Joined: Aug 08, 2007
Posts: 187
Location: North Carolina
Birthday: May 09
Posted:
Wed Sep 12, 2007 3:21 pm
Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with an unsupportive husband? I am new to cake decorating, and each on of my cakes gets better, but I still have a ways to go. I would like to start a business on the side once I'm more comfortable with my abilities, so I am constantly doing cake-related stuff in my spare time (I don't have much - I have two kids under the age of two...). When I get an order from a friend and have a deadline, I have to either hand the kids over to my husband when he gets home from work, or stay up until 2am (which never works, b/c my oldest is up at 7am). He doesn't work that hard at work (he deals with computers, and only works when he gets an e-mail or phone call), whilst I'm home running around all day taking care of the kids, the animals, the house, dinner, laundry... ...you know the drill. To get to the point, he's angry and says that he's tired from work, and doesn't want to have to watch after the kids when he gets home.
I really would like to start this business not only for the extra money coming in, but it's finally something that I enjoy doing and I feel as though I have the potential to be really good at it.
Has anyone ever dealt with this, and did you follow through with your dream anyway?
Thanks, guys.
Nikki_B Regular Member
Joined: Feb 12, 2007
Posts: 183
Posted:
Wed Sep 12, 2007 3:28 pm
Eesh, this could be a sticky situation.
I think the problem here may be communication... I'm not a therapist but I'll try my best. I know you think that what he does isn't that hard or tiring or that he's being lazy, but he's your husband and you should give him the benefit of the doubt that he's as tired as you are at the end of the day. My fiance works in computers and he just kicks back 100 percent when he gets home. He may not be on his feet or having to be 100 percent aware all the time like I am, but it is tiring and I know that because my fiance hates his job, it makes it a lot more mentally straining on him.
I would have a heart to heart with your husband and tell him why you like doing cakes, that you really want to continue, and that you think this will benefit your family. I'd also acknlowedge his feelings on not wanting to have to deal with the kids and work towards finding a solution with him.. don't invalidate his feelings but instead maybe try to put a different spin on things. What if him and the kiddos had a ritual every night that gave you a little bit of a break but wasn't too taxing on him and gave him some quality time with his kids? Maybe they could all read together or watch a movie every night, something that doesn't require a ton of activity from him but gives you the peace you need to do your cakes.
I hope I helped some!
evaruggiero Junior Member
Joined: Jan 11, 2007
Posts: 64
Location: Carrollton, TX
Birthday: Jan 30
Posted:
Wed Sep 12, 2007 3:41 pm
I have been having some of that at home too! I have a 9, 6years old and 15 month old baby (not much time for myself) but i too love making cakes.
Another suggestion would be to leave your kids with a family member or maybe a friend? I do this some times. Or maybe getting them to bed earlier?
I know it's not easy but maybe you can find some other way that won't involve your husband. Yes I know it's not fair for you, but you do have a lot of talent I'm sure you will figure it out.
Good luck!
indydebi Forum SuperStar!
Joined: Jul 07, 2006
Posts: 15102
Location: Indianapolis IN
Posted:
Wed Sep 12, 2007 3:41 pm
Bear in mind that I'm one of those old, married ladies who is LONG past the stage of feeling like I have to kiss some husband's rear end so that's he's "happy", at a cost of total sacrifice to me having a full and "happy" life also.
That said.......
I agree that he's JUST as tired as YOU are at the end of the day ... which gives him zero excuses and reasons on why HE gets to sit in front of the TV and do nothing and YOU have to continue with dinner, dishes, kids' baths, etc.
There was a point that I would come home from work, just like him, and sit around doing nothing, just like him. And when he asked "are you going to make dinner?", I would tell him, "No...today I'm being a MAN and doing the MAN thing after my long day .... I'm doing NOTHING, too, and just expecting dinner and dishes and laundry to magically appear around here. Hey..... how do YOU get that to happen?"
They are his kids.... how come when you are with them, it's because it's your job, but if HE is with them, then he's "babysitting"?
When he points out that he works all day, you just respond, "So do I." When he points out that he's tired at the end of the day, you respond "So am I." When he points out that he wants some quiet time when he gets home, you reply "So do I". When he whines that he wants time for fun-stuff, you reply "so do I".
I am not here to be his maid, servant, MOTHER, or any other position of subservience ..... it is not my job to make him "happy". WE are a partnership. WE are a couple. WE are a team. WE work together. And that doesn't mean I do the work at home for 20 hours and he does the work outside the home for 8 hours and call it even.
When I was taking this biz to a new level, it got to the point that I told hubby "This train is leaving the station with or without you .... you just need to decide if you're getting on board or waving bye-bye from the station!" (He got on board.)
OzCookie Frequent Member
Joined: Jul 08, 2007
Posts: 363
Posted:
Wed Sep 12, 2007 3:50 pm
Well said, Debi!!!
Couldn't have put it better myself!
I too am well past the small-children-at-home phase, but I have always worked outside the home, "been there" for the children (extra-curricular activities, homework and the like) and still expected to cook, clean, shop and be a bedroom goddess at the end of the day!
Indydebi's tactics are EXACTLY how I got my point across in the end! It took a while, but he got the point!
Danielle111 Regular Member
Joined: Aug 08, 2007
Posts: 187
Location: North Carolina
Birthday: May 09
Posted:
Wed Sep 12, 2007 3:54 pm
Thank you, you really gave me some hope in all of this. It's comforting to hear a different/outside perspective. I'll most likely sit down with him tonight to discuss this, b/c it's gotten to that point. I don't think he's being lazy, persay, but he doesn't seem willing to help out at all from 5:00 on, and my day doesn't end until at least midnight (after bathing and putting the kids to bed, cleaning the kitchen and putting dinner away, feeding the animals, etc.). I'll talk to him about everything you suggested as well as how time-consuming beginning a business is. I'm not sure he really understands that aspect of it.
Thank you again for your help.
keriskreations Frequent Member
Joined: Jun 22, 2006
Posts: 266
Location: Fort Collins, Colorado
Birthday: Feb 10
Posted:
Wed Sep 12, 2007 4:02 pm
Danielle, I'm sorry that you are dealing with this! I have a very supportive husband, and I'm forever greatful for that. With that being said, we don't have kids, just the four legged kind, and we both work full time. However, he works shift work, so he's got 15 days a month he doesn't work. I don't get 5 days off in a row unless I take vacation. ha! Anyway - we've had our struggles with house work, etc, and I've gotten to the point that I will do what I want, but he knows he needs to pitch in. It's not my sole responsibility to do the housework, look after the animals and such - like Debi said, this is WE, not ME!
I think you just need to have a heart to heart - you work just as hard at home as he does at work all day, and your day, unfortunately doesn't end at 5pm. You can't leave your "work" behind and close up your desk. I've never understood the man thing, where they act as those they are babysitting their own kids - THEY ARE YOUR KIDS!! Sorry, that just really ticks me off. Hopefully you can come to some understanding and common ground, because your dreams are important too. Tell him if you're succesful enough, he could stay home and be the mom. LOL It's important to have things that make you happy and that you are interested in!
Danielle111 Regular Member
Joined: Aug 08, 2007
Posts: 187
Location: North Carolina
Birthday: May 09
Posted:
Wed Sep 12, 2007 4:08 pm
Wow! I posted that last reply before I saw any additional comments! Thank you guys for helping out, and letting me know that I'm not completely wrong in all of this. I'll still have the talk tonight, but I think that's it's going to need a lot of convincing. I'll let you guys know tomorrow how it goes, but for right now, I have to go finish dinner! ho hum... It never ends....
dbax Junior Member
Joined: Aug 11, 2007
Posts: 84
Posted:
Wed Sep 12, 2007 4:38 pm
Good Luck!!! Somtimes I know it's hard to get men to understand what we are feeling, no disrespect to men, we are just different creatures who hear, feel and recieve things differently.
It took me a while to express my feelings (which are that of indydebi's) to my husband and also for him to understand and validate them. I was a stay at home mom and since I did not leave the house to work, I did not get a pay-check, and I didn't 'go' home when I was done... it seemed my life was my job. My kids are grown, one still at home but working full time and I am just now thinking about this as a business.. . . I wish you the best of luck with all of it, your husbands uunderstanding and the business success. . . . Who knows, if you are a complete success, your husband my be able to quit work and he can stay home with the kids lol
lsawyer Forum Fanatic
Joined: Mar 01, 2006
Posts: 1161
Location: San Diego, CA
Posted:
Wed Sep 12, 2007 6:29 pm
Hit him where it hurts-----in the wallet. Hire a maid/cook, etc. THEN, leave town for a week (alone!) for whatever emergency. He can do the kid thing. I don't think a lot of men realize just how demanding it is.
If he didn't want the responsibility of kids, then why did he have sex with you?? According to the experts, sex is still the number one cause of pregnancies.
P.S. Lighten your load by making him do his own laundry.
goal4me Frequent Member
Joined: Apr 20, 2006
Posts: 442
Posted:
Wed Sep 12, 2007 6:46 pm
I think you do have the potential of a business...your cakes are lovely.
My suggestion would be....
1. Bake while the kids are napping in the day.
2. Share babysitting with a friend.
3. Work together with your husband about how many cakes
you can realistically take on a week or a month and the
best times to finish up cake projects if they run into the evening.
I realize being a stay at home mom is alot of work, but you are fortunate that your husband is able to have you be with the kids rather than child care and you taking on an outside full time job and then still having both of you figuring the home duties and responsibilities.
I say...be thankful....be supportive of your mate... and work out something that is best for your family.
Narie Forum Addict
Joined: May 29, 2006
Posts: 965
Location: Northern Indiana
Posted:
Wed Sep 12, 2007 6:50 pm
"To get to the point, he's angry and says that he's tired from work, and doesn't want to have to watch after the kids when he gets home." Nobody should be asking him what he wants. If they are his kids, they are his responsibility too. I know fifty -fifty never happens but child minding when he is home should be his job half the time. Not just to give you a break but also to establish a real relationship with his own children. How is he ever going to really know and love his children if he isn't willing to give them his time and attention-even when he is tired?
freddyfl Forum Addict
Joined: Jan 21, 2006
Posts: 738
Location: Bremerton, Washington
Birthday: Jun 30
Posted:
Wed Sep 12, 2007 6:54 pm
I too have small children at home ranging from 2 to 8 yrs old. My husband is pretty supportive, but he also reminds me from time to time that I am choosing to do this hobby and that I don't have to do it. I would be annoyed and was when he would come home and start working on his hobby of model building every day. Being at home isn't always easy and is a lot of work, but we aren't under the stress of working under someone else. A lot of times men need a time to relax when they get home. Even if it is only like 30 minutes. Give him a chance to do that, then have him watch the kids. Also is it possible to have the kids in bed earlier to give you both some breathing time? Our kids have a 7:00 bedtime during the school year. That gives me some me time, whcih is when I bake and I am often up until 2 am or later when working on things, because that is my time to do it. I deal with the lack of sleep. It sucks, but the kids won't be young for long....it just feels that way some days. Oh another thing I just remembered is when my husband went through a jerk phase I told him that if he needed to be away from the kids for awhile after work, that he could just not come home until he was ready to be a parent. If he was home he needed to parent, that made sense to him, so some days he would just sit and chill in the car for a few minutes before he actually came in. Then there were the days when I did't want to be a parent for a minute and would go and sit in the car for awhile after he came home.... I am rambling, so hope it all works out for you. =)
LiliS Regular Member
Joined: Jul 22, 2007
Posts: 187
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Birthday: Nov 21
Posted:
Wed Sep 12, 2007 6:55 pm
He sounds a bit like my hubby. it's always about them and how tired they are and they need an hour to decompress. This after I have spent the day running around my very temperamental 22 month old girl and looking after my 5 month old son who is racked with reflux. On top of that I need to get through at least 2-3 loads a day (clothes, feeding nappies and now towles to stem the flow of vomit coming up every 4-5 hours thanks to my little prince!!)...
so when I need time out I need to time manage better and organise myself more seriously????
So last week I was blessed enough to get a severe upper respiratory infection (who has time to look after one's self when you have 3 babies, two under 2 and one over 30) that completely knocked me off my feet for 4 days. I couldnt even breathe without being in excruciating pain.
So Dh had to just get over it, take time off work and look after our babies... now I am told I can do as many decorating classes as I want to.. funny about that
being a full time mum is THE hardest job in the world... it never ends and you never get a thank you for your efforts. But you need to communicate and make him understand that it's not just your responisbility. he donated the X or Y to create a life WITH you... you didnt do it alone.
mkolmar Forum SuperStar!
Joined: May 19, 2006
Posts: 4717
Location: at the computer
Birthday: Jun 02
Posted:
Wed Sep 12, 2007 7:11 pm
Your husbands name wouldn't happen to be Jon would it??? Just wondering if we are married to the same person.
I'm dealing with the same thing--my DH is even a computer tech, but he runs his own small business and works very hard. He is a wonderful husband when he wants to be but such an all the other times (which is about 90% ) I do love him lots though.
Take care of this now and follow Indy's advice. I was too sweet for too long and now it seems like my hopes and dreams don't matter. Then he yells "what's changed, you use to put up with this"
When he said I couldn't go back to school because I needed to stay home to clean more I signed up that week. When he said don't do culinary like you want to do nursing they make more money. I was accepted into the culinary program. When he said I refuse to pay for your schooling anymore, I was awarded a scholarship to continue for another year. He has banned me from making cakes and I laughed as I turned on the stove. I am a christian girl and care what my husband thinks but I am not someone to be told what to do. He is supportive of me to other people though and brags often to them. In fact he's the reason I have some dessert catering clients who use me and got me my 1st wedding cake order (that's another story he volunteered me to make it for his friend for free as a gift) and my second one.
He may be grouchy to you but supportive otherwise. I just would be honest and lay the cards out on the table with how you feel. (I have 4 small ones too)
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all the other times (which is about 90% 
) I do love him lots though.
