Bethroze Posted 4 Mar 2007 , 6:10am
post #1 of

After several loads of laundry, dishes and standing on my feet doing a sheet cake for the woman who my husband and I had decided to give our children to, if something were to happen to us, I decided to mow the back yard. Of course, thinking this was a good idea to get out of the house and maybe give a hint to DH who was taking lounging very seriously today, I saw no problem with this idea. Then I saw him standing in the yard looking at me like I was a kid who had just got home past curfew. When I answered his, "Why are you mowing the yard!?!" with "Because it needs it," I new I was going to have a bad day. I was told that this was HIS job, and that it wasn't like I didn't have MY work in the house to finish! Excuse me oh big strong master that had to get off his fanny to come tell me that. I wish he would do is job, but it only seems to happen when I step into the MAN ZONE and hurt his pride.

Walking back in to ready the cake to be picked up in 15 minutes. I pushed the lid down on the box to tape it. 10 minutes later I notice the grease leaching through the top of the box, I had squished to basketball that was perched on top of the 11x15 with rim, net and all... icon_cry.gif

DH ( and I don't mean Dear) walks into the kitchen and informs me that I have been a disappointment in keeping house for the nine years we have been married and I better be learning to improve quickly. We had just celebrated our anniversary the night before. I told him to leave me alone for the next five minutes, I had to fix a $45 cake before the customer gets to our house and proceeded to cry over new buttercream. The cake fixed up okay, but I felt like an idiot with dripping eyes and a big red nose answering the door.

So, because I can't sleep now, I have been trying to decide what to do next. This is defnitely not the first time he has done this to me and I am begninning to feel the belittling of my life as a stay at home mom is starting to take a toll metally and physically. I am a college educated woman who worked the corporate world and I have learned that this is the hardest job I have ever had. The man doesn't get it!!!

I am considering giving up cake decorating to reduce some of my stress, but that would mean giving up all of my spening money and an outlet for the artist that lives deep down inside me. Would this help, or am I considering it just to be a marter and hold it over his head that I constantly give things up for the family?

70 replies
JoAnnB Posted 4 Mar 2007 , 7:33am
post #2 of

Oh dear, that is a terrible day! Only a suggestion, but try not to make any decisions while you are still angry.

The easy (and expensive) answer is to suggest you find a counselor to talk about your frustrations. they can also help you decide what you really want or what is important to you.

If the money is important, you shouldn't have to give up cake decorating. Unfortunatly, with a muscle-head for a husband, it can be a lot of extra work.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Housemouse Posted 4 Mar 2007 , 2:16pm
post #3 of

I really sympathise with you. Sounds like he's really the source of your stress, not the cake decorating. Definitely think you should keep this going and keep your source of income and independence on this point. You recognise the its value as an outlet for your artistic side.

That little comment of his about how you'd better improve your housekeeping skills and how you've been a disappointment is the kind of mean, small-minded comment, a person who feels threatened would make; after all you're doing all your chores and could do his as well. I'd say he resents being reminded he should be doing the lawn and isn't enjoying his slobbing out 100% because your running around like a blue-bottomed fly, is taking the edge off of his enjoyment of relaxing! I only suggest this might be the case this because I get edgy when my husband is busy being industrious and getting on with the boring things and I know I should get off of my backside and do something myself. I'm really sorry he said that to you - sounds like you are thinking hard about things. Good Luck

sonie Posted 4 Mar 2007 , 2:25pm
post #4 of

Bethroze, I feel your pain honey. I was "homebound" for 12 & 1/2 years raising our two babies...which I would not change and don't regret. However, about 7 years ago..or so.. I went through a major depression with anxiety attacks ( at this time my mother was diagnosed with dementia..she was 59 yrs. old....she is now 70 and in a nursing home) anyway ....no matter how much house work I did..for some reason by 5:30 when my husband would come home from work it looked like I hadn't done a thing! and he would say "So, what did you do all day?" Gerrr.....

My children are 17 & 13 now and I've been working part time for one year. I work Wed - Fri 9:00 - 2:00 as church secretary and our church. It did me a WORLD of good. You need an outlet. Even though my children were in school, I was so lonely and bored! Nothing interested my (part of depression) AND I tell you, If I had not know a personal relationship with my heavenly Father and my savior Jesus Christ I would be in sad shape today!!!!

What I suggest is this.....don't let go of your cake decorating unless you feel God is asking you to (if He is asking you to and you obey...believe me He will bless you!) I feel your decorating is an outlet and brings you satisfaction. And as for your husband....You do your job and let him do his in his own time.....even though you want to....I have come to this conclusion by experience...everytime I would get on the mower (which I enjoyed) he would start feeling guilty and end up finishing the job....I love him dearly and he is a very hard worker and has provided well for our family ... he is very dedicated to us.....& now that our son is old enough to help, my daughter & I have decided to do the inside and they can do the outside. The inside is an everyday thing but the outside is a once a week chore. By the way....My husband says that as soon as our children are grown and gone we are hiring someone to do our yard work!! I say GREAT!!!! That's more time for the two of us to spend together!!!!

You can do all things through Christ who strengthens you!!!!!

cordy Posted 4 Mar 2007 , 2:39pm
post #5 of

The sh*% that comes out of men's mouthes sometimes! I am a stay at home mom too (although I do run a home child care) and whenever my hubby has suggested that I am lacking in the wifely-duties department I have found a good solid answer; I don't care. I don't care if everything is perfect or always clean etc. On my tombstone I want it to say" beloved mother, dear friend" etc etc, not "She had a clean house and her husband always had clean socks"

Pucka1378 Posted 4 Mar 2007 , 2:46pm
post #6 of

Sorry that your DH is being so mean.


Personally I would not do another darn thing around the house except what it takes to keep you and the kids fed and clothed in clean clothes! He will figure out really quickly just how much you do!

Or better yet go stay at a hotel for a weekend and leave him home with the kids and the house to deal with and he will find out how "easy" it really is icon_lol.gif

SuHwa Posted 4 Mar 2007 , 2:48pm
post #7 of

I'm sorry you had such a bad day. I hope this morning finds you better. I can sympathize with you some in that I am also a stay at home mom and have been at home for 15 years this July.

I second Sonie's answer in that you not make any decisions while mad. It seems as if your husband's pride was hurt by you stepping into his area so he (probably unconciously) decided to hurt your pride back. It's strange, but people do tend to do this to one another.

Perhaps he feels like your cake making is getting in the way of your taking care of your household duties. I know from my own exprerience that this can be true. One thing that has really helped me in this area is a web-site called www.flylady.net. It has been invaluable in helping me manage my time for house work and cake making. For me keeping a clean house is still a work in progress, but the more it stays that way, the more my family takes pride in it. The more my family takes pride in it, the more they want to keep their household responsibilites done.

God bless you today with a better day.

JamesSweetie Posted 4 Mar 2007 , 2:50pm
post #8 of
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bethroze

DH ( and I don't mean Dear) walks into the kitchen and informs me that I have been a disappointment in keeping house for the nine years we have been married and I better be learning to improve quickly.




This line worries me, what then if you "dont learn to improve quickly?" (when you are already ran off your feet taking care of his sorry a$$). This is misogynistic and could be emotional abuse, putting you in your place, telling you that you "better shape up" and that you're housekeeping skills are not good enough.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bethroze


This is defnitely not the first time he has done this to me and I am begninning to feel the belittling of my life as a stay at home mom is starting to take a toll metally and physically.




The partner that you spend your life with is supposed to be on YOUR side. He is not a authority figure above you, telling you how you must do things. If he is criticizing your housework, I have a feeling he is probably doing the same for other things as well. I agree with the person who said DO NOT give up cake decorating, its "Yours" and right now you need that thing that is only yours, and having that money is important (should things ever get worse and you need to go elsewhere, if even for a night). I think counselling would be a good idea, because what he is doing is, IS NOT OKAY. Comments like his can errode the self esteem, and you want to stop it before that happens to a point that you don't realize you don't deserve it. You are feeling so stressed that you are thinking of giving up something that you love doing.

Its time (and I know sometimes this is really hard) to start thinking about what YOU (yes, YOU!) really want. Maybe a cake decorating class you've always wanted, or a workshop or course. You have control over your life, no one else, you get to decide how you want it to be.

cakes47 Posted 4 Mar 2007 , 2:52pm
post #9 of

I'm soooo sorry your ''DH'' has to mean mouth you plus bring in past issues to cover up for his laziness!!! He's insecure, knows he is in the wrong but won't take responsibility of it. Like a child wants to blame someone else, hence the attack on your ability. He needs to seek help with a psychiatrist pronto. After that, counselling will help.
Don't let him get you down. You know what & how MUCH you do!!!
Good luck ~ I hope your days ahead will be happy ones.

Joyce

grama_j Posted 4 Mar 2007 , 3:05pm

Bethroze wrote:
DH ( and I don't mean Dear) walks into the kitchen and informs me that I have been a disappointment in keeping house for the nine years we have been married and I better be learning to improve quickly.


I'm afraid my answer to him would have been........ "Perhaps if I was not so busy doing YOUR chores, I could get mine done in a "timely" manner"
MEN !!! icon_mad.gif

I know this would have caused an argument, but perhaps that is what you need to clear the air.... sounds like you both have alot of pent up anger....... TIME TO TALK ...

mbasic Posted 4 Mar 2007 , 3:07pm

Huge hugs headed your way. Emotional abuse and threats are never ok. Only you can decide the best way to tackle this. Just know that hugs and kind thoughts are sent your way.

kms2402 Posted 4 Mar 2007 , 3:08pm

I have to agree with the others, counseling is your best option right now. Do not do anything rash while you are angry. I understand completely how you feel. I just spent an hour driving around town because my husband got home at 6:30am and doesn't understand why I was worried. We had words about it and I left. I have been told to see counseling for my marriage by several people but haven't found the courage. I work full time and I too have been chastised for my lack of housekeeping. I am hoping things will get better. One thing I know is that cake decorating is my refuge. I am not like you in that I make cakes as a side business. I make them for family and friends. I am not very good at it so I feel bad if I charge people. Hang in there and please seek the counseling that YOU need. If he won't go with you, please go by yourself!
Take care

kms2402 Posted 4 Mar 2007 , 3:14pm

By the way Bethroze....I took a look at your photos and your cakes are beautiful!!

Cinnamongirl Posted 4 Mar 2007 , 3:17pm

I wish I could hug you right now.

RisqueBusiness Posted 4 Mar 2007 , 3:25pm

I say go on strike!

STOP trying to do everything for everyone for 30 days and see what happens to the DH while the house falls apart around him.

I did that.

I have a ADHD child that I had to CONSTANTLY monitor so I had to put off my housework till he FINALLY fell asleep around 10 or 11 o'clock..(that was his schedule and there was nothing I could do about it...that and 20 min nap kept the little bugger going all day) so you can imagine how tired I was...but at that time I'd start to clean my house, do the laundry, kitchen and any baking that needed to be done.

I baked for the family every monday since I tried to keep the preservatives to a minimum. I'd fall into bed EVERY day around 3 or 4 am...to get up at 6 am to get my eldest ready to take to the bus stop.

Therefore waking up the little guy at 6:45 to get into the car to drive the 4 mile round trip to the bus stop...he wouldn't go back to sleep..

and I did this alone because the dad was working in the city and would come home every 15 days for one and 1/2 days and rode me all the time he was there.

So..I QUIT. as soon as he walked in the door, I'd had him his son and go to the nearest mall and have a soda at the food court and several hours of window shopping..good thing the nearest mall was 45 miles away..!

That got EVERYONE off their behinds! QUICK LIKE!

onceuponacake Posted 4 Mar 2007 , 3:27pm

Bethroze and Kms your cakes are beautiful!!!
That said:

Although my husband has never said im a bad housekeeper i know its not to his standard..so when he starts fussing..i let him go at it

if the lawn needs mowing..im not doing it...that's his responsiblity if we get an HOA fine well that's on him..

i give him a gentle reminder if it needs mowing but not more than that

when we had our first child he never understood why i was so tired and cranky.. he got laid off a few month slater and i told him, "you are in charge of the baby full time." ill do the cooking and cleaning..but you are going to get up every two hours for her feedings.

well, after four days he understood why i was so tired and thats that he only took care of the baby! hehehehehe

kms2402 Posted 4 Mar 2007 , 3:30pm

Amazing RisqueBusiness! Good for you!

kms2402 Posted 4 Mar 2007 , 3:34pm

Thanks Onceuponacake.....My DH gets it eventually, as for today...I'm sure he will wake up later and apologize and then insist that I go sign up for the Gumpaste/Fondant class at Michael's that I've been dying to take. He just loses his mind sometimes and forgets what all I do for him and his kids. I say "his" kids because they are...I'm the step mom. Thankfully only one lives with us right now and he is a handful!!

angelcakesmom Posted 4 Mar 2007 , 3:38pm

"What Did You Do All Day?"

A man came home from work and found his three
children outside, still in their pajamas
playing in the mud, with empty
food boxes and wrappers
strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was
the front door to the house
and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding
into the entry, he found
an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked
over, and the throw rug was
wadded against one wall.

In the front room the T.V. was loudly blarring a
cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys
and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink,
breakfast food was spilled on the
counter, the fridge door was opened wide,
dog food was spilled on the floor,
a broken glass lay under the table, and a
small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over
toys and more piles of clothes
looking for his wife. He was worried
she might be ill, or that
something serious had happened.

He was met by a small trickle of water as it
made its way out the bathroom door.

As he peered inside he found wet towels,
scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor.
Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste
had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife
still curled up in the bed. In her pajamas, reading a novel.
She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.
He looked at her bewildered and asked,
"What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when
you come home from work and ask me what I did all day,
well, today I didn't do it!"

SuHwa Posted 4 Mar 2007 , 3:46pm

Angelcake, as the mother of 5, this tale has always been one of my favorites! icon_lol.gif

kms2402 Posted 4 Mar 2007 , 3:48pm

Good one Angelcake!!!

PistachioCranberry Posted 4 Mar 2007 , 4:01pm

Sounds like another episode of Wife Swap coming up. I am glad I don't have to deal with things like that because I know I would be on Court TV right now.....I hope things get better for you.

canoewoman Posted 4 Mar 2007 , 4:01pm

I would quit doing everything around the house for a couple of days. The Dumbass husband would really get a sense of what you really do everyday. Geesh, men are totally clueless as they are happy living in their own filth!!!

BrandisBaked Posted 4 Mar 2007 , 4:24pm

There being two sides to every story - I won't take sides on this, nor insult someone in a public forum who can't defend themselves (he doesn't come to CC, does he?).

Personally, I think that you mowing the lawn when you had "your" own chores to do was a bit of a passive-aggressive move... instead of focusing on what you needed to do, you were more concerned about what your husband was doing.

By mowing the lawn, in essence you were sending him the message that HE was a disappointment in his duties. He became defensive and insulted back.

Childish on both parts - and I think you both need to kiss and make up. icon_biggrin.gif

(I speak from experience - my ex and I played that game for 12 years)

okieinalaska Posted 4 Mar 2007 , 5:21pm

Just wanted to send you a hug.

My husband bless his heart, learned the hard way himself. When we had our second child I was already back in the work force. His schedule was such that he had 3 days off and 24 hours on. We decided between us that I would keep working and to save money he would watch the 3 year old and the baby on his days off. (we didn't want to do daycare)

And you know what...he did for several years and he spent time with his kids that most dad's aren't able to do. (but it nearly ruined his health he was so tired all the time)

It's so funny now because he totally gets how hard it is to be a stay at home mom/dad. He would watch the kids and do dishes but didn't really clean, vacuume or pick up toys or anything else. But we were ok with that. Although when it was my turn when he worked and I was at home I managed to get it all done. Must be that extra gene that women have...the mommy gene.

Hugs to you,

JamesSweetie Posted 4 Mar 2007 , 6:22pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by BrandiBakes

There being two sides to every story - I won't take sides on this, nor insult someone in a public forum who can't defend themselves (he doesn't come to CC, does he?).

Personally, I think that you mowing the lawn when you had "your" own chores to do was a bit of a passive-aggressive move... instead of focusing on what you needed to do, you were more concerned about what your husband was doing.

By mowing the lawn, in essence you were sending him the message that HE was a disappointment in his duties. He became defensive and insulted back.

Childish on both parts - and I think you both need to kiss and make up. icon_biggrin.gif

(I speak from experience - my ex and I played that game for 12 years)





Saying, "and you better learn quickly" is a threat, whether empty or not, I have been emotionally abused so I recognize these signs, and I even showed this thread to my husband who agreed it wasn't okay. She also said this wasn't the first time, "kissing and making up" would be a band-aid solution for a deeper problem then her just mowing the lawn. (and how dare she mow the lawn when she wanted to get out of the house!!! icon_confused.gif ) Sorry, that post really bothered me and just feel its irresponsible putting blame on someone who could be in a situation that is damaging her mental health.

Bethroze Posted 4 Mar 2007 , 6:48pm

Thanks everyone, and believe me, I know that mowing the lawn was a passive aggresive way to show my husband he needed to get off his butt. Beleive me I regret doing it!!! But, our kids were playing in the yard with almost knee high grass in some places and we live in a somewhat nice neighborhood. I am embarrassed by the way the outside looks, and he is worried about the inside. Wouldn't it be nice to switch, but as he likes to repeat, "I work hard all day at the office!!! I shouldn't have to come home to household chores."

So, after he got an hour after me, he sat at the computer, went back to bed for a nap, came out and watched tv, went clothes shopping, and picked up the kids from his mothers, sat down again in front of the tv. I just had to get on that mower. I had asked once if he had plans for the day. His answer was, "Yes I do, or were you just wanting to be sarcastic and not have and answer?" It has really gotten to the point where anything I say is wrong and my "looks" or expressions are quite gestures of hostility. He tells me I freak out, or yell, when I don't even raise my voice because the kids are in the house.

He is the most passive aggressive person I have ever met, I believe it is rubbing off on me. I did tell him the reason he got so mad at me for doing "HIS" job, was that he felt guilty. So there goes the house cleaning argument again. It is the only one he has apparently. And when he starts asking when was the last time you did this, or that, it is almost funny to see his expression when I say yesterday or two days ago. He doesn't even notice when I do these things anyway.

I really thought I had something with FLYLADY, but I have only been able to coast around on the runway istead of taking off and flying. He even threw my weekly schedule up to me last night and told me if I could keep up with that like I was suppose to, I wouldn't have to kill myself on the weekends. I quickly ripped the schedule down and tore it up.

Oh, there is so much more.....

sweetsbycheryl Posted 4 Mar 2007 , 7:10pm

Oh, girl do I feel your pain!! I have a full time job, plus working overtime and my cake business for family keeps me pretty busy. plus the fact that DD is now on her school volleyball team and has practice or games six days a week. I have a better half who does nothing but run the roads to help his ex-wife, his parents, anyone else except keeping his butt around here to give me a hand- I have a medical condition that requires chemotherapy every eight weeks to keep in check and am constantly fighting fatigue. I wish you luck in your endevors, DO NOT GIVE UP WHAT YOU LOVE FOR SOMEONE ELSE'S SELFISHNESS!!! You have a right to have something in your life that is just for you and makes you happy!! Hugs to you!! icon_biggrin.gificon_biggrin.gificon_biggrin.gificon_biggrin.gif

BrandisBaked Posted 4 Mar 2007 , 7:17pm

It's possible that little things fester between two people who truly love each other. I know there are always points when you think you want to kill someone - and sometimes it takes a third party's intervention to make you see that you both share in the blame.

I wasn't trying to insult you - I was trying to point out that there are two sides, and maybe he feels unappreciated for what HE does (or even thinks he does. lol). You never know until you talk it out... either between the two of you, or with a counselor.

I really hope you get things worked out. icon_smile.gif

Sorry I butted in here, but it really upset me that everyone was bashing on someone whose side isn't even represented here. How would we all feel if everytime we got in an argument with our husband, he ran to the internet to bash us (and gained support from those telling him what a b*tch he was married to)?

Just something to think about....

cocakedecorator Posted 4 Mar 2007 , 7:58pm

Ok here is my input.
I learned several years ago with my husband that I can't be responsible for his actions or lack of.. I can only be responsible for me. If i spend time worrying about my husband getting things done, then my job falls by the way side, it is wasted energy. Several years ago after a lot of counseling (due to heavy drinking) I learned several important things, but these 3 stick with me all the time. I can not take other peoples inventory, I have to take ownership in my role in the situation/relationship and that expectations are pre-meditated resentments. I tried the whole going on strike thing and it really doesn't matter to him because in his mind it's not his responsibilty and he has other responsiblities. I say talk it out either with each other or with a counselor and maybe seeing a counselor on your own with help as well. HTH

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