy thinking your his damn personal slave & your not worth @#@# without him Apologies for getting on my soapbox !!
you need to put yourself & your kids first, get yourself stronger & then work out what's best for you....
Please keep standing up for yourself! I too can defend both sides of the argument usually and it bites me in the butt since I let my DH say the same hurtful things yours does. My DH and I are on the mends but I let it go too long and he's having a hard time realizing I'm serious about standing up for myself!
That sounds like a comment my EX-HUSBAND kept on repeating to me, except he called me down for everything. I didn't even know who I was, anymore, after 10 years of marriage.
Notice the EX part?
I ended up leaving him and going to the nearest abuse shelter for lots of councilling.
Hon, do something now to help yourself/marriage, before you don't know who you are anymore, or whether you even "deserve to live" anymore, because you are "worthless". That's where I ended up, and don't want to imagine you getting to that point.
Go for the councilling, whether it's couple's or individual.
It can only get better for you if you do.
Bethrose, I'm so glad you're taking steps to take of yourself by going to the doctor. I have a friend who has a 3 yr old that just got out of a very abusive relationship. One weekend her ex started griping about her cleaning. She had just cleaned the kitchen but he noticed that she has missed a spot of something on the counter. Of course she got mad, and he got REALLY mad. Her 3 yr old heard the commotion and came in. She grabbed the baby and then he grabbed her by the back of her hair and slammed her into the wall about 12 times. Keep in mind she had a hold of the baby who was between her and the wall. About a foot from where her head was hitting the wall was an old antique hay hook with the point pointing out. Thank the Lord above that neither her nor the baby were hurt. I tell you this story because it was comments like the ones you have mentioned that occurred and led up to the hay hook incident. Please be careful.